What dissociation feel like - 5 - Sociopath Community

RE: What dissociation feel like

Blanc · 2020-02-03T16:17:24.7130000

https://twitter.com/pixlpa/status/1184369668443607040?s=20 https://twitter.com/connrbell/status/1091764977659203589?s=20 https://twitter.com/archillect/status/1139351894831304706?s=20 ^images that represent some of the physiological sensations that can ...

whoops. accidentally showed sensitive information in that video so I had to get rid of it.

but basically I am in the process of researching stuff about neurology and dissociation, to get to the bottom of the dissociative bouts I have/panic attacks as a result of #trauma

lol

basically I have a confusing array of symptoms that I haven't seen the rpeople reporting with their dissociative episodes, and I'm finding overlap in a diagnosis known as Macropsia, and with the symptoms I've been calling "dissociation" for a long time.

very heavy correlates with something I've experienced, if it's not that specific diagnosis, it could at least point to, something neurological, possibly even neurology measurable rather than just purely psychological but..

it's uncertain. honestly, some people that experience Macropsia have no evidence neurological damage or history of trauma, virulent exposure, or other thought to be causes of the issue.

I've been trying to understand my dissociation and panic attacks and triggers better, so that I can work through them, and prevent them or deal with them in a way that makes them less severe.

neuropsychology is a large part of that. I'm also researching DID and OSDD/DDNOS just out of sheer curiosity, though, dissociation can comes from mains diagnoses- or can stand alone, and has an umbrella of types underneath it, all with unique causes- sometimes unknown.

but there is most defiantly a correlation between DID and neurology, supposedly, people have claimed 100% of the time. There is a structural change, that is known as the lateralization of brain function. this type of structural issue or change, is associated with many of the symptoms I experience, as well as, diagnoses such as DID and OSDD. But notedly, also anxiety, Macropsia, alien hand syndrome, and the ability to be ambidextrous, as well as much more.

this is how I am all the time, from everything.

I rarely am able to "sit" in the feelings, the actual feelings, and feel- whatever it is about a trauma, or about, something that is happening in my regular life. It still can happen, but it's brief and few and far between.

A therapist can force me into this position. Some have tried to do so, and I am not able to. It's almost like being lured into a trap, you just fall there accidentally. But, if a therapist is like, "I can tell you're not feeling any of this, you should sit on that and really let it sink in." That doesn't work. I can't just turn it on and off willingly, or consciously have control over it.

It is accidental, basically.

An experienced psychiatrist or therapist though, can get me in this position, like- EMDR did work *once* out of the many times I tried it- where I did, start to, feel emotions about a trauma bubble up and stuff. That I didn't, even know was there.

But yeah, for the most part, like- as I'm going through out my daily life, I don't feel anything related to my trauma's though I am aware they were there- most the time.

Sometimes, I will forget they were there at all.

Before the age of 22, I completely forgot, any trauma happened at all. It was completely, unsurfaced. If someone asked me if I had abuse at home or, if I had been through anything traumatic- or if I had blacked out trauma, my answer would of been no. Because that's how, dissociated from it I was, and I operated that way for a long time as a child forward.

It wasn't until age 22 that I started having horrible flashbacks, accompanied with a lot of emotion, confusion, panic, dissociation, anxiety. It was very uncomfortable, very confusing. Realizing, "my dad did that to me???"

My therapist believes what allowed this to start trickling to the surface was, at this age, it was the first time my life I was in a place where I felt safe. And so in that comfort, zone. My brain was like, okay, now we can process all that stuff we were suppressing! Woo hoo!

But yeah it, sucked. Felt like someone taking a sword and just stabbing it right through my heart. It was not, painless or easy, as I started piecing things together.

But yeah, as a coping mechanism- which is probably autonomic at this point, developed from childhood- I naturally- though I know of traumas- I don't, feel them, or even think about them as I'm going about my daily life and like I said, sometimes I forget they happened at all.

It's like a compartmentalization. The drawer is messy, you want the room to appear clean so, you just push it in. And then no one sees, the messy drawer. Including yourself. And though you know it's there, it doesn't affect the landscape anymore. The landscape of your mind.

I thought that this was normal, or how everyone was. About things. Like, emotionally distanced from them and, able to witness things you experienced from a third party perspective so it doesn't affect you as much. But now I realize, it makes a lot more sense why, people are so intensely affected by things as they immediately happen- where as for me, I'm able to "stay calm" or appear unaffected as things are happening, and I save it for processing for later. Naturally. Not, consciously or on purpose.

So any situation that is remotely emotionally stressful, I don't feel them as they are happening- I feel them later.

This is why I operate in high stress situations very well, including very serious emergencies.

However, some high stress situations that are an emotional trigger from specific traumas, I have- will cause me to dissociate. So, I can operate in a clinical manner in say, a medical emergency, or, break up, an argument. An angry customer. Because these don't relate to trauma for me. Specific, anxiety triggers that are personal and custom to my, PTSD.

But, for things that are high stress emotionally for me, and are a PTSD anxiety trigger (which I've identified now and know, what they are), I do not "operate well" or clinically- I fully dissociate on another level where, I'm not just not feeling the situation and then reacting later- I'm, processing that stressor as a slightly altered version of myself who is capable of handling it- *or* possibly experiencing a lot of dissociative symptoms, anxiety symptoms, and panic attacks. I don't know, which one it will be, reaction wise. And then, after a dissociative moment where I am the oddly, altered version of myself handling it- I will come unraveled, and experienced the emotional unraveling from the event later- anxiety, dissociation, possibly crying if it was something intensely emotional or whatever.

And then, it's all so exhausting, I fall asleep after that point. Always.

And that's sort of my reset button, and then I'm back to how I am normally- which is, just normal but, how I stated I am "all the time" in the beginning of this post- sort of, far away, from my memories emotionally. Far away from what happened just two hours ago. And everything slowly gets tucked back in the drawer, and pushed back in, and things carry on.

This tucking things in the drawer method, of compartmentalization, is how I reacted to trauma as a child, and as a result, is not an autonomic method of coping with, trauma, triggers, and emotionally stressful situations, anxiety, etc.

I am well aware I did this as a child, and recognize *now* that it is odd, how I reacted, though then, it's just what my brain did to "deal." It was not, dealing, it was compartmenzliation. So, something really fucking bad would happen. And then I'd go back into a safe space, like in my bed alone or, off in the woods somewhere, and just sit there and play on my phone on Tumblr and purposefully not think about it another second, whatever just happened before. Put it out of my mind completely as if it didn't happen. And went to school, the next day, *believing* nothing happened. And that believing was so, thorough, that, I genuinely was able to suppress, and forget anything happened at all, over the years.

And then I also did have "blacked out" trauma's (which I still don't have access to) from when I was a *very* young child, like elementary school. That are completely fucking, blacked out like, a black screen is there. Over it. And yeah... um... so I think my brain had learned the ability to do that from, those points, like I was predisposed to blacking stuff out already, developmentally. So it makes sense, by the time I was 18/19 I, had sort of erased or blacked out much of the trauma I didn't notice again until I was 22. That I compartmentalized so well it just, sunk to the bottom and became completely forgotten. *completely* erased, from my memory and identity. It was something that had to be uncovered and pieced together much later. When I felt safe, like I said earlier. *shrugs*

But yeah I guess this would explain why I can be so emotionally distant sometimes. I'm kind of this way with everything like, an observer or, third party to witnessing my own life. Almost chronically. And then sometimes that dissociation can get more intense, and it can become scary where it' like I"m experiencing things that I mentioned are symptoms of Macropsia.... where reality might not feel real. Or where you feel completely disconnected from it. And you might be getting physiological sensations with that of dissociation as well, or maybe not.

And, interestingly, all of this comes back to the neurological phenomenon known as lateralization of brain function which I've been looking at for a while now... trying to understand all of this.