Yesterday was a year since I found myself in a ward. A strange time in my life. Things feel like its repeating though, as I've felt strange again, and just a lot of confusion on what is really me and what isn't. Luckily, I have a therapy appointment scheduled for next monday, and I am going to have to force myself to go and keep going. Even though, I hold a lot of distrust and parts of me want to just disregard it and say "oh well nothings actually wrong with me" then downplay it all.
Trying to work on getting a new job again, so that I can actually save up and get out. Urges to obtain Acid and see what happens have been strong.
I vaguely recall a conversation with TC years ago that probably was true to some degree, though I am probably misinterpreting such. It was about my fascination with certain fictional and nonfictional characters that reflect my views and perhaps to some degree I act like them? Mimic them? Perhaps I am wrong and that wasn't the conversation, I don't want to assume. I just don't know who I am. I've had some weird homicidal thoughts recently, and I want to kill my brother but I refuse to. I keep having weird fantasies of being a serial killer. It's edgy, it's retarded, and no I don't view myself as some sort of sociopath. Though, if I could get away with murder. I probably wouldn't hesitate, since the victims of my serial killings would be pedophiles and other fucks if I had that power, but obviously as I sit here typing to this void it's painfully obvious that I may never achieve the dreams that plague my skull and constantly rage behind my eye sockets, giving me headaches and confusion. Even thinking about it creates an obsession and headache and further confusion.
My father figure died when I was 9, and I never really fit in too well with school, was always bad at socializing, especially with girls. I grew up essentially a loner and while I had friends, they all actually had hobbies and hung out together after school. I kind of just rotted in isolation. So maybe these all contribute a lot to whatever it is I suffer from. I just don't know who I am, I question memories. I question what is truly me. If the things I feel are real, what my true purpose in life is, what to do. A lot of things really. If I watch a show that I like it can put me into a different theme and dream. I have an aesthetic I desire, that is never truly 100% defined and it annoys me. I dream of it. I don't know to create it if that makes any sense.
Perhaps its rambling nonsense. 21 years going on 22 soon of what has felt like a bunch of meaningless garbage and its hard to justify such an existence.
You’re on the right track. This existence, regardless of what you do, is empty, unless you find God. Everything else is material and will fade. God will keep you safe and out of trouble, but you have to trust Him. First that He’s real and then that He died and then that He came back to life. Then that He did that because He loves YOU and doesn’t want you to be paid for your sins with death, so He took what you earned, onto Himself and defeated it, so we don’t have to die if we believe in Him.
This opens up the answer to what is your purpose and that is just to help people turn to God and be saved from death. There’s a lot of ways you can help people with that, including just being the light in their life, so they see the light at the end of the tunnel, which is God and once you have God in you, you. Kindness, gentleness, meekness, love, joy, peace, and self control are the fruit of the spirit, which you earn from choosing God.
You get to spread that to people and show them it’s possible, even though everyone else is mean and selfish. You can literally fix the world with one kind word or gesture at a time, but to do that, you need the Will of God, which you get after choosing Him, via baptism and once you have the Will of God, you’ll want to help everyone with everything, which is your new purpose. Being a representative of God and His Kingdom, on earth.
