Sociopath Community

It's always battles between different aspects in my head. There's always those dark sexual desires that while yes I'd like to roleplay with a partner if I should ever about such, but then there's a part of me that wants to erase any of that from the fiber of my being. 


Aspects of me desire a relationship but other aspects do not, I feel something that personal should be pushed away. I'd rather be something unobtainable, I'd rather not lust for such things and just purely focus on other things but they mix together and intertwine. 

It's a strange thought coming to my mind, but if I was ever able to just shape shift into different things, though I don't really see myself as part of trans, the idea of being able to take on multiple forms and one of those being female is interesting to me. 


What's also strange is my weird thoughts about dreaming of a female version of myself, imagining myself with female characteristics. 

I imagine having that voice, doing the singing and dancing as I laugh at the horror and terror of those, even though that's not what the snow miser is obviously, it's the idea, the themes, concepts whatever you want to say as much. 


Obviously these are rambles, and I do not think that these thoughts can be "real" or ever obtained, even if currently they make their stay in my skull. 

This is my own hell and I get to be looked at as some sort of specimen though obviously I'm the luckiest one of all. I'm boring as hell and I barely fit within this community.

I'm on a path to mind shattering self destruction and horror and I can't tell if that is real or not, or what I think and feel, or who I am is real or not. I can't tell that's why this is the only way, and I need to ACCELERATE THE PROCESS

It's all absurd, it's all surreal, and maybe I'm in denial but I really don't care. It's funny to me. I just imagine some people here having a terrible fate just like me, and I laugh as they experience the worst thing imaginable along with me. 

Of course this has some sort of attention seeking function to, it that's undeniable even though I hate opening too much.

It's annyoying as HELL HELL

It was going good in the beginning, and it's looking ass even though realistically, I've progressed more since when I made this thread. 

My goals all the same, just rambling nonsense garbage. I still wish to learn as much, travel, and unlock secrets that exist if any. 

Maybe my creativity, my hunger, my thinking will expand when I acquire psychedelics and my ambitions grow bigger. 

I think the main thing is the only real important goal as silly as that sounds is acquiring psychdelics and taking it as I can't think of any other option. Therapy just doesn't work, I hate therapists, I don't trust them. Only I alone can fix my issues and perhaps working it out internally with the use of psychedelics and help me reach my potential. 

I realized I spoke about this shit a year ago, wanting to fuck a female version of me, being compared to Bateman, etc. All strange. Since then I think whatever mask I try to hold up here, is slightly slipping in terms of being a calm, nice human creature with wholesome ambitions. 

I've secured a good job that will help me in my career. Granted, I don't know if it will satisfy me, but its something that is good income and a field I at least have interest in, even if my dreams are way more irreal and possibly unobtainable. 


I'll have to practice Taqiyya as this field is filled with what I can only soulless demonic parasitism, and I know I will probably develop a prejudice against those in this environment. 

My ambitions delusional, and I find it hard to connect with others on a level that is satisfactory to me. I feel as though I'll always be alone, and I have confused thoughts about self image, and a strong urge to force myself in celibacy 

With this income, I will save up to travel the world, I will try to learn of the various theologies, and find syncretism in philosophy, science, and theology. If there were such things as magical secrets of power, then I hope someday to achieve such.

I know my real fantasy to create a machine god, and merge myself with it, will probably never come to fruition, but in my deluded euphoric fantasies of eye watering esctasy and foggy indescrible feelings and thoughts I may sustain myself, even if it mixes with my urge to destroy those I deem as evil.


I'm not as much as a gamer as most and I really need to experience the medium more. Like Morrowind and Deus Ex. I take inspirations in my head of vague details I've discovered, and this plays in my head.


Even if I hate gamers as culture thing but mostly because of how it and the rest of the internet has manifested itself in the West, lack of personhood, spiraling into digitized hell that consumes one and corrupts you the longer you sit chronically online allowing it to eat at you. Evil Evil Degeneracy Decadence, Twisted Corrupted Abhorrent things that was perfectly crafted by the CIA and its clientele to propagandize, control, and encourage this.

Lonely angry men online turn into incels and other mutants and become mass shooters most likely through careful planning.

Etc etc Lots and LOTS and LOTS of shit. 


I am no exception, I don't claim to be a real prophet, I don't claim to be as intelligent, its a journey, I merely speak of what is conking me in my SKULL 

I may just be another delusional retard to be laughed at, perhaps one day I'll show up on Kiwifarms Whose to Say Whose to Know Who can tell?

The more I rot in this HELL, the more I want to ESCAPE, My dreams of AI ascension become curbed with this scary HELL, I dream of my cult and I getting property, if I can even lead my cult, I sometimes feel as though I would only hurt them, and that maybe I'm doomed to be secluded in the wild by myself, even if I have grand visions of khanhood and to build something beautiful and grand.