Reading old threads of myself are embarrassing and still aspects remain, but I like to think I've changed even if better or worse.
At least I'm not part of a larping group anymore and have ambitions for myself.
However, having been a few years and thinking on it, I really do think I want to enter the military, and my political beliefs and perception of the world has changed a bit. Even if my predictions of apocalypse are untrue, and delusional. I can't see myself regretting military service. I want to get in better shape, it has job opportunities that align with my dreams in life, great benefits, an opportunity to see the world more, even if just out of state, etc.
God Bless America.
oh is this literally ramblings? i thought u wanted advice lol
I mean advice helps, and I appreciate your advice you've given. I am going to move my money, and I will try to get them to at least accept me going into the military, and try to appease them as much as possible for a smooth transition, and then when that happens I can decide if I want them in my life or not, maybe for a time but I feel as though I'll eventually disappear from everyone I once knew.
but yes, this basically serves as one big thread of my thoughts that scream inside my head. I normally don't go looking for advice, since generally when it comes to deeper matters, anyone I know hasn't been able to offer much support in that regard, but I tend to cast it away regardless, because what is deep is inconsistent, it is weird, strange, distortions, its hard to put into words the things I mean, but I try to but I don't expect anyone to make real sense of it. It just is, I just am, and so is what is that is or rather that is what is
If I even have depth, it gets confusing sometimes and incoherrent.sounds like you're reallllllly fucking hard on yourself, obsessing over everything you dislike about yourself rather than the fact that you're in a difficult situation that is mentally draining. i'm not advising u to do this, but what would likely happen if you showed some assertive independence?
If I do shit that I want to do, they complain and moan. Not necessarily everything but like if its something like a decision I make for myself, they bitch and complain for the most part, my whole family will just collectively bitch at me, and so I'd rather just not unless absolutely necessary, because I get pretty toxic thoughts in my head.
Many like killing them, hurting them, killing myself to spite them, and just violent thoughts that are unwanted only because its hard for me to deal with the constant bitching of the most stupidest shit. It's stupid of me to get that way, but I can't help it. So, I just try to keep it as peaceful as can be. Obviously, these are thoughts, I don't see myself acting out on them, but still I just would rather avoid the conflict all together.it's not stupid of you at all, it sounds really hard to deal with..very overwhelming. do you have anything that calms you down at all when u feel these thoughts?
It's strange but I go for drives, listen to music, and talk to myself, especially if its bad, I'll be in my car potentially screaming and just talking to myself out loud going through the waves of emotions, teary eyed, angry and such.
Otherwise, I try to take my mind off of it by watching videos and playing a video game, but I know in other ways these methods affect me negatively, since I grow sick of sitting in my room all day, I grow sick of being on the internet too much.
therapy is obviously the best choice but it's not an option financially for everyone, so yea whatever helps you cope and isn't really unhealthy i would encourage. also any reason to be out of the house, whether it's work, studies, or even volunteering lol
Yea, I am going to build my plan to leave this area, I talk to a recruiter tomorrow, I'll notify my boss and try to work something out, and I'll have a talk with my family about my intentions, and just have to march through the incessant bitching and shit.
Delora said:Well I don't know Chao well but seems like they work all the time, try to use their inner world to distract themselves from said work, and puts a boundary for whatever reason between themselves and others. These would be masculine traits. Not to mention they work for the fucking military.
Sorry you lost your father figure as a child chao men need that in their lives pretty fucking badly. I hope you can cope my dude.
I'm not replying in their thread as I'd rather not flood other threads with the topic of this thread.
Ironically, the question I posed was originally for TC, as they said
Turncoat said:I think men are horrible overall, but I try to not hold it against them on a one-on-one basis unless they go full blown Spatial.
Hence why I said.
Chaotik said:What attributes do I exude that liken me to Spatial or the notion of men that you perceive? Perhaps the nature of this question is the answer to itself?
Regardless, to clear up a few things, since I know she has a cracked phone screen and skimmed through my ramblings, which is totally okay I don't expect anyone to waste their time reading what I say.
I can't say I work all the time, as I was unemployed for awhile, I was in agony trying to find work, but given this shitty area, there was nothing that I could get and admittedly I was picky, I am definitely not great. I am not in the military, the company I work for does some work for the military however, but I plan on leaving said job to enter the military, as I want to experience the military life, get the MOS I want, and become overall a more healthy, and structured person, and to just be part of a great thing with rich history. Plus it helps in my delusions of grandeur, as I dream of becoming a leader of sorts, and if apocalypse comes, the experience will help.
As for my father figure, I guess it has effected me in a big way, in general my actual dad and I have been distant, I've only see him a few times in life, and overall I feel no connection to any of my family really, I did when I was younger but that all died, when I grew bitter of everyone around me. I mean I might be wrong, I can certainly enjoy time with them from time to time, obviously family is never something black and white, but overall I just want things to go smoothly, if I can salvage it then I might, but I don't want to immediately burn a bridge. I just want to get out and see where the military takes me, someone I know is getting deployed somewhere in Asia.
Even if I don't get somewhere outside America, just seeing something new in general.
I texted my mom, I wanted to tell her in person but I jave no time to, and I did it so that she knows. I will talk to my family more in depth whenever time comew. I hate this shit. I fear them being all pitiful and try to guilt trip me. I told her I am not enlisting until I know everything can transition smoothly. If they truly care in any capacity they won't try to fuck me over.
I am done hiding about this shit. It's eating at my skull.
Good ol recruiters trying to get me to just sign the enlistment papers. They want me to come in on Tuesday and fuck myself over. I am going to wait, practice for the asvab and dlab and then sign shit and take the asvab.
I love the backhanded lies they try to sell to me. I will serve but on my terms alone.
Much to be done. Much to be done indeed, I will ace the ASVAB. I will ace the DLAB. I will dedicate my life to my dream. Regardless of ridiculousness, delusions, regardless of all odds stacked against me, even if I die looking like a fool, like a complete dumbass, if I should be erased from history, none of that matters.
All that matters is to try, divorced from reality or not. I am a weak, dumbass fuck now, but one day one day I dream of greatness.