Lol I accidentally hinted at having an online blog where I post shit about my mental health and journal, regularly. To my therapist today.
I was like, "oh I forgot what happened that day but, I journaled it. That's why I write everything down, I know I'll forget in two weeks." and then she wanted me to retrieve the journal so I could tell her what happened that day, I pulled out my phone and started scrolling and said, "I can't find the post..." and she said "...post?" and I'm like, UHHHHHHH I mean like, I just write on a little blog thing, so just I can access it from anywhere, but, it's fairly... private.
The word "post" just slipped out of my mouth.
But yeah, today's visit was good. I told her about the mental breakdown I had the day after my last therapy session, which I journaled about here if you want to go back and read it- it's in this thread somewhere. And how I was crying by the end of that day. And then I told her I had some epiphanies as a result of the hardship I went through though, which is that I'm similar to my dad in the way that he has a "ghandi/mother theresa" side and a "god father" side and how I realized the confusion and pulling I felt between two polar opposite sides, was the same thing. And we dove into the meaning of these sides, where they were born, why I have them. Mental patterns I fall into as a result of abuse essentially. And I explained that as I continue therapy I'm feeling more grounded in my true self, and those two other sides are falling away. She explained this as integration. It's much healthier for me to be this way- in short. And I'm much happier too. Without those bad patterns weighing my down, it's almost liberating. We discussed other bad patterns and thought processes developed from trauma and violence, berrating, pressure, etc. And also my inability to be open with people and connect. And my therapist suggesting I continue attending groups, reading books about stuff as I've been doing to make connections with people and form a support system that I can go to that *isn't* my parents or else I risk fallng back into that unhealthy pattern either- going to them or, going to someone similar (forming relationship with a dude just like ur dad, etc.) and continuing a cycle of suffering of abuse for myself.
All of this is a very vague summarization of everything we discussed. This just serves to jog my memory of the session and what we discussed but if I sat here and wrote down about every individual exchange back and forth and all my thoughts about all of it, it would take a novel. Hah!
We also briefly talked about why I started therapy in the first place, which was in April of 2017. I told her about the fragile crisis state I had gotten to, and just a bit about that and what it was like. The inability to relax, to connect or have conversations with people, to open up, the feeling of constant fear- grew into a much sicker, debilitating problem and the tension I constantly harbored turned into full blown constant anxiety disorder. And the panic attacks, suicidal ideation from severe depression, coupled with dissociation- often pushed me to suicide and had become beyond unmanagable. And that's how I wound up in a mental hospital, and then we talked a bit about the therapist I had as outpatient upon discharge and why I'm not seeing her anymore- and I told her about the "homework assignment" she gave me that wound me up back in the mental hopsital- because it backfired and I was just in a fragile state at the time so. That was kind of why I stopped seeing her I just don't think she understood what to do for me or the state I was in at all- what I was going through in regard to PTSD etc. I often just told her things and she had no idea what to say or do about them. I was experiencing really confusing symptoms that I was new to, that were completely strange. Very extreme. And she just, said nothing about it, did nothing about it. Didn't help me in anyway with them. She wanted to know why I stopped seeing her so that's what I told her as to why I did.
In short this therapist is really good for me and understands *how* to help me really well as well as what I'm talking about in the first place in regard to trauma. We didn't do any EMDR today but, that's ok. Maybe next week...
Next week at 3... she gave me a homework assignment which is just to fill out this sheet that gets me through crisis points or panic attacks if they ever come up again. Just because she learned of my issue with this in the past, though it was nearly three years ago, she has to give me something just to make sure I stay safe so.
It's just a safety precaution sort of fail safe sheet I can go to when I'm losing my mind essentially. If I ever happen to. This isn't likely to happen but, it still could. So yeah she's just doing what she's supposed to as a therapist so that's good I guess.
