i'm going to make a timeline, and call it "my brain"
and just try to chronologically lay out all the events i remember like flash cards, on a time line and... i'm going to fill in ones as i remember them.
SO I DONT FORGET THEm again dammit! no more of this shit. HA. i've OUTSMARTED YOU BRAIN! fuck you!
oh also, because of the conflictedness, it causes internal arguing and warring and like, not knowing how to make decisions of any sort.
which results in a "stale-mate" like state, for me. and thus why i would consider myself still in the healing chapters, despite like i said, people thinking i'm no longer in them.
there is a lot of uncertainty and has been for a while now about like what i'm doing with my life and- if i even want to live it. and when i picture my future i can only imagine, ideals but, they're not realistic. which, they say is common in depression but. i feel like, i can't find the ability to just make genuine decisions so that's why i really like, expressing myself on tumblr and pinterest and what not with art and fashion and music because, those things are genuine fo rme and i feel a trueness in them that i know, i genuinely created, in such a way, because i genuinely love it to be that way. i felt a connection for wahtever strange reason to these styles, or to this sound, or i like this, or i like that.
and that's like, a good, thing for me to "grow".. that sense of, who i am? through these, sort of, little pieces of evidence i can find for myself on the external world that, come out naturally out of my hands from deep within my subconscious and locked away parts of myself i didn't know existed. the genuine, self.
music especially is very very subconsious and genuine. i enter into a flow state when creating it, and the lyrics and the music tell me more about myself than i knew originally. like if you could tap into a radio signal of what is going on in there, deep in the genuine subconsious self, and listen to it. that's what music is for me.
i hate the rest of things happening on the outer shell, the conscious. it's just so much discord and thinking, and over thinking. and arguing, with oneself and, judging oneself. and there is hopelessness and despair there, and self hatred. etc.
but in the subconscious there is a purity that just exists and doesn't question oneself.
i forget, that's actually what began my journey into drugs.
originally i started as a young kid because i wanted to feel "happy" (to sum it up, i could elaborate on more but to put it succinctly i was depressed).
there were times i used to escape, just, circumstantail things and internal things idk...
but, there was also a reason i was so into drugs into high school is because i felt like i could most truly be myself when i was high and i enjoyed that fact. like it took all those walls down i'm talking about with the, "outer shell" and the consciousness. i just found it to be, overly anxious, and tense, and annoying frankly. hahha. it got in the way of just allowing, myself to be, me, comfortably. in public, wherever, even when alone.
i wanted to unlock that, and drugs were a route to that, as was music. and so those two things i was really really into growing up. for that reason.
i could go to school and just, be myself. and, then it became like, i could only be myself if i was high. you know?
idk. and that's when you realize you have a drug problem and idk, i started to lose myself in it then for a while and things got really rocky because the amount of stuff i was trying to block out or deal with was just far too large for a simple fix, to block out. and the levels of drugs and the frequency at which, i required to continue an aloof, escapist life style, a refusal to sorting ones shit out so to speak- it was just enough to be considered, a drug problem at that point.
and my life unraveled as does any persons life, when they have a drug problem like this. and only made things worse for my own self you know. eventually there comes a part you have to force yourself to look at the mess you've been avoiding and, start dealing with it.
but the psychology of, comign to that place for some people is, very complicated. i was lucky to come to a place of readiness. and even though i faltered from it frequently, and still do even occassionally. haha. there is at least a basic understanding that i really cannot live like that, and i was lucky enough to discover that smell shred of value in oneself to make it a worthwhile journey. the process of recovery. it's hard without motivation at your core.
so i was lucky to have discovered that, motivational, key piece. without that i dont think i would of done any of it.
before hand, like prior to discovering this value in oneself, though small. it used to be nonexistent. and my actions reflected that as i just wavered and washed away with whatever current drug me through it, and i cast myself to the wind constantly as if i was just, nothing. and i didn't really understand why i was doing what i was doing, and didn't reflect on it much, my actions you know. it was just, recklessness and anarchy with no real reason behind any of it, and no intentions or aim, or goal. they call this being lost.
Also I wanted to mention the only reason I’m not a complete wreck like and was able to return from the breaking point at 23
was... medication
and that’s something I still don’t fully understand but after seeing a functional medicine doctor maybe it makes sense
like the mental experiences I was having and will have without meds are just so crazy like. I don’t understand fully why I’m like that or what causes that but
I guess it can be attributed to a culmination of my diagnoses and metabolic issues.
Its not like a little bit of anxiety it’s like the way my mind functioned was debilitating and I didn’t function right at all because of it in any aspect and was also driven to suicide by the severity of it at times
anxiety dissociation etc. there was a lack of attention and focus and inability to relax or sleep an inability to remember anything. And justness I was generally over all the place like I mentioned being a tornado of thought and mood and that wasn’t happening at an exceptionally high rate just spinning around and around like you can’t fucking be simple and normal like that you’re just all over the place
but yeah I don’t fullt understand it and it sucks that without meds I return to being that way
its difficult to even have a conversation off the meds sometimes because my inattentuon and memory at the time is so bad
and there is is no protection from mood swings without it so if I’m already in a dark place or I experience an emotional or otherwise like anxiety trigger I will experience full blown panic for days on end or spiraling severe depression for weeks and not be able to think or get out of bed and just want to die from how bad these emotional states get and I’m usually just in a ball crying or something like nonstop
or I will Ben dissociating and trying to kill my self
so yeah it’s not just like a little bit of PTSD. It’s severely debilitating I can’t stress that enough and I’m fortunate to have meds to make me a slightly normal person again because without them I’m just consumed with mental illness and cannot do *anythinf*
because its all *hard*
These are very good examples of some basic panic attacks
mine sometimes include dissociation which makes them look a little different but I’ve had this standard ones as well and this is exactly to the T accurate representations of *some* of them
though I’ve had others that look quite different
I forgot to mention the nightmares are back
my therapist said that would happen from stirring up all the trauma in therapy and emotional flashbacks and panic attacks all that jazz so I’m not surprised but
damn they’re nasty affffff like
so awful and so terrifying you wake up still scared of it
damn just missing one weeks therapy visit and i'm already thinking about relapsing and shit
i can't keep my mind within bounds...
like a tree that grows all unkempt and they have to keep cutting it back every week
yesterday i got angry at my dad a lot and told him to shut up like several times
i was, on edge. i dunno why. i think i'm just mad at everything honestly. and i hate it all.
but i'm just trying so hard not to be that person. you feel me. i try to be the opposite.
but... that's just, trying to be. not, being.
very large difference.
and that's what's at the core of my addiciton right there.
i try to run from who i am all the time but always end up returning inevitably to who i truly am, which is- not the best.
i try to convince myself i can change if i can just mold my mind and do all these things but i'm just lying to myself.
who i am is much darker than i let on because i try so hard to run from that and be anything but that. because facing it is so much harder. you have no idea.
i've also had to hide it for survival.
i suppose it's not uncommon. but the weight it has on the individual experiencing the duality is, complex and a significant burden. there's more to it than meets the eye.
this is who i make myself out to be:
(for everyone else)
(a shining example of everything they want me to be)
who i really am:
basically i'm trying to say there's a stark contrast between who i appear to be on the outside, and my outter life and how it all looks on paper. and who i am on the inside, for real. and i run from my feelings about things and my sadness or whatever, by like ignoring that person on the inside an donly paying attention to the outside version and maintaining it.
so of course when you do that you're going to be depressed and anxious.
no, and it's ok it's really liberating to accept yourself for who you are and just admit it.
i need to stop running from it!! it's just madness
