I have to force some form of structure and identity upon myself, and integrate into society. Won't be easy. I'll have to learn shit on my own and it'll be hard but it's better than rotting away here until I explode. It's the only way I'll achieve my dreams.
I have to develop a routine if I even can. I'm basically seeking to just undermine my own mind and issues,
I guess regardless of whether or not I see this, there's something to learn from therapy. I guess I'll try to commit, but the cost is what I dislike. I don't think I need it, even though that's probably some delusion right now. I'm just enjoying a white russian trying to plan how I am going to beat myself into a routine that makes me an efficient member of society. Just until I get out and go do what I must.
I just hope applying to a different walmart and acting like I've never worked there will magically work, as the last one I worked at had a fucking shitty database system, and I kind of quit without any notice because after missing work for a week from being in the crazy bin, I didn't want to go back to that understaffed shithole.
The one I "want" to work at is better. I just don't want to be confronted on that past mistake. If it happens, I got a back up plan, and I'll probably just walk out if I decide to even go through with it.
I went back to mid to early 2019 from the days of when TC would go into any thread I made to argue with me. I had some dumb ideas, aspects of that still fill my head and are prevalent. I can't be certain if I entirely understand take what they said to heart. I'd have to re-read and try to re-experience it all and hold it within my skull. It was time that is defunct. Alice tried to help inspire something in me, and I want to get shit done. She was right about asking Kairos for a favor, whether that be literal or metamorphically isn't necessarily important. I have time management issues, excessively.
I'm still somewhat zealous. I still would rather die in some grand thing and become a martyr. I am trying to be a person though. It's all quite confusing.
I'll have to try. It's strange reading previous posts of me, and my arguments with Turncoat, because I barely remember them, and they don't feel like me, but I've been confused on me for a long time.
I'm somewhat embarassed how I've acted in the past on here, I couldn't entirely express why. I've been in denial about depression, everyone saw through that I've seen posts of Blanc and Trypt pointing it out clear as day.
Beyond that, I don't know what is wrong entirely with me, I just happen to have a lot of delusional stuff I guess.
I have a therapy appointment next monday. I'll have to try to commit maybe. I don't want to be 100% open with them though, because I hate that being on record with police since that's who they'll contact if I am 100% honest.
This isn't necessarily me taking what people on this site said as gospel to me, but I'm just rambling and I do consider what they say, since I interact with this forum. Maybe its all wrong, who knows but I'm not going to blindly say it's all bullshit and just ignore it.
Let's face it, the likely scenario could be that I just fail and probably take my life, if that's the case so be it. There's part of me that laughs at the prospect because of how absurd it all really is. Though, part of me wants to go on a journey to study philosophy, and look into various religions as well as experiment with psychedelics, maybe try to pick up some hobbies like graphic design and video editing. I'd like to learn how to make crazy edits that are like shitposting schizo stuff.
I have to force myself to take things slow, to not go overboard with how I handle things, and to learn to expect mistakes and failures, that nothing magically goes right in one night. I have to remind myself that all these different thoughts, even if they might be contradicting and lead to headaches, they are potentially all a culmination of whoever it may be that I am, and rather compartmentalize them, and keep them separate and switch into these different states of mind (not necessarily personalities, nor am I assuming that the way I describe this to be accurate, as I doubt I can accurately analyze myself psychologically when I clearly can be a little out of it at times.) The point is, I need to get a job, and start building up physical strength. I have flat feet, and I am weak. I need to learn to manage such things, especially if there's a way to fix my flat feet, which hopefully I can, as the prospect of having fucked up feet that constantly hurt if I travel is suicide ideation inducing. Why fucking live when I can't travel the god damn world, or become effective at fighting to survive when my own feet are deformed?
Right? However, to take such extremes to heart and mind won't get anywhere. So I have to act calm, and be open and try to see why maybe over time, these issues that fixate in my head could be handled if I would just stop obsessing over them constantly.
I have a great many deal of aspirations and dreams and as such to manage time is a struggle, which Alice as above was right. It's definitely hard because so much I want to learn and do, and to start anywhere is a fucking difficult task, especially when I feel that something else might be useful to start out with, or I have a certain theme in my head I am obsessing over, and so I get distracted, and value some things more than others.
I need to start small, be mindful. I need to try this whole therapy shit out and not be quick to drop out.
If I do, then when I read this over, I will probably be in some sort of for lack of a better term "manic denial" as I'll be laughing it off as just dumb shit.
Comedy
I made this and sent it to TC, I don't know exactly when. It is still funny to me, but maybe I was a bit out of it? Whose to really say.
Maybe I'll get surgery to fix my deformed fucking feet, so that I can actually do shit again without having such pain that my nerves malfunction, and I feel an itch deep into my sole of my foot that makes me want to take a razor and cut into my own feet.
It is Saturday. I have a therapy session Monday. I am dreading it, while another voice says it's good, whether good for bad reasons or good reasons conflict.
Obviously, I don't hear real voices, it's more just conflicting thoughts and expressions, I talk to myself about this shit under my breathe or outloud if I'm alone. Imagine if someone heard me without me knowing. It's not like fleshed out personalities, just fragments of thoughts and expressions clashing each other, which causes pain behind my eye sockets.
There's something I want, I just don't know what is, it feels like there's something unknown nagging at me, I don't even know how to describe it, it's an aesthetic, a state of being, some knowledge, something. Words can't describe. I just want to achieve it. It's some sort of perfection that I may never meet.
As for the song, it's just nice to hear and listening to, I like the original artist too, but this English cover seems good. I can't even relate, but part of me wishes I could even if it ends in pain. I only had one relationship IRL filled with shame and regret that eats at my mind, and then sexting. I have never experienced my vision of love and romance. I fear if I did, I would be the fake terrible one that hurts my love.
Typed out a long post but I think it's too revealing. So, I deleted it. I just have lots of compounding fanciful themes and concepts stabbing me in the head. Delusions delusions. Shit that would never materialize.
Just weird obsessions with aspects of fictional universes and how much I'd want to try to make sense of them in my head to create something material.
A song from a game I've yet to play blares in my head as I see this man as something respectable.
Colliding with 2 scenes from 2 games I've yet to experience myself TRULY.
Dreams of perfection penetrate and fragment my skull. I'll never have what I want and it burns my eyes.
The idea in my head conflicts too much, I get impulsive and procrastinate never fulfilled on what it is I should be FOCUSING ON.
It's like The House That Jack Built.
I have odd obsessions in my heads to various things, cults, serial killers, gods, historical figures of change, etc.
Perhaps I just won't achieve anything, whose to say really? I sit here now with a headache drinking wine. Slightly infuriated that I still have yet to progress in my mind. Just confusion. The urge to bash my head into this desk. Frustrated and angry. Envious of others for their depth and expressions. Mine aren't my own, it's just confusions, delusions. Am I even making any sense?
It plays in my head, as I imagine the strange dreams of what I wish to achieve, as I want to see myself as a characterization of figures and personalities I can't even fully conceive.
I want perfection that I'll never have. It's eating at me.
