Everyday I want to die. I find myself without a means to express/cope with this conveniently and healthily. I'm going to do my best to compartmentalize it by expressing some things in writing form (trying something new). Keeping a physical journal or text in my computer/phone isn't private enough. So I'll be dumping things here, in a last effort to potentially get through this.
Background
Physical/emotional/mental abuse @ home. Eating disorder began at 10 years old. Both parents were alcoholics. I believe the eating disorder was related to their addiction issues, not really sure. I couldn't stop myself. The disorder was only met with more abuse. I was force fed. I experienced panic attacks, which usually resulted in shaking on the bathroom floor, and then vomiting. Hospitalized at age 13 for adverse reaction to eating disorder (tachycardia). Depression began at 13 years old. I had a tendency to develop toxic relationships. First therapist diagnosed me with ADD. Parents would abuse me... and then film me loosing my shit in reaction to it. They said they'd show it to people, including the therapist, as proof that I'm psychotic and crazy. They were in complete denial that the abuse was wrong, and thus I sort of believed it was normal in some weird way. I stopped reacting to any abuse. At the time I was figuring out I was gay as well. Nearly dropped out of my very religious school, because of depression. Attempted to run away several times. Was forced out of the closet (got caught). Called into therapy @ school for "unusual behavior." Dad got put away for nearly killing me. Abuse still continued with my mom, until I was kicked out. Was basically homeless, couch surfing, sleeping on park benches at one point. Mom died. New family. New school. Got involved with drugs and mostly toxic friendships. Graduated. Got into abusive relationship. Went back and forth between abusive/alcoholic boyfriend and user/crazy girlfriend a lot. Cut off communication with most people. Travelled Europe and Mexico. Came home and tried to clean up my act, but instead went into 3 months of severe depression and isolation.
Present
After that it's just me trying to get my act together, self isolating, pushing relationships away, getting relationships back, being depressed, getting too skinny, exhibiting severe commitment issues, and relapsing (alcohol, pills, weed, cigarettes). Also experiencing, severe panic attacks and occasional explosive anger. I feel like whoever I once was, is completely gone. So there's that. Oh and, suicidal ideation.
Suicidal ideation began at age 14, and now I experience it on a daily basis age 22.
When I sit in a room full of people I feel like I'm on the verge of tears at random moments. For various reasons. This is a recent development. It doesn't make a lot of sense considering most of the time I can't feel anything even if I wanted to.
I think things are worse now than they've ever been, and I'm definitely not handling it, at all. I don't know how to.
Figured maybe I'd try writing, so far don't feel any sense of relief. Whenever I feel like dying I will come to this thread and write what I'm thinking. I may not want to say much so I've agreed at the very least I will write the words, "I want to die." or something of that nature. I think this may be a good alternative to self harm/overdosing on pills. We'll see.