Sociopath Community

Blanc said: 

Turncoat said: 

Blanc said: 

natasha87 said: 

the sheer volume of text makes it seem like you're almost overcompensating, trying to convince yourself more than anyone else

 that more has to do with my unwillingness to edit and chop things down into a more concise "paraphrase" of what I wrote. I just decided a long time ago to let everything be raw stream of conscious and I kind of like it better that way. Provides more insight into where my head was at, at the time of a given post. 

Insight for who? You admitted to not reading your own posts. 

 Lol I told you I agreed to start reading them just because you guys all insisted and I have been reading over them before I go to bed. They help me fall asleep xD 

What's stuck out so far? How much of it are you retaining? 

Turncoat said: 

Blanc said: 

what I'm saying is, factitious disorder (lol) or not, (which I don't have lol), the trauma is real, the dissociative experiences I've described having were real, the ptsd diagnosis and extensive treatment for it is real. 

Do you suspect that someone with a fictitious disorder would assume any differently?

You use the means of Youtube videos confirming your views about yourself as how to both justify your situation and follow an emotionally masochistic outlet. You aren't going to find any further understanding about these disorders, they're just reinforcing your scripts. 

Well, to be fair I also researched about the neuropsychology of the lateralization of brain function explaining how it was related to symptoms of dissociation, even DID, and a result of trauma and other causes. 

I posted the video on my YouTube channel but I've since privated it. I read other information as well, I just keep a log of the YouTube videos I *liked* the way they explained things so that it can be *explained* to other people who are less knowledgable about the disorders and their correlative symptoms which I am talking about. So they can understand what the fuck I am talking about what I am experiencing. So they can understand me. Where this is all coming from, and to see, this isn't just me. That experiences these things. That it's, a real thing. 

But yeah uh... just because this is where I post a log of videos I liked, doesn't mean it's my only source of information and research. And just because I have a thread about this topic doesn't mean this is my main concern in life that I occupy most of my time with, or that it's even on my mind frequently. 

It's not the center of my life. When I journal, I am making time for me to focus on my mental health, to decompress, destress, etc. It's a me time thing, which takes up usually thirty minutes to an hour a day. I used to do it in the mornings when in school but, lately I've been doing it in the evenings. It's an enjoyable thing for me, I write, I have my coffee. I get inspired. I get my brain churning. I am *creating* something, I am *expressing* something. It's, a positive thing for me. It helps. 

But then I close the laptop, log out of the iMac. Lock the iPhone. etc, and go on my merry way about life, concerning and preoccupying myself with, the rest of life. 

Turncoat said: 

Blanc said: 

Turncoat said: 

Blanc said: 

natasha87 said: 

the sheer volume of text makes it seem like you're almost overcompensating, trying to convince yourself more than anyone else

 that more has to do with my unwillingness to edit and chop things down into a more concise "paraphrase" of what I wrote. I just decided a long time ago to let everything be raw stream of conscious and I kind of like it better that way. Provides more insight into where my head was at, at the time of a given post. 

Insight for who? You admitted to not reading your own posts. 

 Lol I told you I agreed to start reading them just because you guys all insisted and I have been reading over them before I go to bed. They help me fall asleep xD 

What's stuck out so far? How much of it are you retaining? 

 It's allowed me to have better empathy for myself. I used to be so condescending and hateful, negative. But now it's allowed me to better understand why I am the way I am, and to not fucking hate myself for it or be ashamed of it. It may be partially an exercise in self worth. 

There are many topics I was told to work on in rehab, I have a whole binder of them with DBT packets and DBT work books with chapters of information to work on. One of the chapters was labelled self worth, another, self confidence. which, where exercises that a year or two ago, I could not effectively complete because I was that lost in depression I genuinely believed I had nothing redeemable or worthy about myself. I was suicidal. So in retrospect I think I've seen improvements in these areas. 

Blanc said: 

I just keep a log of the YouTube videos I *liked* the way they explained things so that it can be *explained* to other people who are less knowledgable about the disorders and their correlative symptoms which I am talking about.

What other people? 

You use these videos to argue the legitimacy of your scripts. People aren't denying the disorders themselves (although some of your resources have been dubious self-expressions), they're denying your expression of them based on your behaviors. 

So they can understand what the fuck I am talking about what I am experiencing. So they can understand me.

You don't want to be understood, you want to be verified and agreed with. You aren't looking to evolve your perspective at all, just convert others or assume they "won't get it". 

Overall understanding has parts that contradict your views on yourself, for most people. If you find certain themes following you in your life, there's liable to be something to it that isn't entirely about "everyone else". 

thats what journaling is, you write to people who don't exist. 

I've been doing this from a very young age as a way to cope with various things. 

writing to people who don't exist. 

I buried majority of these journals in the woods. 

I threw away a large portion of sketchbooks though I still have a few remaining pieces. 

but for the most part whatever I had physically, has been disposed of. 

I just have one box now, of notebooks. That I've managed to keep. Things I wrote or made when under the age of 18. 

Blanc said: 

thats what journaling is, you write to people who don't exist. 

 

I've been doing this from a very young age as a way to cope with various things. 

 

writing to people who don't exist. 

 

I buried majority of these journals in the woods. 

 

I threw away a large portion of sketchbooks though I still have a few remaining pieces. 

 

but for the most part whatever I had physically, has been disposed of. 

 

I just have one box now, of notebooks. That I've managed to keep. Things I wrote or made when under the age of 18. 

 You should definitely upload pictures of of those journal entries that you wrote under the age of 18 just to see how the writing style and thought have evolved since then.  

Blanc said: 

thats what journaling is, you write to people who don't exist. 

So you're... trying to prove things to people who don't exist..?

That's a next tier level of persecution complexity. 

I journal as well, but it's not for self-expression; it's to keep track of my thoughts and patterns. If your aim is self-expression, I'm not sure what writing one-off posts that no one (not even yourself) reads is supposed to do. It can be cathartic to express something. But since we're social animals, expression falls short if it doesn't somehow integrate into your social life.

if you were trying to do that then you might not want to write your posts like this

because to other people it seems meandering and just like

hard to follow, missing a plot. a series of tangents

But if you could compress your writing a bit, keep it on track...I think it would be read more. Then you might get input. Although, it may just end up with people telling you that you exaggerate your problems and never put real effort into solving them, or listening to advice.

Tryptamine said: 

Although, it may just end up with more people telling you that you exaggerate your problems and never put real effort into solving them, or listening to advice.

ftfy