if there are panic attacks does that mean there are relaxation defenses???
I believe they call it "Numbness", but it's usually less broken from themselves than they go on about.
if there are panic attacks does that mean there are relaxation defenses???
Yeah. My therapist has witnessed me do this.
When talking about trauma I go monotone completely and essentially check out from all emotion
many therapists have witnessed it actually, they often bring up with me the fact they’re experiencing more emotion than I am.
I have the ability not to feel if I want. This applies not only to mental processes but physiological and empathetic processes as well. I can elude pain temporarily but that doesn’t mean there won’t be a backlash of other mind bending symptoms later as a result of this repression.
Its sort of like a trampoline you press it down and whatever’s on it bounces back up. It has to.
Your mind is a wind tunnel that circulates in a perfect circle around your conscious and you can throw something out to the side because you don’t want to hold it at the time but it will always get caught in the current and come circling back around right in front of you at some point. It’s an echo chamber, you can’t escape your own mind and once something is in there you can’t really delete it
Just compartmentalize or dissociate are your only options outside of repression I believe
my last therapist before this one im currently seeing, told me my depression was a response to pain in an effort not to feel Anything I became psychologically numb
Today:
my parents decided to bring up everything that they like to berrate me with on a regular basis with, all at once. Like any topic that stresses me out. All the usual stuff they get on my case about. All the stuff that bothers me, that they do.
They decided to do all of it right all at once. And, I woke up to it. Fun.
It's the worst waking up to your parents arguing about you.
I listened to them for about an hour and a half. And finally I decided to interrupt as if I had no idea what was going on and I'd just woken up, and asked an innocent unassuming question about fixing something in my car. My dad told me how to do it and I went out to go do it, but also used it as an excuse to get out of the house without them asking me where I'm going.
And then I went off, as I always do. I just knew things were going to be a "blowing up" kind of day. Where the family lights itself on fire and everyone argues for three days straight. Yeah, one of those.
So I was like great. Like, as soon as I walked in the hallway and I passed my mom and she said something negative to me, I could tell the energy in the air was negative. Like I literally had taht thought I was like, "the air's energy is negative today.... uh oh." haha and I know what's about to ensue when this kind of energy is around so.
Best to get out. I got out, and uh.. kind of collected my thoughts on everything I was going to say, on the topics they were invetibally going to confront me with, luckily for me all the same time! so much fun. and just gathered myself emotionally as well. decided what the most rational thing was to do, in order to approach this situation strategically without ending my ass up on the street again.
and calm and collected, returned home knowing *exactly* what I was going to say. When to say it, and how.
I sat there unassuming in the living room, playing with the dogs as I always do. Like I didn't have a clue. And waited for them to get into it- as they always do. I figured it's better we address it earlier in the day- the sooner you can knip the frenzy in the bud the better, or it just escalates, and everyone gets angrier and angrier.
I knew just what to say to diffuse the entire bomb. Though it was many topics at once.
It's unfortunate though because, this is all I'm ever doing with my parents. Just, diffusing bombs. Everyday. Every fucking day of my life, that's all it's been. Either preparing for one, hiding from one/avoiding it, or dealing with them, cleaning up the chaos from one, etc. It's just, volatile. All the time. They're just kind of nuts so it never stops. They don't realize how many years they've wasted running themselves and myself included completely ragged. I mean, they've stressed me beyond the point of return you know what I mean. Like, burn out. I feel that all the time, because of living in this warzone. I'm just tired of life. You know? It shouldn't be that way, I shouldn't be so jaded but, I am because of this.
But, to get off my soap box and continue with the day, like any other day. they confront me about all the problems they have with me. and i address it smoothly one by one- staying calm. choosing my words carefully. very carefully.
one wrong slip, and it's KABOOM.
but yeah... i mean... it's just sad because, i can't be myself. i mean, i don't feel very attached anymore like, i've sort of given up on the prospect of ever having a real relationship with them and got used to that a long time ago. i know that ship has sailed.
they are who they are and i am who i am and... what they've done, i can forgive them for but... it's not like they're ever going to apologize. you know what i mean.
the closest i've gotten to an apology, was, just recently like a week or two ago. my mom was saying to me, about how she knows that "we fucked up" as parents... like, she admits that she fucked, me, up. she used that wording specifcally. "we fucked you up." she knows "we did parenting wrong" and she knows that's why i'm in therapy now. like the trauma, that i went through of them, "raising" me... the consequences of that are now showing you know.
and she's connected the dots. it's "ptsd or whatever" from "trauma or whatever" as she puts it.
she doesn't want to be too direct and just say, "i'm sorry that you have ptsd from what we've done to you."
but, it was in a much more negative and menacing, almost... like "pity party" kind of way. Like she wanted me to come clean up her emotions again, like always. "oh poor me... we're such terrible parents and now we've fucked up, and we have the fucked up kid. you're so fucked up."
fuck up fuck up fuck up, that's all they call me. that's how they see me.
and it's just weird because i don't see myself that way. that's just their personal, take on things.
but they see me as this like, horribly fucked up thing and they remind me of that everyday. they remind me of what they think i'm capable of and not capable of everyday. and they engrain this into me- every, day.
it's hard to bare, especially having to hold your tongue and not just speak up for yourself once- not once.
because it'll just make you out to be the bad guy. getting pissed off. emotions, aren't allowed here. because they don't understand them. they're just another excuse to villianize me or, otherwise. support whatever predisposed notion, agenda, perrogative that they have of me.
so it's best just to remain nuetral, diffuse the bomb, and don't give them a lot to work with- information/behavior wise about yourself that can give them any hint, of a notion that you are not what they are comfortable with. it's sort of a "don't color outside the lines" sort of thing.
that "leash" thing that i was talking about my therapist with.
and if i do fuck up, if i didn't play my cards right. guess where i end up.
no where. homeless.
so all the fighting is no use anyway right because who the fuck really wins. even if i'm right, they can decide they don't fuckin like it. so there is no real winning in this house, only subjectivity. oppression. agreement. benignly accepting, tolerating, toxicity. abuse. impeding on my rights as an individual. allowing the disrespect. allowing them to invade my privacy, my personal space. to interrogate me. to harm me. to isolate me. to control me.
i remember one time, my dad, backed me up against a wall and was screaming in my face. and i just started laughing hysterically, as he was threatening me. i just kind of cracked.
and ever since then, i laugh haphazardly when he hurts me. sometimes i will mock him with sarcasm and, make useless gripes that, go in one ear out the other while he's cracking the belt.
he kicked me in the ass once, and i started giggling into the floor while my teeth hit the wood. and he said, "what's so fuckin funny" and i said, "you're kicking my ass. haha, litteraly. hahahhh"
at a certain point it just all starts getting really funny, and that's how i know i've had too much.
which brings me to talk about my "dark side" that can handle, all of that stuff when it gets too dark.
i really don't want to talk about this, it gives me anxiety because... i don't really understand it totally myself but.
i have a dark side. idk. i'm not proud of it. i prefer to keep it secret and compartmentalize it, but i have to talk about this with my therapist i guess. just let her know i have this weird like thing I switch into.
whenever things get too bad, i kind of turn really psycho and like. this tougher version of myself that can handle a lot more and isn't phased by it, doesn't feel any of it or anything. i believe this to be a dissociative symptom, perhaps even an alter, i'm not really sure.
this one doesn't like being seen, is why i don't, talk about it... i want to hide it or, it wants to hide. however you want to look at it. for what reasons- i can elaborate on if you're curious but. you'd have to ask.
but uh... it's kind of, chaotic in nature. the personality. it's kind of like, "you wanna kill me? go ahead." type. but at the same time is very calculating, despite seeming to be throwing caution to the wind. it's all calculated for protection.
but what, i will do or, it will do at these times. this darker, version of myself? will uh... well it's very fearless and tough but, it will go to any measure to protect me.
like this only really comes around if you are threatening to kill or hurt me in a really serious way, serious danger is present. etc.
and uh. this, side to myself. it can get real, psycho. swift and quiet, gentle- but in the most threatening way. the people who have met this side, the look in their eyes is something i've only ever seen when this side comes out of me- and they look me right in the eyes with true, wide eyed fear.
and these are exactly the kind of things this side will do. it's edgy. lol
i think we're all capable of being this way but, only when confronted with really stressful situations would we show it? maybe.
i dunno, some people just cower in fear but. i'm not the type. fight or flight... but this goes beyond simple fight or flight it's like.... what the fuck did i just turn into?
anyway, i brush it off because it only happens if someone threatens me really seriously. like immediate, imminate danger. kind of like my own guard dog. but, in my head?
so if you wanna mess with me, you'll have to go through this. and, i wouldn't mess with this.
this is blanc btw. like this is who blanc is. not really a name just a psycho motherfucker... it's it's whole own person in my mind. even has it's own pinterest board on my pinterest.
i try to give like, room to these parts of myself to express themselves. because they are there, and they are veyr much a part of me and denying them only makes it more confusing. it's best they have their own space to occupy so they don't all run together i suppose. compartmentalization.
https://www.pinterest.com/maryelizagreg/aaa-miscellaneous-2/blanc/
oh and this side likes to drink. a lot.
which is, unusual. it's like the only thing that is a tell tale sign i'm not totally myself. if i'm drinking a lot.
my parents were severe alcoholics growing up and, i actually have a disdain for alcohol and refuse to drink it.
but, not when i'm like this.
i think blanc bears a lot of my trauma for me, and that's why. the drinking. numbing, shit. ya. it makes sense. as soon as i'm like in this mind set the first thing i wanna do is shove any substance into my body by whatever means. like, a strong pull or addiction to strong chemicals of any sort
this side isa lot more boyish. likes to rough around. wrestle. fight. play video games. shoot guns. do drugs. have sex. and PARTIES. really wild. anything thrill seeking, adrenaline junkie. sports. loves sports and being athetlic.
but also has a really artistic crazy/ballsy side that likes to impulsively make abstract music and very dark art. including photographing women nude and then producing the film by hand. and obviously has an appreciation for other art, fashion, photogrpahy in, specific styles.dance and theater, makeup aristry for theater, etc.
there is a really bold artistic side that is extremely passionate.
likes, murder. is fascinated with it. and uh... likes watching interrogations, true crime sort of stuff, documentaries, obsessed with serial killers and the like, criminals. the study of them. chain smoker. netflix documentaries about crime as well. action movies. horror films. creepy stuff.
very emotionally avoidant, will protect other people not just myself. so there is a less abrasive, element that is compassionate and understanding will carry other peoples burdens for them or assist them.
When I was referring to "the drop" in my posts, and I said I had mentioned it earlier in this thread. I was wrong.
I had mentioned it earlier, in *this* thread:
https://sociopathcommunity.com/Forum/Topic/829/3/what-dissociation-feel-like-#post6638
I just had lumped these two threads together in my mind lol but yeah. This is the thread where I show you what I mean by "the drop" and this experience in and of itself, would be a lot to explain as far as what it's fully like but. At least you can get a general idea here, until I explain it further one day... if I ever do.
It's my intention to talk more about the dissociation, as much as possible. And detail things at length. Kind of like the youtubers who own dissociative channels (mental health channels pertaining to DID and OSDD-1b, C-PTSD, etc.)
Because I think it would be good to map out everything I've experienced that I can remember in regards to dissociation as a way to better understand it all, as I am doing with addressing triggers, flash backs, panic attacks associated to traumatic memories with my therapist, using mostly EMDR.
Addressing the dissociative triggers is just as important as the anxiety triggers, and these do occur seperately, or sometimes together. But they're both linked to trauma, which needs to be brought to the light and dealt with in EMDR so. I think detailing out my dissociation will help me to, relate back to whatever trauma it is that it's linked to... and sort of fish it out of the repression state. Wherever the fuck it is buried in my mind. hah.
So that maybe I can stop doing this shit. Stop the panic attacks, stop the dissociation etc.
Obviously there are varying degrees of anxiety and dissociation one can experience, and I can't go over every detailed time I've had tinges of it or like more mild symptoms of it because this shit happens all the time. But I can go over the larger events that were most memorable and, in my opinion the more severe examples of dissociation that I've experienced.
(huge trigger warning on this video, don't click if you're triggered by sexual assault) @2:08
more on the dissociation tangent/topic thing... i'm just going to merge my "what dissociation feels like" thread (linked above in the quote) with this thread just to keep things simpler.
but yeah. @2:08 she gives a very nice accurate description of dissociation here.
it's very confusing for someone who might be experiencing extreme symptoms of ptsd.
such as dissociation and panic attacks. it seems to come out of no where, you don't know why it's happening.
but, from my understanding. it's a delayed "clap back" effect, of experiencing prolonged abuse of all sorts shapes and sizes throughout my life.
and one day, it started to trickle in. the ptsd. in noticable chunks. but once again, i didn't understand it. i didn't even know if the flashbacks i were having were real. or what i should do about them- or that they would continue affecting me. it turns out the longer you let a flashback that is bothering you, torment you- the worse the sickness of flashbacks gets.
and while I was tormented by one specific trauma that pieced together in trickles over the course of a year- and it affected me with severe panic attacks by the end of that year. i thought that was it. you know?
but that was only just the beginning. that was just one memory, of hundreds. this was just the beast of ptsd waking up.
and then one day, after it took me through that lovely, slow introduction. chapter one began by hitting me right in the face with very violent dissociative panic attacks that were so severe, disorienting, and mind bending- and my mind went to such a horrible place during this, that it actually drove me to suicide in just minutes.
and that's how i wound up with my first hospitalization and began treatment.
so it was pretty much immediate for me. you know you are mentally sick when experiencing this, chapter 1 of symptoms.
but the introduction- not so much. you don't know what's coming for you, or that you should be geting help. you don't know what it even is, or that this is a serious thing that is going to come for your life inevitably, soon. not if but when.
unfortunately this is the sad story of ptsd. A staggering 73.5% percent of people diagnosed with ptsd from physical assault alone will attempt suicide.
https://www.verywellmind.com/ptsd-and-suicide-2797540
"Trauma, PTSD, and Suicide Approximately 23% of people who had experienced a physical assault had also attempted suicide at some point in their life. These rates of suicide attempts increased considerably among people who had experienced multiple incidents of sexual (42.9%) or physical assault (73.5%)"
And that breaks me up. That people right now are suffering with their introduction to ptsd, or contemplating suicide right now because of ptsd. Are expriencing the symptoms, and don't know why, or what's going on. And most importantly they don't believe there is a way out of it. I know because I didn't. I've been there.
You think it couldn't get any worse and then it does. And sadly the treatment process of it is just as confusing, just as much of an enigma to people who are in the dark and don't know what kind of help to be asking for.
Unfortunately this process alone, of finding the right kind of help- took in my opinion, too long. And I'm very fortuante I didn't die, in the period I was lingering in the dark searching for the right treatment, the right answers, the right kind of mental help, the right medications. And for the therapy to even begin, to work. For my perspectives to even start to change. This period took, too long. In my opinion. I can't stress that enough.
You shouldn't be at your worst crisis point possible and then seeking treatment, it's rocky and dangerous, and it was really by a hair that I made it out of that year or so alive. Seriously. It's better to get the treatment right when it starts. With the "introduction" at the very least, if not sooner.
Awareness of PTSD is an issue to me.
Also she says in the video I linked above, "the line is gray, and the line is hard. that makes coming to terms with things even harder."
and I was just htinking about that specific topic while watching that video and she pretty much said my thoughts out loud while I was having them. Not even just about sexual assault but also growing up physically abused as well.
There is a gray area for people that go through abuse where they question if it's even wrong, or they rationalize it as "nothing"... that it didn't "affect them." or that it wasn't "that bad" or maybe, they were brain washed to believe they deserved it, or had it coming. Or like for statutory rape, you know. They think because it wasn't as violent as hollywood depicts that maybe it doesn't count. Etc.
There is a constant, discounting, and disbelief, and denial in ones own abuse and the effects it has on you. There is an immense difficulty in finding a true acceptance, a grounded knowingness that it even happened. Or to even be able to remember it, because your brain is so good at fucking forgetting it and putting it out of your mind.
That is not, healing. Don't be fooled by that. Don't be fooled by the casual denial, that you weren't affected. Or that it wasn't that bad. Or that it happened because you deserved it or brought it on yourself in some way.
Circumstances like this, do not matter. Abuse is a abuse. What matters, and what's important. And what greatest service you can do for yourself, is processing it after the fact in a healthy manner. I would seek out the means to do so in whatever way you find comfortable, and if you are scared, or it becomes scary at any point, most definately seek the help of a professional or- if you don't feel safe, you can deal with these things in residential treatment for a while.
I had to do that, I was a suicide risk pretty much for two years into my PTSD diagnosis. But that suicidality did go away at some point because I continued to seek treatment. And when I hit a brick wall I continued to seek it in other ways. The important thing is just to continue, continue continue on. Don't let anything stop you.
It's ok to take breaks. I most recently did that before I created this thread, I hadn't talked baout anything or journaled that much at least publically in months, and kind of put it all in the back burner of my mind for a while. Shut the door and threw away the key. And just, let myself relax a bit. Sometimes you need that time to just, mull it over. I don't know how else to describe it but. Those breaks are sometimes essential to coming to readiness, or taking breaks to relax when it's overwhelming you. It's totally normal.
Sometimes it will all seem like too much. You step away from it. Give yourself a break. And then you come back, and strategically sort through it with a prepared approach and, your tool box. Of tools. The path is easier with a guide so that is why I do recommend a professional but if not- there is tons of help on the internet for basically free, or if you just can't talk yet, etc. Whatever reason it is. Sometimes it's easier to do things through writing, reading, even art. Whatever works.
There are residential therapy programs in the United States I know of that offer alternative methods of treatment, medication free even- routes of treatment. That involve creative processes more than group therapy and mind numbing cry sessions with a therapist. The same thing doesn't work for everyone and there is no one size fits all in therapy. There is just the information and the methods and the tools out there to access and you can take whichever you chooose.
Whether it be a self help work book or, your favorite coping mechanism- taking walks, or journaling. Camping. Rock climbing. People do all sorts of stuff to sort through their shit. It's a healthy balance in my opinion to trade off and try lots of different things. And speckle in variation throughout your healing process over time.
And that brings me to my last point which is patience. These things really do take time. They require practice, healing from PTSD. And yeah, with practice though, and with time, things do get easier, and life becomes managable. You can regain function and, whatever things else you feel like you've lost, or lost touch with, etc.
It’s frustrating not really knowing who you are because you can’t make decisions
Like I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life. People have their “thing” and I don’t know. If someone asked me what I do or, who I am. Or what my thing was. I really can’t say.
It just always feels up in the air. Grounded sense of identity. Etc.
I can’t tell if I have a fragmented identity or if it’s just the result of someone who doesn’t want to commit to one set thing set in stone, or to be labeled and put into a box out of some, fear or avoidance of that.
I don’t really know who I am, I’m just making it all up as I go. It’s hard for anything to feel genuine.
Its not not that big of a deal really it just is a problem when it comes to choosing a career path
I can’t stop doing lots of things at once
ive had this problem since I was young. I felt overwhelmed with the potential there was to do this or that and there wasn’t enough time to do everything and.. all the things I wanted to do in life and it’s just hard but at the same time I don’t care and I want to do nothing
Ugh I keep remembering shit and then forgetting it again.
I feel like I'm taping together memories in my mind to make a chronological life story and as soon as I find something to fill a gap (that I didn't even know was there) I go... "oh yeah, i remember that. i'll pin tape that into the memory."
and then, the tape looses residue, and it falls off. and it's gone again.
things i keep forgetting (specifically today, but happens all the time)
-i was raped
-i was homeless and drugged
-the year i lived in mississippi
-the summer i returned home from mississippi
who was that person, and what happened to them I don't know.
the person i was before was just gone. i have to approach, thinking and talking about this lightly because i can get dissociated feeling or get a lot of anxiety from it.
i should lay out a map to explain what i mean. of like major events i guess.
like a time line.
because i keep *forgetting* and then *remembering* and then *forgetting* again and it's so, annoying. that i don't always have a comprehensive view. i've been talking about this with my therapist.
ugh i feel dissociated right now just thinking about it.
i don't really understand why everything was the way it was for me, like why i was the person i became and then, why... how.. suddenly it went away. and i forgot the meaning of my own name, and all sense of identity that was attached to it, and i no longer knew my own face, and couldn't recognize myself in the mirror.
and then when i started to remember again, it honestly became more confusing.
because now i had this like, blanc version of myself that knew no concept of identity, and then there was me in the past who i recognize was there but, don't honestly know much about and don't know how to *return* to being. like, there needs to be a bridge to bridge the gap and i can't build one. but i see it in the distance. it's just out of reach. and... one therapist wanted me to return to it. i told her, i didn't think that was possible. another therapist said it wasn't possible but i could build who i was from here.
and then... over the years i have done exactly that. people say i seem more like my old self as i've built my new sense of self but. it wavers horrendously.
it's not, entirely whole. like a flower made of pedals or, shards of glass forming a mosaic i don't know... i don't undersatnd. it's so frustrating not knowing who the fuck i am. i've had a lot of... "role conflict" or wahtever they call it in sociology... but...
i was trying to think earlier about why that might be. and i know i experienced this feeling or this notion since i was a young child like, i'mi talking elementary school. things were very seperated. my therapist says that's just how i coped with everything going on in order to best remain funcitonal.
i have memories from middle school that are completely blacked out. like, someone just took a big eraser but instead of the page turning white it was like black out. like just big black dark swipes of paint just covered it up.
there are things i can remember from high school but that person in and of itself feels distant.
and so does the person i was froma ges 18-22. like i look at photos and idk, who that is, like it's hard for me to believe that i was that person because i just feel like a completely different person from then.
i suppose i went through a lot around 22-23, and that just broke me down like. literally and i experienced a stripping of my entire grip on sanity, on reality, and everything i thought i knew and understood was just washed away by this nasty face of pure, emptiness, depression. and i saw rock bottoms that you don't come back from quite the same i suppose?
it's like someone stuck a big, steak right into my life at this point. the hammer came down. like an electric shock to someones heart, that was once flat lined, and woke me back up but, it's a new rhythym now. a new face, a new thought pattern, a new me. walking on a new path, looking in a new direction. and there was this stuff inside me i didn't understand, the handful of experiences i had, during this time that, i've now attributed to ptsd and the symptoms of it.
i went through a phase of healing and, while everyone wants to think i'm done because i'm not... on drugs, i'm not, harming myself, my behavior has calmed down. i can regulate my thoughts and emotions better. i'm not, suicidal. i'm not, in and out of mental hospitals. and for all intensive purposes, i seem fairly ok on the outside. somewhat.
my mom says she can tell i'm not happy sometimes. and while there's good days, they're just good days.
i take them as they come but there's a mix of bad and good days sprinkled around the swirling my mind does. i've felt this tornado for a long time of just, swirling around and not really being able to stop it or hold onto anything- of just emotion and thoughts and, identity, behavior. just, always, shifting around and around. changing, based on triggers and environment, or, internal triggers. things i'm processing or goign through, etc. but since i've been put on medication they've been able to "slow" the tornadic rush and circulating so,
instead of mood swinging and flying off he handle every 2 hours, it's more like things just shift from week to week. and i've gotten used to it.
but it's not normal, it's not functional to be so... not concrete in oneself. like i said i can't hold onto anything and just be still. it's not possible. i like used to try to force it anyway i could but, reality is it never can last.
so there's an apathy in it now, once you've exhausted all your options in that regard.
and ontop of that you have your own unresolved, issues standing outside of that. whether they be within yourself or, circumstantial life stuff. which attributes to the apathy at times.
and you just wanna give up.
but there is a small part of myself that i discovered, while in therapy that i know is worth living for and i am trying my best to grow that person and feed it, and take care of it. it is the healthy individual inside of me. problem is, it's not always there... it's just, a small part of me. if that makes any sense. but, that little small section of me is what keeps me from attempting suicide now. it is an internal sense of worthiness, capability, and value in oneself which i had to work very hard to establish, and grow enough for it to stick around.
through personal work and cbt, dbt, etc. etc. taking care of it like a little egg.
but yeah uh... i think everyone has lots of attributes to themselves but, mine are just a little compartmentalized, because of the memory gapping. like. when your brain creates memory gaps, it also steals a part of you with it into that compartment and it's blocked off from everything else.
so you have all these walls and all these sections of yourself, your identity, components of it- attached to memories which. the identity and the memory as they are attached- only can display together. like, the part of me that is an actor, remember the years i was in theater and film. it makes sense but... it doesn't.
because why can't it all just be one whole person...
and so that's what i told my therapist when i first met her, this new one i'm seeing. i told her i want to work on wholeness. and she paused and said, "huh." kind of like, mulling over the word in her mind and half smirking. she looked far away. and she said to me, "that's an interesting wording, i like that."
