Do you ever read your older entries?
I do, alot of it is a broken record, as no matter what I feel as if nothing has changed. I have a job thats it. All I can do is wait for things beyond by control like paper work to go through. Its going to change soon. A lot will. I know it.
My biggest issue is excuses I make, I've been pretty sick recently, and I've lost around 15 pounds, I stopped going for runs which I need to do again, I need to really work on pushups and situps everyday, and also I need to put time towards learning Russian and maybe reading, even if its all going to get halted soon when I am going through basic and AIT.
Too much ideas in my head though, I need to just make my basic plan and stick to it, as much as I may find it easy to get distracted, like when trying to learn one language, and then thinking of another, etc. Overwhelmed by possibilities, but that must change, and it shall. One at a time.
I come up with too many contingency ideas with no real plans of action into them, I have just a vague notion of goals I want to achieve, but there is no certainty that the conditions for this life I talk about wanting to set up with my friends is even possible, or if they are truly as invested in it as me.
No matter what happens, my goal will be to keep in touch with them.
when I get settled
I'm going to have space to practice writing and shit
and reading
and I'm going to try to fucking study while serving
Its hard to keep hobbies in my current situation
since I have no real desk to actually place shit on to right or anything
I'm just hunched over
and fuck that
I would get no privacy or quiet from family trying to do anything in the living room and they would just annoy the fuck out of me
Its been like this always
trying to do homework at home was fucking aids
I've grown such a distaste for this mere area that I can't do anything and that's a weakness
As much as I say it
Change needs to happen and I have for too long wasted time on meaningless garbage.
Like unironically just watching amongus content for the past three years because it has youtubers I remembered from nostalgia, but it literally serves zero fucking purpose, its not valuable in any realistic way. It's like being a fucking vegetable.
I believe this forum also contributes to my continous failure, due to my toxic relationship with it, so I will try to stay away as much as that may fail.
Okay I get how some disordered people are prone to externalizing blame and, as such, conveniently scapegoat this website while also continuing to attend or lurk the place, but your claiming this has to be the weirdest take.
You're the one failing you, not the forum. Most people ignore you here.
I believe this forum also contributes to my continous failure, due to my toxic relationship with it, so I will try to stay away as much as that may fail.
Okay I get how some disordered people are prone to externalizing blame and, as such, conveniently scapegoat this website while also continuing to attend or lurk the place, but your claiming this has to be the weirdest take.
You're the one failing you, not the forum. Most people ignore you here.
I am not blaming the site or people in it. I am blaming my own interactions with it. I think my rambling does nothing and I am too obsessed with rambling while doing nothing about it.
I feel like there is a great disconnect in how you perceive my speech.
I act inwardly here as it is hard for me to realistically relate to anyone on this forum and it is a struggle to try. Especially when I contradictory and pardoxically dislike the idea of getting close to anyone here. My ramblings I dislike because fundamentally I dont think it helps and I hate that there is this footprint of my existence, even if no one gives a fuck.
I am very vague, and disconnected for this reason. This place is where I am like in a fever dream rambling the more lucid and strange thoughts that come to mind. Yes, there is an ego and I like it when others talk about me or say things about me, negative or not because I find it interesting, but I don't think its narcissism, I am just bored and seek attention here.
Only a hand few people here I would be willing to meet and discuss. But overall, I don't think it would work well since I think I am just that much more different, until I discover myself and actual pick up hobbies and become fleshed out, I don't think I can even realistically interact with those who peak my interest.
