we're starting to understand why uh.... i have such negative reactions to feelings of being lost, or in unfamiliar places, particularly places in the "middle of no where" or being surrounded by trees. lol
or being on a bus and not knowing where i'm going exactly
Last night I started feeling like I was “losing control” a bit again, just a slight tings along with anxiety
I figured it was an aftershock effect of everything my head has been subconsciously processing over the last two weeks since started therapy and EMDR and my therapist prepared me for this flare up of overwhelm, anxiety, dissociation or otherwise heightened emotional states as apparently that’s common when sorting through this kind of shit.
And so I rationalized it that way after being confused for a minute about why it was happening and what triggered it, when I wasn’t doing anything but watching YouTube videos about makeup. Perhaps it had to do with what was on my mind though running in the background.
And then hen I remembered what my therapist told me and what to do in case, so I went through that and it helped but I had to do it several times.
And today I woke up agitated because my parents were talking negatively about me in the other room. They didn’t realize I was awake and heard every word. And then just living in the consequences of their control, the words “living on a leash” run through my mind a bit while I’m inconvenienced by the life I’m forced to live when living within their bounds of control. Something we discussed with my therapist. And a cause of my depression I believe. A trigger for me I guess.
But it then I reminded myself of my own personal responsibility in the matter rather than remaining too disgruntled about the situation and our dynamic/relationship even though it’s not the *best*
and tried to to remain positive and focused on forward moving progressive matters.
But it somehow I felt myself suddenly lose interest in them again and this leaves me with confusion, and it’s like I suddenly forget who I am faster than I can even realize it’s happened.
So im making this post to remind myself to talk to my therapist about this and this sudden loss of identity than sort of plagued me. It comes and goes as it pleases. As soon as I think I have a better grip, I know it will likely only last a week or two at most- but I hope for the best that it will stick. But it barely can.
Im trying to strengthen it and the healthy mentality to allow it to remain in tact but I think... I think when I feel unsafe or depressed in some way it triggers me to sort of go into a different mode than the way I am when I feel safe and free?
And i I drew connections in my subconsciois thoughts earlier as I was driving around, you know how your mind thinks without you and processes past moments like briefly flashing them through your head. I drew connections to that sort of “switching off” to something my therapist talked about which was that she brought it to my attention that, because of my upbringing I developed a habit of stuffing everything down and being “ok” or maybe entirely different while af school or in any functional parts of life and that was my way of moving forward and dealing with things without having them leak into my life and prohibit myself from functioning.
And so that same habit of switching on and off when I go home and to school (which I knew I did consciously growing up, even as a kid I sensed the strange divide between reality and school) and like that habit is still ingrained in me now...
and explains the switching around I feel in my internal sense of identity- (which is is reactive to circumstance and highly sensitive and very easily triggered).
Which makes sense because with cptsd identity is a core part of one of things affected by traumatic up bringing or trauma in general. Like a pillar of the effects of trauma is identity. So this is how it has affected me perhaps?
Im just theorizing could be more to discover, could be totally wrong, who fucking knows. Stab in the dark practically. But a professional can help perhaps. Understand this.
The breaks in my identity exist from trauma. Which is like no duh but, hey maybe that’s one step closer to fucking knowing what to fucking do about it or whatever. Even just consciously understanding that and the mechanical way of how that works, neuropsychologically speaking can be really helpful.
The analogu there is that I’m comparing identity to a machine or mechanism. So you have to understand the ins and outs and how it’s built and how it runs. And my gears have a skip in the chain. Sometimes they can get jammed or off kilter because of it. (Dissociation)
so understanding where those flaws are in the machine and what’s causing them, you can straighten out the kink in the chain with EMDR and other types of therapy, or like fix the gears and shit. And then you have a machine that runs smoothly without jamming?
I dont know this mind sound completely insane but just, proposing thought with absolutely no research or much psychological research behind it XD could be incredibly naive but hey at least I’m starting to think about shit in a way I can grasp.
It it helps me remain optimistic that everything is treatable. Even if it isn’t if you can remain optimistic that can’t hurt. Remaining negative though def won’t do anything. You wanna see hange you gotta change shit up. Change how you do shit change perspective mentalities try not lines of thought entertain new ideas gather new information, expose yourself to more things to elicit creative thought. Etc.
It’s all part of hacking your own brain. Which sounds like bull shit and honestly no one does it until you have to. For me I had to. I was put in a position where I was so miserably mentally ill there was really no way out of it other than doing the work of changing your mind significantly. So I have seen how it does work quite well and I hope to continue using that method to, continue to change as I need to...
It’s simple human nature, adapting and overcoming.
My mom and I fought yesterday.
This is what happens, my dad goes out of town. And then it's just me and my mom, and we fight. Every single time. It's a pattern that I know so well, I am consciously aware it's likely going to happen every time my dad goes away. Lol.
My dad packs his bags and I think, great. Now my mom can have me all to herself to rip into me, with no one watching.
It's like a mask sort of comes off, when he's not around. And she changes.
This morning a repressed memory came up, of my mom telling me awful things when she first put me in my "cell"... she locked me away for a month or two in my room and locked the door. I was brought out to do chores and if I wasn't *readily* compliant I'd be beaten. There wasn't much I could do at this time to make myself likable, if you know what I mean. I was treated with disgust, shame, disdain, it was... really awful what they did and said, and the way in which it was all carried out. It wasn't, humane. I remember feeling like an animal at the zoo. Or a prisoner, because I kept tally's on the wall. Eventually I lost track of whether it was day or night or how much time had passed- I couldn't tell. And, gave up keeping count. After about 10 or 15 "guestimated" marks on the wall.
I slept a lot. They took away everything but a mattress and left me with nothing but the clothes on my back, and told me to deficate in the corner. Which I didn't, to my knowledge. I didn't eat much at all, in fact I don't remember eating anything during this time.
Anyway, all in all, it was roughly two months that I was kept like that, I came to realize after the fact- when I "escaped"
I wasn't mercilessly let go, it was their intentions to keep me there for at least- 1 year. Once they made this clear to me, I just sort of snapped and went full tilt psycho and did whatever it took to get out. Because I just couldn't take it anymore. I was even fully prepared to kill my own parents- and I threatened them in part of my escape very sincerely. It was all I had that would work, as a tool.
The escape in itself was also traumatic, and maybe I'll talk about that later. As well as go into the details of the argument we had yesterday that brought up this repressed memory. (Which my therapist said in the process of doing EMDR it's very common that other memories will start releasing themselves as a result of discovering 1 or 2).
The reason I'm mentioning this is beause 1, so I don't forget it again (which, I will.) and 2, because, this morning, the reason I was thinking about all of this is because, I was trying to wrap my head around the "multi-self" person that my mom is- the many faces I've seen her wear, it's very confusing to me who she really even is. And- it's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact, that- that person who- treated me so badly and told me with hatred, pointing her finger at me like an animal on the floor- telling me to piss and shit in a corner, saying "you'll have nothing but the clothes on your back"- how is that the same person, who walks around and smiles, in public and- makes people like her- and see her as so, charismatic.
It's really perplexing, the stark night and day I've experienced with her. I've had to learn to predict them like an animal sensing that somethings off you know. And I think it's what's made me so attune to the fine details that float through the air and make you sense things are going to happen that other people maybe can't pick up on as readily. I've been naturally trained to be sensitive. To hear the footsteps coming. Metaphorically. But still, sometimes moods happen that I can't predict. She'll come home out of the blue, drunk and just swinging. Wanting to hurt us and telling us we're ass holes and things of that nature. Pointing her finger in our faces. Just out of the blue.
I mean it makes sense in her mind. And I've learned to understand that as well, where it all comes from and the inner workings. But for a long time, like if I'd been out of the house all day at school, I was coming home not knowing what to expect. So naturally I just started avoiding going home all together, ya know?
Ugh, mom just got mad at me because she wanted my fucking PIN number and I just kind of said
“I’m tired of this shit”
and shes like you cant disrespect me like that and I said well you can’t disrespect the fact I’m legally an adult and you can legally cross these boundaries like this
Maybe start having respect for me and my boundaries and I will show you some respect but I wasn’t meaning to say anything personal against you I’m just tired
Im just so tired of this
I can’t do it anymore
my exact words.
And rhen j said legally there are consequences for invading my privacy like this I’m an adult you can’t go in my home you can’t read my emails or go through my mail and you can’t have my PIN number that’s perfectly acceptsble
and she got LIVID after that even tho I wasn’t explaining it rudely though I do have to be direct-
and she started runnkng around around the house and slamming doors alllllll the doors alll the cabinets and making a frenzied fuss screaming at the dogs and then she left and drove off angrily and hit things with her Mercedes
the reason she wanted my pin was to go into my computer because the WiFi wasn’t working (which was bull shit it was working fine) I knew she was lying just to get my fucking information (yes she is that sneaky.)
and so so I said “you won’t be able to get into my computer it has facial recognition” and she said “well just give me the pin”
implying she already kneeboarding you could use a pin as a backup and she’s likely already been trying to get into it for weeks
and she wanted me to sit there and type it in front of her and instead I just pressed a button and it did facial recognition and I loaded the WiFi and said “everything’s fine” and she got mad after that point and all huff and puff like
trying to manipulate me as usual (she plays this two faced act where she pretends to be innocent and caring and empathizing of me) like “I won’t go into your computer I just don’t see why you couldn’t give me the pin”
clearlt this wasnt abojt wifi it’s about the pin because when she has problems with the WiFi she knows how to fix it and she goes to the router not my computer ??
and I’m like “can we not do this shit right now I’m tired of this shit “
and that’s when she was like you can’t disrespscf me and I told her legally you don’t have a right to my shit dude
And then she stormed out of the house like an angry teenager
Because she doesn’t not like having control
and she’s realizing legally if she does anything to try and get that I’m going to make sure she experiences consequences and I’m old enough to fight back and she knows I will kill her in her sleep if she touches me
ive made this clear to them and I joke about it often. But with a dead serious face. My dad disrespects me and I just dead pan say, “I’m going to poison your coffee.”
they think I’m joking. I’ve wanted to kill them since I was10 but the truth is I couldn’t live with that and don’t genuinely want to kill them or have a desire to. I just want them to give me boundaries and stop hurting me in so many ways and there’s very little control I have over that situation.
Though I try my best, to find a peaceful grounds it just has been really difficult on me and I’ve had to be the bigger person a lot and suppress so much emotion and my needs and desires to just make things slightly ok-Er seeming
and the truth is I’m tired
I’m so burnt out on this drama it’s rediculous they need to come down to earth but they can’t Instead they’re like hyper focusing on me and putting me under a microscope and it’s sucking the life out of me
the first person I genuinely would kill to get out of this situation which I have t fully devulged at length so I don’t expect you to fully understand- is myself
the situation here is making me suicidal but I’m trying my best to cope but I’m so depressed I can’t get out of bed because I’m so exhausted by all of this
you don’t know the half of it because I’m too tired to explain it all but to put it succinctly- my parents have over stressed me to a point of completely giving up
Ugh, mom just got mad at me because she wanted my fucking PIN number and I just kind of said
“I’m tired of this shit”
and shes like you cant disrespect me like that and I said well you can’t disrespect the fact I’m legally an adult and you can legally cross these boundaries like this
Maybe start having respect for me and my boundaries and I will show you some respect but I wasn’t meaning to say anything personal against you I’m just tired
Im just so tired of this
I can’t do it anymore
my exact words.
And rhen j said legally there are consequences for invading my privacy like this I’m an adult you can’t go in my home you can’t read my emails or go through my mail and you can’t have my PIN number that’s perfectly acceptsble
and she got LIVID after that even tho I wasn’t explaining it rudely though I do have to be direct-
and she started runnkng around around the house and slamming doors alllllll the doors alll the cabinets and making a frenzied fuss screaming at the dogs and then she
the reason she wanted my pin was to go into my computer because the WiFi wasn’t working (which was bull shit it was working fine) I knew she was lying just to get my fucking information (yes she is that sneaky.)
and so so I said “you won’t be able to get into my computer it has facial recognition” and she said “well just give me the pin”
implying she already kneeboarding you could use a pin as a backup and she’s likely already been trying to get into it for weeks
and she wanted me to sit there and type it in front of her and instead I just pressed a button and it did facial recognition and I loaded the WiFi and said “everything’s fine” and she got mad after that point and all huff and puff like
trying to manipulate me as usual (she plays this two faced act where she pretends to be innocent and caring and empathizing of me) like “I won’t go into your computer I just don’t see why you couldn’t give me the pin”
clearlt this wasnt abojt wifi it’s about the pin because when she has problems with the WiFi she knows how to fix it and she goes to the router not my computer ??
and I’m like “can we not do this shit right now I’m tired of this shit “
and that’s when she was like you can’t disrespscf me and I told her legally you don’t have a right to my shit dude
And then she stormed out of the house like an angry teenager
Because she doesn’t not like having control
and she’s realizing legally if she does anything to try and get that I’m going to make sure she experiences consequences and I’m old enough to fight back and she knows I will kill her in her sleep if she touches me
you typod bb
