Alternatively, if this is what you think I believe, than clearly you can't understand because I am constantly questioning how I perceive and if I am wrong, constantly trying to critique myself, maybe I go in loops, maybe I don't change that much but the process is still there. I don't claim to know everything, I don't claim to be infallible. The mind is influenced heavily by what it interacts with, upbringing, material conditions, and what it comes into contact with.
A solipsist can care about other people though, as extensions of themselves, and you use your peer group to try to motivate you while also claiming to be it's leader.
You see the problem juuust far enough to know you have to hand the reigns to someone else, but you even this far along still struggle to do it. Even the endgoal is very self-centered, as are all your rambles you post.
So much of your posting has been post-justification, and your use of "I statements" is staggering even compared to the local narcs.
For real, I cannot relate to this sheer lack of empathy. Most people I talk to are more distracted by their peers than you are, while you seem to struggle to comprehend other people. Rather than stating anything about them, all you typically can conjure is how they made you feel, and even your attempt to participate in other topics comes across as strange and forced once you feel shamed/motivated into trying it on again.
I have the same advice as before; let other people in. Try focusing on someone else for a change, as you seem to hate focusing on yourself in spite of the habit. Even reading a book or watching a show should help simulate this, but knowing you you'd probably just proxy onto the character you relate to the most instead of trying to figure the bigger picture.
To your credit though, before this point you before were even more prone to externalizing blame to being because of 'the world', even attacking people who had traits that gave you some kind of ingroup cringe or something as an outlet for how you could not hit yourself.
You also do not talk about your hunger for murder as often, but rather a sense of loneliness and pointlessness you can't seem to bridge over.
To me, it's just absurd. The way I talk here is vastly different than with my friends. Here it is more self-orientated, since this is just where I ramble. I don't use them to motivate myself, and I am the "leader". I make the plans for the friend group, if there's conflict, I'll be the mediator, host movie night, etc. This isn't that out of the norm.
Unsure of what you mean by me handing the reigns to someone else? Do you think in life I give up on things and let other people do the work? Or is this, because I can't do shit myself in terms of growth, its therefore me handing you the reigns of exposing myself?
As for friends, I just don't go into detail due to paranoia that they could find this one day, everything about me being on this site I hate because the archive, the accumulation of me here. The ramblings dont help either.
How do I "focus on someone else" in your meaning?
Turncoat said:Okay I get how some disordered people are prone to externalizing blame and, as such, conveniently scapegoat this website while also continuing to attend or lurk the place, but your claiming this has to be the weirdest take.Chaotik said:I believe this forum also contributes to my continous failure, due to my toxic relationship with it, so I will try to stay away as much as that may fail.
You're the one failing you, not the forum. Most people ignore you here.
Chaotik said:I am not blaming the site or people in it. I am blaming my own interactions with it. I think my rambling does nothing and I am too obsessed with rambling while doing nothing about it.
Chaotik said:I feel like there is a great disconnect in how you perceive my speech.
I act inwardly here as it is hard for me to realistically relate to anyone on this forum and it is a struggle to try. Especially when I contradictory and pardoxically dislike the idea of getting close to anyone here. My ramblings I dislike because fundamentally I dont think it helps and I hate that there is this footprint of my existence, even if no one gives a fuck.
I am very vague, and disconnected for this reason. This place is where I am like in a fever dream rambling the more lucid and strange thoughts that come to mind. Yes, there is an ego and I like it when others talk about me or say things about me, negative or not because I find it interesting, but I don't think its narcissism, I am just bored and seek attention here.
Only a hand few people here I would be willing to meet and discuss. But overall, I don't think it would work well since I think I am just that much more different, until I discover myself and actual pick up hobbies and become fleshed out, I don't think I can even realistically interact with those who peak my interest.
Turncoat said:Chaotik said:Turncoat said:
In Chaotik's case, rather than needing to find himself he ought to explore others to develop himself.He is stagnating because he cannot take others in.When you say that, it's hard for me to conceptualize what you are exactly saying by that.
Turncoat said:Maybe this is where to start then.
Is it hard for you to conceptualize how another person's thinking?Even when it comes to them you make it all about you when talking about them.Chaotik said:I interact with people on the daily, and there are friends I have that I talk to about deep shit and confide in, and such.
Chaotik said:Except I don't, we talk a great deal about shit they do, about what I do or topics that dont even include us ourselves like history, shows, news, politics and such. I rarely ever talk about myself unless its venting about my life or something that happened in a day.
Most of the time in regards to personal lives, its my friends talking to me about shit, venting, and if they want it I give advice. Since shit can be stressful. I don't consider myself an amazing advice giver but in my group for so long Ive been the mediator and shit and for the most part my friends tell me I have good ideas and such.
Its not hard for me at all to conceptualize what others think. I can pretty mucb tell when my friends are upset or if something is up and I have a pretty good intuition of guessing what it is based on how they act.
As for the "world", sure maybe some of it was projection, but not all of it. Murder is still there, its just pointless to talk about.
In the end, there's no real convincing you because you don't know me outside of this forum and there's no changing that. There's nothing to gain from me being here, its why I just want to leave and stay gone. This should be forgotten and just an irrelevant foot note in your community's history.
I leave in 2 weeks for Boot. Good luck to you all, even TC who assumed that this was just some ploy of riding off someone else's goals because apparently I'm incapable of doing anything myself? Not sure, my friend still has yet to go talk to recruiters, no clue when he will but I wish him luck all the same.
Flawed that I am, I am looking forward to this change in life, a new chapter to become something, instead of decaying, withering away mindlessness madness.
Good luck, I may visit again time shall tell. Preferably though, I'd rather not see this place ever again.
and thus for sentimentality in my head.
I fly home today, it wasnt as it all seemed, I got out of the army because of a medical condition but its what I wanted. It was a disappointment to what I was expecting which wasnt much to begin with. I knew it was on the decline but it didn't even try to at least be somewhat motivating and in my company, majority of the trainees just don't grow up, continue to act like children, and get themselves fucked over. I may consider a different branch like airforce or navy in a reservist role so that I could focus on other projects like in information technology. The knowledge and skills I was hoping to get out of the army, I know I can develop outside of it, and that's what I'll strive to do. I hope this year has been treating you all well, and happy holidays.
At least I lost 30 pounds
What medical condition?
Idk why I didn't even elaborate on it, its nothing really though. Literally just flat feet.
