Sociopath Community

I went off my meds for two days and started thinking about this video on liminal spaces i watched where i started hypothesizing rediculous conspiracy that all human beings were actually programmed in some sort of earth-like off-earth or underground/hidden facility from birth. 

But then i realized that thought was psychotic immediately afterward and brushed it off. Lol 

so, apart from having a few out of the norm thoughts for me than i would normally have, i have been fairly fine gone off the meds. 

Late into the evening on day 2 of no meds my inability to relax was getting more annoying than it was productive, and in wanting to slow down and sit down, i took the meds so i could, sit down and stop.... doing what iw as doing. (Without the meds i don’t have an ability to stop doing things until its perfect... ocd? Or something i have no idea). 

The only other abnormal thought i had was just a momentary blip of like mild depressive thoughts after my dad said some toxic shit to me but. It was very brief. I was like “oh no I’m gonna get depressed again” (its a major trigger when things are unstable or bad at home/when my parents aren’t happy with me etc. aren’t like loving or whatever) 

I could feel myself shifting into that mood state but then iw as like noooo i must not go there. Lol and then steered the ship off that course lol i was like no. *Deletes depression* I’m fine. Lol 

The only reason i was able to do that though is because of like, therapeutic approaches ive been taking, working on myself and internal stuff, regarding my relationship with my parents or just toxic relationships or situations in general, and how to deal with them. And it’s relaly paying off just the little bit of progress I have made is helping me. To better handle these sort of situations where normally i would be more negatively affected. 

I honestly could have kept going with no meds just working away into the night but i didn’t want my family to think something was wrong. So i took the meds and am pretending to sleep in my bed but 

really i cant wait till i can get up tomorrow and like continue what i was doing today that i *forced myself* to wait till tomorrow to finish rather than obsesssively powering through the night like a crazy person. 

-when my sleep schedule gets off its bad for my mental health and productivity anyways so its ok 

How well i did without the meds though does make me consider maybe i could handle tapering down a bit in the coming months while talking to a professional alongside it. I’m not sure why but i feel stable these last few days since the new therapy ive been doing. 

But as you can see by my journal posts, just a week ago i wasn’t feeling that way. 

Sometimes its like world is crashing down and everything is terrible, and then other times I’m just like ‘oh this is easy, I’m fine lol” 

and it makes absolutely no sense but i suppose thats, part of the mind tricks of depression and i just dont even realize it when I’m depressed or in a mentally off/mentally ill mind state that isn’t totally like normal or in reality. 

But anyway, it’s just a thought to table for discussion later with mah professional peeps 

the reason i went off my meds is because i accidentally scheduled my appointment for the wrong day so I couldn’t get the re-fill in time. 

There was something else i was going to write here... oh yeah. In the mornings you can have a bit of dissociation sometimes. It’s just more intense at random times and, the mornings seems to be one of the most common times of day it will occur if any. Like i mean, upon first waking up. I can experience it in a lot of different ways. But, the way in which i experienced it this morning was interesting because i haven’t had this issue in a while 

but basically i felt normal and fine, i was kind of like “who am I” feeling but i just woke up so I didn’t really care... to answer that. And then i looked in the mirror, and i was sort of taken aback by it like i looked at myself funny because.... it was as if i was seeing a new person for the first time. My own self. Lol in the mirror. And i literally thought to myself who the fuck is that. Lol 

like i felt like I didn’t look like myself? 

And then i just kind of like, touched my face and was just like, weird.... lol 

*gets acquainted with my physical form* 

and then i went off and went about my morning as usual not thinking about it at all. 

Things have been stressful at home lately as you can see from my recent post posting, “help me” lol a Beatles song previously. But like i said, the therapy ive been into has been helping me handle it. But... um. 

Perhaps, that is what caused the dissociation or, i dunno. It just happens. 

Like for a week i just felt super not myself and then a week later i’m like hey :) and i totally forgot about how distressed or depressed i was the week before and suddenly am fine. 

The only reason i remember it now that i was upset about something is because i can see it in my journal and it reminded me what it was about but. I forgot about it. 

Interesting. But yeah, the reason i came to visit the journal was to write about the fact i dissociated this morning i wanted to just catalog that in there or whatever with the whole “mirror thing” 

but.... yeah..... and just. Talking about my meds. 

And like, I’m aware, I’m different than how i was last week but. I dont know why. Lol and i hope i can stay like this. As i am. More stable, productive, i feel fine. Etc. Not really stressed, not upset, but not numb or bored either. Not anxious. Etc. Just, fine. Happy. Decently. 

But I worry out of no where the rug will get pulled out from me and i will forget what its like to be like this, or how to bel ike his. And i cant consciously decide. “Ah yeah, i should go back to being like how i was when i was stable and better. Yeah. Let’s do that.” (Switches back). It doesn’t work that way.... 

the lack of control of these depressive episodes that come and blind side me has me trying to compensate for their arrival preparing for it almost. Trying to prepare for when i forget everything. 

But there is no amount of preparation that can be done to undo it or take me out of that once I’m there I’m, there. Hard to explain. Lol 

this doesn’t make sense but i dont feel ike explaining it in greater detail ( thought i probably should because i have a feeling I’m goign to forget by tomorrow i even wrote this) 

That’s the gist aight. I’m going to go now peace out ✌️ 

yep I made it about a week without the meds and then I caved and took them tonight (an hour ago) because the depression finally got bad enough 

📉 

I was fine earlier this week and then I just completely tanked today and it just got unbearable by the evening and I was like I can’t like take it anymore 

Like imagine being underneath one of those machines that crushes junk cars and that’s how it feels? And then you take the med and the crushing thing stops suffocating you.

it’s really sad. I guess. That I have to be so fucking mentally ill. 

it’s like why can’t I just be normal? 

I dunno it’s hard to explain what it’s like to someone who doesn’t get it. I don’t really want to try. 

I just want it to stop. So I take meds. And then it does. 

I just don’t really wanna be this way anymore. 

not just in regard to depression but in regard to everything. 

I’m just sad because I don’t think this will ever go away fully on its own. Like I can’t get “better” I can only take meds to mask the symptoms and hope I don’t kill myself. Barely functioning. 

and then without the meds I’m so ill forget functioning 

but yeah I took the meds so. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I have a feeling it won’t be and I’ll still be kinda depressed just not as bad as I was without the meds 

and then I’ll sleep a lot but 

I’ll get there. -.- hopefully 

depression is no joke. On bad days like this I can’t fathom like how I will make it out of this alive. 

but I have good days so, I just have to like.... take it easy and try again and again till I have one. 

but yeah um.... I just can’t believe how long I dealt with this without medication. I’m so used to it now like how it is with the meds that without them and when it starts going closer to how it was before I’m like “damn, it was really this bad that whole time and I just was coasting around like that?” 

mans thrn in doing really well... I forget that any of this happened usually but I look back and go “can’t believe I was depressed.” 

Though I know it could come back (and it does). Like now. For instance. Lol 

but yeah I’ll be better later probably so it’s not a big deal. If I didn’t think I would be better later I would probably be more sad and freaking out about how bad it feels but I’ve gotten used to just grinning and bearing it till my brain smoothes out the kinks 

it’s just unfortunate that it doesn’t have the ability to do that on its own In the first place. without medicine. 

Yesterday I felt like dog shit 

Tokay I feel more like bird shit 

https://www.mentalhealthcenter.org/art-therapy-for-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/ 

After all these journals, therapy, venting, and you're still a 10.

We are all different people than who we are in our minds eye, and our entity is fractured into pieces across the mindscape as it finds its wits about the matrix we are so tangled up in. 

And we run into ourselves in our lovers and our friends, and yet who we are as a lover is much different than who we are as ones friend. 

It’s easier to pretend everyone is one person. But there are pieces and parts of your identity which only one person knows. 

a large majority of ourselves is separate from us like the depths of the ocean is dark 

we run Monday through Friday on an algorithm practically, on the surface. 
but what’s below the murky surface? Even I don’t know

other people show us that better than we ever could encounter through soul searching and self discovery. That’s all cheap by comparison to the way you showed me myself. 

i t would be very interesting to look at yourself from the perspective of another. 

Why did they give us this beautiful perfect world and then destroy it? Why did they give us privacy and security only to take it from us, extort our identities and blackmail us to enslave us further, get us addicted and draw out our data. For what reason. 

childhood was pure, it feels intangible now. The way it was so easy, the little bubble we lived in. Like a cartoon almost now it looks so far from the reality we know now. 

and I keep having these dreams, and I have these feelings. That remind me of the stark truth that... is perhaps too difficult to acknowledge? If it doesn’t toughen you, and harden you- it will break you. 

theure not brain washed, they’re free to do as they please. But the reality’s light is so blinding, do they choose ignorance for the sake of bliss. Are they weak for it? I wouldn’t say so. 

At the end of the day it’s maddening and we’re all looking for someone to blame and someone to be mad at. But all we’ve got is ourselves and that’s the cold truth that, haunts many. 

Toncope you might swing in and out of bars and and get black out drunk with your friends, or maybe you bury yourself in your work, or in the concerns of others affairs- public affairs. You find contentment in Adoration, belonging, success, power, prestige. 

But at the end of the day. Who is it that you come home to really, other than the you that’s on the inside. 

If you spend enough time in survival mode, the ego takes over the id and it runs on autopilot, as it strengthens itself and adapts like some sort of super machine. And then it burns itself out. 

And so then you find yourself amongst, the burn outs the junkies thieves ex-cons pimps gang members, the paranoid and dissociative, avoidant, anti-social, schizophrenic. 

Anything is better than the nails on a chalkboard sound.... of the painful reminders you hate to have around anymore. Morsels of truth. Stare you plainly in the face and maybe it’s weed that takes the edge off or, perpetually scrolling through... information. Getting lost in a mind palace, or a disguise of your own origin. 

Desires, whether eclectic, misguided, cookie cutter or self righteous, are well endowed with awards certificates degrees, resume’s... everyone’s got a resume. Everyone’s keeping score. It’s all for the sake of escaping, not gaining. Distraction for ourselves. A path to follow to make the woods we are lost in less scary. Many of us make friends along the way... and discovery, of our more enchanted parts of selves, and traits of character, or, our complexes we find ourselves locked in which we midst free ourselves from. 

But this is not to be confused with intrinsic meaning. These kind of successes and hurdles are a mirage, and fruitless, futile endeavors. That only fuel the cycle of which you wish to stay on for the sake of familial comforts. 

After all, How are we meant to perform our best without a life time of reflexes built from training and expertise. Second nature grip we have on our hobbies bring joy and inspiration. Or the touch of another the, visceral warmth of the hand of another’s. Is that what we live for. 

no. It’s not

Do we live for the challenge, for the adventure, for the experience. Is it to chase the next high or euphoria- or is it just running from death. 

Either way. I carry my heart heavier and heavier as the world around us becomes more dystopian. And I think that is a large part of our purpose in existence is, not survival of the herd, not survival of our own or- even of ourslebes but rather it’s quite the opposite. We are perhaps one with our earth more than we understand and we exist to be a part of it, to care for her, to bring to fruition, the perpetuation off symbiosis and well being. 

Amongst men, creatures and, humanity, society, and Mother Earth. 

And as the fabric Frey’s all of our hearts become heavy, the sicker and more dark it all becomes, the sicker we become too. 

survival.

It's like it doesn't even register...