Maybe there's some truth to the things you've said of me in the past TC, and maybe those problems still persist. I know I have issues, problem is even when it comes to confiding in friends with things that probably contribute to why I am the way I am, it only really becomes this weird situation where they are there for me, but are unable to really comment as it's just surreal and absurd.
I care about my friends and even with my ambitions, I fear I'll hurt them even if they believe in me and want to be with me. The bottom line despite all the Napoleonic, Temujin type shit is to obtain the power and resources necessary to get property, to get the necessities to be able to take in my friends and help them should they need it, or if they want to live with me and contribute, we would build our own community, while also getting involved in whatever local communities are near us.
Maybe I am self-interested, maybe I am a narcissist, but I check in on my friends a lot and try to be there for them when they vent to me, and I guess it wouldn't be far fetched to say that I enjoy listening to their problems and helping them. It does make me feel powerful especially when they tell me my advice helps them, and even when I am able to see through them when they are upset and be able to tell what is exactly wrong. I consider these friends like family, even though I fear I'll hurt them all one day and even jokingly tell them they'll have to kill me one day before I get too crazy or depressingly speak of how I may need to just go poof and try to start a slate anew. It's hard for me to do that though, because that would be abandoning them.
As for homicidal thoughts, yes I've calmed down a lot regarding that, there are people I think should still die and if it were in my hands I would take on the sins and blame to commit such acts and accept the punishment, be it execution. For the most part though, I think a lot of people need rehabilitation through labor, even me. I think giving everyone jobs that are productive will fix a lot of people and teach them skills. I'd volunteer to go to the Gulag and work with everyone to improve.
I am not perfect, I hope to improve, become stable, actually be human and maybe find love, someone I can cherish, someone I can take on an adventure, hopeless romantics type shit.
Overall, I'm the type of person to force my friends to watch various movies, or listen to songs I think they need to experience, I'll force them to watch things I know they'd love and try to build upon concepts like a visionary. I do this with all things, food, etc. Often times people are so resistant and then when I finally get them to experience what I wanted them to, they love it.
I constantly think about these things, this power I need, to be able to protect them and others, especially given my strange affinity for very dark and mind-shattering things, and my belief that things can and will go wrong. I can't bare the concept of not being able to protect them if an apocalypse were to happen. I try to keep in touch and always be there for them as much as possible.
I got friends who want to move to the States, and I want to help them get here. We talk about getting property together along with some of my other friends here in the States. We speak of developing skills to be self-sufficient, to train and defend ourselves and such, I want to build relations with whatever local communities we'll eventually be living near, and build trust and collaboration, so that if shit did hit the fan, we could co-operate and grow. Especially if I were able to be a good leader, gain the support of these people, build a movement, etc.
Bla bla bla I am always stuck in this pattern, but I like to think I'm becoming better over time. I have a lot of faith even despite my weird dark absurdist humor that my friends and I joke about. I get teary eyed at the darkness that exists but understand my mission in life is to try to protect those I love and try to do more for this world in the ways I think fit. Even if I'm not the defacto leader bla bla bla, if I could contribute to something grand so be it.
