Sociopath Community

I’ve been keeping up really well with a fairly consistent routine 

been marking off a calendar everyday I manage to do things I’m requiring of myself that I think help me 

nothing too large but just taking it easy with what I can 

working my way up to managing... a functional life again. 

ive been getting more functional basically. Because of my mental space, getting quote unquote healthier. 

hard to explain exactly as to what I mean by that but basically, my recovery efforts that I have made, have made an actual difference. 

do I still have further to go? Yes. Completely. 

baby steps. It’s always been baby steps. I felt like three years ago was chapter one but really this entire three years was just an introduction- to chapter 1. 

if that makes any sense... 

anyway uh.... still debating on seeing this therapist again or not. Because of the whole, breaking my trust thing, as someone with ptsd from that exact sort of thing it just is something I have a really hard time with. 

not only do I extremely doubt others and their intentions tho I also realized I really do struggle with doubting myself like beyond what’s normal 

comes from trauma and stuff but 

yeah I thought I got over self doubt three years ago when I started to find my sense of worth my innate like reason to be alive or will to live and like also a sense of feeling capable? 
capability and worth are super important in the beginning well they were for me everyone had their own humps to overcome but 

I realize I still have that hanging on, among the internal rumination that is like a negative tape playing in my head and crippling me. So yeah that’s a piece of the internal talk I deal with daily, and it was good I could separate it out and recognize it and be aware of it 

doing that alone and realizing it’s not you it’s beside you is very difficult to do. Depression is a perfect mirage and like the stronger it gets the more perfect the illusions become to the point you can only see complete deceipt like, your eyes are playing tricks on you but it’s your mind. This is the nature of illness that is psychological. They are self perpetuating in such a clever way. 

that’s why dbt and cbt are important as you’re the only one who can work to rewire that.... 

feels like working with a shit show honestly. Piecing together a puzzle in the dark with infinite pieces. So, unbelievably frustrating. Haha 

but yeah... anyway... im just rambling. 

as far as how I’m actually doing lately, I have great days and I have bad days. It’s up and down. But I’m just trying to stick with the bare minimum requirements at least 

I’ve been tired... extremely tired 

bla bla bla... time to put on my night mask and comfy pjs and sleep 😴💤 

 
sleep forever 

infinitely tired

signing off, coming to you from blancs bath tub 

Coffee scrubs and bubble baths are heaven for depression by the way. Also drink water. It’s one of my fave things to do is just drink cold water. Voss, smart or Fiji. Or use Brita filter. 

just some little things that help me manage it 

idk why probably dopamine or seratonin related I really don’t know. Self care in general is great for mental health. 

treat yo self. 

I spend too much of my day stressing out in my head over dumb shit. You have to set a time to just turn all of that off and make it time for just being in the present moment with yourself. Taking care of yourself. 

I’m gonna melatonin myself to knock out now because I can’t stop rambling 

overactive mind just chattering away 

melatonin extra strength extended release and meditation with calm app = knock out 

I just took my meds to go to bed so I’m feeling really sleepy 

but I was just reflecting on how I’ve been doing mentally lately it’s been really good like consistently. Pretty much not a lot of severe depression so that’s good 

taking the meds consistently is absolutely crucial I’ve seen 

for me I just have to take the meds or I’m actually just really fucking mentally ill and it sucks and it’s not fun lol 

here’s a glimpse into a little bit of what it’s like, with anxiety and major depression, etc. 

In my opinion it just scratches the surface but still she exposes a lot of stuff that I think people may not realize who don’t have depression/anx or don’t understand it 

for me this was only the beginning like, as I got older it got a lot worse than how she is here. It’s truly mind bending how bad it can get. 

im really grateful for everyday that I have feeling slightly normal or good. 

the other day I went out with my mom as she just got back from Italy, me and my sis and her went out to lunch. 

and she was complaining about a lot of petty negative stuff or ruminating abojt the past and gossiping about people picking apart their flaws and just spewing discontent and dissatifacrion

and I’m just sitting there like glad that I’m even where I am today and That I managed to sit in a restaurant just being normal 

having this great quality meal, served to me, paid for. Like I have a lot to be grateful for is what I kept reminding her. And that everything isn’t a disaster like, we’re literally all fine and, all the fighting and ruminating just isn’t necessary. Really. 

Then a trigger topic came up and I was toast from there, went into a panic attack and started dissociating a bit it’s not pleasant. I did my best to ground myself and got through it but yeah afterward I had to take a nap. 

But other than that one moment I’ve had a good week and I hope I can continue to roll with the punches and try to keep this depression like at bay and continue to work thru it and the anxiety 

I’m glad I’m not in the place I was like this girl so many years ago anymore and I feel for jer

i know what it’s like to be totally lost in something like that and I can tell she’s really lost in it 

I hope she can come out the other end one day too