Sociopath Community

your problem is that due to your narcissism you pick people who are doing worse than you to feel superior and needed by them then cry that they use you. get treatment for your NPD and start dating people who are healthy or on equal grounds as you are.

I’m forced to pretend. That I’m interested. And that I’m fine. When I’m not. 

And I’m just, so exhausted by it all. 

Like, this isn’t, friendship, these aren’t friends. This isn’t, a girlfriend. 

These are people who don’t have their shit together and are way too old, to be acting the way they do. And they’re dragging me into their toxic shit and poor life decisions and, 

I just don’t want anymore of it. 

I wanted, a relationship. I wanted, that. But, I see now what I want... even though she painted the illusion it would be, it, in reality won’t be, with her. 

Which was a little devastating last night and yes I cried on the way home but, I’m used to this and I’m not surprised, because I have seen, this all before, if not worse. And I’ve seen, girls like this, before. I’ve fallen for them, mistakenly. 

And, I just won’t do that again... 

I can’t. Shit hits hard when you have depression, it fucks you up. In order to stay mentally stable I really have to keep myself out of getting hurt and shit on. It’s, a trigger. Or whatever. I take it a little harder than most, it digs up some seriously bad, black deep shit inside of me. 

I have a lot of issues I’m sorting out in therapy still, obvioulsy and. I can’t add more shit to the plate, to handle. More hurt. More, being used and abused. More, bull shit. 

I can’t handle anymore chaos. I just mentally, can’t. I can’t handle, stress. I can’t handle, anxiety. I can’t handle, hurt. I can’t handle any of it anymore. I can’t handle being lost. I can’t handle feeling broken, used, abused or, abandoned. Or broken up with/cheated on. 

I just, can’t do that shit anymore. I’ve had too fucking much in life you know and I’m, not able to mentally do it anymore. I can’t carry that load I’m already in overload, with the shit I have to carry and handle on the daily. 

So yeah, for my own sanity... it’s sad to say but, it’s best I, cut this shit off. It’s either that or just prolong the suffering and addiction to, unhealthy relationships. I know it only gets worse. I know better. 

I deserve better. 

I want better. For my life.

I am doing the same, if you have noticed, i keep my relationships very brief and unemotional.

I am going to take a year off from dating and socializing in any sort of depth and just working on my future goals and mental health. I suggest you to do the same.

Isolation can be damaging but it can be restorative when its done after a series of damaging wounding relationships. You can learn to fulfill and soothe yourself and cure yourself of the dependence on others. It will help you realize that you truly are alone on your own and need to put yourself and take your own side.

There are no real relationships based on need. I might feed a homeless guy for a week then he might start ignoring me when someone starts giving him free crack and money. You want to build relationships with people who need nothing from you but yet stay with you out of their pleasure and enjoyment. That will require developing a complex unique personality tho so idk

You will always envy what you don't currently have, then disregard it once it's yours. 

I’m just trying to live my truth and be okay

feel depressed anxious and anti-social lately 

I uh... will journal more about it later I guess. Everything that’s been going on in my mind today... 

I have similar experience to what Jeremy described, minus the spores being around my head. But in place of that, I have like facial dislocation. As if my face is slowly morphing around into an abstract painting, as if it is melting. It isn't painful, it's like my face is lava, morphing around and, ambiguous jelly. While the rest of the world is, moving forward as if, inertia is catching up to me. But it's all very uneven, so I'm so dizzy and disoriented by all of this, I can't feel my feet touching the ground, sometimes my arms feel like they're not a part of my body or, my hands. And I just have to put my head between my legs basically in a fetal position, while the world and my own face, is morphing around and dizzying me. It's to a point that I can't see, clearly, I can focus on something for more than a split second if I tried, not visually, not, in my thoughts. So focusing myself, is impossible. My mind is racing and every thought is, rapid and irrational- and I just have this overwhelming fear, and panic, and intense anxiety while, feeling, like the world is literally- ending. It feels like someone put you up to high and you can't get back down, to reality. Ever again. You feel, dislocated from the world in the scariest way, and all you want is just to feel, normal again. But instead you're stuck in almost like, this hell like version of the world where you can't connect to anything, everything is empty, and it's terrifying how you can't connect, and how you cannot feel, anything, you can't feel happiness. You can't feel anything but the sensation of, the dislocation and the emptiness. If I do try to get a sentence out, it likely won't make sense, because that's how badly I can't think straight when this is happening, and the words come out slurred, jumbled, and I can't find, words- I can't form sentences or communicating an idea is extremely hard. Opening my eyes, makes it worse. It's best to just try and focus my mind as much as I can, using guided meditation techniques I've been taught in therapy. Sometimes things escalate to a point that my entire body is shaking, my legs and such. And the normal grounding meditation techniques, distraction, don't bring me down. And I have to take an emergency Benzo, to cut the anxiety down. I behave like a small child, needy. I might start talking to myself, whispering everything is going to be okay and rocking back and forth. Or pressing my forehead up against a wall and just trying as hard as I can to focus on the breath, instead of the feeling of ice in my chest and the overwhelming panic, and the nausea that is making me want to hurl. I will start sweating. I may start, crying a little, or- hysterically. I may crouch down in a corner and start, sobbing and screaming, and gripping my fists. My entire body, becomes tense like a rock, and I shake. Sometimes it feels like, I can't breath, or regulate my breathing properly- hyperventilation. And my heart rate, can get too high, up to 170 or so. No matter how badly I want to will it, down, it will not go down. Sometimes these occur after a dissociative episode. But they are mainly brought on by PTSD triggers, or, the fear of anxiety itself, getting generally worked up by other stressors in my life. I have to keep my stress low, and even then. I still struggle with feelings of, dislocation, emptiness, hopelessness, and despair. A general lack of motivation, an uninterest in things I once enjoyed, and habitual Isolating behavior. All I want to do, is numb myself. But I know, that's not the way out. It's just another way to make things even worse. My life has been stunted, by my mental health struggles. Which I've had to accept. I've had to accept a lot of things, in these past few years. But I do what to try and continue, healing from PTSD if that is at all possible. So I don't have to experience these hell-like symptoms anymore, so I don't have to be inhibited, in my life, and relationships, and so I don't have to take a pill, every time I'm so scared I can't even think straight- that causes me to be physiologically dependent, and results in other, negative side effects. 

I want to be free, from this. 

The nightmares have gotten better, I've gotten less restless in the night. I've began to heal my body, not just my mind. And journaling is helping me make slow, progress here and there when it comes to, self introspection (I suppose?) and, coping. Maybe. 

But generally, I don't know how to help myself. I'm, trying but. It's also very hard. 

this whole video is decent but 

@28:13 is something I want to highlight. 

"especially if there is somebody around to help, we'll just kind of curl up in a ball and sort of, go completely numb afterwards." 

"yeah, it's exhausting after experiencing a flashback, heightened startle response or a flare up of ptsd, it's exhausting." 

"it is absolutely shattering" 

"it is exhausting, mentally, emotionally, physically..." 

"it's draining." 

"it doesn't mean you can't deal with life. It can be completely destabilizing, and can get in your way and you can't do the things you used to do- but having ptsd, it doesn't mean that you are inherently weak. that you are unable to get over things, that you are stupid. it is a normal response to trauma." 

"it has nothing to do with how much you're worth or how much you're capable of dealing with." 

- 

they way the dissociadid system speaks about things is absolutely beautiful and moving. Most of us struggle to put things into words the way that they are able to, and it's super helpful honestly. 

it also shows a lot of strength on their part, both team piñata and dissociadid, must have done a lot of work to get to the place they're in now where they can talk about this without, triggering the absolute fuck out of themselves. I, am currently in a place where even after years of "getting better" and improvement through therapy, I am still no where able, in the position, I mean. To like, talk about this, like that. 

I can't sit down and just have a conversation about ptsd, or whatever. Which is why I write so much, for some reason, I can handle words on a screen. But when it's an exchange back and forth, vocally, or face to face. I just, can't do it. 

Like I can't speak about these topics without panicking really badly, getting all dissociative and weird, or having some form a mental breakdown. 

So... other people may not see it but, I recognize their strength... it's amazing honestly. #powercouple lol

No mess, no stress. 

due to the how bad my mental health in fact is (though I’ve improved since 2017 where I was at my worst, and can generally function) 

I think I may have to pursue a different avenue career wise that suits the issues I have. 

Believing that they will just go away is a pipe dream and the reality is, they will continue to be in the way unless I choose a career where they can still be present... 

So I think I’m going to go back into design, instead of Surgical tech. And continue learning lumion and auto cad, CET, do freelance work on the side as well as take up an internship at a company which I was offered. 

That way I can have something financially stable and security. Financial stress is a trigger for my depression, so I just need to know something is coming every month for me not to freak out mentally. 

Beside that, it’s also nice to use the creative side of myself... freely. I guess. That is a strength of mine. 

Diagnostics and problem solving was a strength of mine as well, but the actual career path (science and health field) demands more than I can give. Though I do find it interesting. There just is no room for mental illness in these career paths and the reality is mine isn’t going away.  

Both careers interest me equally.