Sociopath Community

Hard not to feel suffocated, trapped, in futility. I hate the idea of restarting in the same place, I hate the concept. I already hate it here, if I can't just adjust and move forward, might as well restart elsewhere. 


Maybe my outlook is retarded, delusional, crazy and paranoid for whatever reason son son son


Embarassing shit like paying of debt for a computer... A fucking computer, its been like 3 years and no sign of it being done as interest grows, I didn't buy it, my family did for me, with credit. If I had fucking known that it was going to actually be bought with credit and be cancerous on me, I would've said no but they didn't mention it. I hate that my family has access to my bank account, I need to go set up a new one, I keep procrastinating, and I hate my mom has partial ownership of my car, a car I didn't necessarily want but she got for me for christmas. I guess I needed one since the one I had would've broken down soon anyway but still, being raised where shit was done for me, rather than allowing me to learn and grow to be independent and figure this shit out, and instead important property being partially in control of my family, whom try to dictate my life, drives me fucking crazy. 


I play politics or try to, maybe that conception in my head is retarded but I try to make things run smoothly as possible, since I don't handle drama very well in regards to my family, and I get angry and shake with violent thoughts. 

I desire escape, freedom, I want to live a life that's my own. Maybe they're not as controlling as I'm making them out to be, but I just feel trapped.

I remember having to spend a long time to try to convince them of me entering the military and then I finally won then hesitated, I hate that I didn't enter, despite my other fears of it, regarding snapping.

My job is good now and helping me on that path to freedom but I still feel unsatisified, I feel as though there's nothing to find joy in, as everything around me feels meaingless, and I grow sick of it all, and so I get thoughts of casting away all formalities, of all this shit, biding my time in reading, and studying, biding my time of maybe learning something like Russian, biding my time in money, to pay off this shitty debt bs, and then leaving America as a whole 

I don't want to do that, but I feel alone truly alone, I have grown to feel disgusted by my friends, and  those who I knew other than that main group I am disconnected from, so many disconnected from, everything superficial, I want to re-invent myself, have a new slate. 

i could share my wisdom but you suck so I'm not going to

It doesn't matter if I fucking die a retard, it doesn't matter if you look at me and laugh. I am glad I give you laughter if you're not a mutant.

Even if I went into the military, and it sucked, it's still experience towards a goal I am obsessed with, it still serves as something I can say, hey I checked this off the list, why should I listen to any schmuck trying to tell me otherwise? I am growing angrier and sicker of this where I am at in life, disillusioned with it all, but its literally impossible for me to effectively move and be free from it all, I can see what's coming if I stay, its inevitable everything blows up in hellish fire, and it'd be more tragic and sad for it to end that way, than me taking matters into my own hands by leaving and preventing it all from burning to the ground.

I don't want to hurt all of them, I want to dream they would grow and be better, but as it currently stands friction is unbearable, and they cannot begin to understand. If I can keep my job, I left life insurance to a friend who I fear will become a mutant I have to put down one day but I want to believe he won't turn out that way, it just tragedy, makes me sick in my stomach.

The closest to understanding is my flock, but even then I know I feel alone in vague weird indescribeable thoughts I get with complex emotions so strange, tears of beauty, sadness, euphoria, rage mixed into one, such a strange strange state of being as I get grand thoughts of destroying demons, building a better future for myself and those I care about.

It doesn't matter how silly I sound, it doesn't matter how stupid it all sounds, I'm aware of the unreality of it, I know I see it, I got it. Either way, everything goes back to getting out of this area to find myself, and maybe I'd "calm down" and be able to integrate better but as it currently stands all I want it out of this boring, mundane, hell of the same sickening shit screaming in my head.

I've been making progress in some regards, like reading. It stopped for the holidays due to intake of alcohol but it's resuming quite soon. 

I can't bond or feel a deep connection with my family, occasionally I can do thing I can enjoy with them but its only temporary and most attempts turn into bitching at me. They seemed to never try to prepare me for the world, in some ways since its like they coddled me, and now I hate it because I feel indebted, but the wishes they have for me, I never agreed to uphold. I just want to be able to do the things I want in life. 

I don't like hating them, I don't like the thoughts I have gotten towards them, I feel alone bitter and angry and I just want out. Maybe down the road a connection could form, if only I had time to actually get my own life together. As it currently stands, I feel suffocated, trapped, in general I feel as though my life has been nothing, I want a clean slate. Everything I knew feels meaningless, fake, distorted. I don't know who I am, its very hard to connect with those I know IRL. I was alone my whole life pretty much regardless. The closest I feel is my friends online but even then I've considered disappearing all together.

I just can't trust therapists in my area, I tried. I can't even trust myself entirely, as I am wrought with confusion, its really easy to lie when under pressure in their presence, I had absurd thoughts of murdering them because they looked mutated and demonic, I laughed to myself, but I laugh so much about shit that the lines blur between what is a joke and what is how I feel.

I don't like seeing myself as a victim, I don't think that's the case, I am grateful for the things they've done for me, but I hate it at the same time, I would rather suffer, struggle, and learn through it myself, than pampered. If anytime I try to learn shit on my own, and end up asking for help, they lecture me, and get bitchy, and it drives me insane. I just think my personality can't work with theirs, because I get bitchy too, my dreams what I want in life, isn't something that can be discussed and understood, they would look at me like I'm crazy and try to restrain me. 
 

you are literally a rape victim

The more I ponder these designs, these plans. The more I realize I need to zip my mouth shut. It means nothing to divulge communication, especially here. Especially to people I know, it does nothing. It's a worthless flow of words that are meaningless, as lets face the reality. No one understands, they can't. I can't make anyone understand, always shocked with no words to be able to form, when I speak to them, they have nothing to say. It's a reality.

Maybe I'm crazily, incoherent and that's the issue, but whatever the case. I can't keep doing this, for so many reasons I can't. If I want to live, I can't. 

I must accept this enforced aloneness, embrace it, when the time for talk comes, I shall talk and they will listen. 

lots and lots of plans in my head, so far most of my goals are still accomplishable even with military service, if anything it only improves it all


I could still visit those whom I wish to see and hang out with, as I'd have 30 days of vacation after a year of service. If I go into the MOS I spoke about with Alice, chances are I could get put somewhere interesting. 

Of course various mediums that stand out to me, and quotes playing inside my skull. That persist to exist, that speak some form of vague desire inside me lie here in forms of art like video games.

Examples that persist in my head, that speak to me, and that I'm able to find some connections in via my desires and dreams are these.







Delusional fanciful dreams of merging my mind with technology, granted power and grand knowledge, hence why the Flood exist here as a biological form of this dream.

I know that I probably wouldn't get this far, and reality may not allow for such, not in my life at least. 

Of course there are other paths all tying into my dream of understanding humanity, and destiny, it all ties together, and maybe I wouldn't be the one to achieve the ultimate goal of this, but building a foundation for someone else? Maybe, or maybe not.


It gets all too confusing when considering various things blaring inside my head at once, as I try to make sense of it all.