Sociopath Community

Blanc said: 

Well I feel like going completely mental today 

'tis the season. 

I hate how crazy my mind gets sometimes like why can’t I just be normal 

instead my brain is like hey I have really bad thought patterns and they get worse and worse by the second and faster and faster until you feel like you’re drowning in it is that cool 

and I’m like yeah that’s fine but can I still be a functioning normal person like I was yesterday when I was perfectly happy and in a clear normal mental state 

my brain: nah.... honestly you’re gonna have to sleep all day because I’m gonna make sure whatever remnants of that person was there yesterday is completely erased and you’re not just gonna sleep and hopefully just continue to get more negative self loathing and destructive by the minute 

me: oh ok should I just commit suicide 

my brain: no because then you’d be dead plus u have a dog 

Oh ok so can I just go like pretend to be normal today 

my brain: honestly you’re too mentally fucked today to do that. Because of the whole hurricane of thoughts swarming around in your mind and the self loathing and stuff like you should probably just stay inside so you don’t have to deal with anything it’s not like you have the energy. Besides you’re not yourself right now so it’d be really weird to see people and they can tell you’re off and then you jsut have to lie about it and then drive home feeling depressed after you lie and say you’re just tired 

me: true I probably won’t feel depressed if I avoid going anywhere good point. And talking to people is def a bad idea especially any that would be of any help. I should just keep all of this to myself just like I always have for years because how could I trust anyone with this kind of stuff you know and they hate you anyways so it’s not like they actually want to talk to you. These are all really true facts- especially my therapist she’s the last person I should tell! 

My brain: yeah honestly let’s just dissociate and do like mind numbing escape activities to pass the time and also I’m gonna like keep flooding your head with thoughts. And to make you’re tiredness worse I’m also going to remind you that you’re ugly and fat and also there’s no point in being alive because no one will ever love you and you’ll never be successful at anything and you’re honestly just screwed in every possible way so. I mean even if you do make it to old age you’ll die anyways but you’re more likely to die along the way of some disease because your immune system is so fucked like, one small plague and you’re fucked so statistically you’ll probably die of pneumonia in your 40s anyway or some stupid painful lung infection and you’ll just lay in the ICU on a ventilator unconscious with tubes in your throat till someone decides to pull the plug. Also all the potential you have is totally wasted and the rest of your life is going to be totally meaningless and pointless and probably unenjoyable by the way have fun being alone for the next forty years never maturingpast the age of 12 because of the severe trauma you went through as a kid that fucked your life up forever. 

Me: damn I’m such a fuck up. I should just forget about feelings and just be really impulsive and reckless. 

Brain: yeah all that matters is feeling good and it’s not like you actually are worth anything or can offer anything truly to anyone else or are good enough to, so you shouldn’t bother with like helping people or trying to accomplish anything or grow your life like by talking to people or doing things you’re interested in like it’s not like people would like you anyways right who are you kidding so... yeah you’re pretty much a waste and like a mistake basically 

me: yeah I’m a painful burden to my family too and if I was never born they’d probably be a lot happier and better off without me lol :) also why am I alive 

my brain: It doesn’t matter let’s just dissociate into the void instead of working through our problems like always and continue to go no where in life. Stress doesn’t exist if we pretend it doesn’t exist in the present moment, even if that fucks us over in the future like oh well nothin you can do right because it’s not like you were capable anyways you were always destined for fiailjre u just too dumb to seee it no one would hire you and even if they did you’d still hate your life anyways :) 

me:  yeah I should just runaway from all responsibility and retract into a small ball and just lay there in my bed in the fetal position for like the next three days 

My brain: yeah it could get boring but don’t worry I will play constant memories in your head and thoughts I’ll like whisper them in your ear constantly so that way it’s not boring or relaxing or anything like that. 

Me: yeah relaxation is bad I can never do that I can only jackhammer myself constantly with thoughts and stress so that I’m constantly on edge and like really hard core white knuckling through life so I barely have time to breath or anything like that 

my hrain: but don’t worry no matter what you do I will always be there to remind you that you’re no good enough and you’re really insignificant and undesirable and also alone so. Just thought I would let you know like every few hours so you don’t forget if that’s ok 

me: yeah I’ll just like listen to music and every now and then I’ll just turn off the music and like get too depressed to listen to it and wonder if I should check myself into a mental hospital and if you could show up right around then that would be good so I really feel like I’m losing my mind and like make sure to do it consistently so I remain in a dysfunctional state thatd be great yeah thanks 

my brain: no problem anytime have a good depression nap, see you tomorrow. I’ll be worse tomorrow btw. I’ll probably stick around for like two or three weeks so just like buckle in for that and everything. It’s gonna be a really fun ride you should probably get some Xanax cuz you’ll probably have some panic attacks once things really start to get out of control and you’re losing it from me like making you lose your mind and stuff. So much fun haha but hide the razors we don’t wamna have too much fun. Night night ;) 

me: *eats Cheeto puffs staring at the wall wondering where the happy person I was yesterday went and how to get it back*

i've talked to my therapist about these issues so it is getting better believe it or not and by that i mean i'm getting a little better at understanding it, seperating it from reality like seeing how it's false and how i should respond to it, and just how i deal with it over all so don't worry i don't actually *believe* these things but this is the thought tape that my brain struggles with on a *daily* basis 

sometimes it's just a little louder than other times, sometimes it's more dense and other times its sparse or more dormant. that's just how it works but. yeah, we're working to deal with it so that's good. and all my other issues as well. 

unfortunately this is just a minor example of what i deal with in regard to anxiety and depression and what it is like, and it can get much, much worse than this. to a point that it's dificult to put into words or explain to someone. and as much as i would like to talk about it to show people what it's really like- and how it can happen to anyone, it's not a someone's fault for being that way aka they're just "emo" or whatever, I can show how it's truly just, an illness like, having the flu and, requires treatment. And it is workable and something you can improve on. 

But it does take work and patience etc. But yeah, without my medication I return back to the crisis state or my worst point with depression and anxiety, dissociation and ptsd- all at the same time- just as I was before I went on it. 

And this little minor thought process I had today, is absolutely nothing. A pebble, in the water. Compared to, what I've experienced in "crisis" as they call it. And what that's like. It's like a boulder, in comparison to a pebble. And even that is, an understatement. More like, maybe that storm on Jupiter that's perpetual. Yeah, that's more like it. 

LOL! 

People's minds get sick. Sometimes, requires professional help. I'm one of those people. That doesn't mean I am flawed or incapable, but what sucks is these things really deeply affect my life, sometimes permanently. They affect your personality, every decision you make. From what you eat, what you wear- what you say, and how you interact. What classes you'll sign up for. What opportunities you'll take in life. What kind of people you surround yourself with. The life style you lead. 

And that's why it's a sickness because it hinders all of these things and prevents you from being yourself. It forces you to make bad decisions for yourself, not out of naivity but of mental manipulation to the nth degree, it seems backwards but, it makes doing the wrong thing seem like the right thing. Like isolating. For example, is one of many, symptoms. And these all, ironically make the very disorder you have- worse. Self feeding. They call it a negative feedback loop in biology, is how I understand it. It increases itself indefinitely and worsens with time- when left untreated. 

Hence why I did inevitebly reach a crisis point. I am very lucky that mental health is a profession that is taken seriously here in the US and I was able to get some treatment, even if it wasn't exactly perfect at first, I've been able to navigate my way through the mental health realm to finding the right kind of treatment for myself and, have slowly gotten (miraculously) better with time. Perfect? Certainly not, I'm still me. I still have these disorders. Sometimes I like to forget but, that doesn't just make it go away completely. 

But it gets less. It gets less hard and, things become simpler and easier to deal with. They fade. From the point I was at, I genuinely didn't believe that were possible for me. I really thought I was stuck like that in that crisis point and once you break there's no healing from that, you're broken, there's no cure, there's no stopping it, there's no going back. And I had been "sick" mentally for so long, I didn't even know what I missing out on, in life because my experience of it was so vastly different from how someone who isn't sick, experiences the world. I.e they feel enjoyment, derive joy from success and accomplishment, feel capable, confident. The feeling of joy, as as sad as this sounds, was something I hadn't experienced in so long- I genuinely didn't know what it was or what it felt like- or even that it was missing. I didn't know, that people were supposed to feel joy, when they look up at the sky and see it's a beautiful day, and you take a deep breath, and breath in the fresh air, and see the fall leaves everywhere. I didn't know, excitement for the holidays. I didn't know, how to get excited about anything. My affect was so flat all the time, I just didn't know what I was even missing- I just didn't understand why other people were that way and I couldn't be. 

So I turned to smoking weed as a kid because I wanted to happy and joyful like the other kids were. To experience the high of life they got naturally from hanging out with friends, I had to be high to enjoy, anything. To just, feel normal, at school. Etc. Otherwise I was too tense and, my mood was just so low and droopy all the time. Of course you're going to want something to relieve the weight of that. 

It got to a point, where I felt so depressed, I felt like I was suffocating sometimes. I know it sounds dramatic but I really felt that, low. 

Sleeping for three months, became normal to me. Isolating, was just normal life to me. I didn't know any different because things started so young. I understand now why people reach out and make connections, and why they receive joy from that. But when I was young, I really couldn't find feeling in those attachments, I was so detached and, felt not the same as anyone because of it. I was so dreary, and far away. But I didn't realize the contrast. If that makes any sense. I didn't know what the problem was I hadn't pin pointed that it was depression that was making my experiences so different from what others were experiencing. A normal day at school became hard for me. I couldn't focus, I didn't have the energy to get through the day the mental energy to do any work, it just felt so hard to just, pick up a pencil and work. It wasn't laziness I just, couldn't fathom working some days because of how bad I woke up feeling. As if I hadn't slept in weeks. The pressure became so immense, in my life it felt like a fire hydrant had busted and was just, overflowing into the street and drowning me from the inside out and I felt as if I was walking around with anchors tied to me. My thoughts raced as I walk through the hallways, anxiety. And when I went home, I just unraveled from the stress of getting so spun up from the anxiety, and so exhausted by it. And was greeted at the door with, an evil menacing depression, a shadow that followed me and, plagued my thoughts like a demon. But I wasn't able to seperate this shadow demon of depression's thoughts, from my own thoughts and I believed them all the same, and treated them as if they were all true, and mine alone. Internal negating and arguing, self loathing, the list goes on and on. It pushed me to dream of things like suicide, and I would get so overwhelmed sometimes I wanted to take a knife to my wrists. But I just didn't want anyone to see, so instead I would nervously play guitar for hours, and hours, sitting on the end of my bed pretending I wasn't there. Sometimes I imagined myself dissapearing into the walls, hiding inside of them as if I were a hiding dead body. And I wondered if I could hide there forever. I later learned this is actually a form of dissocation and, is more common than you think. LIke people have dreams about their teeth falling out commonly, people sometimes maladaptively dream about hiding in the walls of their home- when they're in distress. 

And what happened after that point. Like being 15 and all... I don't want to talk about really because it stresses me out hahah but maybe another time. 

I just started venting and writing I don't know. 

But yeah uh, today my depression cropped up a bit I don't know why, I think money was a trigger because I had an issue with my bank account long story short. 

And so yeah that's something I'm going to talk about with my therapist as well, about how much that affected me and how I can learn to get stronger than that because, even though I consciously knew getting depressed over something like that was stupid and I'll be fine in two weeks when they mail me another card it's literally not a real problem- my brain *emotionally* responded without my permission in the background and cropped all sorts of negative shit for me that just got louder and loduer and loduer and i'm like *ignoring itttt haahha*.... *gets louder* .... *IGNORING IT STILL HAHAHH:))) * ... *GETSSSS LOUUUUUDDERR* .... *ookkkaaAYYYY I'MMMM STILLLLL IGGNORRRRRNIGGGGG ITTTT ITTTTTSSSS FIIIINEEEEEEE* ...... *ears start bleeding* .... me: *sSCREAMING* UHHH OHHHHHHHHH WHATTTSS HAAAPPEEENINININININGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

lol 

and at that point I just got so overwhelmed with everything as I explained in the last post sort of a *chunk* of the dialogue (not all of it in full detail believe it or not lol theres more isn't that great) I literally just went to sleep. LOL 

and I honsetly, feel better after getting a little bit of rest I think I needed it. Even though I got the normal 8-9 hours the night before, woke up at a normal time. Uninterrupted, no nightmares nothing. My brain just got, overwhelmed like a fan over heating you know and, I needed to alot myself that rest. You have to attend to your need with-

mental illness but a part of learning through all of this is like, it's a learning curve like, learning when to recognize you're even have a need if you're really used to ignoring or negating them from bad though patterns. 

I've talked about this with my thearpist as well how like, I have bad patterns of like denying myself rest and relaxation because I don't think I've *earned it* and I have to keep *going going going* nose to the grind stone sort of mentality. 

Modeling the, stuff that my parents engrained in me with their specific, behaviors words and actions etc. 

She said that has very much influenced me and so now it's just a process of undoing that. 

So that's what I was going to talk to her about also next week was....  okay yes, we recognized I have bad thought patterns from my past but- how do I *deal* with them, without going to sleep. LOL 

Because that's really not gonna work for, a functioning adult life. 

And speaking of that, it's really stressful dealing with all of this ontop of being expected to live a normal functional adult life, like as much as I want to, you can start to see how it might be difficult not to fall behind in school or- your energy level might not be where it needs to be all the time to be a go getter and to be the best, employee you want to be.... etc. It's a hindrance for my life. 

This whole day essentially, was taken up with it. 

Despite having completely different plans for myself today, made by myself *yesterday* when I was feeling fine. 

This shit just comes out of no where, unexpectedly- and I can quickly start to losing myself in it completely abd become something other than my normal self aka, my sick version of myself, so quickly. and It happens so tricky-ly that... i don't even realize i *have* lost myself and, how far *away* i am from baseline and like normal healthy me- i forget that it was there, what it was like, that it's gone. etc. 

my therapist calls this the "tunnel" in depression. tunnel vision. very common. 

and you also, forget, having ever been happy when it gets really severe. or it may become difficult to experience happiness when ur deep in this tunnel. 

and sometimes i'm like half in half out so i can sort of remember who i was when i was normal and i also recognize i'm just not that at that moment, and it gets frustrating because i'm questioning, is that the real me, or is this depressed version the real me? because the "shadow demons whisperings" to you are so fucking manipulative and conning they genuinely make you believe THIS is the real YOU THIS IS WHO YOU REALLY ARE DONT BELIEVE THAT OTHER THING YOU REALLY THOUGHT YOU WERE THAT PERSON HAH YOU WERE JUST FOOLING YOURSELF 

when really YOU are BEING foOOLED BY your OWN DEPRESSION SHADOW DEMON!! AND its REALLY hard to tell that though because its just so perfectly disguised and discreet like it's inconspicuous and you're fed it in just the perfect way where it almost feels impossible to deny.

so crazy right? 

yeah, and exhausting. hah. 

and then on the outside i look fine so, people expect me to be fine and, put me up to pressures at the same standard as a perfectly health individual 

i'm feeling ok right now so that's good, much closer back to baseline than before. I hadn't gotten that far from it earlier like I said it was just a pebble in comparison to the size of the perpetual storm on jupiter. 

So, i'm ok ladies and gents don't worry. not in a bad place mentally or anything now. just needed to rest and give myself some time to fuckin chill! 

and back to my regular scheduled programming, i feel fine now and happy n stuff now again so that's good. for a minute there i was started to feel distant from the things i enjoy and i know thats always a bad sign that i'm becoming "not myself" all the sudden so i didn't know what to do but to just go to sleep lol. 

sometimes it's that simple with depression and a nap is all you needed to get through. and the notion i can bring all of this to my therapist and we can work to improve on it, and she has been helping me improve already so i know it will work also is helping so i'm not feeling lost at sea and stranded like HELP WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS. 

I can just bring it to my magic genie therapist and she's like, "oh, just do this" and i'm like.... oh. ok. lol *9 year long issue is resolved with one simple epiphany* 

sometimes it's really like that. it's kind of like untangling a necklace is how one therapist explained to me, i can go in depth with that analogy as she did... as far as how the treatment process works with depression and anxiety and ptsd. and then, with EMDR specifically for the ptsd and anxiety panic attacks, that therapist described that treatment process as taking a jar of sand and shells and all kinds of different minerals and grains and what not,mixing with water, and just shaking it all up and then leting it all resettle into a more organized place. So the treatment at first is, shaking up the jar. and then, the settling is when you start to notice the results and the changes emotionally and symptoms that were once severe are way more manageable or like, a 0.3 on a pain scale compared to like the 12/10 it was before. If that makes any sense. 

Like my therapist said, a trigger no longer becomes a panic attack with EMDR treatment it is just a pinch on the arm and you can brush it off and keep going with your life instead of becoming debilitated bending over and vomiting or wanting to kill yourself from getting stuck in a three day long vortex of high volumes of mental illness just swallowing you whole. 

so yeah :) 

that's that. those are my lil notes on today, another day in the life of mental illness woo hoo... working to get better. yeet. *dabs* 

i can feel more optimistic just knowing i'm in treatment, does good for my psychology. and knowing i have a place to unload it all and truly sort through it and find genine solutions that will put these issues to rest for me. instead of them constantly reoccuring or my life becoming more and more unmanagable, overwhelming, and succumbing to it bowing under the weight of it. 

that alone helps a lot, among alot of other factors. like the whole notion, my therapist told me "to leave your shit here at the door when you leave." and that compartmentalization has taken a huge weight off my shoulders so i can feel lighter during my week and just be me and be like la la la la la enjoying my life. 

and then i can put all the heavy stuff in that space and deal with at a scheduled time, with a professional to guide me through it smoothly everytime so its not scary (at first it hought it would be but, she helepd me see that she can get me through the hard stuff with her methods of calming and stuff as we go through it, she's a pro at it obviously she's specialized in trauma so yeah... very good that i can feel comfortable talking about the stuff that i was once too anxious to talk about or felt was too painful to talk about and couldn't say it out loud for that reason becaus ei didn't feel strong enough to confront it and then like, deal with it once it was said out loud emotionally like it was too hard to handle and really bad and stuff so yeah!!!!! she helps me a lotttt) 

ok thats all bye bye

^the gifs are from the movie Demolition by the way. Great to watch if you've recently been through any grief or loss, trauma, you may find it very relatable. 

the main character is essentially the embodiment and outward expression of the internal emotions that the average person may experience or go through, the internal mental changes, shifts, breaking down etc that people feel after they experience something cataclismic in their life.