Sociopath Community

aubrieta said: 

*farts* ooooo that was a juicy one 

 you downviting my fart is seriously affecting my mental health in a negative way pls stop victimizing me blanc you bully fake Lesbian 

You're making me get PTSD from my childhood when I farted for the first time and my parents made fun of me for it and said it was an embarassing thing something to be ashamed of and it has traumatized me my whole life so please just stop okay I dont need this right now. please just stop

My story is not the same as hers, but i can relate to the things she’s saying a lot

So sick of these sleepless nights 

laying restless on a bed of needles 

skin made of glass 

checking the time feeling like it should be 5am and it’s only 12:45,.. 

the walls are blank so you’re left seeing and feeling all the pain you avoid during the day 

and it takes chunks out of you mercilessly 

like an angry pit bull 

and no matter how many years pass or how much progress is made 

its all the same when you lay in bed awake at night 

over and over again 

Distraction’s always at your finger tips but it’s never enough 

it doesn’t quench the thirst you have 

like a psychopathic murderer for blood 

you feel the intense drive to stifle and numb 

All the shit inside you can’t handle anymore... 

its beyond, an annoyance it consumes you like a black hole sucking you in deeper and deeper 

the torture only gets louder and surrounds you more and more 

until you’re lost in your own darkness 

the only way out, a door open far away with light peaking in, 

warm, incandescent light. 

And you reach for it. 

And then it shuts again and you’re left in the horrible terror 

of darkness 

cold floor barefoot, water dripping from the ceiling 

draining to the small hole in the center, 

you can’t see it but you can hear it 

every now and then a roach crawls out from the slats 

and makes himself known 

on your body 

and you tell yourself you’ve made a friend 

but you’re sick of the cold and not being able to see 

and if it meant your freedom for the torturous prison you live inside of 

you’d kill him in an instant, without any grievance 

and this is what addiction is

the warm incandescent light, the same Warmth that a lighter emits 

every time, he cooks up a new remedy, to remind you who you are 

and take you far away 

I will not live in this prison anymore, 

and the same might that takes from a wallet, and throws away 10 days, 265 days, 14 years of sobriety, 

is the same will power that should be taking personal responsibility, for my actions, for my healing, for a recovery. 

But instead we choose to kill the roach. Because it’s easier to throw something away than it is to build something new. 

To release ourselves from personal suffering, there are only two options. 

Continued suffering-giving in. Or the high road. 

when you kill a roach, ten more come to the site where it was murdered. Instinctively, not out of grievance but, as a hormonal response- it becomes a breeding ground. 

And more roaches are born. 

There will always be roaches to kill. And more will come, and come, and come until you’re buried in it. 

Sick from the feces that lay on your skin in the cold and damp place you’re sick of staying in! 

This is addiction! 

I will not live in this prison! Anymore, and stop basking in the warm light of the friend that lies to you, the friends you’d kill for a fix, steal the drive to steal and use that drive to, climb, up and away... from this prison... from this prison that never ends....... this prison we live in

You spend so much time reinforcing your construct... 

...have you ever thought of just sitting there and seeing what comes out without interviews subbing as your WebMD? 

Blanc said: 

Fuck i just finished the entire entry and then accidentallysomehow deleted all of it with one fucking button i accidentally pressed on my fucking keyboard and i can’t undo or redo it to make it come back or anything like that 

 

-.- 

 THANK FUCK FOR THAT. you're literally the biggest abuser here forcing us to read novels of your boring teen soap life. even if u weren't lying about everything, which you are, i would still be bored shitless by it. learn to shrink it down to maybe a paragraph or two.

Blanc said: 

These are very good examples of some basic panic attacks 

 

mine sometimes include dissociation which makes them look a little different but I’ve had this standard ones as well and this is exactly to the T accurate representations of *some* of them 

 

though I’ve had others that look quite different 

 so this is what u watch to give u an idea of how to fake distress. niccce

"the closest i've gotten to an apology, was, just recently like a week or two ago. my mom was saying to me, about how she knows that "we fucked up" as parents... like, she admits that she fucked, me, up. she used that wording specifcally. "we fucked you up." she knows "we did parenting wrong" and she knows that's why i'm in therapy now. like the trauma, that i went through of them, "raising" me... the consequences of that are now showing you know. 

and she's connected the dots. it's "ptsd or whatever" from "trauma or whatever" as she puts it. 

she doesn't want to be too direct and just say, "i'm sorry that you have ptsd from what we've done to you." "

this is one of the most pathetic things i've ever read. do u have any idea how many people never get any kind of resolution or apology, and you're bitching that she didn't say it exactly as you wanted? i honestly think ur issue stems from ur parents spoiling the shit out of you, and you slowly growing up and realised that ur face is a cube and you're not attractive. the delusion your parents armed you with is now breaking u down, u cant accept being mediocre so now u have a painful internal battle. in a way they did fuck u up, probably told u that ur pretty, intelligent, interesting etc and it must be hard to come to terms with the reality that u have no personality.

Blanc said: 

Fuck i just finished the entire entry and then accidentallysomehow deleted all of it with one fucking button i accidentally pressed on my fucking keyboard and i can’t undo or redo it to make it come back or anything like that 

 

-.- 

 Okay I"m going to re-type everything I lost here. But chronilogigly that. this, journal post goes here ^ where this quoted one was left as a place holder for it. lol. 

So I in the post before it I was talking about what i discussed in therapy that day and, and i got to the part about my mom having trauma and it affecting her relationship with me. 

she goes cold and distant naturally, and it in turn makes me feel futile, just as she expresses her own feelings of futility about me to my face. and that existential dread and depression sort of eats me alive and i become hopeless and want to use drugs for that reason- coupled with the pain and anxiety and wanting to escape- and the overwhelming thoughts and feelings, and circumstantial shit going on. together it's just a lot. 

so yeah she told me the reason i have that feeling of hopelessness and futility about the future is just a... "something" but I can't remember the word she used, perhaps defense mechanism or something along those lines... but whatever it was it alleviated a lot of the pressure that it had on me and my depression that day, as i had been up all night the night before sort of feeling it really heavy. it lifted the weight but, i can't remmeber now what it was so i'll have to ask again. 

so that struck a nerve, talking abotu my mom struck a nerve- and how she treats me, and how it makes me feel. and talking about my drug addiction struck a nerve. 

also when she asked me about how my mom reacted to things, i told her one time they disowned me but that i did'nt want to talk about it- as i knew i would burst into tears if i did. so that also struck a nerve. i'll talk about the homelessness and everything that went down another time. 

she tried to touch on the fact i was gay and how there was a large contrast between my parents and I, just viewpoint wise. but i kind of dodged the topic because that also struck a nerve. 

and then i told her there was something i forgot to mention pertaining to memories surfacing from the EMDR topic we were currently on, to help me with my anxiety and panic attacks. we are working through just the trauma with my ex boyfriend specifically right now an di told her i remember more memories about things he'd done to me but that we could discuss it next time to put on the list of traumatic memories with Leo to work through in EMDR lol. 

because we ran out of time. 

i think that quickly summarizes everything we talked about. and then she made me promise i would go to NA meetings every night so that I don't have to go back to rehab, and asked me if I still felt suicidal- because i told her the existential dread thing and depression abotu the future being futile bla bla bla makes me really suicidal in culmination with everything else like i mentioned- internal and external bad things going on. so yeah i told her i wasn't still suicidal but. 

then later that evening i began to feel suicidal again, so this is two nights in a row now i was having like suicidal ideation and. yeah so i left the session feeling quite sad about all the things we had discussed i felt "broken up" if that makes sense and i just wanted to come to pieces and cry but I had to hold it together one more hour to go out to eat with family. so i managed. though my mom was being cold and distant and hateful toward me during this and it was making it relaly hard but. 

then my dad decided to tell me that he was pulling the plug on me, because he doesn't see any improvement externally and i'm not discussing what i discuss in therapy- he can't tell it's improving anything so he wants to like stop paying for it. and he also said that he wants to stop helping me financially with my apartment once the lease is up so that leaves me unable to stay there. 

and i just sort of flipped out, he started ranting about the bible and stuff as usual and... i'm just sitting tehre feeling really misunderstood. i don't know how to tell him the therapy is working i just need time, and the reason i don't discuss everything i discuss in therapy yet is because i'm not ready i'm not done processing it. i tried exlaining this to my mom the other week when she got mad at me for not talking about it and telling her every detail as well. and she also threatened me with pulling th eplug on my apartment and the therapist if i didn't talk about it as well. it was stressful the way she did it and i just started crying and i told her, "i give up. i'm so tired, i just can't do this anymore." aka arguing and fighting for a way for them to support me and like me again enough to take care of things the way that would be helpful to me. 

i tried for so long to get out of here and it was really hard and i put so much work into it and it was a huge improvement so for all of that to backfire and for me to go back to living at home that's like a huge step back for me and puts me in a really stressful place, it's not mentally healthy for me here at all and it's just over all a square one sort of thing is how it feels but. i was just so tired at the time that i literally just told her fine. whatever. like i didn't want to argue about it anymore i just wanted to be left alone so i told her whatever i give up just, take it all away i don't care. take my car, take my keys, take my apartment. sell everything i own, sell my bed my car, sell my computer my phone my ipad. i do not care anymore. i just don't care anymore. 

i'm tired of them holding this shit over my head just to get things out of me. i told her i can't tell her what im talking about with my thearpist yet because i'm not even done processesing right now and it's not presentable at this time i'm still going through it so it's confusing i dont even have the words to express half of it. its just not ready but wheni am i will i told her. 

anyway so, yeah my dad pulled that shit on me basically, and i'm just like whatever... and i just feel really alone and misunderstood by my parents and, i dunno i feel misunderstood by people here as well because i was getting like blasted on here in that stupid thread aubrieta made about me not being really gay and shit and, meanwhil ei'm sitting there in so much pain on the edge of tears about the shit i've gone through because of being gay and how hard it is living at home in the closet and everything going on .. it's just been a lot. 

but i just have been in a lot of pain like, anxiety, and depression, and just physical, and emotional pain. and i just broke down that night after my dad talked to me about pulling the plug, and i felt trapped and like i had no options and, even tho my therapist told me to ignore the futility it doesn't really make it go away or make me not beleive it, it doesn't make me less suicidal and.. i just wanted to kill myself i was in so much internal pain. 

i went to an NA meeting like i was supposed to and the people in there also misunderstood me, because i've relapsed so many times... i went and said the thing my therapist told me to say. to come clean about the fact i relapsed. there was power in that and it felt good to just be admitting it. but it was kind of 50/50 the responses i got there. some were glad i was there and just were supportive and then othe rpeople were like taking a literal shit on me and were angry with me... which you know is understandable. they're sick of me relapsing. but i just really didn't need the tough love talk tonight, i was already feeling really misunderstood and alone like i said and this just furthered that feeling and pushed me further over the brink into suicide and using, and self harm. 

and when i went home i just went straight to my room and i just started crying and saying "i can't do this anymore, i can't do this anymore, i can't do this anymore, i can't i can't i can't i can't" and having a mental breakdown on the floor and sobbing. 

because i really wanted to use, to avoid suicide and, i really wanted to die and... it was just overwhelming. the pain. and everything and i, couldn't escape it or cope with it etc... but i was just trying not to use so instead i had to just feel it all you know and i couldn't handle it so. just broke down and writhed in pain sobbing for a while. 

so that was fun. 

ok that was what the tissue box was needed for *dabs tears* that's all. 

but anyway, so yeah i got through it. and... then the next morning.... i had to go pick up my meds and, do my hair. because i had dreads again. so i spent like several hours getting the dreads out of my head and then... yeah after that i was really tired and i just took a bubble bath. 

and remembered what my therapist said to me abuot taking care of myself and..