Sociopath Community

the above posts of images are just examples of some of the thoughts that represent different like mental states i've been in, before. 

not all at once (usually). 

and that's just some of them. 

so yeah like for example the other day i remember saying, "i don't see the point" and "he's making me want to die." I say these things out loud, and no one like, takes it that seriously. But I mean it when I verablize feeling suicidal or having suicidal feelings. Those are like, genuinely there, internally. I'm not just saying it. It's not all the time but, it was there, at that moment. 

or sometimes I will just have complete shit fits and I just want to scream and tell everyone everything is so stupid and just break furniture, and like, upset the perfectly placid balance I live in. Because my situation is sort of, very stressful, but at hte same time- bizarrely normal, to that point that it would drive any person insane. You're forced to be within the confines of this normalcy, in an effort to protect yourself, meanwhile you hold the truth about, what's really going on. While everyone else acts as if it is not. 

The elephant in the room effect, but you're the only one who sees it. 

And it just, it'll drive you crazy sometimes. Hard to explain the process or the experience fully, what its like, and why that is, that it drives you crazy. And how that crazyness feels. 

But even *I* don't always notice it. Because you get so in the habit of, like I said, the confines of normalcy and placing yourself within it. That even you get lost in it. (I'm talking about my own household). 

So, something bizarre will happen, and then no one really says or does anything about it. And that's been the cycle now, suppression. For years.  

And then when you explode, they just say. "You're crazy." "There's something wrong with you." 

When you just wanted, hoped. For one seocnd, there was a chance, that people might wake up, too. From this bizarre, trance like nightmare state we all live in, self-perpetuating our own hell and demise. But no, no it can never happen. 

I beg for empathy, and no, that can never be handed to you either. 

So sometimes I get in these jaded moods, where I just, say fuck it. And, I don't go to therapy. Because I feel too blackpilled. And I wanna off myself, because I feel to blackpilled. About the fact that I'm fucked up, and I know it. And paying someone 500 dollars a week, isn't really going to change it, is it? (just thoughts I have, I know they're preobably not true). 

But this is the part no one likes to talk about. Everyone goes online with their success stories. I had therapy and you should too! Everything will be fine. You'll get through it! Which yes, the sentiment is nice. 

There is more to the story, whilst going through it. Like, the 800 times you told yourself you weren't going to go- for the sixty different reasons you had in your head. Despite only half believing in them yourself. You're, always sort of, got your foot half in the door, half out. Not really sure what to believe at this point. 

You don't even know sometimes if you're the victim or the bad guy. If it's their fault, or yours. A lot of the time. 

The truth is, there's no such thing as either. 

So, the depressive mood states are quite an experience of their own. And those are easy for me to provide examples for, as the experience is common enough for there to be gifs reenacting the experience and its feeling through cinematography and acting almost perfectly. It's a common shared human experience. 

But the part people don't want to talk about is where, you get in a weird mental state because you're mentally ill, (no one wants to be caleld, mentally ill though, so they won't admit to this) where maybe for a moments notice, two hours, two days, etc. You get off in your head a bit. You behave out of line. You think and say things you know you normally wouldn't, and don't ascribe to the, human being you want to present yourself as to the rest of the world. 

But it's still there. People are multi-faceted in this way. But, people judge very one-dimensionaly often. They see a doctor, and assume, perfect mental health, success, stability, financial well being. 

But doctors too, are drug addicts- with a decent moral compass, good intentions. But still, addicted to drugs. Some have dissociative disorders, ptsd, depression, anxiety. Some of them slept in a car through their way through med school. 

You see the white coat, and assume they are this 2d cardboard cut out in your head, you place them in that box so quickly. But these are human beings we are talking about. 

Just because you think someone doesn't fit a certain box doesn't mean jack shit. Fuck the box. "Come as you are."

And then I think back, it's just, again, pointless. Our lives are so short. 

Why worry about it so much? 

Why worry about suicide, when life will do the job for you. 

Why try so hard, for anything really, when it's all temporary. 

And I get jaded about, how many years, I have left. 

And I don't want to leave this planet behind. But we have to. 

^this again, is another example of a mood state or thought state i could become ingratieated in. it kind of takes over me though. where as when i am well, i can remember and visit the thought or this notion, we will all die. but then i will continue on with my life as it is normally and uninterrupted. 

but... when i am actually in this state, and not just documenting like i am now for therapuetic purposes. it's.... more difficult to combat. 

it doesn't occur to me to document these 'states' down as they happen (thoughts, mood, shifts in personality, etc) because its hard to see it clearly and contrast it against your normal self when you're inside of it and.... yeah it just, doesn't occur to me like. i'm not thinking likt hat functionally. 

i'm off in like, funky land. funk, mental head, space. funk land. yeah. 

so thoughts in funk land, like "oh i should take my meds!" and "i should use my calandar' and "i should take care of my health today" and "i should write this down to tell my therapist about" or "i should journal this!" 

DOESN'T HAPPEN 

TLDR summing up everything I wrote starting at the “mental health update” post 

 
summary: 

basicallu, the mental health update part 2 and forward, is about the by products of a traumatized person and trauma and what the experience is like as you go through trying to heal from it or things you experience because of the disorder or like I said while you’re going through it 

thoughts like these are byproducts, of trauma 

byproducts of processing it all, byproduct of the effect that process has on your other processes, and those processes together, create, these byproducts. And the thoughts you have are the result of witnessing these byproducts or experiencing them. It’s the analytical mind trying to rationalize and accept into itself or adopt, new beliefs emotions and thoughts into what it already understands. While making it still make sense all together. Rationalizing. 

and the mental health update first post before part 2 post is basically the documentation of a fragmented or broken person from trauma... trying to put themselves back together and their pieces. 

you’re trying to put it all back together but it‘a just shards and you have no idea how it’s all supposed to fit and what object you’re trying to make. What it’s supposed to form. How do these small fragments fit into one big picture, and still make sense? 

conclusions/after thoughts:
 

the by product of trauma is a series of thoughts mood states feelings and internal experiences, including dissociation, and other psychological states that are outside the norm. There is a difficulty in processing certain events emotions stress or conceptualizijg ideas about oneself, including identity.

and as the individual chronologically moves forward, there will be periods of distress caused by these factors that occur as isolated events, and do not often occur in conjunction with each other. This effect is also coupled with limited access memory surrounding the isolatory individual events, separating them from each other and often from the individual who should be able to recall them all at once. They often cannot recall all of them comprehensively, but rather require triggers to open these lines of thought again and explore them. They otherwise remain dormant, repressed and inaccessible to the conscious mind.

The effects of trauma are also displayed in reactionary sense. It can be to an individuals environment, or it can be from an internal trigger. There is emotional, sensory, perception, and psychological affects, as well results in behavioral/thought patterns of any sort. Etc. 

The individual may remain subjected to this reactionary state the entirety of their lives if they do not gain awareness of their exemplified behaviors/experiences and it’s cause, and begin approaching therapeutic tactics so the behavior/experience can no longer be sustained or continue to occur. 

Social detachment issues from childhood till present? 

My dad tells me to behave less gruffly and forcefully 

but then he doesn’t respond unless I don’t ask nicely 

I told him he’s conditioning me to be extremely “tough” like that 

because I ask nicely, mousy like he wants me to be. “Please don’t do that..” and nothing happens. It’s not respected or acknowledged. 

I repeat myself over and over please don’t do that 

I explain why 

I have conversations in a civilized way in depth face to face about it trying to reach 

and nothing will be accepted or gets through 

it’s just ignore ignore ignore 

until finally I scream “DONT FUCKING DO THAT!!!” *throws a book across the room* 

And then he stops. 

but he doesn’t respond to anything except until it’s like an imminent threat.

he doesn’t treat me with respect unless I stand up and demand it and force it upon him

andvthrn he says, “don’t be so gruff” “why’re you so loud”

and I say because you never listen 

but he doesn’t even respond to that he doesn’t even look me in the eye when I try to speak 

I’m lucky if he even hears me I’m not exaggerating 

it’s frustrating so I tried explaining all of the above to him as well... the whole thing I just said 

but still I don’t think it got through 

I constantly beg for mutual respect and how I want to be treated etc but I never get it 

and as a child I begged for their love 

and I still do sometimes 

but it never gets anywhere 

I could lose my mind and they still wouldn’t pay attention or acknowledge it or care for it 

 There’s absolutely nothing I can do to make them dialed in and wake up out of this coma where they just don’t fucking connect 

thatclued in like connect moment doesn’t happen they’re off in their own world 

its hard to explain what I mean but I hope that made enough sense 

Had a difficult day mentally yesterday. Was just stressed out bout some stuff. 

Today was worse. Today was a more difficult, day. 

After trying to talk to my dad- and then, I tried to talk to my mom. It wasn’t satisfactory. Our discussions. 

Then my mom left to do something else. And I was left sitting alone. And as I sat there and thought about things, I was very, depressed. And I just broke down.

Yesterday, I also cried briefly while discussing things in my NA meeting. I can’t remember now exactly what I said. I just remember it felt like a release. I was just, venting. Opening up. 

So yeah. As I confront things more and more, it is painful. Sitting with reality is difficult. 

But I just sat there with it, and in a lot of distress, I cried I couldn’t help it. Though I wanted to stop. Then after I sucked it all up. 

I came inside, to talk to my mom again and say what I wanted to say. 

And as I was trying to explain it, about halfway through I Just broke down. Then the response was not, once again. It just wasn’t working. Like I said, not getting anywhere. 

I got kind of frustrated with that of course. The way things are interpreted is often wrong. Though I try so hard to make it all clear- I cannot, communicate the full picture effectively and get it across. To make them understand. 

You either get it or you don’t. 

And I went to the bathroom, and I wasn’t necessarily planning on it, but I started just sobbing silently. 

Just at my own qualms, as I face them. Both internal and external. 

(post 1 of 4) February 7th 

It’s 3am and I.... woke up in the middle of the night, like 1ish 2am... I fell asleep around midnight so... only got one hour of sleep. 

And I woke up having a difficult time with anxiety & dissociation. I’m still kind of experiencing the storm of it but it is the more dissipated version. By talking about it now I fear I can actually make it worse. 

*deep breaths* But... I, .... know if I don’t write it down... I”ll forget what it was like, and, I”ll.......... um.....

I forgot what I was saying. 

So anyways... I woke up in a dissociative trance. I don’t know what happened to trigger that but, all in all, distress, and stress, stressful situations, etc. can all culminate to, eventually result in, worsening the potential for mental issues in areas such as anxiety and dissociation for me. 

It’s sort of like how a storm can not occur without first precipitation of moisture. 

Stress is fuel to the fire. It creates the perfect environment for things like anxiety and dissociation to sort of, come out of the wood work and just take havoc on my mind.

It’s hard to describe what the anxiety is like, because it’s not just *normal* anxiety. There’s quite a few different types, and the experiences you can have with them- coupled with dissociation, the combinations are, theres a multitude of them. I wouldnt’ say endless but. 

Yeah so this was the kind, of anxiety that is sort of like..... the feeling of fear, similar to a violin stroke. It frightens you at first, it feels like the sound, of a violin, if a violin stroke, could be a feeling, in your chest. 

And then, you feel as if.... you are losing control of your mind. As it takes off to new heights, with its anxiety. Like a, kite in the wind, it just takes off. Or a balloon. But you lost the string, and you’re chasing it, trying to grab on to it. To tether it back down. But it’s not just a balloon you’re losing, it’s your mind. Control of your mind. And your precious sanity. 

it gets away from you at times. And it’s hard to explain the places it goes to. Or to describe them. It may be an obsessive thought or it may be a thought that is based on the uncontrollable feeling of fear and the fear of the feeling of fear you may feel the fear all around you for no explainable reason you feel a constant danger though there is no imminent threat. Fear of something happening. No matter how illogical. Or it may be just the fear accompanied with the evasive minds thoughts as it ascends onto new planes which you didn’t give it permissions to venture to. And y Oui don’t understand the m really... there’s no words to describe what they are like because I can’t remember them. Now. But. Your mind god there and you have to reel it back forcibly

 So like I said I woke up in a dissociative trance, various forms of dissociation and panic attacks do happen to me alot or they occur at when I first wake up so this isn’t new to me but it’s still always scary to be in this state 

after leaving the dissociate trance I found myself searching mentally from my life a bit and once again that’s hard to explain but it’s like you are viewing your own memory of your life as if you are someone else entirely. 

then you experience detachment from the reality you are in still and you struggle to feel life as you are inside of it tangibly but instead you are couple that issue with the start of delusions about reality not being or feeling real in some way but these are very intense and terrifying experiences it is not subtle and you don’t have control and the derealization is not just realization it takes on an inventive fictional story line delusional tilt where your mind Is explaining to you what reality really is... and this depiction is so detailed and feels so hard to understand at the same time it splits your mind into the part of you that invented this strange depiction of reality and knows it to be true and then a part of you which is looking back on your life as if you are not you and then the part of you you’ve been playing as in reality who is just witnessing the panic and the dissociation and the fear and trying to get it to stop and regain control normalcy calm and grounded in reality and ones self

(post 2 of 4) February 7th

Then there is the feeling of fear about losing your mind, losing your sense of reality, and over the dissociation and dissociative trance that has just occurred and is still occurring. 

as well as the physical experiences accompanied with panic attacks and dissociation. 

In addition there is a fear of something bad happening that is irrational, and then the fear of the panic attack itself escalating, and being unable to stop it.

physioigcal experiences of the panic attacks I won’t bother to explain as It’s too much to write down right now but I’m very familiar with this and have no problem recalling and writing this all down another time if I was required to describe what they’re like. The physiological symptoms is the easiest part of explain. and varies in severity and my ability to control it. Though those two factors don’t influence each other. It’s seemingly random when they are more difficult to control no matter the size or degree of difficulty or degree of symptoms severity etc..., and I don’t know why. 

and then the physiological experience of dissociation was occurring for me at this time. This varies as to how this aspect can be experienced greatly. But for me this time, this isolated event. I experienced... the feeling that my arm. Yes only one arm. Was just, not right. It was like i could feel it drifting off the shoulder bone and detaching, and it was limp and falling into a pool of space, or a strange, black hole. Taking it away from me and my perception of it... deteriorating because of coming closer to sucking into a black hole. It dragged behind me as I walked. I had gotten up to go to the bathroom. And felt like it was hanging disconnected from my shoulder and thus much longer than the other arm which was in tact and normal. 

then there is a visual spatial perceptive symptom of anxiety and dissociation as well, and, a sensory, distortion related to ones own body in space. 

As I walked... I tried not to hyperventilate though it was difficult. Accompanied by the fear feeling like a violin churning away in your chest sporadically comes at you... and thoughts of bad illogical things occurring or fears of the panic attack worsening and, fear of losing yourself to these symptoms as they take more and more of your mind. Losing control. You fight to have a grip. 

And, your perception of your body in space is incorrect so you feel too light on your feet. 

and, visually, it feels like looking down at everything from a fish eye lense is the best way I can describe it. Though this isn’t in the literal sense. I just mean it’s the best way I can explain how it’s like, it went from, normal perception, to ... sort of this more extreme, harsher image that is so bold and intense, but distorted... walls sort of bend and feel taller over you than they are 

and you lose your sense of balance as you try to walk in a straight line but, can’t stop leaning and walking to the left 

you push off of walls to keep yourself going in the direction you were trying to turn in to go to the bathroom as you depth perception wise sort of miss the wall you were trying to push off of. You thought it was closer and it turned out to be farther away. 

and everything just sort of has blurs behind it of itself. So... blurred lines or outlines of objects stacking on top of each other occur, slightly. And, this happens to you as well. Your body creates these same lines in space of your outlines... one after another. Like... stop motion pictures of someone took many of you as you moved in succession, and displayed them all at once. 

there are called “end trails” and happen to people usually on acid but these happen to me a lot. A lotttttt

I did what I had to do to mentally get myself out of this Chinese finger trap sort of situation and undid myself from it. It’s... it takes a while to fully untangle. But. 

I know the things I have to do to make it stop to ground etc 

But as I was calming down I was also thinking about the dissociative trance and what happened for that to occur 

but the more I tried to think about that and recollect whatever my brain was hardcore trying to block me from it would induce more panic and dissociation to think about. And the fact that I had a dissociative trance and have dissociation just makes you dissociate more if you think about it 

hard to explain but it’s just how that works! Same with anxiety 

lol anyways.... yeah. I’m getting tired of writing ugh 

so... I had to ground and stop having anxiety and in doing this I allow myself to not sort through or process whatever it is my brain is blocking me from seeing 

there is an opening in that very terrible place mentally to possibly see what... was causing it 

but the more you ask the question “what causes this” or “what was the trigger?” The Worse the anxiety gets which blocks you out of that thought and pursuing the line any further 

I also feel super nauseated and like throwing up when this is going on and yeah, heart racing, etc... dizzy. Breathing wrong. Yadayadayada