Anyways I don’t know what to do today, so I think I’m going to work on.... something.
bruh her makeup collection is fucking goals.
also this eye look is bomb. this is the reason i'm into purchasing colored liners now. i'm just a fan of like, throwing someting interesting in the waterline to compliment the look idk. i just always love it when i see people do it.
the most interesting waterline color i've tried on myself was a maroon like, burgundy almost like "dark red blood" color. and i was living my goth/punk grunge fantasy with it. it was, amazing. lol
also, what are your thoughts on the gucci bronzer? does anyone actually think it's worth the purchase. i haven't seen anyone saying anything remarkable about it.
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12/11/2020 10:12:39 PM
You have no idea how much money I spent at Amazon today.
hehe, post a haul :P
You have no idea how much money I spent at Amazon today.
hehe, post a haul :P
It's all books, I'll feel like a narc.
I don’t have a lot of certainty surrounding identity.
I don’t have certainty regarding, any sort of diagnosis regarding my identity issues.
I haven’t had them professionally addressed necessarily.
But, despite that- I’m finally starting to accepting my parts, as individual parts of a whole. Regardless of what diagnosis I do or don’t have.
You have no idea how much money I spent at Amazon today.
hehe, post a haul :P
It's all books, I'll feel like a narc.
You don't already for bringing it up?~
I realized after having another OCD melt down today (this is like the 2nd one this month)
that I really need to accept, these things that bother me and like talk about them with a professional. Idk why i haven’t.
But... um. Like, finally just accep;ting. That i literally fucking have OCD
because it’s gotten bad like, and that control issue over that particular stuff
is one hundred and ten fucking percent directly related to trauma
and my inability to accept the trauma as well and that it happened is what is preventing me from having a consistent sense of identity and preventing it from integrating.
The reason there is differentiation and, walls, put up, is so that it’s easier to believe my own lies when i can’t handle the truth that this literally really happened, it’s my own refusal to accept that it did.
Which is done completely unconsciously.
But since I’ve been cracking at it like an egg it’s slowly showing me the truth inside. It’s, painful. Opening up these cracks. You know.
But believe it or not my OCD melt downs are a good indication of like, what is *real*. When i have no ability to tell otherwise.
And when i started stringing it all together and looking at the whole picture yeah it was just evident if you do the math, the outbursts are linked to trauma, the trauma is linked to identity, the need for control is linked to ocd, and the OCD goes back around in a circle linking to trauma.
So it goes like this
trauma —> lack of acceptance —> identity walls —> need for control —> OCD —> trauma
and around and around we go
ocd —> lack of acceptance —> identity walls
believe it or not this cycle lead to further traumatization and suffering because, of my inability to accept and move on from that fact like this literally happed ok. The stuff in my childhood.
My inability to accept it fully into all parts, and subjegating it off to only a few parts and dismissing them as if they’re not fucking real.
That is allowing me to forget, its preventing me from healing and becoming whole and, it’s allowing me to like... the amnesia literally is, letting me *stay* in a place where i suffer, rather than getting out.
These ‘habits’ of putting up identity walls so i can delude myself this shit didn’t happen to me, it, keeps me in a place that is small and tight, and controlled and just as miserable as, the experience with the abuse.
And I’m literally taking out all my trauma on myself. With these toxic conditions, creating a head space that is less than conducive for healthy, mental well being.
I don’t understand the substance abuse leg of it yet, that’s, another trauma thing. That i haven’t, i don’t fully understand that one as well as I’m starting to get, myself with the whole, ptsd, complex- identity, thing and. The ocd happens to be like, related to it too.
So like, the more denial i am in, about myself, my life, the tighter the control has to be.
That and also just trying to prevent from *seeing* those bad things that have become like phobias. Happen, to me cuz...idk how to handle it? I dunno it terrifies me just talking about it like, it gives me anxiety and works me up just *thinking* about the things I’m afraid of that i have OCD surrounding.
So yeah i mean, I’m sure it goes deeper than that I’m no fucking expert on it so thats why i have to see a professional but THATS my understanding of it so far, though very basic that, literally took *years* to figure out on my own so.
Might be fucking helpful if someone could speed it up for me and get me some real fuckking help. Mad that these other therapists didn’t help me like i would of helped myself if i had the understanding of psychology and degrees they did.
The more i learn and find out about ptsd, the better i am getting, but i have to really dig for the research. Where as they’ve literally already studied it and not in one instance did they like give me a fucking hand out or a work sheet to explain what the fuck was happening to me.
Just let me walk around blind in it dude. Fuck. Borderline negligent, i could of killed myself by now had i not been smart enough to read about it and then like, actually had the ability to become aware of myself and what was going on and also was willing to accept what i was reading and not negate it out of some form of denial or obtuse reasoning
god it gives me a fucking HEAD ACHE why didn’t anyone HELP ME when I’m literally sitting there BEGGING for HELP what IDIOTS fuck!!!!
its like realizing you’ve been wandering in a fucking desert for three fucking years starving and fending off wolves and literally on the brink of death hallucinating and talking to yourself from dehydration and probably eating the dead skin flakes off your fucking forehead
when the entire fucking time there was someone watching that had an airplane and a rescue bag full of water and whatever the fuck having a full feast. Literally just watching you starve to death while they had a banquet in their plane.
I seriously want to spit on my old therapists door step. Fuck you, after everything ive been through, i can’t even *pay* someone to do something right.
It’s so frustrating. It happens everywhere today. You pay a doctor thats not really good enough and gives you jack shit answers. Your dentist is shady and make mistakes or does a half assed job. Your surgeons TOO. My mom nearly DIED because a surgeon made a mISTAKE and tried to COVER IT UP TOO. The guy had no fucking mORALITY.
And I’m just sick OF IT. IM LITERALLY, sick of, this fucking planet my dude. Lol like, everyone has no fucking morality and no fucking heart and no fucking honesty they cant just be straight up and forward
why everyone scheming so much and falling for the bull shit
why cant someone just be fucking real. Why cant someone just say like, ‘yeah, I’m not reallly that great of a dentist. I don’t know how to do this, you should go somewhere else.” Or, “i made a mistake, and you’re going to get a lethal infection.”
And then on top of that, like benign, dishonesty, just people trying to save their own ass and protect themselves whatever, trying to get a leg up in the world, whatever the fuck reasons they have for it.
Then you have people who are actually just flat out bad people. And are literally out to fucking eat you alive, and actually enjoy it, they get off on it, they’re proud, self assured, self righteous, a narcissistic eco chamber, whatever. They’re justified in all their wrong doings and walk on a fucking impenetrable cloud of blissful ignorance and total ignorance to empathy as well.
And somehow nothing ever comes down on them. You know? They walk away unscathed everytime. People think they’re good people. They get, all the friends, the money, the success. They get away with their crimes, they do no jail time. And the people they hurt are too powerless to do anything about it.
I’m fucking sick, of shit people. This isn’t about, republican or democrat, or black, or white- or, Chinese, or American, or communist, socialist, fascist whatever the fuck or fuckign democracy. I don’t give a shit about the founding fathers and some stupid fuckign constitution just as much as i dont give a shit about the next guys random fucking opinion on twitter about some stupid current bull shit the news and media are pumping you up about!
I care about the real fucking people int he world who are getting the living shit kick out of them daily by life despite trying their fucking hardest. For literally no fucking reason everything seems to be so much fucking harder. Getting the short end of the stick, when they don’t deserve it.
I just don’t have much chill anymore for it, no tolerance.
Like, when people act a fool. Like those ‘bad people’ i was talking about. I see it *immediately* I’m no fucking dumb stupid TWAT. I SEE IT. And I just immediately stand up and do something about it because I’m not a fucking pussy like everyone.
It’s one of the few perks of being completely broken down, like, to be broken in that way where life you don’t see it the same anymore you know. Is that i have some fucking balls. I stand up and say shit when shit isn’t right. No matter how terrifying it might be, or bad it might make me look. I tell the fucking truth. Even when it hurts. I lay it out like a dead fish on the table and let it reak and i make sure everyone fucking smells it.
because i am SICK and FUCKING TIRED. Of just letting it pass me fucking by.
and to anyone who has anything to say about it, while I’m rational and willing and open to discussion, a large part of me
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12/14/2020 10:31:15 PM
Is fed up and just wants to say, shut the fuck up.
I wish i could shake people to wake them up. But, there’s just nothing you can do. They don’t get it. They can’t.
Because their brain, is just on a whole different island. A whole different wavelength. They don’t see the shit i do.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. But god, when i meet someone who fucking sees it like i do it sure is a fucking breath of fresh air.
I’m really glad my friend Zach reached out to me this past week. He’s actually a decent person. And god i need someone like that in my life again or I’m relaly gonna snap. Someone who gets it.
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12/14/2020 10:34:29 PM