Sociopath Community

Today is my nephews bday so... my sister ordered a pizza and this is the first time I’ve had like “fast food” from the “outside world” in months lol 

it’s so fucking good. 

and I’m trying a cherry coke for the first time in like, probably 14 years give or take 

it so good omg like cherry cokes are fucking lit 

it’s fucked up it’s this kids bday and my mom all she can think about is money 

my parents spend their entire day obsessing over it and I’m just like... we literally have enough money to live off of for the rest of our lives and we could move to a place in South Dakota and farm off the land and literally be fine 

there is no need to freak out but my mom is like, high pressure about it I’m afraid for her health she might die from the stress 

people she knows have had heart attacks because of the type of work they do they stress themselves out trying to make nine million dollars a week it’s insane 

Yesterday she had a stress attack and literally passed out at her desk 

and all they do is argue about business and bills and stocks and checks and deals and sales and endeavors and gossip about who’s successful who’s making money who said this who said that who did this in the business world 

I’m not complaining I just think their quality of life is kind of sad and I don’t get it like why they chase that incessantly and make themselves miserable 

it’s like a sickness for real 

this kid is turning five and my mom is talking about what to invest in in business at the table instead of talking to him 

it’s all they can think or talk about or care about 

once again not complaining I just, don’t want them to stress themselbes out to this degree I’m concerned for their health  

I said I was tired and left the party to go take a nap 

Just got home and I finally have like a few hours to myself 

Had my homie deliver. you know what time it is 

I have Xanax too I found chilling in a bottle of Tylenol I guess I had stashed it there and forgot about it lol but I’ll save it. I have like a whole ass klonopin script tho I can refill whenever I want and a whole bottle of it chillin of like 25 .5’s and I haven’t taken any  

nothing wrong with a blunt tho 

I prefer dabs and really high THC content oil carts tho 

I do not take Xanax or klonopin recreationally anymore I only take it for severe panic attacks and I only take .25 at a time that’s how restrictive I am with it 

Am i just meant to forever be sad and alone and go no where 

i know I’m supposed to do shit to make my life better but at the same time i kinda just 

dont care in a like, apathetic, i give up cuz I’m tired kind of way 

lol idk 

I’m tired ya’ll 

i hope the winds of motivation find me again or some shit cuz rn i feel like a stale piece of bread 

I’ve felt this way pretty much since my gf and i broke up in June of 2016. 

It was like with her in my life everything was great (it wasn’t perfect but i wasn’t like this) 

and then after that i just got the wind knocked out of me and never got back up lmao 

Oh my fucking god... smh lol biggest fail of my life. 

And i try to move on and like build myself and get my life together but like... it just never really works out it just keeps falling apart and like falling through my fingers like sand i just can’t hold onto things well 

so it makes me like not wanna try cuz i know how hard it’ll be like to get through a work day with a depressive episode 

I’ve been fired for mental illness twice now. 

I feel, unhirable, undesirable and like, i can’t, do anything. And even though like i know thats not true, its hard to get other people to not see me that way. Its really hard to just like get your foot in the door and make people like you, like thats a really hard thing to do when ur like, fucked up i dunno 

i just can’t handle the stress of like trying to be perfect to get someone’s approval and then one tiny little thing is off and they fuck your future over and cut you out like you dont even have a say in your own life really 

powerlessness, helplessness, hopelessness. 

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around other ideas like my dad was like I’ll give u money to start an online business but like 

i don’t know what to do that would work and idk what I’m doing. I used to be motivated about that kind of shit and had lots of ideas, and now i just don’t care like 

i dont care about any of the things i used to care about, i just wanna live my life like normal but i can’t help the looming thought and feeling thats ever present telling me like, this isnt gonna work out so why try, ur not good enough, u cant do this. Etc. 

so I’m just like *cries* lol its too much pressure when u have mental problems so like I Tried finding things i could do that was less pressure but I’m not even “good enough” for that apparently 

my boss fires me for being dissociated or spacey at work I’m like yeah i have ptsd... i didnt say that but i thought it like, its not fair. Ya know. 

And that online job i applied for, its doing something i dont even know how to do and they say they’ll train u but i legit dont have the qualifications and i feel like, i will suck even if they did make the mistake of hiring me, a depressed, idiot 

so... i dunno i just feel depressed and i can’t escape it, its to a point it does affect my life my work etc like, i can’t get anywhere or do anything because it wont let me. 

Its like i used to be motivated to paint, or to like, go to parties. I dont do that shit anymore. I used to like doing makeup, and shit. I dont do that anymore. Everything just is slowly getting taken away and i care less and less about the things i used to be interested in it seems like everyday 

And i wanna “do things” but at the same time it feels like a lead weight is attached to my wrists and pulling my eyes heavily down and dragging my feet and i just... fucking can’t, focus, or work on things like i used to like my mind just doesn’t spark up like it should its just like dull. I can’t, learn and go to school like this like 

it’s fucked lol, I’ve gotten better in the regard that like i dont wanna kill myself as much as i used to but I’m not functional as i put on like, its more like white knuckling than it is actually fully “better” from it 

so it just makes me not wanna try cuz everything is fucking hard. 

Just had to vent about my feelings so i can attempt to overcome this issue and work it out with a professional. 

#depression #mental-illness

I just wanna sleep forever 

I’m just gonna listen to this song drink a fresh cup of iced coffee cuz it cures depression and play aNIMal crOSisng because it is a cute 

Okay I ended up passing out while playing my game 

woke back up at 9pm to have an iced coffee and a biscotti 

shits bomb af 

and now I’m gonna go take my meds and back to sleep Cuz I’m sleepy 

oh but my mood feels better than it was when I was before I fell asleep 

my head was crowded with thoughts so I vented them out and now I feel slightly better I guess 

just less sad and overwhelmed than I was sounding then and closer to normal 

i made a things

doodles and music should be included in mood regulation journal

https://sociopathcommunity.com/Forum/Topic/11844/1/doodles- 

 https://sociopathcommunity.com/Forum/Topic/11849/1/wrote-some-epic-film-score-music- 

Sad ish feeling and can’t sleep it’s 1am 

i did some charts of like measuring shit that I experience 

and uh it would take a long time to flesh out so u understand the qualifications and symptoms that go under each register on the mark up but 

I’m tired so 

I have one more graph to make 

and I can show you my calendar and everything I use to regulate everything else 

it’s a lot trying to manage myself lol but hey ya know whatever works 

habit tracking is like super good for me

Late night thoughts:  

sad about ex again 

I’m gay and I hate myself 

ugly 

pointless incapable unworthy unlovable never good for nothing wont accomplish nothing 

Why do I fucking exist 

ok I’m making coffee and back to distracting myself

i can’t sleep 

Hi it’s 4am and I’m exhausted 

I woke up at 1pm and feeling a little numb at first but it wore off quickly before i even stood up to get out of bed 

and, i felt, energized and motivated for once. Normal energetic. The depression had cleared. 

I don’t know... why or how. I never do. 

I was just looking at everything i normally see everyday, and suddenly it all looked different to me. Sort of pathetic and sad, looking at my messy room i was living in a state of peril and despair. And as a normal feeling person i was like, I’ll clean it up and fix it. 

But i was overwhelmed at first in my thoughts because, i don’t normally have the energy to, do anything so- the fact i did today, it made me feel like i didn’t know what to do with myself. And all the normal habits i did were, small and meaningless in retrospect of what i could now accomplish feeling “better” for a day. I knew that it would only be a temporary burst, and so i was overwhelmed with the prospect of “what should i do” to best utilize it 

i had so many options of things i could do that i normally couldn’t- and that i could enjoy, and complete. 

I wish my mind was like this all the time, so i wouldn’t have to pick and choose which things i do- but rather could space it out across my life like a normal person. 

I could socialize, i could, interact- happily. I could, go places. Get things done. Focus. I can remember, what i study. 

But I i know once i enter a depressed phase again- or whatever my normal depressed self is, i will lose the memory, of what i study. I will revert to anti-social activities and, sadness, isolation. Darkness, and hating reality and myself. 

For once i am, able to be happy. I can enjoy things. 

Normally, things drag me down, and i just stay in some version of that. Where all the bad things that ever happened to me are on the forefront of my mind and weigh on me, constantly. Affecting my thoughts. 

But for some reason, i woke up with a physical and mental reprieve from those symptoms. And have an, energetic normalcy- that other people seem to have the ability to, have readily and easily. I can have that too, just for today anyway. Hah. 

had a coffee and biscotti for starters

when I’m like normal, i see the tasks i need to accomplish in an organized way, and have no problem getting them done. 

When I’m depressed all of that goes out of the window, i forget the tasks even exist, i stop writing in my calander or paying attention to like, the things i need to do. Or it just doesn’t even occur to me i need to do them, at all. 

I set up my calander/planner as a way to help myself function despite having the depression a lot of the time, so i know that myself will do the bare minimum, and it won’t occur to me what to do- but if i write it all down i can look at the date on the thing and be like oh thats what I’m supposed to do today right... i totes forgot about it. 

And then when I’m normal i can plan out further and update it, writing it in more for myself and, making like. Things to help myself when i know I’m gonna be too fucked to be able to do what I’m doing now. 

So yeah i just kind of like take care of myself on days like this. Taking advantage of it. To organize myself in a way that will help me manage... and like cleaning up things so i have a nice environment to be dysfunctionally depressed in. 

It really helps to have a nice space and like, i keep it really minimal because as a depressed person i like, know myself very well obvioulsy and i know what will and wont work. The less stuff that i have to fucking make a mess with the better. Because depressed me, will make a mess, and will not clean it up. For days, and days. 

So keeping things really simple easy and like, in a system that works for me on depressed days helps. Because i know how low effort i am and executing tasks will be very difficult for me i try to make all of it easier for myself.