All I can say is as a young man of 22. I dislike how I look to an extent, and I hope that I can whip myself into enough shape for the military, and through the military my appearance will improve. Military is the goal, and key to fitness, and acquiring the experience and skills I wish to have for my dreams.
It makes me teary eyed and euphoric just thinking about it all. I hope to become something amazing, and that one day with my skills maybe make a family, build a community, something of the sorts, or if I ever got big enough, carve out a great nation. Obviously, I imagine apocalypse, and warlord era America, becoming a warlord, unification wars, etc. Fanciful, delusional, etc etc etc etc.
Dreams and aspirations of grandeur. I wish to understand and learn multiple cultures, and languages, theology, philosophy, to understand humanity as a whole, and maybe find love, perhaps have a family, but those things. Those things I often wonder if I am too mad, I don't know if I can put myself into someone's love life without hurting them.
I may fail, die miserably, forever forgotten, bleed out as my light fades from my eyes, tears caressing my cheeks as I fade away into nothingness.
Whose to say what will go? I would rather die tying to achieve this incomprehensible beautiful image in my head, than not at all.
oh is this literally ramblings? i thought u wanted advice lol
I mean advice helps, and I appreciate your advice you've given. I am going to move my money, and I will try to get them to at least accept me going into the military, and try to appease them as much as possible for a smooth transition, and then when that happens I can decide if I want them in my life or not, maybe for a time but I feel as though I'll eventually disappear from everyone I once knew.
but yes, this basically serves as one big thread of my thoughts that scream inside my head. I normally don't go looking for advice, since generally when it comes to deeper matters, anyone I know hasn't been able to offer much support in that regard, but I tend to cast it away regardless, because what is deep is inconsistent, it is weird, strange, distortions, its hard to put into words the things I mean, but I try to but I don't expect anyone to make real sense of it. It just is, I just am, and so is what is that is or rather that is what is
If I even have depth, it gets confusing sometimes and incoherrent.
last edit on
1/8/2023 8:53:47 PM
Plus, I mean this is my main means of interaction with this forum. It's hard to bother participating in other conversations, especially when I can't consider my input to be of much value or meaning to any of yours' satisfactions. Especially, when I tend to fixate inward.
I don't know much of anyone here, so commenting on something feels out of place. Topics on the what is to be done about Med, would be impossible for me to speak on, as why stop at Med? When if we're going to kill her, there is so much more to be killed, so much more decisions to make.
In my delusions of grandeur, I often wonder what I would do if the lives contained in this forum were in my hands, and I imagine letting some go, and killing the rest, but then I often wonder what right do I have to let any of you live? If anything, its my obligation to give you all mercy and crush you in my palm, for the safety of mankind and yourselves. Out of love, pure love. Or not as a smirk on my face but haha. It wouldn't happen, but some here definitely delenda est maybe even I
Granted, its delusional fanciful speech, and if I met anyone here from here, I'm sure I'd be more warm and even more civil than I already act, even if I get thoughts in my head that its all demonic. It's all evil. It makes my eyes water as I imagine the beauty of making furniture, gathering the building materials, making art, all of it. I have no skills in that regard though, that's the only thing.
last edit on
1/8/2023 9:05:48 PM
I contacted the trainer I worked with when I was getting ready for the marines, the goal is to talk to the recruiter about my options and shit, and from there I will try to switch to a position that is part time at my company, and I will either try to finish up my college classes before I go in, or see about doing college while in, or just drop out which I'd prefer not to do, since I did that last time. Even though, I don't give a fuck about the associates I'm getting as its practically worthless to me, IT certs > associates degree and I'd rather just go for a bachelor's / master's in Computer Science while in or when I get out.
It just depends on my patience, the time it takes for me to get into shape, and whatever other factors. I plan on waiting till my MOS is available if it isn't, I also need to get some study material for ASVAB and the DLAB since my goal is to master both as much as possible. I got a lot of things I need to create a schedule and prep for.
oh is this literally ramblings? i thought u wanted advice lol
I mean advice helps, and I appreciate your advice you've given. I am going to move my money, and I will try to get them to at least accept me going into the military, and try to appease them as much as possible for a smooth transition, and then when that happens I can decide if I want them in my life or not, maybe for a time but I feel as though I'll eventually disappear from everyone I once knew.
but yes, this basically serves as one big thread of my thoughts that scream inside my head. I normally don't go looking for advice, since generally when it comes to deeper matters, anyone I know hasn't been able to offer much support in that regard, but I tend to cast it away regardless, because what is deep is inconsistent, it is weird, strange, distortions, its hard to put into words the things I mean, but I try to but I don't expect anyone to make real sense of it. It just is, I just am, and so is what is that is or rather that is what is
If I even have depth, it gets confusing sometimes and incoherrent.
sounds like you're reallllllly fucking hard on yourself, obsessing over everything you dislike about yourself rather than the fact that you're in a difficult situation that is mentally draining. i'm not advising u to do this, but what would likely happen if you showed some assertive independence?
oh is this literally ramblings? i thought u wanted advice lol
I mean advice helps, and I appreciate your advice you've given. I am going to move my money, and I will try to get them to at least accept me going into the military, and try to appease them as much as possible for a smooth transition, and then when that happens I can decide if I want them in my life or not, maybe for a time but I feel as though I'll eventually disappear from everyone I once knew.
but yes, this basically serves as one big thread of my thoughts that scream inside my head. I normally don't go looking for advice, since generally when it comes to deeper matters, anyone I know hasn't been able to offer much support in that regard, but I tend to cast it away regardless, because what is deep is inconsistent, it is weird, strange, distortions, its hard to put into words the things I mean, but I try to but I don't expect anyone to make real sense of it. It just is, I just am, and so is what is that is or rather that is what is
If I even have depth, it gets confusing sometimes and incoherrent.sounds like you're reallllllly fucking hard on yourself, obsessing over everything you dislike about yourself rather than the fact that you're in a difficult situation that is mentally draining. i'm not advising u to do this, but what would likely happen if you showed some assertive independence?
If I do shit that I want to do, they complain and moan. Not necessarily everything but like if its something like a decision I make for myself, they bitch and complain for the most part, my whole family will just collectively bitch at me, and so I'd rather just not unless absolutely necessary, because I get pretty toxic thoughts in my head.
Many like killing them, hurting them, killing myself to spite them, and just violent thoughts that are unwanted only because its hard for me to deal with the constant bitching of the most stupidest shit. It's stupid of me to get that way, but I can't help it. So, I just try to keep it as peaceful as can be. Obviously, these are thoughts, I don't see myself acting out on them, but still I just would rather avoid the conflict all together.
last edit on
1/9/2023 8:01:15 AM
oh is this literally ramblings? i thought u wanted advice lol
I mean advice helps, and I appreciate your advice you've given. I am going to move my money, and I will try to get them to at least accept me going into the military, and try to appease them as much as possible for a smooth transition, and then when that happens I can decide if I want them in my life or not, maybe for a time but I feel as though I'll eventually disappear from everyone I once knew.
but yes, this basically serves as one big thread of my thoughts that scream inside my head. I normally don't go looking for advice, since generally when it comes to deeper matters, anyone I know hasn't been able to offer much support in that regard, but I tend to cast it away regardless, because what is deep is inconsistent, it is weird, strange, distortions, its hard to put into words the things I mean, but I try to but I don't expect anyone to make real sense of it. It just is, I just am, and so is what is that is or rather that is what is
If I even have depth, it gets confusing sometimes and incoherrent.sounds like you're reallllllly fucking hard on yourself, obsessing over everything you dislike about yourself rather than the fact that you're in a difficult situation that is mentally draining. i'm not advising u to do this, but what would likely happen if you showed some assertive independence?
If I do shit that I want to do, they complain and moan. Not necessarily everything but like if its something like a decision I make for myself, they bitch and complain for the most part, my whole family will just collectively bitch at me, and so I'd rather just not unless absolutely necessary, because I get pretty toxic thoughts in my head.
Many like killing them, hurting them, killing myself to spite them, and just violent thoughts that are unwanted only because its hard for me to deal with the constant bitching of the most stupidest shit. It's stupid of me to get that way, but I can't help it. So, I just try to keep it as peaceful as can be. Obviously, these are thoughts, I don't see myself acting out on them, but still I just would rather avoid the conflict all together.
it's not stupid of you at all, it sounds really hard to deal with..very overwhelming. do you have anything that calms you down at all when u feel these thoughts?
oh is this literally ramblings? i thought u wanted advice lol
I mean advice helps, and I appreciate your advice you've given. I am going to move my money, and I will try to get them to at least accept me going into the military, and try to appease them as much as possible for a smooth transition, and then when that happens I can decide if I want them in my life or not, maybe for a time but I feel as though I'll eventually disappear from everyone I once knew.
but yes, this basically serves as one big thread of my thoughts that scream inside my head. I normally don't go looking for advice, since generally when it comes to deeper matters, anyone I know hasn't been able to offer much support in that regard, but I tend to cast it away regardless, because what is deep is inconsistent, it is weird, strange, distortions, its hard to put into words the things I mean, but I try to but I don't expect anyone to make real sense of it. It just is, I just am, and so is what is that is or rather that is what is
If I even have depth, it gets confusing sometimes and incoherrent.sounds like you're reallllllly fucking hard on yourself, obsessing over everything you dislike about yourself rather than the fact that you're in a difficult situation that is mentally draining. i'm not advising u to do this, but what would likely happen if you showed some assertive independence?
If I do shit that I want to do, they complain and moan. Not necessarily everything but like if its something like a decision I make for myself, they bitch and complain for the most part, my whole family will just collectively bitch at me, and so I'd rather just not unless absolutely necessary, because I get pretty toxic thoughts in my head.
Many like killing them, hurting them, killing myself to spite them, and just violent thoughts that are unwanted only because its hard for me to deal with the constant bitching of the most stupidest shit. It's stupid of me to get that way, but I can't help it. So, I just try to keep it as peaceful as can be. Obviously, these are thoughts, I don't see myself acting out on them, but still I just would rather avoid the conflict all together.it's not stupid of you at all, it sounds really hard to deal with..very overwhelming. do you have anything that calms you down at all when u feel these thoughts?
It's strange but I go for drives, listen to music, and talk to myself, especially if its bad, I'll be in my car potentially screaming and just talking to myself out loud going through the waves of emotions, teary eyed, angry and such.
Otherwise, I try to take my mind off of it by watching videos and playing a video game, but I know in other ways these methods affect me negatively, since I grow sick of sitting in my room all day, I grow sick of being on the internet too much.