https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsPrat5vzR5MPTESdpgrX9ZfmxGwmuCEA
this playlist is *a lot* to take in so, no need to take it all in at once.
but these are all things i've found to be helpful.
along with meditation using the calm app.
support groups, ACA, NA, Trauma and the 12 steps, and individual therapy, as well as EMDR and medication.
Learning grounding techniques, and also doing work on yourself through workbooks, I've done many but, the only one I can reference off the top of my head right now is the Dialectical behavior therapy book.
journaling and talking is important. and CBT and DBT have been helpful apporaches.
a long with getting an excellent physician to help me with the philosogical health side of things.
and just bettering your life over all and surrounding yourself with the right people and taking care of yourself and your own mind deliberately...
seeking growth and understanding as well. perhaps in a higher power even.
Wow... I’m absolutely drained from spending just a few hours with my family.. Jesus Christ
re-upping my energy now with food and coffee so maybe I will have the energy to journal (hopefully) but if not I will have to take a nap... and I already took a two hour nap but rn I’m so tired I could sleep for another 16 hours! That’s how much this drains me
I keep writing down little notes and putting off making the fully explained post because by the time I have a minute to myself
I’m absolutely dead tired from this nonsense... Jesus Christ. My god. The insanity. The insanity!
Here’s my notes that i was going to flesh out into several journal posts but ya’ll, i’m Tired
This doesn’t make sense but at least i got it down.
Things have moved forward from this point, basically in short. The argument i had with my parents i mentioned in these notes- kicked up again, this morning when i woke up
and then we sort of sorted it out, i don’t know how much of a difference it makes but basically i told them to stop controlling me i’m 24 let me make decisions for my own life and also pls try to listen to me/talk to me, ask me questions- rather than making assumptions-
all of this got stirred up when iw as talking to my therapist and she pointed out to me how i was basically on a leash with my parents and i was like... shit. Yeah that’s a huge part of the problem.
And i think that’s been a source of my depression, not the only cause- it’s always many factors but it *really* does a number on my mental state n stuff. It’s harder to handle than i realize. The way i have to live, because of them. Being so, disordered in the head.
I’ve had to be accommodating of it, and it’s destroyed my life, and hurt me greatly and i didn’t know how to even heal myself after the fact because i never knew i was allowed to love myself, make room for myself, take care of myself. I didn’t know how to do these things. I didn’t know i was supposed to develop a sense of autonomy- i didn’t know people had that in life really. I thought everyone was just bossed around by their parents, and everyone just believed what their parents believed and, lived under their controlling watch all the time.
Lol
but yeah uh... it makes a lot of sense. Like years ago i remember complaining to my mom about how i felt i had “outgrown” this room i was living in, in my house. And she made me feel “spoiled” for saying that or even desiring it. Like it was wrong somehow. And because it had nothing to do with her, and her agenda, it was irrelevant. It didn’t matter. It was ignored.
And then they did all this other crazy shit, i won’t even get into. But it was just insane.
And they wonder why i’m Having mental breakdowns when they start yet another argument with me, literally during one of these arguments i just was so broken down mentally from it all at this time (was in a really rough mental place) that i actually went in the corner of my room and started screaming and crying. Like, not just crying, screaming. The tears were from frustration the scream was pain and anger and stress. And the sobbing was just, desperation, tiredness, fatigue.
It’s what giving up looks like. I just couldn’t take it anymore, literally. Not one more minute of it. And i just wanted to somehow make it all stop so i just surrendered and like, screamed into a corner and sobbed having this mental breakdown and they just left me alone to sit there and cry curled up in the corner.
The fact they didn’t even care that happened just speaks volumes. Like- imagine your kid doing that shit, and then you just don’t even say a word about it afterward. Just, like it never even happened. No like, “are you ok now?” Or anything. They just left me alone to go mental in there.
Anyway, yeah the stress of living here is more than i can describe, it’d take a fucking book to really get it all out there for people to understand where i’m Coming from and what pushed me to that point. But it’s the same reason that today, I have a difficult time managing being around them just for a few hours.
That’s how toxic they are as people. It’s unfortunate but, they just can’t stop.
But anyway, we tried to talk things out this morning a bit.. but... like I said, I really don’t know if it will make a difference. They’re too in the habit of shoving me around.
I mentioned to my grandmother tonight while I was at my nephews house, we were all playing with him and what not. But i had a break where it was just me and her on the couch and he was in the other room. And she brought up what we had been talking about earlier this morning with my parents- she heard the whole thing.
And i ended up saying to her something about how, they think that they own me. And that, i find that to be insane. But that they’re so used to it, they’re so used to not respecting me as an individual and seeing me with compassion, as a human being (i.e they don’t think a bout their actions affect others, how their words will affect others) they are so concerned with their controlling nature, their own narcissistic delusions, and their own agendas- their own ideas for me-
that they don’t, even think- they don’t even fathom to believe- i might have individual thoughts of my own.
And i said to my mom earlier today like, “do you think i’m Stupid??” Like i really just sit around with my thumb up my ass not thinking about my own life and governing my own decisions? Wtf???
She genuinely thinks i don’t like, “think” For myself. It’s mind boggling how far from “seeing me” they are.
The morning was like “you don’t even LISTEN to me how could you KNOW WHO I EVEN AM.” You don’t know shit!!!!!
and my mom was like, “yeah who are you btw, i’ve Been meaning to find that out.”
Not even kidding.
and i said to my dad the other day during our argument i mentioned in my notes- i said, “one day you’ll learn to respect me- but by then- it’ll be too late”
Because he was just treating me so badly and everyone just sits there and lets him do it, and i lost my shit at him
this isn’t even half of what’s been going on in my life lately and in my head so... i’m Exhausted, i want to journal at length about all of it (so i dont forget) but this is the best i could do for now to at least keep up to date
smh the stress. It’s stressful! All of this is very stressful and its just unnecessary, it’s draining all my energy going into getting them to be less retarded! And i just dont have the time for it... but its all on me to navigate peace in the streets.
without me, waking up this morning and intervening in the arguments- it was just another mindless fight going in circles until i brought order to the chaos. Without me they’re hopeless to do nothing but chase their own tails. Ignorance isn’t bliss folks.
I think i might start vomiting from the stress of being here around my parents.
I’m supposed to go home in two weeks so thank god. But seriously, the stress. It’s- a lot. More than i wrote here like i said, it would take a book. To really get what i’m Going through.
But damn. Just... ahhh! No more! I’m *really* tired of it, believe me. I’m way past that point.
People really need to be made more aware of PTSD and other mental health disorders including substance abuse
It might be naive to assume everyone will be willing ready and accepting of treatment and capable of sticking with it
but people really need to be aware of the signs and also be understanding of others dealing with these sorts of things
and also know it is normal, it is common, you’re not broken or incurable or fucked or like worthless trash. You’re not incapable of having a normal functioning life again.
Mental illness can be so incredibly deceptive in that way, because it truly makes you believe there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t believe there was either until I started to research and understand the cold hard scientific truth behind it- which is that it is possible and there are so many treatments available
really the only thing you can do wrong is give up. It’s a matter of continually seeking answers and taking it into your own hands to find a way to get better. Addressing things one step at a time.
Its important that that people around them learn to be supportive and patient too.
There is kental health awareness but i dont think people realize how common and normal it is to have these sort of struggles.
But ptsd isn’t talked about a lot so the onset of it, as I was going through it, I had no idea what I was. And instead you just feel like you’re losing it. When really it’s totally normal for that condition and treatable.
So yeah more awareness needs needs to be spread about PTSD for sure my main focus would be about what the onset of symptoms look like so people know what to do when it happens to them or loved ones.
Having a mental disorder is like being brain washed by a sadistic demon
okay, went to therapy. 2nd appointment.
and, i didn't want to go. i contemplated skipping it. because last time i had so much anxiety, and i knew we were going to be talking about more trauma or depressing bull shit, and also i just wasn't in the head space to like, talk about what goes on in my head.
it's arduous sometimes if i'm not in the right head space, i can kind of forget about all the stuff i experience during the week, so then i forget what to talk about with the therapist XD
basically i was putting too much pressure on myself to have total oversight of everything i do and think, remembering it to tell my therapist about. so we know what to work on.
but the truth is, it comes up naturally as she sort of digs through the conversation anyway- and she does a good job of bringing out everything thats important. that i would of otherwise forgot to talk about lol.
and she got me in a good head space to feel comfortable talking and get me into that head space. and helped me to understand that, i don't need to stress about the stuff we talk about in therapy- outside of therapy just yet. not unless she gives me an assignment to do like, practicing dbt skills or something.
like the only homework assignment she gave me this time, is just- if anything repressed or like stressful comes up, regarding what we talked about in therapy or otherwise, during the week (which she said, it likely will bring up a lot of stuff. emotional flash backs, etc. because your brain will continue to process what you talk about and what you do in EMDR after you leave- and that's part of the process) she went through this exercise with me about like how to handle those intensely stressful moments etc, stressful thoughts- and then instructed me to use it outside during the week if anything comes up. because i don't need to be stressing about that shit.
she wants me to unpack it and leave it there in her office. then come back to it every week. and she wanted me to physically imagine leaving it there in her file cabinet. she is teaching me to compartmentalize and emotionally regulate myself as things come up that are difficult.
so i don't get stuck on them or cause mental distress that results in me like needing to be hospitalized. which has happened before with a previous therapist, who maybe didn't understand what a fragile state i was in at the time, and she gave me a "homework assignment" that maybe i wasn't ready for.
and yeah this therapist also like reminds me- there is no pressure to talk about things i don't want to talk about, trauma, etc. it's all about like when i'm ready to... and i can tell her we need to stop. etc.
and she knows that it can be difficult to talk during severe dissociation so if that happens to just put my hand up like making a stop sign. and that *really helps* me feel comfortable with *going* to the therapy.
because the first visit was like a ball of anxiety for me, so this time she was like reminding me i have control over the pace that i go etc.
-
and so we got into a little introduction to EMDR and then we did a practice round of it.
and we tried some different methods to find out what was best for me.
i was really happy that she let me choose which method i liked... it helps me focus a lot better on what i'm supposed to be doing if i can close my eyes- and we use the "tactile" method instead of the visual.
because i just can't focus wtih my eyes open, when i'm supposed to be visualizing something.
so the tactile method was like 10x more effective in bringing shit out rather than the visual method. not even kidding. we also tried the audio method but, she said for me it was more "activating" rather than like putting me into a meditative trance like state.
which makes sense because my brain has ptsd it associates sound with being alarmed, alert etc. like "someones coming" sort of thing. or also like, reminds you of a phone alarm when you need to wake up. or a notification on your phone. lol idk. so my brain didn't react well to the sound one.
but the touch one was super relaxing i really liked it. i was like smiling because i was like, "i can actually focus" lol like "oh.... this is how it works" and like seeing it work better and stuff in my head was really cool.
-
we talked a bit about some trauma very lightly. and i remembered like a stack of things at one point. because she did this exercise that is supposed to bring that up. it's a method.
and she asked me what it brought up, and i told her of one or two. and then she was like, "is that it?" and i said yes so we moved on but then as we were talked, a few more came trickling in. and i was like "oh i'll tell her about those in a minute"
but by the time i had the chance, they were gone again.
and i was like, "damn i remembered some more shit but now it's gone again."
and she was like, "that means you have a really strong system for pressing stuff down. and it's how you functioned emotionally, like going to school and stuff- you couldn't do all that with the weight of whatever was going on so you did that as a protective mechanism, and now it's just a habit."
and i'm like yeah, *exactly*
like i knew i was doing that as a kid, i remember doing it. but i thought it was normal because i grew up that way, i thought everyone did that. like "seperated" themselves from school and home. and like while i'm at school, the stuff that happened at home goes away.
and that continued all through high school, until i became so excellent at like repressing abuse, that i actually forgot it happened all together.
so when she was explaining to me how that works it like clicked for me and im like "yes, exactly. that's what my brain does" lol she just explained it a lot better but it's nice to hear someone put it into words, in a clinical way.
it shows me she really understands me and how i work, more and more she shows me that. you can tell she really is specialized in trauma.
-
i briefly mentioned some instances of dissociation, i haven't told her about all of them yet.
and she is doing a dissociative screening test on me, that's also one of my homework assignments it's just like a little test to fill out.
i've done one of these before, but. i think she's just trying to figure out where i'm at on the dissociate scale and what specific types of dissociation i'm prone to.
and she explained to me a bit about dissociation and how it's very common as a component of ptsd, and even bpd. but now in the dsm, they are replacing bpd with c-ptsd. and she explained why, but it's complicated to write here. basically, it explains better the *why* people with c-ptsd react relationally to the world around them the way they do- as it is habits formed by trauma. but yeah dissociation is an element of these disorders.
so that's what she thinks i have, but shes just screening me to make sure i guess or to get an idea of what she's dealing with.
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and i also briefly mentioned about the eating disorder i had, because we were talking about triggers for panic attacks for me.
and i listed off, the ones she probably could of guessed related to trauma's we've already discussed but then i listed the one related to food last and we dove into that a bit for a minute.
as things keep unfolding she's realizing more and more i've had entire life of very fucked-upness.
it started out as like, thinking i just had one trauma.
and now she's realizing i've had an entire life of pretty heavy trauma.
i also told her about the thing that happened when i was four, with the whole living in Utah in a home for chilren thing? and being picked up by strange men.
strangely enough when we did a bit of back searching to see repressed memories, related to a panic attack surrounding "wooded areas" that memory came up.
along with a few others- like, when i was homeless and in the woods and there was something traumatic happening.
and also when i was in the woods with my ex boyfriend in tulum and he tried to run me over with his car and blah blah blah there was traumatic stuff going on that night.
so we're starting to understand why... ugh. sorry i feel like i'm dissociating a bit.
*spaces out* lol
