It would appear the place I am trying to get therapy at has a wait list, and I'm already someone who dislikes bothering with bs. It's easy for me to call this some magical sign that I don't need therapy and that I am fine, and I just need to get my shit together on my own.
I told them I'd like to be on the wait list regardless because I know how fucking stupid I can be. I just want to get fit, and learn Russian. Life here becomes more and more irritating, this life I live is irritating. I have grand dreams that may never materialize but I would love to die trying rather than waste away in this cesspool of decay around me.
I know I'll never be like him entirely, and I don't want to be, aspects of him I disagreed with, but he still allures me, as I too have a fascination with the steppes, Sternberg was justifiably executed for the shit he tried to pull, I still admire him in some ways regardless, biased as that may be.
I dream to visit the Mausoleum of Genghis Khan.
One day.
Yesterday was a year since I found myself in a ward. A strange time in my life. Things feel like its repeating though, as I've felt strange again, and just a lot of confusion on what is really me and what isn't. Luckily, I have a therapy appointment scheduled for next monday, and I am going to have to force myself to go and keep going. Even though, I hold a lot of distrust and parts of me want to just disregard it and say "oh well nothings actually wrong with me" then downplay it all.
Trying to work on getting a new job again, so that I can actually save up and get out. Urges to obtain Acid and see what happens have been strong.
I vaguely recall a conversation with TC years ago that probably was true to some degree, though I am probably misinterpreting such. It was about my fascination with certain fictional and nonfictional characters that reflect my views and perhaps to some degree I act like them? Mimic them? Perhaps I am wrong and that wasn't the conversation, I don't want to assume. I just don't know who I am. I've had some weird homicidal thoughts recently, and I want to kill my brother but I refuse to. I keep having weird fantasies of being a serial killer. It's edgy, it's retarded, and no I don't view myself as some sort of sociopath. Though, if I could get away with murder. I probably wouldn't hesitate, since the victims of my serial killings would be pedophiles and other fucks if I had that power, but obviously as I sit here typing to this void it's painfully obvious that I may never achieve the dreams that plague my skull and constantly rage behind my eye sockets, giving me headaches and confusion. Even thinking about it creates an obsession and headache and further confusion.
My father figure died when I was 9, and I never really fit in too well with school, was always bad at socializing, especially with girls. I grew up essentially a loner and while I had friends, they all actually had hobbies and hung out together after school. I kind of just rotted in isolation. So maybe these all contribute a lot to whatever it is I suffer from. I just don't know who I am, I question memories. I question what is truly me. If the things I feel are real, what my true purpose in life is, what to do. A lot of things really. If I watch a show that I like it can put me into a different theme and dream. I have an aesthetic I desire, that is never truly 100% defined and it annoys me. I dream of it. I don't know to create it if that makes any sense.
Perhaps its rambling nonsense. 21 years going on 22 soon of what has felt like a bunch of meaningless garbage and its hard to justify such an existence.
Sympathy and pity drive me insane, I can't stand how anyone would want such things. It's why I try not to talk about these things with people around me because I feel inferior, and when people give their sympathy and pity. I can't help but get angry, but hide it. Delete what I say, and say everything is fine, and I'll be okay, and thank you. It makes me angry that there is even an aspect of me that's like this. I hate it. Especially when its hard to trust people, and at times I think they're being fake.
Just songs I've posted before that play in my head from time to time and that I extrapolate some relevance somehow even if completely irrational and nonsensical to aspects of whoever it may be that I am.
Another one that speaks some weird thing to me, where I imagine my crusade of sorts and in the end of it all, when I die being caressed while laying my head in the lap of an angel, or maybe not when I'm dead but unconscious or something who knows. It's LARP. It's delusional perhaps? I have no clue.
Maybe there's no depth to me, and I am merely just a simple automaton that repeats things, short-circuiting as TC once described me, doomed to never speak anything meaningful, and that those who look up to me as some sort of role model are just delusions in my head and don't exist.
The only interpretation of yourself you should seek is your own. You sum up your entire existance from people you have never met in your life, and expect something to change?
You will continue to manifest this persona until YOU decide to change thought patterns.
visceral normality
The only interpretation of yourself you should seek is your own. You sum up your entire existance from people you have never met in your life, and expect something to change?
You will continue to manifest this persona until YOU decide to change thought patterns.
I in this moment do not think I sum my entire existence up via the words of someone whom I don't know, I merely speak to myself and bring up things said, and the thing with TC is just something that came to mind, perhaps noteworthy. I brought it up as a potential truth to who I am now. I don't know. I have a lot of uncertainty. I question what is the real me because I don't know what direction to go in. I have a lot of thoughts, conflicting, contradicting. It's foggy up there. I tend to try to self-analyze, and self-critique as much as possible, and perhaps at some point due to that, and due to weird psychological shit I ended up uncertain on what is really me, assuming that's even how psychology works. I don't know what to make of these things. I constantly question the validity of what I say about me, or what others may say about me.
What thought pattern is there to really change to? Do I just arbitrarily pick what mythos I've created inside of my head is real, and what path to go down? It's hard to base it purely off a feeling as feelings contradict and I question the reality of what it is I am feeling. I don't know if what I say is coherent or if I am making any sense to you with this.
The only interpretation of yourself you should seek is your own. You sum up your entire existance from people you have never met in your life, and expect something to change?
You will continue to manifest this persona until YOU decide to change thought patterns.
I in this moment do not think I sum my entire existence up via the words of someone whom I don't know, I merely speak to myself and bring up things said, and the thing with TC is just something that came to mind, perhaps noteworthy. I brought it up as a potential truth to who I am now. I don't know. I have a lot of uncertainty. I question what is the real me because I don't know what direction to go in. I have a lot of thoughts, conflicting, contradicting. It's foggy up there. I tend to try to self-analyze, and self-critique as much as possible, and perhaps at some point due to that, and due to weird psychological shit I ended up uncertain on what is really me, assuming that's even how psychology works. I don't know what to make of these things. I constantly question the validity of what I say about me, or what others may say about me.
What thought pattern is there to really change to? Do I just arbitrarily pick what mythos I've created inside of my head is real, and what path to go down? It's hard to base it purely off a feeling as feelings contradict and I question the reality of what it is I am feeling. I don't know if what I say is coherent or if I am making any sense to you with this.
Makes perfect sense to me, you described the undescribable. To be honest, I find commonality within your depiction. Separating yourself from fiction and lies you've told yourself since birth is not an easy task. I don't know who I am, nor what my future looks like, but I am satisfied with my current state. I trust myself to adapt, and I know my breaking points. There are certain limits you need to find within yourself before you find something promising. Let me preface this by saying that I am not a psychologist, but given being in a similar circumstance, therapy doesn't help this "Grey area" of finding yourself (at least in my case.) Be your own method of finding yourself, not everyone is made the same. I've watched countless YouShit videos on how to find sanctity within introspection, and to sum it up, nobody fucking knows how they got to be the person they are now. All they know is the specific method that they found to be tolerable, or enjoyable. Experiment with what feels like you, and the rest will follow.
T. Armchair psychologist
visceral normality
Can you do a tl;dr?
Unfortunately, it's hard for me to compress something that is pretty vague to begin with. I guess if you want the most simplistic thing.
I don't know what is real to me and what isn't, and I have various different thoughts that collide and contradict. My own feelings can be rather inconsistent and make no sense. I could have tears slightly strolling down my face as I look in the mirror and think I am worthless and a monster, and then seconds later I can start laughing and play it off as nothing but a joke, some sort of fake feeling. Then, I can get confused and annoyed because then its as if its essentially two voices talking and I don't know which one is real.
Tl;dr to this Tl;dr. I am a confused person.
Filling out some online paperwork for this therapy shit, and I can already feel it. "You don't need therapy, this is a waste of time and money. They'll lie to you and put you on pills." I have to fill out some consent form for "telehealth options" I want face to face, if it's not face to face then I want nothing to do with it it. I have no privacy. Why the hell would I want to get on zoom and talk to a therapist about my issues, which involves family, in a household with family that could hear me. I remember I tried talking to a therapist over the phone, and the house got unnervingly quiet, and I could tell it was my family listening in, and it pissed me off. I already get violent thoughts of murdering them, why the hell would I want to have to relive those thoughts when they won't mind their own god damn business?
The therapists look like mutants too, all I see are muppets with satan's hand shoved up their ass. Everyone looks deformed and not human, they have weird soul dead eyes, it makes me want to shoot them. It's why I want out of this god damn area. I'd show a picture of one to emphasize what I mean, but I don't need any chance of anyone finding anything to potentially point them in the direction of my material reality.
It's hard for me not to consider that perhaps I just won't get any meaningful help out of this area because everyone around me is daemonic and that I am just going to have to force myself to get shit done, and get the fuck out otherwise I might as well just fill my car up with propane tanks, and bags of feces and nails and crash into a gas station and explode.
last edit on
4/19/2022 7:48:12 PM