But ideally that doesn't even happen since I dont really want to be here, as I am disillusioned with a lot of things online, not just here, and I want to actually have a functional life. Not of bland meaninglessness.
But ideally that doesn't even happen since I dont really want to be here, as I am disillusioned with a lot of things online, not just here, and I want to actually have a functional life. Not of bland meaninglessness.
I'm still finding work myself. I have a petty income for now and recovering more fully for about 8days are still up I think. Quit videogames too.
There is just nothing of interest going on in my life, and I've tried to reach out people I've known but it just never really works out well, my main group of irl friends we hang out and have fun, but its not enough for me, and I just don't think there's any real room for growth.
I find myself more miserable here than when I am out and about. Not satisfied with my self-image. I hate that I rot in this room, I hate that I am chronically online. My room is a mess, and I want to clean it, but I have a deep resentment for this house, this area, its hard to care, to find joy. When I was living on campus, my room was clean and tidy, and I enjoyed that way of life.
These past few years have been zero growth, I just exist, that's it. Yea, I got a job now, and yea I did some college classes but none of that fits into the paradigm that I want for myself. I am going to try to get this room cleaned over the weekend.
Regardless, posting on this thread does nothing for me, and is another distraction, another indulgence. It is garbage.
Congrattiulations to see you come to this conclusion finally. You have been doing nothing but write garbage the entire time.
SC is dead
A lot of his message boils down to "I have big dreams of doing things I don't believe in, but I keep getting in my own way by doing what I'd rather be doing."
Largely a byproduct of self-loathing he's more than once tried to translate as hate for other people, closing himself off so hard he can't even seem to bridge with other people.
Ę̵̚x̸͎̾i̴͚̽s̵̻͐t̷͐ͅe̷̯͠n̴̤̚t̵̻̅i̵͉̿a̴̮͊l̵͍̂ ̴̹̕D̵̤̀e̸͓͂t̵̢͂e̴͕̓c̸̗̄t̴̗̿ï̶̪v̷̲̍é̵͔
And those things he dreams about, are, what, certain expectations people put on him?
He tries to use friends to piggieback himself into 'doing something with his life', as he has no belief in his own ability to self-motivate. He can't make himself read anything that'd help him improve and he isn't using any DIY or self-help guides, instead he insists that he needs a structured environment to have him do all of this for himself, even if he has to Sell Out to the Military, an agenda he does not believe in and has stated so many times, to do it.
The guy's a bored solipsist.
Ę̵̚x̸͎̾i̴͚̽s̵̻͐t̷͐ͅe̷̯͠n̴̤̚t̵̻̅i̵͉̿a̴̮͊l̵͍̂ ̴̹̕D̵̤̀e̸͓͂t̵̢͂e̴͕̓c̸̗̄t̴̗̿ï̶̪v̷̲̍é̵͔
And those things he dreams about, are, what, certain expectations people put on him?
He tries to use friends to piggieback himself into 'doing something with his life', as he has no belief in his own ability to self-motivate. He can't make himself read anything that'd help him improve and he isn't using any DIY or self-help guides, instead he insists that he needs a structured environment to have him do all of this for himself, even if he has to Sell Out to the Military, an agenda he does not believe in and has stated so many times, to do it.
The guy's a bored solipsist.
Oh. There are many people like that. Just coasting through life.
SC is dead
If you think I am truly a solipsist, that I am ego-centrical, that I am a narcissist, that I don't care about others than there's nothing I can say to change your mind, as I've tried to explain countless times over and over.
It's not that I don't have self-motivation, its that its lacking, its that I get distracted easily by a lot of things. I have responded to you in other threads TC, and you just don't respond, I have never used my friends to "piggieback into doing something with my life" these are assumptions you've made to reinforce this image you have of me, when you dont even know me. The friend that is going in the army? I convinced him to want to go, as it could benefit us both in the long run.
I've wanted to serve in a military. That hasn't NOT been the case in many years. It's just that when I was younger, a few years ago I was more ignorant and such.
The issue is there is no room for growth in this area, and its hard for me to find joy with this life. I don't see the issue with trying to change that. I don't see how wanting to go to a more structured environment is even a bad thing.
If I have closed myself off with others, its not out of "because they are lesser" its because I just don't see how they can help me, and I would rather not burden them. Most of the time in my life, I have helped others. I have given money to those that needed it, and I have listened to others vent to me about their issues, and I try to help them when I can. I check in on them, and I try to always be there.
In regards to my friend group, I care a lot about them, I worry about the future and potentially losing contact with them, I try to think of how I can help them, and maybe in a way it could be controlling maybe so. I imagine us one day living in proximity to one another, and me being there able to protect. Some of my dreams though, involve things that could make me leave them behind, and thats the struggle I go through whether or not if the things I want to do truly are right, and if I may regret them because it may cost me contact with my friends and the ability to do shit with them.
Maybe I think in large delusional fanciful ways, but thats how I see it. I have big dreams, so big they're retarded. I have never come from the position that I am "destined to win, and rule" or whatever. I know that what comes into my mind could very well hurt me, and I could fail, that I could be a joke, doesn't fucking matter. I feel as though I should rather die trying to do these set of things I want to do, regardless of prejudice, regardless of rationale, regardless of any of that. In the grand scheme of things, I am and might as well be meaningless.
If you can't even see a modicum of what I'm trying to say, and you're just going to disregard it as delusional, as wrong. That I'm lying to myself, then I have nothing more to say to you.