Mental Health - 17 - Sociopath Community

RE: Mental Health

natasha87 · 2019-09-25T09:19:02.2870000

i wonder if u ever feel genuine distress from convincing yourself that u have serious mental health issues other than benig an attention starved basic bitch

Blanc said:
feels really good to have some liberations and compassion for urself when u live in a world of constant just, berating yourself and shit

from bad thought patterns and habits and, mental illness you know

it's like finally I get a one up for god sake. after just nothing but endless bull shit in your head negating everything u do

finally you just put ur foot down and ur like no lol ur fuckin wrong, I'm right, get out

im gonna do this.... and ur gonna fuck the fuck off dammit

and ur claiming that for urself and it feels really good so yeah uh

########## recovery is a bitch

you owe yourself that freedom though to allow yourself to taste it so do the work and set yourself free dammit

ask urself are u really happy and if not then figure it out dude cuz u deserve happiness and it does exist but u have to earn it :P not chase- earn.

yeah so... I had some realizations as I poorly documented in this thread lol?

about uh, freedom from your inner demons I suppose...

for the longest time iw as focused on liberation coming from external things, and while I knew that wasn't the answer- I hadn't really found the answer, at all.

so I was just kind of lost and.... then uh... sorry I'm dissociating a bit lol hold on

fuck. stay with it.

ok so.. I realized the more I write and talk and open up the more clarity im able to find but, obviously don't just sit in an echo chamber this has to be done intelligently, strategically. like, exposing yourself to good walls to bounce shit off of, and make sure these walls, are positive reinforcements for you.

things that will uplift you, educate you, etc. that doesn't mean that it will necessarily feel good- I just mean, it has to actually produce a result of some kind.

also exposing yourself to people that benefit you positively in some way or another is good of course and of course building a reliable... healthy support system.

so yeah uh... in opening up and writing, and exposing myself to good "reinforcements" of all kinds, it's helped me essentially get through another week, with depression and what not, - and find further clarity, further wholeness but-

it was eye opening because.. um. for the first time in a *very* long time I got this relief of like, a breath of fresh fuckign air.... like *long long* over due, and all the weight of what I'd been going through just melted off of me

because I dunno.. how to put it but. somehow I managed to find compassion for myself, genuine compassion and... that is the feeling of letting go... not like, letting go because u don't care but, literally, letting go of the unhealthy grip depression has on you and all the places in your mind it was connected to, all the things you still hold onto in your head, believing day in and out that just aren't true. lies, your depression tells you.

I was able to free myself from that for just, a moment. and step outside of it. and realize what it was like to feel normal... like.... idk.... to feel.... like I could enjoy just, normalcy? I guess because I wasn't so weighed down with like, bad stuff.... its like there was a balance now where, just doing normal things could be good idk

and that has *never* happened to me. in all my years of treatment. not, like this.

like.... I was able to genuinely enjoy, normalcy I dunno it was the WEIRDEST thing lmfao I was like oh.... so this is what normal people feel like. they're actually.... fine. and, ok with... everything the way it is.

and I realized I could be too if... I just kept... working on this route that I'm going working on my depression, untangling myself from it.

so yeah uh... that was great. it has attempted to sneak back in today a little bit just with negative thought pattern, rumination shit it likes to feed me but I've been telling it no and, yeah just moving in a positive direction still... and I went to my NA meeting tonight inSTEAD of using which was great

my sponsor was like really happy to see me, I haven't seen/talked to her in TWO MONTHS because I disappeared after I relapsed. I was so ASHAMED I couldn't forgive myself.

and it sounds stupid but, like until. you truly can forgive yourself and let go of shame and guilt, like you're going to stay stuck. you will. shit you're holding onto, grudges, reservations, whatever. that shit is going to keep you from recovery it really will. no matter how much you think you can cheat your way out of doing things the hard way- there is no such thing in recovery.

you can't just have your reservations on the side and then, half ass your recovery that's what I was doing. like, "yeah this might work but, not for me. I have clinical depression, I have ptsd. people don't understand me. no one gets it, I'm different. I'm too anti-social, I'm too weird for NA. My sponsor doesn't really get me.... what's the point in doing these assignments.... what's the point in doing service... what's the point in showing up for meetings. It's all in one ear and out the other. what difference does it really make, why should it matter. my stupid little life is insignificant, in 200 years it'll all be forgotten, I don't need to make a big deal about recovery. I don't need to make a big deal about using or not using. Who cares if I do or don't succeed in life. You're stupid and worthless anyway. You're fucked up anyway. You'll Never get better really. It's all a hoax, it's all a scam, it's all a crutch and a lie people feed themselves. People just want a sense of control, they just want connection. They just believe it works so then it does."

and it goes ON AND ON AND ON LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

how fucking STUPID does all that shit sound out loud. SO STUPID. but my brain, FEEDS me that on a CONTINUOUS LOOP. If I don't SAY IT OUT LOUD and talk about what's really on my mind, and if I don't SAY SOMETHING. If I keep it all in. I will REMAIN sick like that I will stay STUCK.

and guess what, when you're doing all that ruminating, and half assing your recovery, not seeking the treatment you need, not trying to make a difference in your life in. your thoughts, actions, behaviors, people you hang around, things/places you expose yourself to, etc, etc, etc- you will stay. STUCK.

it's a self fulfilling prophecy. if you tell me all day long NA doesn't work. You're right, it doesn't work.

IT doesn't work unless you do and, it's really true. You have to do the work to get the results. And you can't have your foot half in, you can't go in skeptical and waiting for the magic to rain down on you. You have to keep relentlessly seeking answers.... relentlessly adapting, your new, recovered life for your own survival.

for me, I forget everything. I get in a bad mood, a bad head space. and I, stop attending to myself like I should. or, as my therapist says, like a friend would take care of you. ya know. I stop taking care of myself.

so you gotta work around that. I put shit on the wall to remind me of things. things that inspire me. a calendar, which I mark everyday of, that I've stayed sober, and gone to my meeting, and done all the shit that I'm supposed to do.

I give myself schedules and lists to make things easier, like, Sunday is designated laundry/grocery day. and I struggle to make decisions with food so I just put together an instacart list (I have an eating disorder lol) and I just click "order" and literally that's all I have to do. no... thinking.

because if I think too much about food, I end up buying none.

I purposefully make efforts to open up, talk, write, do what I can to speak my honest truth that day, and everyday so that I can have peace of mind, and I can grant myself clarity, so that way, I don't have a foggy mind, throwing me of course again.

because my mind, slips, so- easily.

some just have a higher propensity for it, it's called mental illness. If you already have that natural tendency, working against you, you really have to fight it from all angles or you're just not going to win. It will eat you alive from the inside out, and swallow your mind whole.

so yeah... just... a daily reminder to fuckin, own your truth, say it out loud, with no... holding back no... judgement. for yourself.

and remember that you owe yourself that. liberation. you deserve... to be heard and... if bad things happened, it's not, your fault and... I have compassion for the people that did me wrong and that's how I've made my peace with it but, some people, you know, they like to believe these people, deserve a day in court and... so yeah court day or no court day.... you deserve to stand up and say, hey, this person did this to me and it was wrong and it wasn't ok.

and as simple as that sounds, someone who has suffered years of psychological and physical abuse, is going to have a hard time understanding and really getting that concept, for themselves. they'll have a hard time with a lot of things in life, internally. that shit fucks you up but the way that you heal from it is what makes you who you are and no one can take that away from you.

yeah it's shitty sometimes but, life is shit sometimes for anyone and we all have our fair share. what makes a diff is having a good support system and someone on your side to really listen. to believe you. to understand. to show you compassion.

but even if you don't have that right now, make sure to show it for yourself.

I've also found this through some books and youtube videos as well, it can be really enlightening. Pete walker's c-ptsd book is a good one.

your mind is only a prison if you let it be, please seek out help and don't stop seeking it out until you are free. you deserve the liberation and you are capable of finding happiness... even if it's not around today, even if motivation isn't there today.

replace the disparity of emotion with self care and the negativity bias by letting out the pressure build up, talking it out, blow off the steam somehow. punch a tree. scream. hit balls in the park. run.