My parents were talking about CSA and I got really triggered and started feeling dissociation and sick and my body tensed up like I was going to have a panic attack
..... I don’t know why I react this way to this topic
but nothing makes me more nervous. Heart beats fast etc
My parents were talking about CSA and I got really triggered and started feeling dissociation and sick and my body tensed up like I was going to have a panic attack
..... I don’t know why I react this way to this topic
but nothing makes me more nervous. Heart beats fast etc
Some of us have real problems to get anxious about. And we don't whine about it. And here you are whining about your imaginary, made up ones. Pathetic.
I feel confused and disconnected but at the same time there is part of me that denies that and says, “no thats not true, you’re not confused or disconnected feeling, you’re fine.”
I often have this dichotomy in my head, it’s not everyday but. It happens a lot when i think, about saYing something, there is another side to me that holds me back from doing so by denying the authenticity of the other side
It’s to the point i have no idea which is authentic, it seems like neither. And i fear judgement for admitting this as true, so i want to say to myself, that’s not true. You dont really have a dichotomy.
And then i am confused again, and think, hm, maybe i don’t.
Or do i? And i dont want to be judged for it. So there is a part of me that does not associate, with any of this.
And thats how it is all the time, though ive been trying to, not, let myself be that way and forcing, a blend.
Um, that is something i almost autonomously do.,..there are just parts of me which dont associate with what the other parts do.
quick mental health update
earlier this week i went off my meds several times. i just fell asleep instead of taking them.
and i can't explain it with words, but i was just losing my mind.
the thoughts i was having were just sort of 'psychotic' like, not in a paranoid way, and not in necessarily a true 'psychosis' of course. i just, its the best word to describe the outlandish nature of them, and how out of the norm they are, for me, and- for anyone.
it shows something is wrong, with my brain, but i just don't understand it.
i don't understand why it does this, where it went wrong, and what happened to cause this, or what it even *is*
but it doesn't make sense of depression to be related to this, as these aren't considered symptoms of depression.
I don't know how to categorize it, and thus, I don't know the approach I should have in treatment or what I should be monitoring myself for, or what I'm at risk for.
I am normal most of the time.
But I can't control when I will not be, and how I will be when I am not and it comes quickly enough for me to not be aware that it was even there until it's gone.
Like while I"m 'in it' i can't say, "man, this is a really bizarre sort of, borderline-delusional way of thinking. this is significantly abnormal for you." i have no ability to contrast like that. I can't *remember* what I was like when I was normal when I am in the state. I just don't remember it having ever been there. Hard to explain.
And when I am normal it is very easy to forget I was ever in that state, and it's so easy to deny it happens. But it does occur. And I must note it, or it allows me to just mentally block it out and 'forget' it too well.
It's concerning to me because I feel like I am, sort of insane. And these are things that I hate to put in writing. I don't want to be labelled this way. But, I have to admit it, sometimes I'm just fucking crazy and I can't explain why. And I don't understand it. And I can't control it.
I want to be normal all the time but I know I inevitably won't be, and that's the worst part of it.
I fluctuate. Like there's just these periods of time where I will mentally be in one state. Or maybe it will be for one day. And then the next day, I may be in another. And it's just sort of all over the place. Each state has its own defining characteristics, to the point that it feels like personalities. But, accompanied with the physiological feelings of mania and the racing thoughts, then followed by, suicidality. Each state more delusional than the last, as far as perspectives of the owrld, the state of normalcy i experience and am in, and teh perspectives i have of myself, the thoughts and feelings I have. Moods. Reactions. Etc.
they are all different, depending on which state it is that I am in.
And yet, it's so subtle at the same time, that I can almost pretend like it's not happening at all. Though it may be an internal torture. It's not as evident, it just makes me think it's, perhaps, just, normal.
without the meds, i revert back to the way i was before them. impuslive. quick to anger. tightly wound. hyper. suicidal. dissociative, quick to panic attacks. OCD to the nth degree, that I drive myself mad. having rapid cycling thoughts and pressured speech. crying excessively. and thinking strange thoughts about the world that don't make any sense. and if i go longer without them, it just builds, and gets worse. if you can imagine like, a tire running tself thin, its sort of like that. theres just no "stopper" and it goes and goes and goes and runs itself to the metal, as the pressure just builds. there is no, regulation. balance, or normalcy. i'm in a completely different state- that is far outside my normal self. but i don't realize it often. though i'm aware somethings different, im also not aware just how bad it is- at the same time. if that makes sense. and i just, unravel my own self very quickly between all the symptoms i mentioned and reach a crisis.
i don't understand the initial crisis i've had, but i noticed i just have, a closer proximity to the potential for mental breakdowns than, normal people. and i don't realize how close i am to it until i go off the meds. once i get off them, it's like, i reach this point, within a few days usually.
and i don't know, how to describe what its like because i forget now, what it was like and what i was thinking and what i was doing in it. but it's just like, i *know* when it happens that I'm in that "completely snapped" mental state, i'm familiar with it, and try to bring myself back from the edge as best i can. because its terrifying. it feels like a total loss of control. and... yeah i can't remember what my thoughts are in it that make it so wild but it's wild... its like, your whole life, you lived in a fish bowl. and then suddenly someone dumped you into the ocean. thats what it feels like. like all your sensory recopters were once dulled and numb, and suddenly, you can feel with more detail and sensation than you've ever felt before, all at once. it's just, your brain goes into overdrive and can't handle, everything you've been woken up to. it feels like a huge breath of air, that you didn't know you were missing, but badly needed. and once you take this huge inhale, you can't go back, you can't forget that feeling, and the fact you've opened that door, and gone, past that point mentally. once you've *seen* outerspace you can't *unsee* it. and something about it, it's just too much and it fucks you up.
you're so used to your little, one, two, three, mundane put put life style, a train on a track, and its so simple, and everythign functions and falls into place. but then someone takes you off the ant farm and turns you into a human being and shows you where you were as an ant, and says, "look, at how stupid this is."
and i think it's part of ptsd believe it or not, in more severe cases, a person can 'break' in this way. theres a lot of different types of 'breaks' you can experience as a result of extreme stress or prolonged, traumatic situations, durress, etc. but it's just, like a twig once it's snapped, it's, not going to ever go back to the way it was.
and thats how i felt. and then, though i forced myself not to think about it anymore- the great outerspace, the expanse. and turend it all off and shut it down. didn't venture any further out- i just shut it out and closed my eyes and went to sleep. listening to distraction. "you must not hinking about that. think about shoes, makeup, hair. yeah. just think about that. just think about that. focus, focus, focus until you forget. and go to sleep. sleep is the escape"
and then i sleep and wake up in the morning and forget that any of it happened. but, somehow just now i was able to recall that it did. but otherwise, i wouldn't of known about it. hard to explain. its like, limited access memory. very patchy for that reason.
but yeah.... i still just don't undersatnd, why. is what i wanted to write about. like, why. that's all i was thinking about the whole time all of this occurs. its just, why. does this happen to me? what is this? even called. how do i even explain, how do i diagnose, and treat, something so abstract... that i understand so little about. what caused this.
it's like i was a normal person, and then, one day, i just broke. literally. and i ahven't been the same, mentally, since. what the fuck happened? i've been striving all this time to get back to normalcy but... it feels like an uphill battle when its so unrelenting.
i know the second i stop the medication, i'm literally, as good as toast. something *fried* me, and I just don't know, really what. like, people have bad things ahppen to them and they come out ok. but why did it completely snap my fucking mind in half for me? why did it make me so crazy, and have all these crazy thoughts, and bizarre experiences.
and more importantly, will i ever be able to make it fucking stop? will i ever regain control, and experience smoothness, simplicity, normalcy, uninterupted, even-keeled, perfectly stable mental health. and i don't mean in regard to mood, i mean in regard to, psychotic thinking vs. normal thinking... i want to be inside myself. not checked out into some strange perspective and not even know it. i don't want to be caught up in that way anymore. i want to just be inside myself, and have control.
but it seems like, i don't. and then on top of this, distress, i have random mood changes. varying degrees of highs, and varying degrees of lows. the lows, sometimes get really irrational.
none of it makes sense, when you put it all together. because it's all so conflicting. which mood, mind state, personality/preferences/identity, and psychological thought processes is correct?
quick mental health update part 2 (continuation of last post)
the second half of what i wanted to update about.
is last night i had another ptsd related panic attack, i try to note down when they happen if its severe enough worth mentioning. i get moments of it sometimes and get it under control quickly.
but sometimes, it gets worse before i can get it under control.
and this time, i could feel my body stiffening again.... kind of similar to the time where i became paralyzed.
i felt like my face was turning to stone, and i just felt like everything was terrifying.
the panic i felt inside was very large, and the feeling in my chest... hard to explain what its like. but its just, immense, ovwerhwlming- fear.
and i was tryng to get through it but, you know. it's kind of a fight. it's a trick. you have to override your brain.
so then i focused as hard as i could on other things. deliberately, intentionally. trying, as hard as i could to force my brain to focus, only on that *one* thing, not the panic. just don't *think about it* and it will go away. as your body reaches a physiological homeostasis again.
the trigger was food. as it is, a lot of the time. i struggle with eating.
eating for me feels like playing with a loaded gun. and eating something, feels like putting it to your head and pulling the trigger, playing russian roulette. not, exaggerating.
so when i am in that particularly more 'anxious' state than usual- (which is only some of the time?) i just, choose not to eat sometimes. because its easier, than, dealing with the stress of it and, the panic attacks, i will have all night along, over it.
imagne someone hands you 2 cups and says, "one of these cups of water, if you taste it, it will disembowel you, and you will die in a pile of your own fecal matter, blood, and vomit- painfully."
but you won't know when- it'll just hit you randomly. or, you'll survive. ok, pick one and drink it.
Every time I eat this is what it’s like
excerpt continuing on from the part about coming back from the edge
"its terrifying. it feels like a total loss of control. and... yeah i can't remember what my thoughts are in it that make it so wild but it's wild... its like, your whole life, you lived in a fish bowl. and then suddenly someone dumped you into the ocean. thats what it feels like. like all your sensory recopters were once dulled and numb, and suddenly, you can feel with more detail and sensation than you've ever felt before, all at once. it's just, your brain goes into overdrive and can't handle, everything you've been woken up to. it feels like a huge breath of air, that you didn't know you were missing, but badly needed. and once you take this huge inhale, you can't go back, you can't forget that feeling, and the fact you've opened that door, and gone, past that point mentally. once you've *seen* outerspace you can't *unsee* it. and something about it, it's just too much and it fucks you up.
you're so used to your little, one, two, three, mundane put put life style, a train on a track, and its so simple, and everythign functions and falls into place. but then someone takes you off the ant farm and turns you into a human being and shows you where you were as an ant, and says, "look, at how stupid this is."
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.
