Sociopath Community

Chaotik said: 

Turncoat said: 

Medical statements? 

 Its just mumbo jumbo beaurcracy. I got food poisoning awhile back, in my case it was colotis caused by bacteria. Because cololitis can be chronic, they wanted to know if it was, but it wasn't. The doctors told me it was because of what I ate and it would clear up and since then I haven't had anything, so my recruiter wanted me to just sign a statement of me just saying that on paper so that his superiors can stop giving a fuck. 

 The military tries to do thorough as fuck medical background checks. Nothing to disqualify me though.

And thus soon to be gone, as its all smooth sailing from here. I may make appearances somewhere in this forum's vicinity one day, but otherwise except for a few pop ins before I'm truly gone, I wish those with actual worth luck. 

Chaotik said: 

And thus soon to be gone, as its all smooth sailing from here. I may make appearances somewhere in this forum's vicinity one day, but otherwise except for a few pop ins before I'm truly gone, I wish those with actual worth luck. 

 Nothing ever gets to be as smooth as can be, when its the military, set backs but it will come, just the bureaucratic process. 

Perhaps Turncoat is right in my ego being too big, perhaps I suffer from narcissism, and fixate on myself too much. If so, what is there to say or do on this matter? Is not this post itself just reveling in it, innately? it's all one big plot to feed my supply over and over again? Is that really what this is? Is even asking that damning? What is this? perhaps its nothing at all but nonsense. 

My coworker tells me I need to get laid, and then yesterday they were all talking about the psychos they've gone through, and such and I just can't relate obviously. Sure maybe sex could change something about me, but I have no reason to pursue hook-ups, its just not something that interests me. I'd rather improve myself, and wait until I have a stable life to try to find love, and hopefully someone to build a future with, than randomly fuck people. I just see it as hedonistic pursuits that are empty in the long run. 

Maybe when I get out of this area, and I'm forced out of my shell that could change but so far in my encounters of love, a girl I loved unreciprocated killed herself and her abusive ex is raising her daughter as if nothing happened, and the other I merely check on to make sure she's okay, and if I could, I'd give her everything in my will if I died one day, but she wouldn't accept that.

I know things wouldn't work out between her and I, and I accept that. I just want her to be happy. She was kind to me in our youth when I felt alone, and while that is a strange phrase, and means very little to her, it meant a lot to me I guess, even though I have my delusions and confusions about myself, my past, etc etc. 

Just waiting, its all just waiting, the waiting you know waiting? That thing that never stops coming, the waiting. Driving me up a god damn wall. Waiting, but there's a lot more waiting to come, don't worry, just the processes of civilization, too much waiting, too much bullshit, too much waiting. It's driving me craaaaazzzzzyyy.

This life has been NOTHING of use, nothing of purpose, just wastes and waiting, Wastes and waiting. That wastes of waiting. Burning, withering away, As all these incomprehensible thoughts continue to penetrate my skull, making my eyes leak, so much I want to do, learn, achieve. So much to become, so much. Even if I die, to die trying, to maybe inspire another, set the foundation for something beautiful, so much. Perhaps, so Much 


I want to travel, to see mankind, to understand mankind, to be something more than this now, this now this now. What I am now, is nothing, meaningless meaningless wasting away, of nothing no purpose, nothing. Nothing at all, others are more than me, but I am nothing. Rotting away, staring.

Fresh Start is what I need. A fresh start, before its too late. 

The ramblings I do here are anything but great, they don't actually help in anyway, its just ramblings upon ramblings. This boredom is consuming me. A guy I knew from high school is in Japan right now, he went there by himself on a trip just to see, and he already got invited to a formal house party and made friends, he is traveling, site seeing, new experiences and I am rotting here. I have so many dreams to see the world, all the ancient sites, historical shit. Study the religions, the philosophies, etc So much to do, so much to do. 


Yet here I am, in this dirty ass room, rotting away on a hot summer day. On this computer, staring at a screen. Achieving nothing currently in this waking moment. It is sickening very much so. Disgusting, awful. I am infuriated with this. 

Do you ever read your older entries?