Strange, I stumbled upon this song, and aspects, themes, etc describe my mental state? Like TV static...
List of things to work on.
Fix my feet.
Fix my sleep to prevent any potential automobile accidents from dozing off on the road, and to clear my head better.
Get a good job and save up to move out.
Get back into reading.
Get back into exercise
Figure out who I even am.
Move towards getting towards my dreams and goals and life, once I've hammered out what I am going to do first.
I don't think this place is really a means by which I could actually achieve any sense of progression. Quite the contrary actually, there are some people here I enjoy, though I must confess I see this as nothing more than the consequences of classical liberalism fused with the internet which was a project crafted by the government originally as some form of communication, but now it is the perfect tool to propagandize and spread misinformation. Getting sucked into social media causes mental issues, there is a rapid accumulation of information that is no filtered, it all leads to the psychosis that already exists under the capitalist system and the internet is means by which to reflect and concentrate such, the longer you let it consume you and your daily life.
https://twitter.com/InfraHaz/status/1482201139760218116
This song and this tweet only compound my point. This forum is merely evidence of such.
You will find no humanity in this hole of depravity and darkness.
I have been scarred from growing up on it, and it has inflicted something on my psyche I cannot entirely understand, I am trying to break away.
The Great Satan continues to feast on all our souls.
Li Yang is probably the most sane here, and that's saying something since he hates me for my communist beliefs. Cav is the most lost, a Chinese in America embracing western values, using what money he has to indulge in his demented, depraved hedonism. I would not raise a family in this hellscape. Call me a romanticizer of the East, impose what liberalism has infested your brain upon me. You will continue to be miserable so long as you let this satanic shit consume you.
I wish you all luck in your endeavors. Knowing my track record, this won't be the last time I find myself here as this is just a continuous hell for me.
May Tryptamine be alright. I am seeking therapy myself, even if I distrust it as daemonic partially.
That will be all from me, for now, or hopefully forever.
I tried therapy, it lead nowhere, I can't speak to a bitch whom I look at and see as off. Not to mention, the policies, and such prevent me from being honest, so I can't be honest, and my mind likes to turn against me if I try to be honest, I start censoring myself, and lying.
I only have a group of friends online who look up to me or just get a long real well with me, if you want to believe that. I fear I could lose them with my continous spiral down into my own crazed thoughts. It's hard not to feel absurd, not to feel surreal. Everything gets confusing, the lines blurred. As a result, I can't actually connect with anyone on a deep and personal level. They have no clue what to say, and I fear I would somehow shatter their minds. Like I've hurt someone in the past doing to some degree. If you can believe that, understand I speak from my mind, and what I perceive, you can question it, but I'd ask you to hypothetically accept what I speak of as what goes down, should you choose to interact with me, because otherwise no point really.
An example, and this isn't to paint me as some potential badass, I'm sure I fit somewhere, I don't entirely want to believe I'm an anomaly. Even if perhaps some form of pride in me would like to think so, but when I was in a psychward a year and almost a half ago, I scared my violent autistic roommate because my entire experience being there was of laughter and carelessness, I laughed in the face of a 6'5-6'7 big schizo dude who threatened to kill me, and then he laughed with me and we became friends. My roommate who has been in wards consistently has told me that my behavior isn't normal, and is very much concerning. Though obviously that's just from an autistic guy, not a professional, which mind you the staff barely tried to interact with me, they didn't try to dive deep into my life, or diagnose me, they just treated me like shit, then billed me.
If I ever find a psycho-analyst, the freudo-lacan types, then maybe that's where I'll try to be truthful, that's the field in particular that interests me the most.
Maybe that's a bias, idk.
This is just a ramble.
I get intrusive thoughts of questioning who I am, and if others are to be trusted, it feels so strange, the interactions I have with people feel fake, its like I'm in American Psycho. I don't fucking get it. I don't know how to get out of it, and there's no one I can connect with, so it's just very isolating. I feel detached from everyone and this world, it drives me fucking insane. I have grand dreams, and I need to get this shit under wraps if I want to get anywhere.
Hopefully this semester of college can help me stay grounded and get shit together.
š¤ I am struggling with connecting with other people and feeling like I am a damaging influence on myself and other people too, you are not alone I do not see therapy as daemonic though and I am presently interested in Internal Family Systems therapy, and I would recommend a trauma therapist if you have ever been through something traumatic I need to find a new therapist because I recently lost faith in Christianity so it would be awkward to continue with the Christian trauma therapist that I used to have lol
I can't even play video games, I can with friends but barely. It's all boring meaningless garbage to me. I'm still trying to get a job. I have been slowly getting back into socialization. I hung out with others that I haven't really seen since High School, and I got cross-faded as fuck and made them all laugh with my ramblings. One of them is a girl who thinks she could be god, which I mean who knows? Maybe she is. She tells me she can manifest things and I want to witness it if so.
Other than that, the mice are back, and naturally the homicidal thoughts return, headaches more frequent, with my eyes leaking, and unwanted thoughts of harming my friends. Plus I've been watching Dahmer on Netflix which is interesting.
I still don't know if I am capable of murdering another person, I constantly think about killing the sex offenders and other degenerates in my area, and I'm convinced the apocalypse is coming, and I have a group of people who believe me, and align with my views.
Granted, I'm aware we're youthful, hell is much worse than just purely thinking about it, with dark humor and laughing like a maniac, there's a big difference between imagining it and being in it, so I try to be as real and self aware as I can with myself, and recognize anything I might want will probably end up in a violent, dark end with all those who I think I care about getting slaughtered, and maybe I'll cry like a bitch in the end. Who knows?
I'm not trying to say I'm some psychopath because I'm not. I don't think I'm quirky, or cool. I am indifferent, just rambling about the constant shit inside my head. Some of these are my dreams, and goals, and I am nowhere near being capable or ready for such.
I wanted to get therapy, but it's hard when I can't even talk about the thoughts I get towards specific people around me without their policy requiring them to call the police. So, if I can't fucking talk about that shit without getting in trouble, how the hell am I supposed to be honest and get help? I can't. I'm sorry that it's hard for me to care for my waste of space, methhead brother who is a constant nuisance to my life and drives me to want to fucking stab him in the neck.
I just hope I can move away eventually when I get money, I feel like a better environment could clear up most of these bad thoughts that persist.
I wonder how different it'd be conversing with TC compared to how things were 3 years ago. I think some aspects would remain, since I like to analyze myself or try to a lot, and I speak as if I'm like Patrick Bateman at times which is pretty ridiculous.
I mean I think it should be kind of obvious who I am, given my constant ramblings. I didn't go into the military, but I still consider it, but I'd go army instead and that's only so I can have training incase shit hits the fan more so than some group which at times I wish I had contact with my leader just to speak to him and see how things are, even if he arguably fucked me over slightly. I have my own crazed ambitions in my skull, and a group of people who seemingly want to join me on my adventures.
Just figured I'd share this since it's an edit I love.
last edit on
10/1/2022 3:38:06 PM
Due to my unwillingness to actually engage in a convo at the time, I'll move it here since it's autistic to just bring it up after in my view.
I think Turncoat and Trypt speak a lot of truth, though I like to imagine I'm at least somewhat evolved than before when TC and I would argue, probably not the case though if I have to even ask speak such a thing.
I think self-hate is prevalent to some degree, less so than before as I become more and more uncaring with my actions that would normally make me feel guilt, but there's always time for another mental break if somehow that all floods back to me whose to say really.
Butter called me a male blanc, which honestly probably fits like a glove, who knows. I like to ramble a lot that is true. The whole desire for a structured society prevails in some cases, and in others I just find myself not caring anymore, though I don't want to indulge in some form of hedonism as a result of that. I'm hoping that things will stay smooth and I won't get too out of control, since I'd like to imagine my friends who follow me won't end up turning on me, though if that's the case I guess I'll have to accept it as is.
The thoughts do come from I guess anger, and then sadism, there's other aspects that I try to open up about but refrain from since I hate this digital footprint to begin with, and I'm trying not to make it any worse.
Psychedelics as mentioned very interesting, and I wish to see what effect they'll have on me. I'm open to leaving it up to fate to decide where I land when I take it, I'm sure the chances of me having a bad trip, and potential psychosis could be strong but I'm not really scared. I'd like to imagine it might be helpful with introspection, I don't entirely expect some divine revelation from it, though religion is still something I wish to look into, and perhaps psychedelics could be helpful in reading religious texts and other things really. I can't really say.
Just an aesthetic edit that is playing in my head over and over, because I find humor and beauty in it.