Sociopath Community

Okay for real though how many years have you been trying to be 'a part of something'? 

Turncoat said: 

Okay for real though how many years have you been trying to be 'a part of something'? 

 My guess is since I was  18 - 19, which was when I was training to join the Marine Corps for a lost contact of mine. I'm 24 now. I turn 25 in less than 4 months. 

The uh, Russian shit. Even though that probably won't happen, that's something that has always been gnawing at my head since I was 16. I've wanted to volunteer to fight azov and other freaks ever since witnessing videos of the conflict back when it was just a civil war and felt strongly for the people. Delusional savior thoughts given I was a loner at that time, fantasizing that maybe if I put my life on the line, and tried to help them, I could assimilate. I already get along with lots of slavs and they've treated me like a brother.

Though, I have those I care about here. I find it difficult to leave "my flock" behind me. For now, I work this job. While I try to get a friend on board of renting a place closer to work since we both drive an hour to work, so it becomes a 2 hour commute, plus a draw bridge, traffic, etc. 

As well as I've fallen so hard, I began to try out dating apps, since I have randomly decided to give "love" a chance. 

There's one girl that matched with me, she took an interest in me, asking me what flavor of mental illness I had all based on my stare in the photos. She has bipolar and borderline. But she seems sweet so. I don't mind. 

All of this conflicts with the Warlord, Conquer, Rise fanciful desires that penetrate my skull. 

It's hard to decide when it feels as though everything could go to shit at any second. Thus, I have to choose between short term "happiness" or preparing to survive when the likelihood is that I wouldn't. 


I still should just try to get my certs and see if I can't find a more remote line of work or something that pays better. 

Personally, that many years later, I'd be questioning why the goal to do so is there while everything else about you seems to work against it. 

Turncoat said: 

Personally, that many years later, I'd be questioning why the goal to do so is there while everything else about you seems to work against it. 

 Broken record sort of stuff, I suppose. Repeating. For example, living the military life when I was in, wasn't that bad. 3 meals a day, exercise, it was a pretty sweet gig. My problem came with the bigger picture that I was always trying to just stomach or downright ignore. The soullessness it felt. The evil, the fakeness. Whatever "virtues" whatever speak of duty to your country, I didn't feel it. I don't think getting sent to gun down people in a land overseas is protecting America's Freedom. 

Plus, I was fated to be sent to Alaska, which of course I wanted, but my gut, and feelings were telling me it was going to be the base farther towards the artic circle where I hear tales of suicides and corruption. On one hand, I wanted to go as a sort of make or break it test. If I died, I was never worthy, on the other though, I missed my friends. It wasn't so much of fear that I'd kill myself there, more so fear that I would turn into Jack Torrance. 

My dream feels like it would be in the entertainment industry, but what my dreams may be, aren't necessarily what is productive. Lots of risk taking in entertainment, there is no guarantee of success. I want to be able to obtain land, and protect and provide for myself and others. Then there's those strange violent thoughts, images of just killing freakish mutants and taking trophies. 

It's hard to know myself. Entertainment seems nice, Archaeology, traveling and finding secrets. Strange interests in the Occult, despite my skepticism towards it all. My desires for power and such. 


My desire to kill freaks, to take trophies. Idk Idk Idk Idk Idk


This shit is flooding my head, I got a friend trying to get me out of my house before I explode, but man this economy really is fucking something. 

That fucking haze, idk sometimes I contemplate homelessness, wander until I die. Same reason why I should just go do that Russian thing and see that drone drop a grenade on me. Death Drive? Maybe, but all this talk, all these dreams. So many hobbies and skills I wish to take up, or how I want to get property for all my friends, who have their own lives, who aren't guaranteed to walk this path with me, and scheduling, and the shitty work shifts that are meaningless really, designed to keep you from living fulfilling lives. Nay, instead grind down. Grind down, Grind down. Working for a tech corp really gives me these fucking Luddite thoughts, despite being anti-luddite. Not saying I have it worst, I def don't. So many more would be happier in my position, but even so. I am unable to love it. It just is. It just is. It just is. It Just is. It Just Is.