I just have issues I don’t expect you to get it but it’s hard to deal with and
we all have hard stuff to deal with I know
I’m just sad
like... I’m heartbroken
I’m trying to move past it all but
what do you do with the buckets of emotional weight that pours over into your life so heavily
and the weight is so heavy you get tired of carrying it around
so you stop going anywhere
my ex gf wants me to hang out and... I’m debating bailing on her because I’m so heart broken about the last girlfriends I just can’t look this girl in the eye without remembering my ex’s eyes and comparing them to hers
I can’t get over her dude it’s so fucking pathetic I’m just hurt by everything that happened and I’m sad and
I can’t tell my ex gf that so who can I tell honestly
who cares, who understands. No one. My parents are homophobic. My best friend’s gone. The rest of my friends are in other states and moved on in life.
Im such a depressed person I cant imagine them genuinely wanting to hang out with me anyways. I’m a downer.
Who can I talk to... really. My therapist just wants to talk about my trauma and shit. I haven’t even had a chance to tell her yet about much of my sadness of failed relationships and lose ends that never really found any closure with
or the sadness I live with remembering the devastation of losing the love of your life to a simple mistake... the grief of that was really hard to bare because you know it’s your own fault. It’s not repairable like she’s not coming back she doesn’t want to dude. She forgot about me.
I know now I should move on but how can I do that when I’m not in love with any girl like I was in love with this girl, you lose your taste for dating and every message from another girl is just another girl another text message to ignroee because none of it means anything
and the life situation I’m in right now is unstable like I’m trying to make it work but I’m just so tired
I just wanna give up all the time cuz I don’t know what I do it for
really. What the fuck am I still here for. Why do I care. What am I doing this for.
Why should i like myself. Why should I like or enjoy any of the shit I’m supposed to enjoy. Why should I pretend to be ok with everything the way it is when it’s not ok. But they call me fuckin crazy for thinking that way....
i know im crazy.... I just want someone who understands.
I used to think one day I’d wake up normal like everyone else. That never happened.
I used to to think one day I would wake up and I’d be ok with everything the way it was. I used to think one day I could make a difference and if I could do just that I’d be happy.
But it then I realized happiness doesn’t work that way and I fell apart at the seems trying to push myself to be Everyone’s hero instead of my own
I get so down on myself and I know I shouldn’t be that way but that’s just the way it is. I don’t like myself I’ll admit it. I don’t fucking like my own self, I have a really hard time with that.
I have a hard time feeling like anything matters.
And I can’t tekk anyone cuz they don’t understand and they’ll just judge you for it.
So so I just keep it to myself and sometimes I feel like I’m going insane from all the secrets I keep to myself and I just wanna act out and go *insane*
because nothing matters right...
but yeah. For the most part the meds help me be more normal but I think I’m lying to myself and pretending to be more ok than I am.
Just cuz the meds make you feel fine doesn’t mean that you are no longer broken or mentlaly I’ll and there are things you still have to fix and bitch I don’t fuckin know how
and I’m tired of trying to fucking fix myself I feel like bitch it’s too late
sometimes I’m just like bitch just give up already damn
I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t even feel like I exist I’m just so insignificant floating around place to place barely touching anything like a ghost
I don’t know how to be a part of it all anymore... I know I’m supposed to but, I just don’t connect
I know they say it’s a symptom of trauma, the detachment but, I feel like I’ve always sort of been this way and it just got worse with age. I don’t connect with other human beings in the way they want me to. I don’t do it normal. I didnt even know how, to be honest. But I’m learning.
I used to be so fucked up I couldn’t form the sentences to speak so I just never said a word. Something about opening my mouth was just so overwhelmingly difficult that even when I was prompted to speak I couldn’t.
I’ve had to move past that but even now irl I don’t want to talk much. I feel like what I have to say people don’t get it and
its not the right thing
to say... it’s too this or too that. It’s just not good enough. And so I rather sit on the couch and watch movies cuz I don’t know what to say and sometimes I don’t want to say anything. I want to talk but very few can do it with me
that’s why I loved that freakin girl but
yeah... she listened. She doesn’t like me but. She listened cuz, she liked that I loved her I guess.
It was healing and uplofting for her but I don’t know I broke the love she had for me by fucking it all up somehow idk and then she changed and I lost her completely and she was just gone and she’s still gone
and I’ll never get it back but
I haven’t found a single person in the world I can have a conversation with like I could with her and... so yeah.
Thats all i really want I guess but yeah without it now everything just feels fuckin empty but I’m trying
it’s just so incredibly sad if you think about it too much so I try not to.
Hou knkw stay distszfrd but at the at the end of the day this stupid shit I do to stay distracted and the people I waste my time with are just temporary and the things I pursue is jsut some shit to pay the bills and I don’t care about much anymore
all my passion and lifelines has just been sucked out of me with a straw I feel dead and I just don’t wanna do anything
I just wanna fuckin die dude
(Once again just venting)
