What dissociation feel like - 6 - Sociopath Community

I finally realize last night that I do live in a cut off or segmented, dissociated life

from like my past. It’s so heavy, and dark that like. I just couldn’t carry that around with me anymore so my mind like cut it out

and I function without it if that makes any sense- most the time I’m not thinking about that place or that time or any of that shit

ifs almost like it’s just not there

and then I can like go to that place and once I’m there it’s really awful like being in a field of tar that is sticky and wet and you can’t pick up your feet it’s like walking through rubber cement or quick sand like it’s a trap

you can’t get out of it

and it’s weird like I feel it like a light switch it’s night and day, how I am and how I feel when I’m not in that place, and how I am and how I feel when I am in that place if I allow myself to go there- which most the time I’m unwilling to do.

Rarelt I will open up and talk about things and even more rarelt will I go in depth enough and be open and raw enough to actually physically go there and to actually feel everything for real real

but when I do it’s just so bad like it’s sickening and depressing and anxiety gets high and I feel like I’m dissociating the whole time it’s just a very weird feeling like

and then yeah the anxiety gets too high and I have to stop or I’ll have a panic attack and I shut down

and just refuse to acknowledge the topic anymore and space out, fall asleep from exhaustion (the processing of that shit is like so heavily weighted just doing a little bit is like very very very mentally draining and taxing?) and yeah so I feel like I’ve like worked an 8-14 hour shift at work or something like I’m like beat. Dead tired. And I have to go to sleep after that. And I’m in such a weird place emotionally from that too that I know the only way I can transition out of that is to just reset and wake up and forget about it

I almost revert to a childlike state after I go to that place like I just become very primitive and want nurturing and comfort. In the same way a child becomes very needy and helpless, I just sort of lay there like blankly with tears still on my face like spacing out and just cover myself in blankets and pillows and curl up and want to not exist. And sometimes I just want cuddles but I don’t want people I don’t want to talk I don’t want to exist I don’t want to be acknowledged I don’t want reality but I do want something warm to cuddle with that doesn’t say anything which is why dogs are very good.

And it can be grounding and soothing for the dissociation and then to help with the depression and anxiety I just distract by watching videos but not really paying attention just playing them in the background and not even looking but yeah I just fall asleep like that.

I tried to write... when I was in this bad place mentally yesterday. I got triggered from posting the “my dad yelling at me” video and listening to the other girls video about her toxic parent and I guess it was just a little too much for me. It triggered me more than expected I guess. Not that bad but still, it happened. ig made me depressed and anxious and curl up into a ball and want to die so bleh

So yeah um, I’m probably triggering myself even just getting into this right now so I won’t go any further but.

like I was going to post what I wrote but... idk. I don’t want to think about it. It’s like hard stuff man... it’s the stuff that has formed entire psychological disorders for me so like. It’s serious stuff :(

indint know why I’m crying that’s stupid anyways (it’s ok to have emotions about this tho it’s healthy to finally cry about it because tbh I haven’t very much and it’s very weird I guess that I haven’t.)

okay so lol yeah I’m not going to Uh post it just yet... I can’t even read it because I don’t want to cause myself to get fucked up depression and anxiety wise it’s just too much like I said but like!!!!

fuxk I saved it so at least I could copy and paste without looking directly at it and reading it but jeez that feels scary cuz it’s super personal dawgggg eeek

but yeah Um... im debating sharing just to show. Processing I guess and what it looks like on paper. And that dissociated bad place, it’s not a description of what it’s like to be in that place but it’s a record of what my thoughts were in that place I guess (some of them not all of them of course)

and that is interesting to me (it’s why I wrote it down in the first place) because I know I will forget. Because I wake up and reset and dissociate from it. I don’t remember this shit. I really don’t. I forget it happened I forget it exists so. I forget I even went to that bad place yesterday. So I have to record when it happens for memories sake, and what I’m thinking or processing at the time as best I can- (it’s difficult because I’m so anxious or depressed sometimes I can’t... hard to explain but yeah. It’s a thing)

but yeah... I guess I did a good job of recording the important important things that I knew I would forget later (because I always ducking do!!!)

so yeah... I might share what I wrote just for records sake eeek but that’s very scary. It might not even make fucking sense. Agh... Um. I don’t wanna read it cuz that’s also scary cuz then boom immediate triggered into bad place again right and then I have to suffer there for hours until I fall asleep

so I will think about it... I’m just gonna tell myself I can handle this and be strong about it and like read it post it and be done

and just not allow myself to get emotionally entrenched in it but just. Like stay clinical observer about it and just read it and done don’t dwell on it stay present etc watch videos immediately after and I’ll be fine right??

right???? I dunno I might get triggered as all shit we will see

fuc k lol

^ just from reading a tiny bit like scanning over it i feel dissociate-y so i stopped... it also gives me anxiety

so yeah um..... yeah.. basically it makes me feel like, as if you just got off of a really dizzying fast moving roller coaster ride that went on too long so ur just like spinning and floaty and adjusting weirdly and you can’t like concentrate on anything visually it’s super floaty and weird feeling in the head like..... eaaaghhh

like idk maybe when u first wake up u might feel kinda lke this sometimes, close to it. That’s what best way i can describe...

but it’s annoying like its not ideal to feel like a fucking dizzy cloud that can’t see and ur floaty in the head

bmmm;lakjfklsdjfa;sdjf;sdjfa;aksdjfl;skdjfadf

and i have more notes from last night. In the bad space. One more. That I wanted myself to remember, apparently