Sociopath Community

blanc you're such a twat

the show rectify, on netflix. 

been watching it and so far, the first few episodes are doing a great job of depicting ptsd. no one even says in the script that the main character (daniel) has ptsd but it's very obvious to me 

he's so #relatable 

Could you split your personality again and perhaps acquire an intelligent alter. 

You wake up in the morning "thinking omfg my vision is slightly blurry cuz I just woke up. I'm dissociating!!"

This whole thread is a huge subjective trash pile.a testament that despite saying so much. Nobody will give a fuck about what you say. 

Don't you have a suicidal alter anywhere? This "flood the forum with retarded 10yr old girl bullshit" is good reasoning to actually just off yourself. 

Your time on this earth is an actual waste. Spending hours posting on threads like you are writing the type of book the author will pay you to read.You are a legit waste of space and air. Nobody appreciates the whining egotistical leech that you are. Quit pretending you'll wake up better, more stable, and happy the next day. Because yesterday, today, and tomorrow you'll only ever be a cunt nobody loves or needs. 

Kill yourself (bitch)

Cain said: 

Could you split your personality again and perhaps acquire an intelligent alter. 

You wake up in the morning "thinking omfg my vision is slightly blurry cuz I just woke up. I'm dissociating!!"

 

This whole thread is a huge subjective trash pile.a testament that despite saying so much. Nobody will give a fuck about what you say. 

Don't you have a suicidal alter anywhere? This "flood the forum with retarded 10yr old girl bullshit" is good reasoning to actually just off yourself. 

Your time on this earth is an actual waste. Spending hours posting on threads like you are writing the type of book the author will pay you to read.You are a legit waste of space and air. Nobody appreciates the whining egotistical leech that you are. Quit pretending you'll wake up better, more stable, and happy the next day. Because yesterday, today, and tomorrow you'll only ever be a cunt nobody loves or needs. 

Kill yourself (bitch)

 STAY AWAY FROM MY PRINCESS SHE'S A DELICATE FLOWER SHUT UP SHUT UPPP

https://sociopathcommunity.com/Forum/Topic/10246/2/it-would-be-nice-to-have-emotions-#post58475 

So this morning i wrote a journal entry about the dissociation i was experiencing around, god, must of been 4am? I woke up at 1:20am or so- so, not my normal nights sleep. And i was feeling dizzy. I waited for it to go away, but it persisted so, before i got ready for work i made this post. 

THREAD title: Um... 

POST: 

“I feel dizzy and not quite like myself 

like literally not myself. I mean that in the phrase of speech it’s used but also, 

not in that phrase of speech and literally- 

not myself. 

I feel a bit drunk which is like how dissociation can be sometimes so i can’t think very straight and um... its hard to get out my thoughts this hasn’t happened in a while but um... 

I’m trying its hard to talk... and make any sense. Or hold onto your thoughts and form them in a way that makes sense 

its like you can’t think straight um fuck 

and it just feels really weird 

and I also feel afraid for no reason and keep forgetting where i am lol 

which this happened a long time ago back when before i took my meds i struggled with this type of anxiety 

where its like.. agh u feel like something bad is happening when nothing is lol 

And u dont even know what 

um blehhhh i just dont wanna feel like this it feels like intoxication but in the worst way 

and i just want to literally, make it stop... klonopin would probably work um, but unfortunately someone searched my house for pills and stole them. I don’t know who, but i had a stash i was keeping for emergencies only 

and this is one of those times where breathing techniques doesn’t work and i want to um... make it stop but can’t. And that’s when meds have to be used tofeel normal but instead now.I HAVE TO GO TO WORK LIKE THIS 

like everything is just super slow and like blurring together like wOOOOOAAHHHHHH lol 

like a Van Gogh painting or something but thats reality right now and I’m so fucked up feeling from it 

things are like not feeling real and I’m not feeling attached and if I’m not careful this can spiral into a lot of anxiety really fast 

cuz that feeling scares me when i mslipping from reality and that’s puts me very close to danger um 

hey... worst case i can just call someone i forget... i always forget... when I’m like this that i can just ask for help 

fingers crossed this goes away..... and i stop feeling drunk and weird and i can uh... get grounded back in myself and reality again and calm down my anxiety 

i just wanna feel normal 

whoever stole my stash fuck you that was for real medical reasons ok not to get high....

but yeah um.. um... auhuhuhuhuuh yeah i forgot what i was saying um 

fuck 

i can’t think right now yeah i guess i dunno 

hopefully this goes away hah... fuck” 

- 

TLDR: 4am, today. Dissociation symptoms: not feeling like myself. As if myself in the past and now, is not me. 

Dizzy ness, slight intoxication feeling, without any inebriation. Thought disruption, cohesion of thoughts disrupted. Disrupted memory, flightyness of memory. Paranoia/anxiety about surroundings and irrational fear of potential harm that is nonexistent. The feeling that something bad *is* happening, you just don’t know exactly what yet, but it *is* happening. Forgetting where you are, the time, and the date- even the year. Detachment from reality and ones life. 

- 

i think its important to log these symptoms down just so i can remember that it happened. I’m so used to this sort of stuff happening on occasion, when its minor like this, I usually just forget about it ever happening just like, sneezing or, brushing up  against something without your knowledge at some random point in the day. 

I dont know if thats part of the dissociation that you forget you even dissociated pretty easily, or naturally like, dislocate that memory from you, stream of consciousness as a habit of, pretending nothing ever happened. (something i used to do quite often.) 

but uh... yeah... tat’s why is tarted journaling on here in the first place was so i could keep better track of myself, what the fuck was going on because i was forgetting so much shit at the time... i dunno... i was hoping keeping a log of things would help me when i went to psychiatric treatment or was reflecting my thoughts, assessing and understanding myself... i could see... everything i couldn’t hold onto with my memory very well at the time.

but yeah um.... it’s improved since then and now i just write down whatever I think is important to have in my notes. 

https://sociopathcommunity.com/Forum/Topic/10317/1/when-life-kicks-the-shit-out-of-you-play-dead- 

^wanted to link this post here because I talk about my psychiatry appointment with nurse practitioner, and during this entire visit I was heavily dissociated. I have to remind myself, to tell her next time I see her that, the way I was acting isn't my norm. 

It's like I was "out to lunch" and I kept whispering things... it was very weird but, I couldn't control it. 

Like I'd starting saying a sentence and then pause, and then look around.... and then whisper the last bit of it. 

Because I was dissociating I couldn't think straight and I was very lost in my head, kind of, dizzy feeling. Hard to explain. 

I've linked videos in this thread before of an example of someone who was "dissociated feeling" whilst trying to talk to the camera, and you can sort of see what I mean. How they just seem, off, or fuzzy, and out of it. I was getting triggered by the questions we were going over and it was too much emotionally for me so I just, started like... my eyes were just wandering around the room *a lot* and I forgot *what fucking month it was* (not like me) and had to ask her to like repeat questions... my thinking felt slow... 

And then what I was going through mentally, ontop of the dissociation was scary because, I get "bad" from triggers and so similar thoughts and feelings that go through my head or take over rather, my mental processes and can cause panic attacks, that was sort of happening but on a low volume in the back of my mind and, these thoguhts/feelings are very scary and dangerous and, can lead to suicide when at a severe enough level. So I had all that going on. Thanks to being triggered. That like, comes with it sometimes. 

And so I'm just like completely out of it.... and acting very strange. If you don't know me normally though, I guess she had nothing to compare to and couldn't tell I was dissociated. I'm normally much different in conversation than that. 

The experienced psychiatrist that saw me though- a different one that my regular, and than this nurse practitioner I'm talking about- he met with me and like, triggered the fuck out of me on purpose and then, watched me dissociate. And he diagnosed me on the spot, dissociate and said I probably had DID because apparently I was talking in different accents. Which I had no knowledge of. I do remember though spacing out and then he had to snap his fingers in front of my face and say my name over and over again to bring me back with it. 

It could be just plain ol' dissociation, or, it could be DID/OSDD. I've sort of tried looking into it further but, not that avidly. 

I have had experiences before where I have dissociated and started talking in weird accents, and I have noticed there are times where I am "different" to the point that I don't know what my "real self" is or my normal self. I just feel that I have a few different versions. But, I'm able to function for the most part this way in normal life, as long as I avoid triggers so. 

I just haven't like, gotten too, worked up about it but. It's just, difficult to really know what it is. Or put a label on it. So I just, haven't. Though I am, aware. 

https://sociopathcommunity.com/Forum/Topic/10328/1/one-door-closes-another-opens- 

and linking this thread to continue to show, how, many recent events have showed me how my dissociation is apparent to others, and how badly it, and my ptsd has affected my life. Not only my health and mental health, and well being- but, my entire life. My relationships, and my work. In so, so many ways. 

I just sort of got used to it but, I understand now, you know. It's not, normal. It's just become my normal. But, um. I think accepting okay, yeah I have this whole thing going on with my mental health and I need to continue working on it, is good. And realizing my limits with what I can and can't handle, my stressors, my triggers, etc. Is also, good. To be doing. 

Next appointment with nurse practitioner is in three weeks, and I will have to tell her about how um, the Klonopin script has already saved me once. 

Still not sure if I want to do the other recommended medications, I think I will just take it easy for now and consider all of that later. 

Probably should get back in with my therapist too. And, uh, keep working on stuff I guess. Like, C-PTSD books and, EMDR, DBT, what not. 

A huge thing is just, taking care of myself too. I have to eat, and sleep. Like, or else I get really depressed. Like, I'm already prone to depressive bouts as it is, but if I don't do those things- I'm definitely fucked in the depression department no doubt. I've learned that. Also like, showering, exercising, and keeping my house clean, like clean laundry, washing my face or doing skin care. And making sure I have a bit of time to collect myself every morning, and a bit of time to collect myself every evening, with tea and candles or, sauana/like eucalyptus essential oil diffuser going, is essential. Massages and hot tubs too, really help destress. And I also keep a monthly nail/hair appointment (they do it in the same building at once) just as a form of like my own self care. Because I'm too tired to do this shit to myself. And then obviously eating well, not just eating but like, good nutrition/ supplements. Eating on the regiment my dietitian/nutritionist prescribed me. 

These are habits I've gotten used to implementing now, but at first this was all like, difficult. Just, having my shit together, being organized. You know. And, having my own space- (my apartment) is huge. And obviously a car. 

Sometimes like, you just need "other people" to be out of your space, when you are healing from shit like. Idk, sometimes I just need to be left the fuck alone lol. And that is a crucial element too, for me personally. Maybe for others it's the exact opposite, and they need integration, connection, social life. But for me like, my alone time. Is crucial, to keep my stress low, and it's, almost cathartic like, I enjoy it, thoroughly. Lol 

And obviously having therapeutic outlets helps a lot too, like obviously I enjoy journaling. Talking in general helps me so much... which is annoying because I have to do so much of it but. Lol, everyone works differently and, that just like literally clicks for me. Journaling and talking. 

-- - -

yas v true all of dis

i made a fun playlist pertaining to my psychological issues and mental health 

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsPrat5vzR5MPTESdpgrX9ZfmxGwmuCEA