Sociopath Community

Okay I rested and feel a lot better mood wise so that’s good 

I think I had just been pushed into exhaustion which... yeah I can’t get run thin like that or my mental health just plummets 

it’s really important for me to stay well rested 

So this morning I told my parents It’s really important I get my sleep at night. Gonna try ear plugs and eye mask, with extra strength extended release Melatonin and magnesium at night this ok top

of

mt normal medication will put me out but the problem isn’t falling asleep for me as much anymore as it staying asleep longer than 15-45 minutes or sometimes 2 hours is like a really long sleep for me 

also considering doing a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea or if a deviated septum may be affecting things as I noticed I do have one 

my doctor recommend I do a sleep study a long time ago just because he wanted to make sure I did not have a sleep disorder and was just a light sleeper 

My dad also said I need to take all the supplements and such my doc gave me so that way I can go in for further testing to make sure my deficiencies aren’t caused by autoimmune metabolic processing disorder or something else. 

but perhaps my deficiencies has something to do with my inability to stay asleep you know, so that’s why I brought it up

TLDR
basically just figuring out how to get my shit not out of whack and be healthy so I can not feel tired all time 

..... 

health is important dawg. Stay hydrated. Sleep. Etc. 

but yeah the five year old has been living in my house for the last week so that is why im Particularly exhausted. He is going home now because he has to return to school but he was just here for the week break over thanks giving getting baby sat and sleeping here 

but it was rewllY exhausting 

I need like a lot of silence and alone time to just relax and I get zero of that here lol so I feel like strung out

but yeah I mean just getting a little bit of rest last night did help so... yeah um... just have to fucking sleep and then like go places so I can have like re-charge in my introverted ass way 

alone lol 

in silence 

Well. 

you know... I can’t tell if I need help and I’m just in denial and I’m really bad off 

or if I’m actually fine and just being dramatic for xyz reasons 

————- 

so I’m always like bouncing between the two whilst still knowing in the back of my mind I am both 

so like when I’m feeling well I just think “ah all those problems weren’t real and don’t matter” 

and then sometimes all of it’s too real and too painful to endure and I want to do reckless things to escape the pain of my reality 

and then the other side to me is like, oh don’t do that you don’t really want to do that you’re not really that person 

and then the part of me that is that person is like nah I am this person and it sucks and I can’t handle it 

and so then the other side to me steps in and is like aight let’s just dissociate then 

and it’s not a choice and I don’t realize it’s happened at all until after it’s happened 

I dunno I just looked at myself today and was like

i need help don’t I 

Am depressed 

am suicidal thought

... mmmm dunno what else to say. Just the usual depressed state. 

Okay fine there’s more on my mind than that but, i just dont, care enough to write it out. Cheers

Blanc said:

Am depressed



am suicidal thought



... mmmm dunno what else to say. Just the usual depressed state.



Okay fine there’s more on my mind than that but, i just dont, care enough to write it out. Cheers

How many times have you tried to kill yourself, and in what ways? 

Still depressed and suicidal 

I wanna be better but I can’t so I just have to be a smiling potato sack of shit you know

i'm feeling better now that i slept and have coffee running through my veins 

it's really odd but, i wanted to note that, because i'im sort of just mulling it over in my head like. 

what is the cause you know. if caffeine fixes it, that tells me it's likely more metabolic than anything 

but of course tehre are many other potential causations

i've always been hypoglycemic since i was a kid and had to drink orange juice every two hours or something so. idk. i think that's why i drink so fucking much of it. 

How bad's your caffeine addiction, like how nasty is the withdrawal? 

Turncoat said: 

How bad's your caffeine addiction, like how nasty is the withdrawal? 

I just do shots of espresso all day long, mixed into the normal coffee. all day everday, a cup is always in my hand. attached at the waist to it. 

yesterday when i ran out of everythign and couldn't get anything at night i started getting kind of upset and felt, off. not like, angry upset but like, just felt like i was falling to pieces. 

it's the glue that holds me together a lot of the time. 

Well yeah, but the addiction is itself self-inflicted. The very symptoms they're treating are the ones they create, the cost of it's continued consumption. 

Quitting caffeine leads to depression, headaches, decreased immune system, all sorts of nasty stuff, but drinking more of it will just make the crash that much worse for your future self. 

anyway i'm considering going back into therapy for depression specifically but obviously with someone trauma experienced ptsd whatever the fuck. 

my last therapist wanted to focus on my panic attacks and like recalling traumatic memories and i dont think i was ready. 

i just felt really confused so i didnt know how to even iterate the things i was going through it's hard to explain. 

but now i feel like i have slightly better oversight on whats going on that i can relay back them. 

before i had this nasty habit of pretending everyting was fine too much, so much so that i even convinced myself but. it always came crashing down in private but i never said anythingabout it. it was weird. i guess i just thought it wouldn't help to focus on it and if i just ignore it it would go away but 

no that's not how it works. 

and, um. i've just noticed the depression is like, coming back harder hitting and with more frequency lately. if you look at the journal it is an example of that. the monitoring is helping me realize you know. how often it comes and goes. 

it makes me consider their bipolar recommendation but, the reason i'm not certain is because i also have like a flip flopping effect going on not just with mood but also with like, identity. crazy enough yeah. 

so i'm not sure if thats more indicative of, dissociation from trauma, bpd, or- if its just a metabolic depression, or trauma related/circumstantial depression. 

they see the changing back and forth between highs and lows and just automatically slap bipolar on it. but, i'm not totally convinced yet. 

if i'm really unable to stave off depressive episodes regardless of what variables and help that i try for it, and after talking long and hard with a professional about it, i may consider the diagnosis. 

as it seems to just be coming and going about, every week? idk. it's literally like a light switch. on and off. night and day. 

are there other causes or, is it true bipolar

(my first therapist told me that depressive episodes and having ups and downs with a diagnosis of major depression is common, and not indicative of bipolar necessarily. and that with treatment and meds, my depressive episodes should start to occur with less freqeuncy and severity)

but from what i've noticed its liek, not, decreasing. if anything its getting worse 

because each time it occurs like, i know it fucking sucks and i know its goign to stop and then come back im very well aware of the ppaterns now and its so insufferable when it does inevitable come (tis kind of like destroying my life) and, taking away, me, from my life a lot of the time? and when im in it lke, im just so fucked up mentally about shit that it just, i feel more and more pressed to just kill myself with every episode that comes because im seeing no end to it and am in a lot of pain and, feel like, nothings ever going to get better in my life etc. and just feel like absolute shit. on top of being really confused by the fact im basically two people. its hard to live your like that lol.