Sociopath Community

the sheer volume of text makes it seem like you're almost overcompensating, trying to convince yourself more than anyone else

Blanc needs to be topped

natasha87 said: 

the sheer volume of text makes it seem like you're almost overcompensating, trying to convince yourself more than anyone else

 that more has to do with my unwillingness to edit and chop things down into a more concise "paraphrase" of what I wrote. I just decided a long time ago to let everything be raw stream of conscious and I kind of like it better that way. Provides more insight into where my head was at, at the time of a given post. 

They also appear a lot longer because I write with double spacing between every freaking sentence. This was entirely subconscious, and eventually I realized the reason I did it naturally is due to a stigmatism which causes this tiny white font to appear very blurry to me. So putting more space between makes it less stressful to read on my particular eyes. 

Stigmatism vision looks like, slanted rain. 

you are still constantly defending and explaining yourself to internet strangers, its like a part of you is still aware that your whole reality, self, and world is based on self-made lies and delusions, you are unable to feed yourself your own bullshit which causes a mental breakdown word salad every 5 mins.

Blanc said: 

natasha87 said: 

the sheer volume of text makes it seem like you're almost overcompensating, trying to convince yourself more than anyone else

 that more has to do with my unwillingness to edit and chop things down into a more concise "paraphrase" of what I wrote. I just decided a long time ago to let everything be raw stream of conscious and I kind of like it better that way. Provides more insight into where my head was at, at the time of a given post. 

Insight for who? You admitted to not reading your own posts. 

Turncoat said: 

Blanc said: 

aight thanks

Why do you watch hundreds of videos on your disorder incessantly? 

Like shit, I understand looking into it at all, but I can't help but feel I'd be behaving more classically schizophrenic if I kept reinforcing the diagnosis criteria through relatable videos. The narratives have the room for you to begin parroting them if it otherwise resonates within some part of you enough to trigger a similar response, even if it's over an unrelated Dx such as a fictitious disorder or simply misunderstanding a feeling like calling sadness depression.

This shit on loop isn't healthy, it's self-indulgent and emotionally masochistic through it's room to confirm the things you're looking for. It unconsciously tells you who to model after to reinforce your worldview. 

---

What would it take for you to consider that it's actually a display of a fictitious disorder? It's not that you're being called a liar, you're instead being called mistaken and clearly confused, which isn't a hard idea to swallow when you claim to be unable to hear your own thoughts over what's really a problem with your ability to process memories... to the point of near-constant improvisation that contrasts with your know-it-all attitude. 

Seriously, read over your older materials as if they were someone else. All. Of. Them. You tend to be ever so slightly sharper when you aren't self-directing, so act like "Blanc is just a character" for a second. It's liable to improve your stream of consciousness blog vomit towards something actually constructive. 

Unless of course you'd rather just sit there venting instead of fixing your issues. 

 I don't really want to argue, but regardless of the presence of any disorders or the presence of none in addition to my ptsd, I do know at the base of things I do have that. 

It's very possible my dissociative symptoms are just a symptom of ptsd itself but not enough to qualify as a disorder standing alone from ptsd. 

my goal isn't really to diagnose myself, it's to manage. what's going on. and to understand it. 

imagine experiencing dissociation, as much as you know about it, before I was knowledgable what dissociation was. it was really wild so, being able to go, "oh, that's what that was." is relieving in and of itself. it helps, in ways that are hard to put into words. 

I just feel more, confident in myself and my abilities knowing, okay you're not, losing your fucking mind, this is, just a normal thing that happens to people sometimes but it doesn't render you incompetent or, things like that. 

what I'm saying is, factitious disorder (lol) or not, (which I don't have lol), the trauma is real, the dissociative experiences I've described having were real, the ptsd diagnosis and extensive treatment for it is real. 

500 dollars to a therapist a week, a trauma specialist. an emdr specialist. a psychiatrist. 

part of what began this entire introspection with the angle on it like, "what's wrong with me" was, all of this started in a much more chaotic time in my life where a lot was wrong and it was hard to find the source of the issues, whether they were environmental or, with myself, what they specifically were, and how I could resolve them. 

this was before psychiatric evaluation and treatment, medication, hospitalization etc. 

so, it's just sort of continued on after that, because although I saw myself as a lot better than how I was before all of this treatment, my parents did not. they still saw me as, flawed, mentally unwell, imperfect, abnormal. 

and in an effort to bring me up to par, they kept pushing me around to therapists and psychiatrists to figure out "what's wrong with me" and "to fix me" for them. 

because I slept too much, or, I guess did things that were weird? I dunno. They just seemed to blame all of it on a mental health diagnosis. 

So, that sort of explains where the preoccupation with "what's wrong with me?" has likely stemmed from. 

Though I am aware I'm a lot better than I used to be, other people don't seem to agree. And sometimes I guess, I'm not doing my best. 

I'm just trying to do my best to get proper diagnosis and treatment, to be my best self, and to be stable, and functional. 

Right now because of certain PTSD issues I am limited by it at times or still experiencing negative downsides because of it. 

And, the same goes for depression and anxiety. 

However a psychiatrist recently suggested my instability could be due to bipolar, and she thinks I am either cyclothymic or rapid cycling but. 

This is just another suggestion, from another psychiatrist, ontop of other ones that you all believe are inaccurate as well. Like DID. 

So I can't, really say for certain what I have, until I feel certain. But, this isn't necessarily about Dx, it's just about understanding symptoms I've had so I don't feel so, abnormal or in the dark about it. Like, "oh, I didn't know this was recognized in the field of psychology as an actual thing I experience." 

For example, it's the little things- like, micropsia. Yes, there's actually a word for that weird feeling you get when your arms or legs or head, feel to large or too small for your body. this is a symptom of dissociation, which is attributed by neuropsychologists to the damage related to trauma or head injury or other risk factors, in a core part of the brain that allows for the lateralization of brain function. 

I've bee experiencing this "micropsia" since I was a *very* young child. 

It's just nice to know, these are things other people experience too, and there is a clinical explanation for all of it, why it happens, how it works. Etc. 

edit: also side note, I almost stopped journaling a long time ago, but my therapist *told* me to continue and thought it was positive for me. I have shown her the journals, she's read the content, I show her them all the time. And she thinks it is positive for me so, *shrugs* that's part of why I continued doing it. 

I keep it here so it's not on my computer where it can be found by people who like to route through my fucking shit, as some people in my life have had a wonderful history of invading my privacy. I can't journal openly with myself in a notebook or in regular text on my computer because the potential for it to be found causes me to "close up." or feel shame about what I'm writing. Here I can find liberation from the negative voices in my mind that have been engrained from childhood, and I don't shame or, invalidate myself. It's, a process of building confidence and acceptance with what I do have going on, and not *hating myself* for it? 

And also, I have a tendency to go through a weird mood where I delete things. It's just like people who compulsively chop their hair and dye it blue and pink a lot? But I do that with deleting things or throwing them away. I've had this "issue" since I was pretty young, not sure what that's about but. I compulsively delete things. 

But if they're posted here, I have no control over whether they can get deleted so it's a way to force myself to accept reality? Instead of throwing it away and avoiding it :P or remaining aloof and dissociated from it. 

Turncoat said: 

Blanc said: 

natasha87 said: 

the sheer volume of text makes it seem like you're almost overcompensating, trying to convince yourself more than anyone else

 that more has to do with my unwillingness to edit and chop things down into a more concise "paraphrase" of what I wrote. I just decided a long time ago to let everything be raw stream of conscious and I kind of like it better that way. Provides more insight into where my head was at, at the time of a given post. 

Insight for who? You admitted to not reading your own posts. 

 Lol I told you I agreed to start reading them just because you guys all insisted and I have been reading over them before I go to bed. They help me fall asleep xD 

someone secret said: 

you are still constantly defending and explaining yourself to internet strangers, its like a part of you is still aware that your whole reality, self, and world is based on self-made lies and delusions, you are unable to feed yourself your own bullshit which causes a mental breakdown word salad every 5 mins.

I can't make you believe my life is real, or that I am real, but I think you're giving me far too much credit to say that I fabricated everything. 

The reason why my posts jump around a lot when I talk is because I am a little ADD and I drink a lot of caffeine because depression, which makes my mind jump around even more. I suppose I should put a little more effort into making sense, and being more concise. I just didn't think anyone cared. 

Blanc can you tell us something about yourself? 

Blanc said: 

what I'm saying is, factitious disorder (lol) or not, (which I don't have lol), the trauma is real, the dissociative experiences I've described having were real, the ptsd diagnosis and extensive treatment for it is real. 

Do you suspect that someone with a fictitious disorder would assume any differently?

You use the means of Youtube videos confirming your views about yourself as how to both justify your situation and follow an emotionally masochistic outlet. You aren't going to find any further understanding about these disorders, they're just reinforcing your scripts.