those were all pages from years ago. Shit only got worse after that, and all the journals and paintings I have from this time have gone in the garbage.
Side note- I'm very embarrassed at what a shit writer I was as a kid. That's why this is getting posted here, so I can throw the last of it away.
This thread was supposed to be my fresh start at journaling, but I've decided to leave it to die with all the rest.
Good idea....leave the past in the past....plenty of shit happening in the present.....more coming in the future...lol...
Past <--(shit happened)--------------------------------------PRESENT------------------------------------------------------------->Future= Pushing up Daisies
#1. Own your shit ( whatever it is )
#2. Fix your shit ( nobody going to do it for you)
Nothing makes any goddamn sense anymore. I can't put the things I'm experiencing into words.
Basically I put myself together, regardless of absolutely shit circumstances and things were just starting to be looking up for the first time in years, and then I ruined it all in just a few months. I buried my issues and they came out in my music, or in mental breakdowns, and late night panic attacks. I single handedly destroyed the only good relationship I've ever had, that ever meant anything to me. I traded my good friends for the bad ones. I went back to bad habits, I don't know why I didn't stop myself.
And now I've been in this odd sort of limbo, where nothing means anything anymore, and I don't feel anything. It's like the entire world isn't even registering, and I've become completely blank. I just don't give a shit about anything. It seems I take out my frustration on my driving. I drive down the middle of two lane roads, and sometimes I flick everyone off for no good reason. I'm just sick of the bull shit.
Today it was pouring rain, sideways. Most people waited under cover for it to stop. But I didn't give two shits, walked across two huge parking lots and got soaking wet. Someone called after me "name what are you doing??" sort of laughing. I just kept walking. There have been quite a few girls trying to get in my pants, but I don't want anything to do with them so I've put my phone on do not disturb- and it's been that way for a while now. I haven't gone grocery shopping in weeks, and my kitchen is looking pretty empty. My entire place looks just as empty as my life. I lock myself away and play music for hours, and that's all that's become of me. I just don't want to be a part of it anymore.
For the past few months I've felt like I'm losing my fucking mind- it's hard to describe the feeling. You just know you're fucking snapping.
I just can't do it anymore, I'm not, here, anymore.
blanc stated: source post
I just can't do it anymore, I'm not, here, anymore.
Well....looks like you were there for someone else....maybe need to be there for yourself.
You bring all of it on yourself based on the choices you make....so....do better for yourself....10% improvement is better than 0%....which will be a given if you don't own it....so....meh...beyond that...nothing anyone can do ....
*n.b. note to self. I still blow my stack....very rarely....but when I do....lol.....my mother was kind enough to remind me of earlier self the other day ..egh..