Don't want to face things anymore but, I have to.
Poem From Three Days Ago
Everyday is misery.
I feel tortured upon waking. and tortured in the evening.
And all the lulls between.
It doesn't make a difference.
Where I am. or who I'm with.
I know I take my life for granted.
Mild vision impairment and weak lungs.
is the extent of my problems.
should i just be sorry. instead of begging for forgiveness?
I don't deserve the things I have. but I still have them.
Living out my life. until my life becomes sterile. and my breath turns to ashes.
Is that what I'm waiting for.
is that what i deserve.
That is my purpose.
Torture and darkness.
I would ask what I'm missing. but I know I'm not missing anything.
This is just my life.
This is just the way I have to keep living.
So I live today and tomorrow.
And it's all good for nothing.
It is kind of shit that at the end of the day, this is all that I am. Because I've become so dull, in context of my day to day, most things hardly look real anymore. It's all a cardboard cut-out. I can just feel the stage lighting and props hanging from fishing line above my head. I know that I am far away, I used to prefer it that way. But now I am lost in nowhere, and I have become nothing.
Hey Blanc I know I have picked on you alot, I created all the muppets "blancc", "thisisnotblanc", "seriouslynotblancthistime", "blancsworld", "thatssoblanc","goblancyourself", and "flashbacktriggertrain". If I knew this is what you were actually going through I never would have made fun of you at all. I bullied you like I bully alot of people, but after hearing this I don't think it's right what I said/did. And I'm sorry. I hope you will accept my apology, and if I had known this is what you were dealing with or you had made this thread earlier I wouldn't have targeted you at all. Also I had no idea you were so young, which would have made me never target you in the first place too. You absolutely should not kill yourself, you are still young, you are very good looking (not hitting on you, internet dykes are not my thing, been there, tried that, ended up with a soar anus from a very independant strap-on), you have a certain likability/adorableness about you. I think it is good that you are using a journal/diary now to write down your thoughts, I think that is a healthy approach. What I think you should do though is seek out some actual therapy, if you have free insurance in whatever state you live in that should cover at least a few initial sessions. Another really good idea is to call suicide hotlines, and just talk to them for hours, if you get bored with one person, just call a different hotline. Looking for comfort in a community of sociopaths may be part of the pattern of seeking out abusive relationships and self-destructive behavior. I am here for u baby gurl, pm me anytime you want and I promise to never bully/troll you or make any jokes at your expense again. I will put the mask on for you babe.