Sociopath Community

Okay for real though how many years have you been trying to be 'a part of something'? 

Turncoat said: 

Okay for real though how many years have you been trying to be 'a part of something'? 

 My guess is since I was  18 - 19, which was when I was training to join the Marine Corps for a lost contact of mine. I'm 24 now. I turn 25 in less than 4 months. 

The uh, Russian shit. Even though that probably won't happen, that's something that has always been gnawing at my head since I was 16. I've wanted to volunteer to fight azov and other freaks ever since witnessing videos of the conflict back when it was just a civil war and felt strongly for the people. Delusional savior thoughts given I was a loner at that time, fantasizing that maybe if I put my life on the line, and tried to help them, I could assimilate. I already get along with lots of slavs and they've treated me like a brother.

Though, I have those I care about here. I find it difficult to leave "my flock" behind me. For now, I work this job. While I try to get a friend on board of renting a place closer to work since we both drive an hour to work, so it becomes a 2 hour commute, plus a draw bridge, traffic, etc. 

As well as I've fallen so hard, I began to try out dating apps, since I have randomly decided to give "love" a chance. 

There's one girl that matched with me, she took an interest in me, asking me what flavor of mental illness I had all based on my stare in the photos. She has bipolar and borderline. But she seems sweet so. I don't mind. 

All of this conflicts with the Warlord, Conquer, Rise fanciful desires that penetrate my skull. 

It's hard to decide when it feels as though everything could go to shit at any second. Thus, I have to choose between short term "happiness" or preparing to survive when the likelihood is that I wouldn't. 


I still should just try to get my certs and see if I can't find a more remote line of work or something that pays better. 

Personally, that many years later, I'd be questioning why the goal to do so is there while everything else about you seems to work against it. 

Turncoat said: 

Personally, that many years later, I'd be questioning why the goal to do so is there while everything else about you seems to work against it. 

 Broken record sort of stuff, I suppose. Repeating. For example, living the military life when I was in, wasn't that bad. 3 meals a day, exercise, it was a pretty sweet gig. My problem came with the bigger picture that I was always trying to just stomach or downright ignore. The soullessness it felt. The evil, the fakeness. Whatever "virtues" whatever speak of duty to your country, I didn't feel it. I don't think getting sent to gun down people in a land overseas is protecting America's Freedom. 

Plus, I was fated to be sent to Alaska, which of course I wanted, but my gut, and feelings were telling me it was going to be the base farther towards the artic circle where I hear tales of suicides and corruption. On one hand, I wanted to go as a sort of make or break it test. If I died, I was never worthy, on the other though, I missed my friends. It wasn't so much of fear that I'd kill myself there, more so fear that I would turn into Jack Torrance. 

My dream feels like it would be in the entertainment industry, but what my dreams may be, aren't necessarily what is productive. Lots of risk taking in entertainment, there is no guarantee of success. I want to be able to obtain land, and protect and provide for myself and others. Then there's those strange violent thoughts, images of just killing freakish mutants and taking trophies. 

It's hard to know myself. Entertainment seems nice, Archaeology, traveling and finding secrets. Strange interests in the Occult, despite my skepticism towards it all. My desires for power and such. 


My desire to kill freaks, to take trophies. Idk Idk Idk Idk Idk


This shit is flooding my head, I got a friend trying to get me out of my house before I explode, but man this economy really is fucking something. 

That fucking haze, idk sometimes I contemplate homelessness, wander until I die. Same reason why I should just go do that Russian thing and see that drone drop a grenade on me. Death Drive? Maybe, but all this talk, all these dreams. So many hobbies and skills I wish to take up, or how I want to get property for all my friends, who have their own lives, who aren't guaranteed to walk this path with me, and scheduling, and the shitty work shifts that are meaningless really, designed to keep you from living fulfilling lives. Nay, instead grind down. Grind down, Grind down. Working for a tech corp really gives me these fucking Luddite thoughts, despite being anti-luddite. Not saying I have it worst, I def don't. So many more would be happier in my position, but even so. I am unable to love it. It just is. It just is. It just is. It Just is. It Just Is. 

I went with a friend and his friends to an Anime Convention over the weekend and I was high as fuck there. Idk. I have a very contradicting mindset regarding it. 

Some of the outfits were cool, and yes of course. There was a lot of attractive girls there, especially with the type of stuff they were wearing, as well as a lot of mutant freaks. I don't claim to be amazing myself. I've always been "depressed" "sad" "gloomy" at social events? I mean aspects of them I have enjoyed but I always feel like an outsider. It's very easy for me to just criticize it all, even though I'm not better. I rot and wither away physically and mentally. 

I overheard weird dramas like a group of cosplaying anime girls talking about how this one bitch tried to get a job at the maid cafe. (I was in a more urban area, I come from rural shithole hick town) I felt weird images of schadenfreude and morbidity as I imagined apocalypse and how a lot of these people use this indulgences as escapism, (I know I'm literally in this same exact boat.) but I guess arrogantly ignorant or ignorantly arrogant as I am, I somehow imagine that I'd fair better, maybe not physically by any stretch, but mentally but even that's a lie. I'd just be laughing like a maniac. Not necessarily SOUND of MIND. 

I mean, I'd like to try cosplaying I guess, I wouldn't mind having a girlfriend that does it, but I also just have a distaste for how the culture around stuff like Anime operates, but I guess that is literally the case with most fandoms. One of the guys with me was a Furry, but not in a fursuit, he wants to make one, so I slept through a panel on how to make a fursuit. It was cringe but I investigated the person who held the conference and while I myself may look at fursuits with slight cringe, the person seemed to not be an outright NSFW degenerate so that's a plus I'll say. 

I get on some level enjoying furry art, my left hand man is that way, but he and I disagree with investing grands on fursuits. 

Chaotik said: 

I went with a friend and his friends to an Anime Convention over the weekend and I was high as fuck there. Idk. I have a very contradicting mindset regarding it. 

Some of the outfits were cool, and yes of course. There was a lot of attractive girls there, especially with the type of stuff they were wearing, as well as a lot of mutant freaks. I don't claim to be amazing myself. I've always been "depressed" "sad" "gloomy" at social events? I mean aspects of them I have enjoyed but I always feel like an outsider. It's very easy for me to just criticize it all, even though I'm not better. I rot and wither away physically and mentally. 

I overheard weird dramas like a group of cosplaying anime girls talking about how this one bitch tried to get a job at the maid cafe. (I was in a more urban area, I come from rural shithole hick town) I felt weird images of schadenfreude and morbidity as I imagined apocalypse and how a lot of these people use this indulgences as escapism, (I know I'm literally in this same exact boat.) but I guess arrogantly ignorant or ignorantly arrogant as I am, I somehow imagine that I'd fair better, maybe not physically by any stretch, but mentally but even that's a lie. I'd just be laughing like a maniac. Not necessarily SOUND of MIND. 

I mean, I'd like to try cosplaying I guess, I wouldn't mind having a girlfriend that does it, but I also just have a distaste for how the culture around stuff like Anime operates, but I guess that is literally the case with most fandoms. One of the guys with me was a Furry, but not in a fursuit, he wants to make one, so I slept through a panel on how to make a fursuit. It was cringe but I investigated the person who held the conference and while I myself may look at fursuits with slight cringe, the person seemed to not be an outright NSFW degenerate so that's a plus I'll say. 

I get on some level enjoying furry art, my left hand man is that way, but he and I disagree with investing grands on fursuits. 

Did you try actually talking with anyone there? 

Turncoat said: 

Chaotik said: 

I went with a friend and his friends to an Anime Convention over the weekend and I was high as fuck there. Idk. I have a very contradicting mindset regarding it. 

Some of the outfits were cool, and yes of course. There was a lot of attractive girls there, especially with the type of stuff they were wearing, as well as a lot of mutant freaks. I don't claim to be amazing myself. I've always been "depressed" "sad" "gloomy" at social events? I mean aspects of them I have enjoyed but I always feel like an outsider. It's very easy for me to just criticize it all, even though I'm not better. I rot and wither away physically and mentally. 

I overheard weird dramas like a group of cosplaying anime girls talking about how this one bitch tried to get a job at the maid cafe. (I was in a more urban area, I come from rural shithole hick town) I felt weird images of schadenfreude and morbidity as I imagined apocalypse and how a lot of these people use this indulgences as escapism, (I know I'm literally in this same exact boat.) but I guess arrogantly ignorant or ignorantly arrogant as I am, I somehow imagine that I'd fair better, maybe not physically by any stretch, but mentally but even that's a lie. I'd just be laughing like a maniac. Not necessarily SOUND of MIND. 

I mean, I'd like to try cosplaying I guess, I wouldn't mind having a girlfriend that does it, but I also just have a distaste for how the culture around stuff like Anime operates, but I guess that is literally the case with most fandoms. One of the guys with me was a Furry, but not in a fursuit, he wants to make one, so I slept through a panel on how to make a fursuit. It was cringe but I investigated the person who held the conference and while I myself may look at fursuits with slight cringe, the person seemed to not be an outright NSFW degenerate so that's a plus I'll say. 

I get on some level enjoying furry art, my left hand man is that way, but he and I disagree with investing grands on fursuits. 

Did you try actually talking with anyone there? 

 Not really, I was a bit out of it with how high I was. The guys I was with kept taking selfies with people in fursuits. I didn't take any pictures with anyone or really buy any merch. Someone was dressed as King Dedede which I didnt approach him. 

I think next time, if I ever go to another. I'll try to dress as something and maybe try to socialize with the people there.

I was wearing my starsign necklace, a cthulhu shirt, and I have a serbian purple tigerstripe camo button up with a cthulhu patch on it, and generic cheap black camo cargo pants. 


All in all, I feel pretty unsatisfied with existence. I keep having thoughts of just disappearing entirely from everything. Even when I do think about what hobbies or interests I want to explore, I get too much into, there's so much, but uncertainty of what time I have left in this world. 

I'd like to go back to college and study forensics, anthropology, and linguistics but I hate the idea of debt. In regards to cyber security, I'll just eventually get my certs for that. I also want to try to maybe do improv, maybe get into some form of entertainment. Idk. Ultimately, surely I am definitively fucked no matter what. People tell me I'd be a funny streamer or content creator but I know that I'd crash and burn because of cancel culture, etc. Thus the thoughts of looping ad nauseum of Military Military Military which always screams in the back of my head as there are aspects to such a life that I miss. Even if its filled with corruption and false promises. 

This thread created 3 years ago. My procrastination years before it.

As I struggle to decide what path. I hate this comfort, I hate this laziness. While I dream of creating art, and making joyful memories with those I love and maybe one day starting a family, my conviction and obsession with the greater issues of the world drive me to want to sacrifice these dreams of joy and happiness to be part of something grander. 

Chaotik said: 

Turncoat said: 

Chaotik said: 

I went with a friend and his friends to an Anime Convention over the weekend and I was high as fuck there. Idk. I have a very contradicting mindset regarding it. 

Some of the outfits were cool, and yes of course. There was a lot of attractive girls there, especially with the type of stuff they were wearing, as well as a lot of mutant freaks. I don't claim to be amazing myself. I've always been "depressed" "sad" "gloomy" at social events? I mean aspects of them I have enjoyed but I always feel like an outsider. It's very easy for me to just criticize it all, even though I'm not better. I rot and wither away physically and mentally. 

I overheard weird dramas like a group of cosplaying anime girls talking about how this one bitch tried to get a job at the maid cafe. (I was in a more urban area, I come from rural shithole hick town) I felt weird images of schadenfreude and morbidity as I imagined apocalypse and how a lot of these people use this indulgences as escapism, (I know I'm literally in this same exact boat.) but I guess arrogantly ignorant or ignorantly arrogant as I am, I somehow imagine that I'd fair better, maybe not physically by any stretch, but mentally but even that's a lie. I'd just be laughing like a maniac. Not necessarily SOUND of MIND. 

I mean, I'd like to try cosplaying I guess, I wouldn't mind having a girlfriend that does it, but I also just have a distaste for how the culture around stuff like Anime operates, but I guess that is literally the case with most fandoms. One of the guys with me was a Furry, but not in a fursuit, he wants to make one, so I slept through a panel on how to make a fursuit. It was cringe but I investigated the person who held the conference and while I myself may look at fursuits with slight cringe, the person seemed to not be an outright NSFW degenerate so that's a plus I'll say. 

I get on some level enjoying furry art, my left hand man is that way, but he and I disagree with investing grands on fursuits. 

Did you try actually talking with anyone there? 

 Not really

Well there we go, work on that then.