And lastly I want to say, this is why, I can’t make decisions. Lol
I have so much going on and am so all over the place. Not even knowing who the fuck I am half the time. That, of course like, I can’t fucking make decisions.
I mean, it also comes from like, growing up with fucked up stuff that fucked up your development long story short. Neurologically and your psyche and stuff.
But, like, also living with all of this going on constantly like, how the fuck am I supposed to make decisions like this? Like, it’s not a fear of commitment it’s that Ifeel torn into many different directions.
And one day sure, I love vanilla ice cream and want nothing but. And maybe three weeks from now, I hate sugar. And I’m just trying to make some sense of it all as I kind of get jostled back and forth. I’m not always able to because like I said I am often more *in it* than able to have an aerial perspective of myself.
So, this makes it even more difficult to have any sort of consistency as well.
I don’t know what to call any of it, a large part of me wants to tell you that I’m perfectly fine and functional and have no problems at all. Because I dont’ want to be seen as someone who is “sick” or has problems, or can’t manage, my own life etc. It’s not as *bad* as it sounds.
There are just bad moments but for the most part I get on fine, despite all of this I manage.
But, for the last several years now, well. I just kind of went flying off the rails and I have a really hard time coming like, back from that.
