Sociopath Community

I'd be willing to meet people from here at some point if that ever was something somebody wanted to do, but generally I keep my interactions with you all limited, as the idea of opening up more about me as an individual although I have been bit by bit, I feel has to be very controlled. Anonboards or online social communities in general I barely participate in, as in the past I had awful experiences, and so I try to keep everything at arms length. The closest I've ever been in regards to this community is when I was in a call with Trypt, Alice, Peach and Blanc. 

you sound like you're having a rough time

reading through your first few posts here, it's clear to me that you have some sort of pent-up energy that you try to suppress or release, or even convince yourself that you shouldn't have. you're tapping into childhood personality formation while also expressing homocidal ideation, and also angry at sympathy and pity because it's demeaning. you're decompressing which is a good thing, but you are also very wound up. i'm not sure how you're supposed to come down a bit

Tryptamine said: 

reading through your first few posts here, it's clear to me that you have some sort of pent-up energy that you try to suppress or release, or even convince yourself that you shouldn't have. you're tapping into childhood personality formation while also expressing homocidal ideation, and also angry at sympathy and pity because it's demeaning. you're decompressing which is a good thing, but you are also very wound up. i'm not sure how you're supposed to come down a bit

 I find myself to be all over and inconsistent, this morning on the way to work I started having weird crisis thoughts of existence and everything but overall today was great and I actually love my job I got, and in my mind I got grand plans to rise through the ladder, even if I consider the business I work for to be demonic. 

My response to the video above

I don't watch a lot of anime, and what I'm talking about made me cringe, but I watched Chainsaw Man and the whole perversion of the main character and wanting to squeeze tits and shit I find funny but ultimately not something I can relate to, the whole pet thing where he's treated like a dog made my face contort, but it did make me think about the weird fantasy I have of laying my head in an angel's lap as they caress my face assuring me that I was good, and made many achievements in my existence. I remember when I was in school, at some points in my life, a girl would touch my hair and play with it from behind, and that feeling just felt so amazing, insert roast about the touch of a woman here. I mean I guess I desire romance and to have someone special, and yea I'd like to be pet, I like the feeling of my neck and back of my head being tingled. I'd want physical asmr. 

Though obviously, I'm in no rush, and I'll try to get into dating just aspects of me don't want to, and I feel as though in the end, I'm destined to be alone, not because of women or anything, just as something personal about me, I feel as though I am alone in this existence, and perhaps I'll never get to be as close as I'd like. Who knows, only time could tell. I just have a tendency to be paranoid, when I tried using dating app shit, I deleted it because I had too much anxiety regarding opening up a DM as I didn't trust the people swiping right, or whatever. There's a lot in my mind and body that I feel as though needs to be fixed and perfected prior to trying to be someone's SO



This song comes to mind regarding it. I guess it's a weird fantasy to have. 

You can lay your head on my lap.

A beautiful song that makes my eyes water, I return to this grand dream of somehow ascending to be the God Emperor or at least try to build the foundations for something akin to a grand Imperium, albeit it through something akin to Eurasianism if possible, there's much to understand, and maybe I speak like a rambling mad man. 

I often think of how if I actually obtained power, would I abuse it? Would I become the very thing I detest? I fear of what perversions would come out, and it annoys me. I have thoughts that I do not want, that persist and I try to destroy them, I've been getting better at resisting the urges I view as degenerate and demonic. I just hope that if I were to rise, that I would be able to stay true to my own vision, I think on these things a lot to remind myself, to try to maintain consistency.

I do not dream of power for greed, not for power's own sake, I do not wish to become a god, solely to be a god and do whatever it is I please, its not even necessarily that I wish to be "GOD". I'd rather be an instrument, an avatar of my ideas. If my friends and I lose contact, then I know what I will most likely do, as I doubt any of them would follow me in my insane adventure I wish to partake on. If so, then they would have my eternal gratitude for standing with me.

I am not great, not yet. Much to be done, much to achieve. Perhaps I'll die without obtaining all of my goals but so long as my goals are known, and my courage and dedication to try can set the foundation for inspiration in others, then maybe one day someone else could achieve what I couldn't and create something grand and beautiful.

Maybe I speak of delusions and I'm just a rambling idiot.