Sociopath Community

Turncoat said: 

Factitious Disorder. 

 I've heard of this disorder before, i'm not making up my dissociation. this thread is an attempt to understand it and document it for myself, for treatment purposes. 

natasha87 said: 

dissociation doesn't cause nausea. it's probably something else

 actually you can get nausea from anxiety, anxiety and dissociation can be coupled. what a lovely time it is indeed... 

I haven't been doing much entries to this lately because I'm getting this fear of making it worse by thinking about it. like, I would rather "forget" that I have it as often as I can. Because once it's on my mind, I dunno, that opens up the door... you know. For, any number of things to happen mentally. It's a stair stepping effect that happens and sometimes, once you have one bad episode of it you can come out of it, other times, you're like tripping and falling over yourself (mental health wise) and stumbling downward and downward and just spiraling. 

like, what happened to me the other week when I came here and journaled about it, i think in another topic I had made. about having a week of pure dissociation and anxiety. (fun). 

https://www.sociopathcommunity.com/Forum/Topic/10719/1/bettering-my-mental-health-update- 

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I've since been doing damage control since that last update ^ and trying to get myself into a comfortable and safe place mentally so I'm not losing my fucking mind anymore, with all that shit that was driving me to my wits end. 

But, yeah it's like a see saw, I can just easily tip right back over to the edge and be, completely insane if I let myself... so I have to keep you know, I have to deliberately press down the side of the see saw I want to be down, so that I don't tip over to the other side. 

aka, the good-er side, vs. the bad mental health side. it's lke a slide... or something. like I just slip, so easily and then it's like wooosh down we goo down the rabbit hole lol 

so yeah i'm just, trying to self manage myself as best as I can with various things. 

https://sociopathcommunity.com/Forum/Topic/10786/1/fml-i-m-still-depressed-dude 

and I suppose that is my latest update there ^ lol 

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so continue from that consecutively, I just want to say. I broke up with my gf, not sure if I mentioned that already. I uh, I was hanging with my friends last night who are, the people who own the rehab. And for some odd reason I got anxiety when I was there and had to take a benzo. And I guess I smoked a little. 

But yeah um, I've just been helping my mom with the renovations, helping the rehab people, and helping my friend who's living with me score drugs. Nothing interesting at all. Oh and I bought a bunch of shit online, because I'm insane. 

addiction

I clearly have, addiction issues. And that's what I wanted to talk about too like, I mean. This isn't to do much with dissociation as much as it anxiety and depression stuff I think? PTSD does play a role in addiction too but. 

Yeah there is some shit I am discovering that is at the core of my "idiosyncrasies" and obsessive compulsions (all addicts have them). We are chronically habitual people. And even, once we give up one substance, we either move to another subtance or concauction of substances to fill the same void we started with- or cope with it rather, whatever it is we're trying to cope with. Or we fill it with behaviors. It still spills over into our life and relationships in the same way. It still leaves us empty in the same way. It still, gives you a similar high whatever the behaviors are- like gambling, excessive eating, shopping, sex, even- success. 

The key is learning how to be fucking normal. And that's the thing is, I don't know- how. I was thinking about it the other morning you know like, how are people so, normal. How do they do that. You know??? I dunno. 

But I realize, you know. The reason, I struggle to be normal in that way is because, I guess I'm mentally sick. Meaning my internal thoughts, processes, the way I operate and feel inside, the things I think and feel, aren't really- normal. They're not functional, or healthy, or allow me to operate well. Instead I just have a habit of managing this with- addictions, escapism, dissociation, etc. Unhealthy coping mechanisms. Unhealthy attachment behaviors. Unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy, this, that, and the other. And just over all, odd or strange responses to my reality that- to other people don't make sense but, if you knew what was wrong with me, it makes perfect sense. And odd or strange *internal* responses as well, to my reality- that are not, fun. They're, suffering. 

And what do I do to deal with suffering? Get high. 

When I'm depressed, get high. When I'm anxious, get high. And it's a never ending cycle. Fed by hopeless, despair, feelings of low self esteem or self worth, feeling incapable or inept, or broken, and other symptoms of depression, ptsd, and anxiety that- after enough of it, just beat you to a pulp or cook you until you're a fried egg. 

It's, too much, to deal with. So all my oddities and things that don't make sense to other people- it's just, idiocyncracies and habits that have developed to, fill my voids and emptiness, deal with my issues, or the result of sheer habit and thought patterns that have lasted years and had catastrophic effects on my mind, reaking havoc. 

the good news is, neuroplasticity is a thing. I mean, to a certain extent anyway. And DBT and CBT, do seem like, good ways to go about things. 

So I think I def need to continue therapy and work on my depression to get better, and also the ptsd and anxiety. As well as, talk about all of this that I've just discussed here (which is why i'm writing it down so I don't fucking FORGET before my appointment next week GOD DAMMIT because I know I WILL). And so yeah... 

lol 

um... yeah. But, it's nice I got some clarity at least on my own self like, having a realization like. I always had so much self loathing and shame, around my "habits" and didn't understand why they were there and why I had to be like that. People in my life you know, they kinda don't get it or think it's weird, etc. They criticize me for it. 

But I realize it's just a, byproduct of my dysfunction and damage, trauma, and uh, my internal, dysfunction as well. A representation of, how healthy my mind is? 

And then part of me was like, why are you making such a big deal about some unhealthy or odd habits like youre fine don't worry about it whatever don't go to therapy you're just being dramatic. but I know, that's just some part of me that wants to run from facing things and, fears that I can't get better and, doesn't want to leave the comfortable place of where I am now, to grow... leaving behind the habits i'm so, hookd on.

breaking down the cause of addiction

I also wanted to say, I feel like I've always been an addict. I was trying to think about my past (since much of it was thwarted through my mind in that week of flash back storm shit whatever, I was flipping through those recently brought up memories you know- of like when I was really young and forward) 

(my gf and friends hanging out with them and talking, them telling stories about their lives and their past has surfaced shit from my past I kind of forgot about or dissociated from memory wise) 

and so yeah, I was flipping through those memories like, visually and such and. Just remembering even then, as just a small fucking child I was still, naturally, kind of obsessive compulsive. Not in an OCD way but like, almost showing the early signs of what could turn into poetentialy- if given the right circumstances, addiction. Like, a predisposition to it almost. I don't know if it is genetic, or, just addictive personality, or what it is caused by. Psychology, bull shit. Who knows. 

Did a void early in life leave me feeling that way the rest of my life? Did that cause me to cling to things that were odd, like, self soothing behaviors that other chilren didn't do- but that I did, obsessively. Would that explain my detachment even from early on- socially- which plagues me even now in adulthood to the point, it's noticeable to people quite blatantly? Does it have anything to do with, my up bringing of having, a parent with borderline personality disorder, and, a mother who is- there isn't a word for it (I don't want to use the wrong term) but, who has issues of her own that spilled onto my childhood, you oknow- those things obviously did affect me in some way, my behaviors, my thought patterns. Is that what cuased my chronic anxiety and depression, in some way?? My negative self talk? My chronic feelings of worthlessness? My isolative tendencies? My detachment issues? 

And then I wonder no, maybe, my addictive tendencies were always there- like I said, I was predisposed, or perhaps had the perfect storm of nature and nurture influencing me, plus genetic history of addiction of both sides of the family (my entire family and extended family is riddled with severe addiction of alllll shapes and sizes) and then ontop of that, I have the trauma in early childhood- the first thing that gave me serious PTSD that resulted in obsessive compulsive behaviors and anxiety that has lasted a life time. And I wonder, did it all start then? 

I was suicidal then, because of the disorder I guess. I felt so alone. I was, misunderstood, and had no treatment team or recovery people telling me this was normal, or that it would get better. I didn't understand it myself, but I just had no control- and was completely subject to OCD like EDNOS. I said, "I would rather die than eat." to my parents. And I was sincere, I was suicidal. My parents held their drinking over my head in childhood as well. They, acted like I was not normal. Criticizing me, not only for my disorder but, for many things. And held me to a standard that was not only impossible, but a mold that I would never fit, and expected me to be a person I never could be- or even pretend to be. There was force feeding. There was panic attacks. There was obsessive compulsive behaviors, that lasted years. And that since of control, and the cycle of anxiety, abuse, self soothing, fear, and control- also, coupled with a habit of escapism that developed during this time- it sort of encapsulates everything, I became later in life. Or, serves as a template that can, match up or parallel perfectly with, the same basic grounds for which my actions behaviors thoughts etc are governed by now. Habits. As I was talking about.

Habits and things I think and do that I don't understand why I do, but do compulsively, or without even knowing, why I'm doing them. Why I'm this way. Why I'm not "normal." Why I stay inside for hours or days, and don't speak to anyone. Is because I did that when I was a child. I played video games all day, and all night, and all day- for years. Why? Because reality fucking sucked. And I knew that, even then. I was depressed, even then. My parents told me, with the way they talked, and treated me, that I was not, good enough, that I was not normal or like the other kids, that I was a freak, a weirdo, and would never become anything, that I was not worth anything. And this tape played, everyday for years, through out my entire- yes, ENTIRE development. Even, through to adulthood and still today. It's honestly, just gotten worse, how I'm treated, the things they say, and our dynamic- over time. As, abuse does. 

Anyway, I'm just drawing all kind of parallels to this very traumatic time in my life, and I'm matching it up like, okay I was still this same person I am now as I was when I was kid. I'm doing all the same shit, just with more adult things. Long story short. So I don't have to get into the specifics. 

BUt yeah, habits man. Habits engrained in me. I been so ashamed of and feel like I'm so weird for. (just like iw as grown up believing, i'm so weird for my habits, you should hide yourself, hide from your own self even.) And then we have the habit of dissociating from trauma and stress. We have the negative self talk. We have, the habit of escapism and, the pattern of addiction. 

there is, seeking (anxiety), obtaining (control), and then the OCD behavior or using (release). 

and all of this, is layered ontop of, a psyche that is, innately suicidal- because of a compacting of trauma and, bad thought patterns engrained from development, possibly clinical depression who fucking knows dude. physiological factors play a role of course too in causing depression and anxiety or exaserbating the disorder. 

so you cope with all these feelings, of suicidality, and this void, of emptiness. or, whatever emotion you have. whatever, sadness you have. after you get beat up. after you, have an argument. after you get kicked out. disowned. you learn these habits. you learn, what is safe. what works for you. how to function, how to survive. and no, it wasn't fucking healthy but. 

as a child, it helped me cope, with the all the underlying issues I didn't even know were there and were yet to boil to the surface, but were the indirect cuase of what was laying ontop for everyone to see- a severely anorexic child- to the point of heart failure. a child who, stays inside and plays video games, and doesn't talk much. a child who feels scared a lot, and has panic attacks, shaking head to toe. but doesn't know why. who, can't eat, but doesn't know why. who, feels weird and negative about themselves, but doesn't know why. and who later, continued having odd compulsive habits- and even addiction, but, still, didn't know why. who, hates alcoholism, and had negative dreams even - violent dreams about, alcohol involving their parents but, doesn't know why. who's been suicidal as long as I can remember but, doesn't know why. 

and lastly, who is needy, emotionally in relationships or craves intimacy, who sought approval, belonging, and connection all their life, but doesn't know, why- and the fact that the cause is, emotional neglect and abuse from early childhood forward. 

it all, coorelates. it parallels, it layers. 

you have bottom layer, suicidality, emptiness, void. depression, low self worth, no motivation, feeling incapable, feeling weird, etc. (engrained from childhood and trauma) 

then you have compulsion- the (anxiety) (control) (release) cycle I mentioned. which is also a form of self destruction or self harm, isolation. which is an addiction or habit in and of itself. 

then you have ontop, habitual escapism. addiction. which is fed by shame, and the underlying layers. 

then on the very top, you have relational or attachment dysfunctions- for me, a chronic addiction to the cycle of abuse (abusive relationships) or emotionally neglectful relationships (persecuting/doormat syndrome relationships). 

social detatchment, dissociation. 

and also another layer to it, from prolonged trauma- is identity crisis/dissociation, existential crisis, and other mental instabilities that can come with c-ptsd. 

all of the underlaying and overlaying layers, feed into the middle core layer of addiction. very, very well. 

and then to the side of that whole list there, I would put an arrow pointing to addiction, also adding physiological factors as well, and mental health chemical imbalances which are the result of nature, nurture, or a combination of the two. meaning, a chemical imbalance like major depressive disorder, and, physiological disorders like, a metabolic processing disorder (that may of been triggered by the EDNOS or exaserbated by it) results in exacerbation or even the cause of mental disorders due to serotonin deficiencies, diffulty focusing, sleeping, digestion and excretion, processing and metabolizing of b12, b6, and the production of iron causing chronic fatigue and other symptoms like body aches, mental fog, etc. 

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(cont.) 

it's always been so frustrating, i go to NA meetings and i talk about things, trying to get clarity or just venting, introspecting my thoughts outloud whatever- and people always say, "the reason you do XYZ is because you are an addict." 

that's alawys the answer, it's the cookie cutter response, to everything. 

But, I the truth is, understanding yourself though it is overwhelming and has to be done in ones own time, in a fashion that's healthiest and safest for them- it is crucial to overcoming addiction. 

Yes, I get owning it, saying you are an addict. Admitting your responsibility. Admitting your problem. This is a huge part of it too, which I need constant reminding of- 

But, there is a huge psychology element at play, and a huge, physiological element at play most likely for almost every addict. I don't understand how we can just ignore that. 

I feel so much better, lighter, I feel more in control, now that I understand why the fuck I do all this weird shit. Why I am the way I am. You know? 

There is less shame, about what, I do. 

Before it was like I was always kicking myself like, "c'mon why can't you be like them. why are you doing this again. why are you down in this dump again, doing this dumb shit to yourself." 

and I would *resign* myself to a lower lifestyle, though I did know I was capable of more, because I just, didn't feel "like them." and didn't know why, I had to be that way but, I just had to fucking be. 

Everyone else left class to go do their homework. But me, I had to get high. I had to. 

And I couldn't, imagine living any other way. And I didn't, know or understand why that had to be me. Why I couldn't be them. The people who, don't need, drugs. You know? 

But now I'm starting to understand myself better, it makes complete sense. And I'm not, NOT them. We're still alike. They're not "normies or neurotypicals" and me I"m just plagued with a brain that doesn't fit the box theirs does. I'm not structurally different from them to a point, that I can't be, myself and still be happy and healthy. That is, a lie. That people tell themselves. To believe, they are broken and can't be fixed. 

It's just not true. It's just, you're so tangled in it, you can't have the clarity to even tell yourself what you need to know, and believe, to get beter, or to feel better in the moment. Tunnel vision. Blinders. Rose colored glasses but, instead of rose colored, they're shit colored. 

Anhyways so yeah, it's nice I got some clarity on that. So maybe I can talk about it with a professional and be like, yo, I can't stop, doing these habitual things. I think I understand why partially, we can dive into it more and stuff but like, I have habits. In my mind that bring me down. And in my actions, that waste my time and are dysfunctional. And I can't stop doing them, to fill this fucking empty void. 

And also yeah, I have some depression and anxiety and ptsd that needs to be worked on still lol. Because, I have to move to Colorado soon. to FUCKING Colorado. And, last time I flew in a plane I had a panic attack, and said I would never do it again. last time I drove long distances to unknown locations, I had major panic attacks and dissociative episodes, and said I would never do it again. I can't handle traveling basically, and living in new places is going to be a trigger for bouts of dissocation like i'm going to have to do a fuck ton of grounding and learn tactics to help me fel comfortable and like, grounded to my reality if that makes any sense. it's no easy task. 

but yeah, I can't even handle being at my friends house without needing a benzo cuz im having a panic attack like how the fuck am I going to do that dude? lol 

but yeah um...…. so that's an issue. lol. maybe i'll just have to knock myself out with Benadryl and sleep the entire time i'm traveling. i'll be with friends so they can take care of me idk. it's just not the easiest thing thanks to that being one of my major pillars like, of things that trigger me BADly. 

but anyways um.... I found out I will be living on, the facility which will be really cool. so like, it'll be like i'm basically in rehab but, I can come and go obviously because i'm an employee but. at first I will be living on the facility for like the first three months or so until I find a place to live and save up and blah blah blah. so i'm kind of looking forward to lke, focusing on my own recovery too in a way. which is what everyone is going to be doing anyways so I think it will actually be really positive for me. 

hard to put into words but, it'skind of like, going to camp or like, on a retreat. but I get to live there. and it's realy peaceful and nice, and everyone is in recovery and doing recovery stuff, surrounded by recovery people. and its really happy and a good time. an di think I need that kind of place, to better my health inside of too, while also working and earning there its like, the perfect fucking opportunity just opened up in the sky and came down and handed itself to me which is amazing. everything I needed and could of asked for, what I GENUINELY need, and what is *right* for me is just, happening to me. so that's so crazy. 

like I don't need to be in any other place right now than focusing on my recovery. I don't need to be forcing myself (a square) into any more round holes anymore. I need to do things that fucking make sense, like, for me in the palce I genuinely am. Doing things I genuinely wanna do. Not, dating people I don't really want to. Or, hanging with friends I don't really want to. Or, taking jobs I don't really belong in. Like, I just need to fucking do me. For real. 

And that's what my ex gf said when we were breaking up like, she messaged me the next day saying that she hopes I do me. and i'm like yeah.... I just need to do me man. 

we have to liberate ourselves, and untangle ourselves, and there is a responsibility to that, as well as, an incredible difficulty to it. 

but, I suppose once you finally do it, that is what recovery is. or, as you're doing it. you know?? 

I get so banally depressed and bored and monotonous feeling with the artificial things in life because, I habitually seek things in it which you can't get from it. liberation, escape, for my true soul. 

you're not going to find it in these soul less things... it's like expecting a rock to be alive like a plant and to be able to suck the life from it, to eat it. it will always taste like charcoal it will never digest that well, it could even hurt you. 

a plant is not a rock. 

liberation is in things that are alive, and grow, they aren't stagnant or artificial. they are real. 

so, you can find liberation in things that are *real* not, the artificial. 

and that's why i'm so fucking bored with myself and my life and can get so uninspired and unmotivated at times. it's because i'm not really living i'm just, consuming, letting my habits take over on repeat like a record. and I ask myself as i'm going in cricles in this cycle running myself into the ground, why the fuck am I doing this. is it like mind control? everyday i'm out the door like clock work. and I, do the same things, over and over again. habits. 

and yet, I should be happy no? I have all the things I want. a beautiful place, transportation, money. artificial things. makeup, drugs, sex, whatever. 

I used to think it was love I needed to escape from this sort of prison, of loneliness and, rudimentary, mundane. 

but the truth is, I have to provide that "liberation" truly, myself, not through, a lover, or friends, or an occupation. not through, success or achievement, approval, acceptance, belonging, status, or numbers in a bank account, or showing off experiences and accomplishments. it's not, about, any of that. it's not about being nothing either. it's not about taking the easy road. it's not about having all your needs and wants met. 

this will not make you happy. sure, the drugs will you get you high but then you come down. you withdrawal. you need more. and, more. and more. 

and, what else is there left? what does that make of life then? what does that make of you, but an empty shadow, walking in a larger empty void. 

what is the point. there isn't one. 

contement truly is inside... I think that's why I was having so many anxiety attacks too lately is because, I was coming to a close. of a chapter. and I knew that I couldn't keep it up much longer. all my stupid habits. my ways of running from, everything. 

and, it's scary you know when you have to face the shit you ran from for so long and its overwhelming when you don' tunderstand it or how you're going to deal with it. and there's this sense of a gun being to your head and someone is screaming at you pull the trigger. 

suicidality creeps up on you and then all at once, and it's terrifying. when you have to really look at the void you've been avoiding and just how gaping it is, and you're floating above it drifting off into nothingness. it's so much easier just to not look at it. 

but, I think, that's what was happening is, I was starting, to look at it. I was starting to look at my past too, examining it. forcibly seeing it. flash backs. 

and it was to much, at first. overwhelming. I panicked. 

but then idk, I just thought about it for another week and kind of put it all together and made sense of it as best I could. because I've been journaling for so long, (probably my only healthy coping mechanism i'm addicted to) there is also this desire to come to a conclusion. when I write. or else it feels fucking pointless and I have no desire to write. but the writing and the posting in and of itself is a high. that I enjoy you know or, am compulsively addicted to. I almost don't feel right if I don't have time in the day to get something down important. 

but, I have to think about things deeply befor ei write, sometimes for weeks. because, I dunno, when I mull it over, then I have something, to really say- about my week. not just explaining what I did, but, my internal processings as well, and what they mean. putting them into words. etc. 

this self reflection and introspection, is crucial to growth as well and when you put it into words, you are also allowing your conscious self to re-analyze what you said, adding another layer of thought to what you already thought about. and, later you can reflect as well, and compare, chronologically- what you thought then, how you thought- and notice the changes, in how you are now, how you think now, where you're at now- in you rmind. how your processsings work now. 

but yeah, it's also helpful to write this all down so I don't forget, because I will. and then, my therapists asks me, "how was the last month?" and I go... uhhhh, I uh, I did nothing. 

but that's not true, you're never really doing nothing. 

Blanc said: 

Turncoat said: 

Factitious Disorder. 

 I've heard of this disorder before, i'm not making up my dissociation. 

Not on purpose anyway. 

Turncoat said: 

Blanc said: 

Turncoat said: 

Factitious Disorder. 

 I've heard of this disorder before, i'm not making up my dissociation. 

Not on purpose anyway. 

 Idk if its real or not but i trust doctors Pretty well

I don’t know how to stop the cycle