Sociopath Community

Blanc said: 

I’m too tired rn to type properly sorry but I have to write what I can so i don’t forget quickly before I fall asleep 

 

and also uh I’m exhausted 

 kk lol

Shit. I typed an entire journal entry on the therapy visit I had today. To update. 

And then I forgot to hit “post” and fell asleep 

It turns out, SC likes to refresh itself and erase anything you had typed over a certain period of time. What a fun feature that is. 

THANK GOD FOR THAT

I’m having a hard time talking about a recap on todays therapy visit. 

We went over some very heavy trauma, i went over three or four specific events with Leo. 

Because, we did some EMDR the week before and it brought up, new memories to go over. As they come up, we go over them. 

Last week was about my issue with panic attacks pertaining to specific triggers which I listed with her. 

We talked about the events linked to these triggers. One of which was about Leo. Which led me to uncovering a lot more about things that happened that I sort of forgot. 

We discussed: 

-the time he choked me in Italy in the bathroom 

-the time he slammed my head into a window leaving... some rural unknown place in Italy 

-the time he tried to kill me in Puebla 

i was pretty heavily dissociated from the events as i recounted them for my therapist and she said that i switched into a robotic tone and also seemed as if i was no longer in the room. So we repeatedly did exercises tryign to get me back to present. Back to feeling. She tried to help me attach to the feelings i may of experienced at that time, and process them. She really, really tried. 

But it wasn’t that successful. I explained to her i have been detached from this memory for so long that it does not feel as if it happened to me, and the person who it happened to, and the me now- are not the same people. That’s how it feels. 

And that i have been in such an autonomous habit of subconsciously suppressing the memory, and any feeling associated with it- that even when i’m Confronted with direct reminders of it and i experience sensations as a result (i.e triggers, panic attacks, dissociation) i dont even consciously recognize what they are linked to. 

It’s very recent for me that i’m Even remembering these things happening. 

So attaching for me, to the emotions, and empathizing with the “me” that it happened to- as she tried to force me to do. IT just wasn’t happening. It’s like trying to drive a car but the steering wheel and gear shift and the pedals are missing. I want to feel, I want to operate the vehicle. I want to attach to that person. But i cannot. I physically, couldn’t. 

There was one second, of brief emotion here and there. And she started ranting about emotionally heavy topics, tryign to wear away at me at the severity and making me realize how terrible i must of felt in those situations. But I couldn’t let myself be totally vulnerable and cry. 

Though I did cry at one point, it was only at the very beginning after I told her I remembered some new stuff this week to go over, and when she asked me what they were- there was emotion when I told her, “remember that time I explained to you he tried to kill me, well. I remembered, he tried to kill me more times than just that.” 

And she paused for a moment and was writing something but I think she was honestly just giving me a moment to cry to see if I would. I sort of did for a second and then collected myself rather quickly. 

And that’s the most I’ve cried about that in years. Years. So, that was progress I suppose? It felt good to get it out I mean, I think there is a lot more to get out. 

Also, when I knew I was going to mention the things I remembered, there was a lot of anxiety and apprehension and I told her, I think I might have a panic attack if I talk about these things. I don’t know if I can. Maybe it’s just harder than I’m making it in my head. But I was feeling quite physically anxious in my chest. Like I was about to have a panic attack. 

She gave me the option to not talk about it and I *almost* backed out. 

But yeah, I decided to try and get through it because screw it, what’s another panic attack. I’ve had many, I could have another. 

And we did grounding exercises a long the way to help with the physical sensations the dissociation and the anxiety, she could sense when I was getting, off track. LIke she said, my voice would start going monotone and I would seem as if I wasn’t really “there” when I was talking. And she would stop me and “re-align” me with my body and bring me back to the space we were in and do grounding. I often would get pulled into the time and place that I was talking about, and get lost in it a bit so. That was helpful to have someone else, witnessing, pull you out. 

If I was on my own, not getting pulled out by anyone, and forced to ground and become present again and do anxiety exercises, I don’t know how well that would of gone. 

But it makes me more confident to continue talking about trauma’s and less apprehensive about the idea of it, seeing how she can help navigate me through it without shit hitting the fan every fucking time. 

But yeah uh, I was still feeling quite dissociated even after going over everything and, I’m feeling it right now as I’m writing this but. 

Basically... she asked me what I could do that would help me feel it more. That “little girl” as she kept describing it. And I said when we do the EMDR and really get into the gritty details of it will likely be very emotional. As the last time I did EMDR with a different specialist it was. Liberating but very very emotional. A lot of feeling comes up about everything. 

And yeah I was just really exhausted after going over all that stuff, so I went home and took a nap. I was also feeling depressed and I could feel my identity wanting to split like, coconscious with a few different perspectives. 

I felt like I didn’t know how to process or like “put it down” once I walked out of there so I was very “funny acting” like, just “not there” seeming and like tripping over things and I dunno. It’s hard to explain but you’re just out of it after having your head sorted through. And very very drained. Kind of sad I guess too idk. 

And my brain wanted to run from that, out of fear I suppose? So other perspectives were trying to like take over but... I didn’t let that happen or give into that. And instead just fell asleep. 

I feel really ill from talking about all of this now, sometimes I feel that way from talking about trauma so. I really need to stop now but I just had to get through this so I could write it down, log it, for the memory file. 

In case I forget. Which, I likely will! 

Oh, yeah and also I turned in my dissociation packet or whatever she had me do. A quiz. Assessment thing. 

I wanted to go over that with her at great length explaining my answers and talking about some experiences I’ve had with dissociation but we haven’t gotten a chance to. There is some nuances to it as well like. 

Under stress, or at school, or... without my meds. The test scores of this quiz would be significantly significantly different. The test is based on “how much of the time” these dissociative experiences and symptoms occur but, really it’s not about how much it occurs, it’s about if it occurs. 

If there is a trigger, I dissociate. That’s what it comes down to. So I don’t understand it being measured by how often it happens, as that isn’t a constant. It’s just, random. ? 

But yeah regardless I wanted to talk about the questions and experiences I’ve had with all of them specifically. 

The first one I wanted to talk about was something my mom actually reminded me of, I forgot it happened (once again) but thankfully she reminded me (once again). I wanted to tell her of that time I full blown dissociated in class, at school. And started, doing really odd things out of character for myself. 

I want to tell her about the time I lost control and tried kill myself, that day I wound up in the mental hospital. 

I want to tell her about, the dissociation that I experienced on the way to a vacation home. Where I was speaking, in a different. Accent. 

These were very significant events with dissociation not just minor symptoms. But more like, full breaks. 

Anyway, my mom is concerned about the accent thing. She’s noticed a few that I will circulate between and they are triggered by specific types of stressors I believe... I don’t understand where they came from or why it happens. But after it does, I will dissociate and “drop” like I showed in the videos I posted. There also may be a panic attack before I drop, I may even vomit. 

So that’s how I know they’re significant, is when I experience all of this, very WILD and blatant like “breaking” where I cannot function, I just drop everything and literally knock out and lose consciousness and then come back, completely different. 

Oh yeah and I wanted to tell her about the run ins with Maggie. Other people have told me about Maggie but I have very little knowledge about it. 

Anyways. Uhm... hm. Yeah. The only dissociative episode I’ve told my therapist about so far was the time I was journaling about a time I was raped, well at least trying to. And... uh. Sorry dissociating already. Um.. hm. Oh yeah. I completely blanked out several hours of time passed by but I had no knowledge of that passage of time. It was like a blink of an eye and usdddenly hours went by and then when I came back to, I hadn’t written anything in the journal (thought I thought I had written pages) and I was just staring out a fucking window. 

And during this time I had a full conversation with my mom which I have no recollection of! So that’s great. Which my mom told me about. And afterwards I immediately had to go to sleep. 

Which is the usual thing. If I get spacey and dissociated, or have full breaks, it’s very tiring mentally and I have to go to sleep afterward usually. 

So those are some things to talk about for next time. 

I think uh... she also tried to connect my relationship with Leo to trauma and needs I was having met, cycles of abuse I was continuing from my childhood etc. But I didn’t like, dive into it even though she sort of left that door open for me to talk more about it. 

She’s not forceful about it so I just didn’t get into it because it would be too much to get into childhood trauma ontop of talking about Leo trauma. This stuff is less significant, so it’s easier to start off with the lighter stuff and get into the real real bad stuff later as a result and relate it all together or whatever. 

It will help my identity to feel more whole after I’ve gone over all of it so it’s my goal to divulge all of it at some point but, today wasn’t the day. There are a *lot* of breaks in my childhood memory and everything is very compartmentalized and separated, and across time I feel like, many different people I’ve existed as. If that makes sense. And none of them are the same person. 

Like the person Leo hurt, and the person that my dad beat, and the person who went to school, and the person who is me now. And the child that grew up and went to this other school. Like, everything is extremely separated. In my mind but, I’m just now able to look at it from an aerial perspective and see that. If that makes sense. 

It’s sliced up like a cake but, way more intricately than that. It’s classic compartmentalization.

ok time for relax and sleep time and take meds night night lol

When I was referring to "the drop" in my posts, and I said I had mentioned it earlier in this thread. I was wrong. 

I had mentioned it earlier, in *this* thread: 

https://sociopathcommunity.com/Forum/Topic/829/3/what-dissociation-feel-like-#post6638 

I just had lumped these two threads together in my mind lol but yeah. This is the thread where I show you what I mean by "the drop" and this experience in and of itself, would be a lot to explain as far as what it's fully like but. At least you can get a general idea here, until I explain it further one day... if I ever do. 

It's my intention to talk more about the dissociation, as much as possible. And detail things at length. Kind of like the youtubers who own dissociative channels (mental health channels pertaining to DID and OSDD-1b, C-PTSD, etc.) 

Because I think it would be good to map out everything I've experienced that I can remember in regards to dissociation as a way to better understand it all, as I am doing with addressing triggers, flash backs, panic attacks associated to traumatic memories with my therapist, using mostly EMDR. 

Addressing the dissociative triggers is just as important as the anxiety triggers, and these do occur seperately, or sometimes together. But they're both linked to trauma, which needs to be brought to the light and dealt with in EMDR so. I think detailing out my dissociation will help me to, relate back to whatever trauma it is that it's linked to... and sort of fish it out of the repression state. Wherever the fuck it is buried in my mind. hah. 

So that maybe I can stop doing this shit. Stop the panic attacks, stop the dissociation etc. 

Obviously there are varying degrees of anxiety and dissociation one can experience, and I can't go over every detailed time I've had tinges of it or like more mild symptoms of it because this shit happens all the time. But I can go over the larger events that were most memorable and, in my opinion the more severe examples of dissociation that I've experienced. 

I'm going to start logging my BPD symptoms in this thread

last night i woke up in the middle of the night shaking head to toe and having a panic attack 

and i remembered my therapist telling me, that uh... this would probably happen this week and, she instructed me what to do if it happens and we practiced it a few times. 

and so i just used that method and tried really hard to stay focused on it. and then after a few minutes of working on that, i went and turned on the bath tub and put my face first into cold water 

it helped me to stop shaking. shock the system. brings you to the present really well. 

what goes on mentally during this is really confusing and hard to explain. if your mind was an office, it'd be l\something like this @2:16

what triggered the panic attack was dissociation, internal arguing and... i felt like too much information was all at the front of my mind that normally isn't. 

this is common to take place while going through the process of EMDR. Everything that had settled into the cracks and crevices, deep in there. Have now been jossled and jumbled and shaken like a jar full of sand and shells in water. 

Soon enough the dust settles again, but this time it's put back decisively and dealt with properly with a professional. Brought to light like a resected tumor. 

But it was too much, initially so for me I decided it was "lights out" and I... can't remember what I did to manage to fall asleep but. Sometimes when the thoughts are too much like this, I uh. will watch something or, meditate. It's a way of stepping out of the chaos. 

But falling asleep was a temporary solution, I woke up as if the panic that started in my mind that I thought I stepped away from, just continued worsening and spiraling while I slept. So when I woke up it was a full blown hurricane you know and I was like ah shit. I left this shit unattended. Like a fire on the stove or a pot that boiled over you forgot about. 

So I was like ah shit here we go again (i'm used to all my symptoms) and knew what to do deal with it but, it was unexpected and jarring. I also had an immense head ache, that I had earlier before going to bed but, was easy enough to ignore it. But, when I woke up it was far far worse. 

All of that going on, on top of your entire body physically shaking all the way to your finger tips. And then the physiological and mental symptoms of what a panic attack is. It's, a lot. hah. 

But yeah, nontheless I handled it. 

I want to get into what was happening that triggered it as I think, I want to make note of it to tell my therapist about and though I vaguely made note of it here in this post... it's hard to remember exactly what was going on. I Just remember a general idea that, I was like, dissociating before I went to sleep. 

It was actually triggered by something, I remember now. I made a post on here, in the forum members represented in GIFs thread and then after 

if there are panic attacks does that mean there are relaxation defenses???