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um, i didn't read all this but do you think you might be a covert narc? i'm getting flashbacks of sist

natasha87 said: 

um, i didn't read all this but do you think you might be a covert narc? i'm getting flashbacks of sist

 I don't know anyone named sist, or what I could have similar to them. I would hope that I am not a covert narc. I like to think I'm pretty upfront and brutally honest about my asshole shenanigans. I think of how I act in that regard as a means to cope and I get a high from it. Like I have a friend whom I constantly fuck with, and I tell her that its just too funny, and that I know its wrong but she does get stubborn and not listen to me, so when I give advice and it blows up in her face I can't help but make fun of her for it. I also tell her that some aspects of her make me want to murder her legitimately, like I could see myself shooting her but I try not to be like that and obviously the chances of me murdering someone are low. It's just talk I think. However, we both agree that I'm the only one who truly understands her as I know how she feels and everything and everyone else is just confused, or doesn't pay attention, so in my friend group I'm like this asshole but I also know exactly how to handle situations when I have to. Of course this is my word, and anyone is free to doubt it.

I refrain from specifics because well it just wouldn't make sense to give too much details as I tend to keep a distance from this forum all together. 

I have faith in my journey, and hopefully its not as crazy as it sounds. I just hope I get to keep touch with the few I care about and help make sure they are safe, abstract. If not then it is what it is

I both want and fear any form of attention drawn to me in this case

natasha87 said: 

um, i didn't read all this but do you think you might be a covert narc? i'm getting flashbacks of sist

This is more ...a synthesis of Syst maybe and Blanc.

Content: Syst, Character: Blanc

Ah Syst, I know of Syst. I spoke briefly to them before back when I was Sintetika 

(Obviously in the KMFDM one, I disregard the whole atheist line personally)










Change is necessity, and I will force myself to evolve, in time cowardice, fear, dread shall be eliminated and I will carve out a path for myself. I will crush the excessive hedonism of wasting time trying to stave off facing reality one and for all. 

Why must it be so complicated? My family is dysfunctional and toxic, they've never helped me learn to be independant in ways I would like, my mom got me my car against my will, which I'm grateful for, but part of it is in her name, my bank account is tied to some family account that she can access. She has tried to make me install software on my phone that lets her track me. I'm fucking 22. I'm a grown ass man.

My family in general, wish for me to take care of my disabled sister after they die. My brothers can't. One has his own family, the other is a methhead who by ofc all the fucking luck in the world, knocked up a bitch and is getting twins that is going to terrorize this fucking family even more, since he can't drive, and I can already see the potential for the fucking relationship to explode. 

I am not taking care of my sister, I would rather shoot myself than be chained to this hellscape. I have so much more dreams in life than to deal with a spoiled brat. My family and I don't get along, so friction happens, I'm not saying I'm devoid of fault, I know I have a bad side, but I don't like this way of life in general, its why I want out but the second I want to try to do shit for myself and actually take control, they act all sad and depressed, and get emotional.

When I was training for the marines a few years ago, they would get emotional and weird and I just had no clue how to fucking react, ever since I started work and been busy more, they have gotten emotional and weird. 

Now, I'm realizing that my work although a great job, with great coworkers, my aspirations in the military, not necessarily marines is what I want, its been what I want, its always ate at me but for so many reasons, including my family's shit I stopped, and I shouldn't have. I should've fucking just went in and been done with it. 

I genuinely feel that if I don't do what I want, I'll never be satisfied in this fucking life, and the more time goes by as my life feels trapped in this place, the more I regret everything. 

Maybe I'm just completely ungrateful and should be ashamed of myself, idk. 

just play along and get what u want while letting them think they are controlling you. have a secret bank account and make sure the bank doesnt send u letters lmao, and make sure ur passwords are changed from what she might know about. ur mom sounds like a crazy one

problem solved, now u can stfu.

lol just kidding :P