me too but what can you do
You don't want to die, if you did you would be dead. What you want is to not be living your life. There's a subtle difference.
Your life sucks (I'm not insulting you, I live with suicidal ideation myself, so I know the life sucks.) that's a damn good reason to not want to life it. It's not a very good reason to kill yourself, though. That's just desperation talking, like a fox chewing itself out of a bear trap.
And like that fox, your biggest problem is that you don't see another way out, and possibly, at the moment, you're not strong enough to do what you need to do to get out of the situation. Well calm down, you don't have to go to extremes. :)
Take a deep breath, because what I'm about to say is not only 100% true, it's also really hard to believe, and counter-intuitive at first. You're going to want to argue, or feel insulted, but don't, because that's not helpful.
You can control your life, you just need to get control of your brain by making everything conscious instead of running on autopilot. You think you're here, but you're not. Right now you're reading this, and you're thinking about it, and you're probably listening to music, or have some other noise in the bg, and you're floating in space rather than down in your body and actually READING this. Allow me to prove it:
Let's start by bringing you back into your body.
After this sentence, look up from the screen, look around and NOTICE where you are, the smells, time of day, the level of light, the sounds, the temperature, air movement, etc, then come back. Now feel your body. Is one part of you warmer than another? Are you sitting? Are you putting pressure on any part of your body more than another? What position are your feet in? Are you comfortable? Are you holding a phone, or have your hands on a computer? Is it hot or cold?
You should notice both the space you're in and your body a lot more now than you did before, especially if you've been online a while. THAT is the difference between conscious and subconscious. Being actively aware of yourself and participating in what you're doing, versus just passively experiencing life happening to you.
To have more control over your life, you need to be more actively, consciously, in control of things by living in them, rather than letting autopilot go. You already have one 'voice' in your head (though it probably "speaks" through feelings and impulses rather than words), which is the one that makes you feel anxious or sad, doubtful, etc. Make another and use it to talk to the first, make it a champion of logic, objectivity and rationality.
Stimulus - Someone invites you out.
Subconscious: No.
Conscious: Self-isolation is a problem I've been trying to get over. I don't want to keep self-isolating, I'm going to go.
Subconscious: Bad things will happen, not worth it.
Conscious: Bad things can happen anytime, anywhere. It is worth it to get better.
Subconscious: What if something bad DOES happen and it gets worse?
Conscious: The way I have been living has made me want to die. There is not worse than that. I am going.
Subconscious: It will go bad, something bad will happen.
Conscious: It might. It also might not, and I might have a great time. Going will be good for me whether something good happens or not. I am going.
Subconscious: I'm talking to myself, this is stupid.
Conscious: It is not stupid to use whatever methods are necessary to get better.
Subconscious: It's not even going to work
Conscious: It is working right now, because I am still considering going, when before I would have already decided not to, and moved on. Any progress is good.
Subconscious: Im still not going so this failed
Conscious: No. Go. Get up and do one thing towards going. Get dressed to go, or take a shower.
Etc. Keep going until the side that benefits you, rather than holding you back, wins. Eventually, the subconscious power will become weaker as the reinforcement stops, and as your brain sees the benefits in the changes you're making. To control your life, you have to control yourself, and for people like us, who have bad coping mechanisms (because parents suck), this means you have to wrestle control back from your subconscious first, to reprogram it to operate the way it should, in the way that makes your life easier, not harder. Right now, your brain thinks the shit it's doing is helping you, and you just reinforce that every time you allow it to happen again.
The fastest (there are probably more therapy-like methods, or more formal stuff, idk) way to do this is to FORCE your brain to do what you want, with willpower, and this often means talking some damn sense to your subconscious the way you would talk to another person.
This can apply to literally every single situation. Some things are trickier than others, because our subconscious has had ample opportunity to build up some pretty convincing excuses for what it does, but that's all it is. If what your subconscious were doing was helpful, you wouldn't be suicidal. So you need to convince it to change tactics, and sometimes this means you need to do research and arm yourself with what you need to know to be logical with yourself. If you start to ignore the conscious voice, question THAT itself.
Be relentless. No one deserves to be a slave of their coping mechanisms, so take back control of your life from them. It's not easy, and it's not gonna happen overnight, but the more you keep it up, the faster you'll see results.
I've done it all before Freakiest. All those things you're supposed to do. I really have.
And I'm a lot better than I used to be because of it, it just, didn't fix the other problems. There are other problems, which you might not understand.
It's been nine years with depression, and frankly everything you're telling me is old news.
The fact you would compare it to a fox in a bear trap tells me you understand very little of what I've gone through.
I'm not a slave to my coping mechanisms, or feel that I've lost control. Stop putting words in my mouth.
At least get to know me better first before you type some "cure-all" paragraph.
I Appreciate the effort, but I'm honestly just aggravated with having to waste my time fleshing out a response to this, which simply put is just, "I know."
I know Freakiest. I know most problems are as large or as small as you want them to be.
This is just a place to dump thoughts, I would say meaningless thoughts but, actually your thoughts do have impact.
Some are born consciously, others come from places that shouldn't be allowed to speak.
I believe what you are touching on with subconscious overwrite is an interesting subject, and I used to read about it (four years ago)...
You might be interested in a book titled "Hardwiring Happiness" which is basic neuropsychological ramblings. Explains the science behind what you're mentioning.
how have you 'done it all before'? sounds arrogant to me..you don't just 'do' these things, you have to incorporate them into your life and slowly things change. seems like you don't even want advice, so why post it here? why not just write your thoughts down in a journal if people's input can cause you to feel worse about your situation?