Sociopath Community

I see this phrase all the time floating around, “i thought you were different, but turns out your’e just like the rest.” 

And i couldn’t relate harder. I always have hopes in everyone that they have that inside them, that thing. It’s like searching for a glimmering rock in haystack of fucking SHITE. 

God... and I’m just so tired of smearing manure on myself and doing, brain surgery on people’s heads just to get them to even faintly look in the direction, of my island of thought. 

They’re just on such a fucking different wavelength man, literally never in a million years will they comprehend what I’m even fucking talking about. They miss it. They miss it all. 

And i just have to like, go along with it and be patient. And be patient. And, be, patient. With people. 

But god when someone gets it.... when they’re not BLIND by all the bull shit. You know. And i mean, all, the bull shit..... 

it’s so refreshing. 

While we’re talking about woke shit. 

I also wanted to mention, lately everything seems as if it’s running in circles. Like, literally ground hog day. 

I’m extremely grateful for my life the way it is, even if it was fucked up in the past. Because i can manage to make the best of that now and i have people to thank for that. 

But, people. The people i love, they are also, resigned, to, simplicity, and, their own, mental and physical trappings. 

And i don’t know if they notice because they’re so blind, to it. But, they literally repeat themselves like, every single week. 

It just goes around and around in a circle. The same subject matter they discuss, the same phrases they say, the same, everything. The same clothes, the same, plates. Sitting in the same places. 

And it just, is making me feel a bit insane like that episode of black mirror sometimes. 

This life, well. The white picket fence life has never uh, never been, something that i ever felt i was cut out for. I always felt like a square peg tryign to fit into a round hole at school and stuff but, the thing was i wasn’t even trying to fit it necessarily. I knew i didn’t and I didn’t care. 

But yeah um. I find sanctity and solace in the simplicity and the boredom of everyday modern life sometimes, but- other times i feel like, I’m coming out of my skull a bit from the mundane. 

Not that I’m not grateful it’s just um... yeah. That’s, just something I’ve noticed happening, in my life on occasion. Lately. 

It’s obviously due to COVID. That this is happening. But yeah. 

Round and round we go. And I’m just like, “when does this ride stop?” 

But it doesn’t. And it just feels kinda weird you know.... everyone else they drink on the weekends or, do copious amounts of acid to escape it and econvince themselves theyre free but. 

You know when’s the last time you really felt fucking free. 

I find freedom in the rebellious acts of kindness. Taking pleasure in my nephews smile and watching my niece walk for the first time. And just, simple things. You know. That’s where i take back, life, and i suck it dry every last drop i can get from it. 

Because i don’t really know where I’m going or what the fuck I’m supposed to do anymore, or if I really want to do anything at all. But i just literally enjoy the moment. Whatever moments there are to be had. I say yes when i normally would say no. I take on a conversation that, i don’t genuinely care about just to see where it goes. I do jobs that i don’t fit the description for. And play the guitar when i don’t even have any lyrics written yet. 

I’m not afraid to make mistakes and own up to them, and if people wanna judge me for that, so be it. But... life man. It’s too fucking short to get so hung up and sweat the small stuff that doesn’t really matter to you. Like..... what I’m saying is, people need to chill out and just enjoy the moment more. 

And idk how to make them see that. 

Idk how to make them see either that, when I’m saying this, it’s not coming from a place of judgement. 

People misinterpret my brutal honesty as, a malicious attack or a chance to engage in a fight of some sort. 

But i literally never want to fight. Ever. It’s not necessary and that’s not what I’m ever trying to do. If you think i am youi’re mistaken. If you think i think I’m above people in someway you’re mistaken. If you think i think higher of myself than others youre mistaken. Etc. 

I’m literally right there with you and i see you. But i just dont’ know how to reach you. 

I have conversations with all ego set aside. Always. that’s not the point of it. You know?

judgement, also, is a waste of time. Because you’re usually wrong anyways. Like, quit judging, and dial the ego down. And you’ll be fucking amazed at how your world opens up 

Fuck. Was reading this book 

Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation: Skills Training for Patients and Therapists; Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele, Onno van der Hart 

when I randomly started getting memories of dance class as a small child and my teeth started chattering like they always do when I get weird feeling. Sometimes i might tremble, other times i might feel sick. And I don’t know why it’s occurring, other times it’s in response to a trigger of some sort and I’m aware of the anxiety and what it’s about.

Then, I remembered staring out a window in my psychiatrists office and going into a dissociative trance when he snapped his fingers trying to get me to come back. After he had asked a question about sexual abuse. I dissociated. 

And then I had a flash back, recovering a memory from a period of time that is normally very buried and I dont’ think about at all. I sort of, forgot it. But it’s all coming back now since this one memory got jogged. My brain drew a connection, between the window I was staring out in my psychiatrists office- and a moment, in very early childhood, when I was staring out a window, that looked, similar and had a similar, view- to the street below. The second story. Of, my dance school. In the office of, the director of the ballet school. 

And I realized, the reason why I couldn’t stop looking at that window and dissociating in my psychiatrists office, after being prompted to talk about sexual abuse and my brain just completely dissociated in an attempt to not, notice it. Like the reason, that window... I dunno I just couldn’t stop staring at it. It’s because it was like, a connection to something familiar that I couldn’t put my finger on. 

A repressed memory of, abuse in childhood, at a dance school. 

After that a lot of details started flooding back in the form of images, of specific objects, and moments, and feelings, thoughts- I forgot that I had. And, conversations, with individuals I forgot existed. And suddenly, the nausea sort of came on- the same nausea I get whenever anyone talks about rape and child sexual assault. 

As I was remembering how someone took advantage of me, the things that he told me. 

And suddenly all these gaps in feelings and issues I have in my daily life, surrounding oddly specific things. Started to make perfect sense. I should of written them down because I honestly forgot now that it’s the next day. Yeah. 

I was too tired and feeling sick and dissociated from like, that flooding of shit in my head. It was very taxing and exhausting and I decided to give myself a break and stop thinking about it. It got to a point it was too much and I had to like, slow down or I was going to vomit. I felt very vulnerable as I was remembering these things, and I curled into a fetal position much like the same position I would sleep in as a child, and I would sit in- there is photos of me sitting like this. Where I looked, afraid. Teachers reported the fact I wouldn’t stop sitting like this because they thought it was a sign of abuse. 

I reverted to that position and I think I cried for a minute just from being overwhelmed and then I drifted off to sleep as I sort of let that, tide of information like, recede back into the depths of my mind into the dark crevices where I don’t feel it or notice it anymore. 

So by the time I woke up... now, that it’s the next day. I honestly forgot that all of this recall happened. I forgot that I read that book. I would have no memory of it, if I hadn’t woken up and seen, that I had typed, a bit into my journal here- and then left the computer open the screen on- so... when I woke up I saw what I had written and then it jogged my memory of what happened last night. 

Another weird thing that happened this morning, that doesn’t normally happen to me. Is, I could of sworn I heard loud and clear, the sound of my mother crying. Right when I first was waking up. That was the sound that woke me up. And, then I asked my mom, “were you crying? Or was I hearing things.” And she said, “no??” And, she showed no signs of having been sobbing just the second before so, I could tell like, my brain definitely was hearing things. 

I think this was also maybe a flash back related to this time or something weird in childhood but I just, I don’t really know. 

— 

last night I dreamt that I was explaining to someone that the brain was not fully developed by the age of 3 and therefor could not recall information that happened. And then this person was claiming that they could remember what happened to them when they were 2 and 3. And we were sort of arguing about it. And for some reason we were in the front seat of a truck talkign to each other. 

There was more to the dream, but that’s all I can remember. 

—

Real life iterations and intuition 

^this is something I’m goign to write about that, I was thinking about this morning while having my coffee and just thinking about stuff. But uh, I Need a break from writing and I will come back to it. Just leaving it here as a reminder to jog my memory when I come back and see this. In case i forget. Lol 

Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors; Janina Fisher 

Okay I just read this one too. It makes a lot of sense. So it is sort of doing the same thing I’m doing in these journals, trying to find explanations for the behavioral or otherwise, symptoms of, ptsd and dissociation and identity dissociation.

so it sheds a lot of light on the exact thing i was talking about just recently basically which says I’m on the right track. But then it went further Into detail with verifiable scientific research, and you know, and then it went ahead of me. Lke i said, “i still don’t get the addiction leg of it” and thats where i left off in my understanding of myself 

but this book then plowed through explaining that and why traumatized people struggle so much with addiction. 

And then it stops because, i have to buy the book to read the rest. But yeah. 

Both the books I’ve mentioned here that I’ve read over the last two days are so amazing and I’m just like, ‘where have you been all my life.’ You know. 

I highly recommend reading this one though first as its, easier. Seriously read it. Don’t miss any paragraphs or skim. Read the whole thing.

Today was a productive day for me 

surprisingly. 

I think I’m just feeling more hopeful because my parents are getting me a new car for christmas (my dream car) and we are trading in one of our other cars for a Jeep so I can ride it up and down the beach with my dogs 

and I’m just really excited for that, and also I’m getting my dream vanity. 

It’s not that money buys happiness, or material things. It’s just that these things inspire me. 

My dad agreed too, that they would buy me a condo once I get a job. And my moms on board as well, as long as I’m in school. 

I’ll be really busy but it will be actually worthwhile. It’s really difficult to support yourself as a young person and initially they were expecting that of me but, i dont know what made them change their mind. 

I think it was just during covid they got scared, made me move out and like, tightened up their budget. But, now that we started making money again they’re more confident in helping me get back on my feet. 

That was a huge contribution to my stress and my depression was just, not having any help. 

It helps me feel hopeful about my future instead of like everything is just one big, stressful downward spiral. 

anyways thats totally irrelevant from what i actually did today. 

So. Like... i went to an ACA meeting last night and that was good. And just, like, stuff I’ve been realizing is helping me open my mind up like. Starting to put myself in a better mental head space. And uh... the journaling is how, i reached that place, and reading and, my recovery community as well. 

And then... this morning... um... i dunno, i felt a certain sort of guilty ness, about my relationship with my dad. I just felt like i needed to stop blaming him and like let it go. And uh.... yeah. Forgiveness. I guess. 

I woke up at 4am as usual, and i went to look at the christmas lights while i was having my coffee. And like, originally i was looking at my phone like, enjoying the beauty of the photos i find on tumblr of scenery and stuff. But then i just looked up and saw all these christmas lights and realized i needed to like, appreciate the real beauty in my life, too, thats right in front of me. And i wanted to capture it to show to others. 

Like, everyone thinks everyone else’s reality is more beautiful when, in reality it’s easier to romanticize in the photos. But when you experience it in reality it’s maybe not as enchanting. You bring to the table your own mood and your own, experience, of the place you are in. And then, when you’re capturing that on camera you[re bringing to the camera, your perspective and how beautiful it felt to you. 

I dunno. And people do the same thing with, themselves, even. Like, selfies. They’re portraying how good they felt they looked. No one actually looks that good in person, like in a walmart security camera or fluorescent lighting in an interrogation room. Even people as beautiful as Jodi arias, without all the hair dye, makeup, and fake tan. She looked, more, average. Human. Less like a Barbie doll. 

But when people take photos of themselves and the way they change themselves for these photos or for their appearance, it’s an expression of how they feel they look on the inside sometimes. 

And that feeling like, you pick up on it in person and they exude it. And it makes them beautiful, in person. But on camera it’s difficult to capture that into a 2d image. How beautiful they felt. So they have to, make up for it with, tricks. 

But its all just expression of their subjective inner human experience, vibes that are hard to put into words. 

Anyways. So thats what i was thinking about this morning. Idk why lol 

i wrote some music and posted it. And that was unusual for me that i actually had a faint spark of creativity and i could “hear” the music again. It’s been blocked for a really long time. I was very rusty, its like, the ability i used to have wiht it has.... corroded 

Then i took a shower, and then it was raining all day so i fell asleep. I love sleeping to the sound of rain. 

When i woke up i did my hair cuz i was bored then i got hungry so i made dinner, salmon asparagus and potatoes. And then i cleaned up a bit. Laundry dishes whatever.

And then i drank a bunch of water. 

Now I’m just chillin. 

It’s a pretty standard like routine day but. It’s just more than I’ve done in a while so i thought i would note that like spike in like “well-person” acting behavior 

Also, its important to have an active creative life where you just cut lose and enjoy the things you enjoy. I think for a long time i beat myself up thinking that wasn’t productive but like, allowing myself the room to just enjoy shit the way i want to.... its. Thats a good thing to remind myself of. 

I’m just like, practicing mindfulness. More. I was thinking i need to do that deliberately in my journal as like a routine thing but. 

Yeah like start out the day with, “today i feel ________” you know because, it gives you perspective on yourself and... then you start recognizing patterns and how to mange ur thought patterns and behavioral patterns and shit ultimately. 

Like the other day i felt stressed out and i recognized i was stressed and told myself to take a break instead, and I chew on something minty. And just, lke take it down a knotch and remind myself I’m in recovery, and u gotta take it easy sometimes for the sake of ur recovery and do less. 

And thats, cool that i could intervene and help myself like that. 

If u are in recovery a highly recommend, on top of normal step work and all the shit recommended u do for the program, and like, how i journal on the side that’s cool, but also keep a specific recovery journal that you can look through when you are losing your grip and it might help. Like, positive affirmations and stuff. 

There’s stuff in my recovery journal that probably doesnt make sense to other people and why its there but, it makes sens to me and thats all the matters. You know. 

my other tumblr’s all bring me great inspiration or, happiness too, i will link those too i guess. And other ppl might not get why it does. But its, all subjective, the human experience so keep that in mind. What brings me catharsis or, joy, for some odd reason, might seem completely stupid to you. But, it makes sense to me. And theres reasons behind what i do. 

Dont be afraid to just, do what makes you happy. We’re human, we need it. And you dont owe anyone an explanation for it either. Some ppl get it, some ppl dont. And thats just how it is, its totally cool. 

Blanc said:

It’s not that money buys happiness, or material things. It’s just that these things inspire me.

This sounds precisely like money buying your happiness, especially as you continue your story. 

You are quite literally going on about how your life's going to pick itself up because of your parent's wealth. 

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I had the absolute trippiest dream last night where i was diagnosed with “hands and mouth” disease is what it was called? 

And it caused people to be delusional. And i was explaining my diagnosis to someone, very lucidly aware of it. 

And i said, “for example, sometimes when I’m in between sleeping and waking, i think I’ve put toast in the toaster. And when i wake up i go check to see, that i haven’t put toast in the toaster at all. That was just a delusion. Or i might think it’s July 7th when i wake up, when it’s February.” 

But the disorder went deeper than that, that’s just one of the symptoms. But, basically i was living in a strange state where i wasn’t certain what was reality and what wasn’t, including, my own perception of self. Where people lie to themselves about who they even are, and don’t know that they’re doing it. 

and i can’t remember why it was called “hands and mouth disease” but at the time it made sense. And i remember thinking “god all this time I’ve wondered what was wrong with me and when i finally found a label that makes sense, I’m just glad to have a diagnosis that explain what’s going on.” 

The more that I let go the more I am remembering chunks of my life I had forgotten they come to me in glimpses and it’s examples of times where I felt conflicted of who I was or instances there was evidence of there being a fragmentation of self far earlier than I recognized the dissonance 

for the first time I am starting to feel peace and like I can move on 

like I’m slowly, beginning to get unstuck 

wow. Glad to see someone shedding light on the very rare forms of dissociation. 

ive made an entire thread dedicated to all the different ways I’ve experienced dissociation and there are names for each type 

so it may be interesting to do a video naming the kinds I’ve experienced and explaining them a bit like they do here. 

This is so important to raise awareness about all the different forms of dissociation