Sociopath Community

Blanc said: 

This guide is awful, wow. 

It's basically how narcs cope. 

shut the fuck up TC im on step 9 ffs

I suck

Ugh 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJqrm49J/ 

Been up and down this week. Started off down, then was fine for a couple days and then kinda, meh. Not necessarily good but uh, i wasn’t as down or depressed as i was just two days prior so thats good (because it was unbearably bad) 

my head just starts swirling with its usual thought patterns which, occur almost in a clycical fashion, the same unresolved lines of thoughts occur and then fade over time. I dont bother to note them down because of laziness and the fact I’ve already seen then a hundred times before. 

Though i probably should. 

My mom said i was starting to seem more like my self every day now, believing that i was getting better in contrast to, my worst point. And, while that may be true, i still have along way to go. But, the outside perspective was nice to have. What prompted her to say this was, I asked her, “Am I insane, am I out of touch with reality?” Because she was talking about my sister, saying she seemed insane and out of touch with reality, and so I said, “Please tell me if I ever do, I wont’ be offended, I just want to know.” But, she told me, that I actually seemed better, i.e, doing really well and more grounded and more like myself than I had been in previous years, that I seemed more like myself with each passing day, improving. 

And I was like, “good.” 

But anyway, then, after that I guess, I was having a bad day. I think it was the next day if I remember correctly. After that conversation. I don’t really remember what was going on in my head that day as to why I was so off. But, I just was not right. Off-kilter. Like, my brain had been cast out into some outer space, far from center where your perspective should naturally be. This happens to me sometimes. And I don’t know it’s happened until it’s over. 

And I go through these somersaults of thoughts and emotions during these kind of days, and trying to remember, is like, looking at a dense fog. 

I had spent the entire day in bed if I remember correctly. And when my mom got home in the evening I went into the kitchen to see what was being made for dinner. And I started freaking out about the pots not being clean. And then my nephew started talking about something and they focused all their attention on that. And I just snapped. It’s hard for me to admit but, I have issues in the area of feeling, neglected or ignored, by my mother. Both my parents do it to me a lot. My feelings and, everything, you know has just always been sort of negated or ignored my entire life. So, it’s mildly aggravating and gets to certain point where you just can’t take it anymore. 

And instead of going with it, you just, speak up and interrupt that like, calm “dis-reality” to “reality check” or bring the truth out into a situation that was otherwise like... I don’t know, a facade. They live in a facade where the truth is not, ever spoken of. And it’s just, weird to me. I’ve learned to go along with it but, sometimes you just kind of want to break and interrupt it, and just be like Oh my GOD, do you PEOPLE really not SEE YOURSELVES? Do you REALLY think this is NORMAL? 

And then they just, look at you like you’re crazy, and call you crazy. Because that’s easier than accepting the truth I suppose? I relaly don’t know. But, yeah I just sort of broke out and said what I *really* wanted to say, about the situation with my nephew and his parents basically being shit parents. And I was mad because they were doing everything they could, to construct this fake reality where everything was normal somehow, when it fucking ISN’T. They were doing the same thing to me in my childhood that they were doing again, with this situation essentially. Pretending, ignoring. Glossing over it. Glossing over.  Glossing over. 

And they ignored the fact that like, I’m 25 fucking years old, and I still have the same OCD I had when I was ten, and couldn’t eat a plate of spaghetti, or would have a fit about a pot- or a glass that wasn’t clean enough. And they just glossed over it, again. Just like they did when I was a child. 

Until I got sicker, and sicker. And, I’m STILL that way, because they never did anything about it. For years. And it fucked me up, what I went through with that. 

And I still live with the disorder, and it’s *their* fault, they *Did* that to me. It’s stressful to live with this kind of OCD. It’s stressful to live, in this dynamic I have, with my parents. 

Where they ignore and negate everything, while, everything goes terribly wrong. And like, to know they were toxic at times and did things to me they shouldn’t have, or things happened to that should have. And then they live in this bubble like none of that happened to me. 

And just, call me fucking crazy. When it’s *their* fault I’ve lost my mind to begin with like. And to live with this kind of mental illness, the PTSD and it’s affects, with the constant dissociation and the thought patterns that make no fucking sense and collide and clash, and it inhibits my life from progress, it tears me up inside, it makes me numb, and miserable at times. 

I live in this strange reality where I’m constantly trying to survive it, and that affects your brain, you know. If you study it. It affects your entirely physiology. It prevents you from being that person you would of been, if you hadn’t been, in this weird survival mode. Where you can’t say the wrong thing, or else you’ll be interrupting their perfect reality, and all hell will break lose. 

And it’s scary, like. It’s scary for me even because, my brain has naturally conformed to that sort of way of being, or way of coping with reality as well. And sometimes I am in that state, where everything is ‘normal’ and I’ve forgotten or erased, whatever would normally bother me. And other times, I get flung so far out of that, and wake up in the, more disenchanted, raw, and difficult, reality. And I have such a hard time coping with it, it destroys me, ultimately. 

There is this constant cycle of running from the truth and, then, being rudely awakened by it, and terrified. Experiencing panic attacks and dissociation because your brain is at full capacity trying to comprehend and process everything that’s happening, and it can’t because it’s just too much all at once and you don’t even understand what’s going on. 

So you’re just flipping out, it’s hard to describe what its like but. I’ll just lay in bed like, internally freaking out having a panic attack and dissociating while feeling *really* weird about reality like,... it’s hard to describe like I said.... it’s like, confusing. Sometimes reality just starts to feel weird and I’m really “off” when that’s going on. It’s not that it doesn’t feel real, it’s that it suddenly became *Too real* and everything I could be in denial about to be comfortable, suddenly it was all REAL and I can’t physically handle that, I genuinely can’t. It breaks me.

So, that’s what happens when I break, I start to do really weird stuff. I might act out, or become, agitated with everyone and angry. Or I might just say, “this is too much” or “I can’t take it anymore” or “leave me alone” things like that, and when I “act out” aka like, “the truth” slips out of my mouth it causes hell to break lose. And like I said, I can’t handle it well. So my dad starts yelling, my mom gets upset with me. I feel like everythings my fault and start to hate myself, and want to fucking die. Because I’m in this strange situation where I can’t even ask for help, because they don’t even know what the fuck to do. They just think I’m like, being crazy. My dad gets scared by my like running my mouth, and threatens me, to shut me up. Making me feel, even worse of course. It’s like “ah yes, that’s just what I needed” when in reality what I need is just a fucking hug and someone to calm me down, because I’m like having a PTSD episode. It’s just what a PTSD episode can look like it’s, different than a normal panic attack sometimes, and people dont’ know it. 

I dont’ fully understand it myself but. You just start acting strangely, and I don’t know why this happens you know. I tried to explain it as best I could above, the experience I have internally but. It’s just, overwhelming. You’re responding to a stress or a trigger really poorly. Mentally and, outwardly. 

So yeah, I got “triggered.” This is more rare. But it does happen to people with PTSD. 

I feel better after venting. I think it’s just, um. It’s difficult, to feel like no one understands and that you are alone in what you are going through. It’s easier to process when you put it all down on paper because you feel more in control of it. I was worried I would forget what happened by the time I got to a therapist to talk about it. 

It’s crucial that I do mention these things. So I’m writing it down to the best of my ability. Like I said, it’s hard to remember. 

It’s important to have compassion for yourself in the mean time, and sort of process it from your more centered self, perspective, now. 

My goal is to make the “scary times” where reality feels “weird” like I said, to make that stop happening. Or to know what to do when it happens in order to better handle it. And being aware of the fact I am triggered or in a bad head space and having a plan to better handle it so I don’t have an outburst or do something strange, or bad. Um... coloring outside the lines. Is what it feels like. But you’re not aware you’re doing it until it’s over, maybe even a day or two later, maybe months later. This sort of headspace like, it takes over. You’re not able to see out of it or above it, around it. Etc. You’re just in it. You can’t say, as you, to you- “hey, stop it, you’re having an episode.” Because, *you’re, the one, having the episode, you’re in the episode* lol 

But this is just another example of like, PTSD affecting your life and, me needing to talk to a professional to get help with managing it so I can continue to get better. 

The other thing I wanted to mention, to the therapist is. 

The fact that, like I said I kind of rotate, into various head spaces. Where, within these head spaces I might have certain behaviors, thought patterns, emotions. Some are more, volatile or, rocky than others, some are more functional and, seem, ‘well” 

sometimes they occur simultaneously, and clash. 

And I wanted to talk about that and, the fact that like, in order to handle reality. I obviously do a lot of, pretending everything is normal, just like my parents- to the point that, I forget things in a very fleeting way. My memory is patchy like a radio signal. Sometimes I can hear it loud and clear and other times it goes out of range. And when I will have the clarity is undetermined. And which *area* I will have the clearity over is also, indetermined. 

I can forget entire patches of my life, remember small snippets of things, and then it all comes back, but I think it’s all come back- but really it’s not all of it and I dont’ know it because it’s been, exempt without my knowledge. I don’t even know what’s missing. 

So I try to write things down a lot, to help sort of, make sure it sticks forever. Memory building. OPnce I remember something, try not to forget it, that time. It has slowly worked over time I think but. It’s a process. 

But anyway, I go into like dissociative states where I forget things again and I don’t realize that’s what I’ve done or am doing. Until it’s over. 

Then I wake up or suddenly shift and feel, like a slightly different person, and view reality differently. 

I can’t tell if these are moods, or, bipolar or, dissociative, things. Or what the fuck. But I do it constantly. Constantly rotating around into various head spaces. Or multiple occurring at once like I said. 

And, um. It gets even more complicated because, in these head spaces, I can *lie* to myself as if it’s truth and I genuinely believe it’s truth, like a delusion. But it’s just a cope, to handle the reality I can’t handle. 

So, blanc for example is one of these copes. A fictional cope. 

Blanc is not a real person, my dudes. But, she very much is real because, I am blanc, I shift into a head space and become blanc. Blanc is real, but, she is not, real. At the same time. 

I made blanc up, or, blanc came, to the surface I don’t really know, I- don’t understand it. Like, is blanc me but was just hiding in dormancy underneath, the facade reality I was in to survive? Or, what is “blanc’ you know? 

Anyway, I’m, the author. I’m, the person who made blanc. The person writing this right now. 

But a lot of the time, I may no longer be the author, and insert myself into my own work, and become blanc. 

I started writing this sort of thing as a way to cope with reality I thought but, as it started to come out more and more, and I remembered more and more, I started to realize, blanc isn’t just some fictional character I was writing about blanc *is* me. 

And the author, was just the person the facade reality she was trapped inside of trying to get out. 

I don’t always have this level of clearity of myself. So that’s why I’m writing it down. I will forget, this. And I will go back into some various dissociative state or head space. Either as blanc or, one of the other head spaces. 

I know all of these head spaces are part of one whole, I just, I don’t know where my true self is, where the center is, the original, person that was born, you know. I just am instead this person of many parts. And it’s frustrating because I don’t want to be that way obviously it’s, a lot of clashing and it’s confusing. 

Many of my head spaces do not want to acknowledge the fact there is many head spaces and insist they are the only head space and are the original, are the true me, and thats how it should be. To the point that, I’d on’t know, who, I am at all. 

I do know though that I am the author of all of this. And that is was done to cope, with something I didnt know how to handle. 

It’s sort like the feeling of grasping for straws, when you have too much trauma and it breaks you, and your brain is broken and you don’t know what to do to put it back together. You brain just, literally makes with its own resources, its way of surviving and moving forward but, it, itself, is still broken. So this is what happens when a broken brain, is trying to create its own “patch” and move forward. Without any outside help. 

It results in, a broken “patch” or a flawed, system. Where you have many functional parts, instead of one whole functional part. And that’s just how you coped when everything was broken and didn’t make sense, and you couldn’t see or think clearly, and couldn’t remember clearly, and couldn’t even look in the mirror or inside yourself and see, yourself, clearly. And when reality was so fucked up, you couldn’t even process what happened. It just didn’t compute. 

https://depresseddisneyprincess.tumblr.com/post/625981139957465088 

Blanc said: 

Ugh 

 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJqrm49J/ 

 I wanted to touch on this but I was too tired to write it out yesterday. Basically, this is what I been going through (idk if bipolar is the diagnosis or more just a ptsd thing but) 

Behind the “scenes” of this journal where I write like. What goes on in my daily life. Sometimes, I have melt downs like this. I’ve been having these kind of “breakdowns” since my junior year of college, which is the same year that I started remembering things (trauma) that I previously had no idea happened because I had put it so far out of my mind. That’s just when the panic attacks started as well. So it was like, PTSD just hit me like a ton of bricks and. 

Sometimes, this is the kind of “mental breakdown” you might see happening. As far as whats goign on, on the inside when these happen. 

It’s too much to explain. But there have been times where I just go to the corner when my parents are yelling at me and start screaming while sobbing into the corner. 

I’ve had a break down like this when I was in the mental hospital and someone made a comment that triggered me as well. Having a panic attack and then sobbing into a wall with my forehead pressed into it. 

Reality doesn’t even feel real, it’s pure overwhelm like. You feel vulnerable and scared, like you can’t handle whatever is going on that your brain is being confronted with to notice. That you previously blocked out. It’s just terrifying. 

And at the same time it’s just emotionally too much. And you’re really depressed and can’t take it anymore, like how depressed you are is actually scary too. 

And so you just break in this way sometimes. 

I cry like this in severe depressive episodes which come and go as they please. And if I don’t take my meds I can’t stop. 

- 

yesterday I was frustrated with the fact that not only does no one care, but no one understands, or wants to understand. And the invalidation of your mental health issues when you are suffering, or people judging you for having them, is really frustrating so. 

It’s kind of important to have someone in the world that approaches this with compassion because, you yourself sometimes aren’t capable of having this compassion for yourself, when you’re like this. 

And you can end up, suicidal because of it you know. When you have so much going on. Like, with the severe dissociation, the suicidal ideation, severe depressive episode, and panic attack stacked on there, and then you’re overwhelmed as fuck, about everything going on, and that’s gone on. 

Or you’re just, having a bad day what it may be that caused it. Or in a bad head space for that moment and. 

It’s like, the self compassion and staying out of it enough to say to yourself like, yo, don’t fucking kill yourself.

[[[ EDITING blanc here: i was reading over it for errors and realized here i completely interrupted myself and switched topics. But to finish the thought i was having here- i meant to say, “the ability to stay outside yourself and say, yo don’t fucking kill yourself, isn’t always there, because you’re so deep in it? You may not have compassion for yourself in that moment, and if everything going on is bad enough, or you’re in a crisis state. You can end up killing yourself. That’s why it’s important to have a therapist helping you with this and also someone who will have compassion when you aren’t able to see clearly.” ]]]

Lately i been having suicidal thoughts like, through out this week. Just sprinkled in there here and there. Not severe but. 

It just seems like a good way to end all my problems and, I feel, irreparably flawed sometimes because I just dont know whats going on and... its a lot. To handle. It’s along time to be miserable, you don’t know when it’ll get better etc. its confusing, everything... you blame yourself, you hate yourself sometimes etc. 

so, its important like, to have people that support you and understand what the fuck you’re talking about. From a clinical perspective, and understand why it’s important they react with support and compassion etc. so thats why i need.... to talk, to a therapist.... who understands what the fuck I’m talking about. 

And i just, get frustrated because in the day to day world you’re not going to find this kind of understanding unfortunately... and it can be rather isolating. 

Sometimes you get angry and just want to act out. Or you just take it out on yourself. You know.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJqAtaXx/ 

This is a perfect example of one of the times I have gone into a dissociative trance. This happened to me when I was at work, standing at the cash register helping a customer. 

It’s also happened to me when I was writing about a negative experience when I was in Europe. I started writing and then just stared forward for hours, and when I came to, the window in front of me, was suddenly dark outside, I looked at the time and hours had gone by, and I hadn’t continued typing anything. 

This is just one of the many types and ways in which you can experience dissociation but yeah. I just wanted to write it down because I often forget this has happened and I convince myself I don’t have any problems when in reality there is so many experiences which I’ve had that are attune to PTSD. 

Yet I constantly dismiss or go into denial about it one way or another. 

There are many more symptoms that make this diagnosis undeniable, like having panic attacks whenever I feel lost and surrounded by trees for some reason, or am somewhere unfamiliar- or, near busy traffic on a sidewalk walking alone. Or feel alone and abandoned. 

Sometimes like I said I have these scarier dissociative states that are uh, when reality doesn’t feel real. Or I wake up and feel like someone else has been living my life for a long time. 

In addition to the rotational head spaces issue. 

There is also, instances where my entire body stiffened hard like a robot and I genuinely could not bend my legs or arms and it was becoming difficult to move or walk. This was actually a severe dissociative/panic attack episode. Klonopin fixed it. Lol. 

These can be really scary, I just will like randomly feel like everything is unsafe and feel scared for absolutely no reason. 

Or I will feel like reality is like, literally falling apart like its the matrix or some shit, or, like, some kind of strange dimension that doesn’t really exist, (including myself) OR, that I am in a play on a stage and everything is just card board props. 

And other times your body just feels wildly distorted and, reality itself is physically not making sense either. And you’re so dizzied and feel so weird and nauseated by it you just have to put your head between your knees. It’s like vertigo but, your entire body is distorting, even your facial features. You feel like an abstract painting. Or, you can’t feel your hands, or you’re not attached to your hands as they move and do things- you’re just watching them like a fish eye lense above. 

Not being able to recognize yourself in the mirror. Having panic attacks at the mention of sexual assault or feeling dissociated from it. Or the same sort of reaction talking about childhood traumatic experiences. Or remembering stuff that’s too hard to think about. You get so overwhelmed you end up sick to your stomach by it. 

And sometimes it feels like reality is slipping away from you, like everyone is just a sillheoutte with which you cannot connect, and you yourself begin to slip into this strange black hole you can’t crawl out of, like quick sand. Like you’re losing total control, of yourself, it’s hard to explain. 

Sometimes, I feel like, reality isn’t real when I’m sitting in a biology class. And you feel so wildly numb, and it’s so terrifying you wish to get a grip back on things and to feel grounded again, but you can’t... no matter how hard you try. 

I’ve also been told that dreaming of melting into the walls is a form of dissociation, along with Micropsia, both of which I have experienced and sometimes rarely still do experience, the micropsia. 

I’m writing all of this down so I don’t forget. (Because I do, and I know I will) and because I like to tell myself, “ah, you don’t really have ANY problems or any disorders you don’t NEED medication you’re FINE.” Or I question it like, “is it really ptsd, or what if it’s something else.” 

And this is counterproductive to healing and, if I stop taking my meds I end up having one of these episodes. 

I really have to stop pretending, everything is perfectly fine, and *forgetting* that I have PTSD. Or I will stay stuck and I will not heal and I will not get better.