so its looking like i might as well just try to enter as soon as I can, just because i know how I am, I know how my situation is, there's no reality where things go smoothly, its just an excuse for procrastination. my goal is to just get as much prepared for asvab and dlab as I can
then just enlist, and hopefully ship out quickly
Can't have everything be good, can't achieve everything, some sacrifices, some choices are just hard.
Perhaps on better footing I can return to past problems and try to reconcile them, but as it is now, there is simply no means, and to speak of such is just a means of procrastination on my part, and is just the weakness of fear of change when change is something I desperately crave rather than to continue to rot in my own skull, especially with this dependence of the internet, everything seemingly bleak, boring, and driving me further and further into bitter self-destructive thoughts.
Even my friends, all of them, even people I knew agree that I just need to get away and find myself, not necessarily through military, but I am going through military as I deem it necessary for my life. I probably won't get the MOS I want, as that requires passing the DLAB, and I would have to be really good at linguistics, I plan on taking a practice test for it, and I will see, but if not I have backup options regardless.
I need to put focus on improving my ASVAB score as I am rusty on Arithmetic and Mathematics.
Sometime next week likely, I take the ASVAB and from there I'll find out. Apparently the Army itself has a new program they do in Fort Jackson, where they just send you there to get in shape if you're not ready for boot camp itself, rather than delayed entry program, which is still used more for like high schoolers and such. So, when I enlist, I'll probably be leaving here soon.
Not sure if I'll ever be back here again, right now I'm trying to basically gather what data I actually need and wipe the rest, and my goal is to put it on some sort of flashdrive, and put it somewhere until I get out.
I have a study group for the ASVAB, my friend and I we were going through it. Really just rusty on formulas and some basic shit. I got faith.
Regardless of if I am a "narcissist" if I am a "schizophrenic" labels thrown at me recently, I would've never saw it coming. Apparently TC thinks I view the world as I am above, and amazing lacking people skills and unable to actually read people. What a grand and intoxicating innocence. Med just called me a schizo since she has nothing of substance.
I am nothing but a young loner who fucked up some parts of my life, and I have dreams of putting myself on a path better than rotting in this god damn home with no feelings of any connection to this place or most of the people I know, I must master my own destiny. There are only fragments of my life that feel true, the rest is strange, distorted, disconnected. Meaningless, and annoyances.
I have been improving my math skills as I've been long rusty and while its not as perfect as it could be, I know it will get better, and I have faith.
The only mental illness I probably have is some form of depression and overtime just becoming more and more irritable rather woe is me. As like an diagnosis.
I can recognize that I have dark thoughts inside my skull that I don't care for, you think I enjoy images of naked girls who liked me in the past with their heads decapitated? I have terrible sexual fantasies that play out in my head that I regard as degeneracy and I am a sinner and I recognize such, and I don't think I would ever act out these bullshit demonic shit fucking thoughts because that's all they are. Thoughts. Nothing more. It's just demonic garbage wanting to blare in my head because of the consequences of my upbringing on the hellscape that is the internet.
