Everyone from SC and discord arguing over absolutely banal shit regarding some minor thing I did two years ago or the fact that I said one sentence in chat and it was taken out of context or about the fact I journal or arguing over whether or not I am gay
It's only banal because it's about you, isn't it?
Okay I’m realizing the way i journaled today did not accurately depict what I’m experiencing so let me be more thorough for the sake of, keeping this, system of record keeping like accurate and informative.
(Cuz i won’t remember how i felt in a few days from now, garuntee it. Certainly not a month or year from now.)
So yeah, i felt um. Just depressed, obviously like. I woke up that way and it just stayed that way. Like, just a few days ago life was invigorating, and, now suddenly it all became so stale.
And I feel myself lingering in this balance of, like purgatory. Where I’m waiting to feel like, like shit. And to, feel excitable and interested in things again. Or at least, remotely productive.
Motivation and hope for the future is hard. Not crying is hard. Not being super agitated and angry is hard. Not staying in bed all day is hard. Getting up and taking care of yourself is hard. I only ate one meal today, and that was the only reason I got out of bed, I jiust quickly ate it in like 2 seconds standing up in the kitchen and then went straight back to bed without saying anything to anyone.
I don’t know, what’s wrong with me, or why this occurs. Ya know, just the other day I was fine.
Then suddenly I want to fill the bathtub up with water and just drown myself. I can’t stop thinking about swallowing my entire bottle of pills, or suffocating with a noose. As morbid as it sounds, these thoughts just cross my mind when I’m like this, casually like clouds or, sometimes just flashes of imagery and sensory input I can’t control.
It’s not deliberate suicidal ideation, it’s involuntary. Because you feel so shit, and you don’t know when it’s going to stop, or when you’ll be able to get out of bed again. It feels as though it will last forever.
Thinking of the things you need to think and do to make yourself better is a struggle but, the subtle attempts you make at coping just leave you frustrated, because it only helps, so much.
It feels like being stuck behind a wall of glass. It feels like, something heavy in your chest so you’re kind of suffocating. You’re just, lacking energy, all the things you normally like- you don’t care enough about to take part in anymore. “I don’t care”
The coffee only perks my mood up a little. And I desperately, want to get high, on anything. Just to forget.
What this feels like. To feel happy, the same way you would if, you had a normal balance of serotonin.
I know if I sparked up a blunt I would feel better right now, and I 100% would have by this point in any normal world. But in Covid land, it’s a little harder to do that. Considering buying drugs involves, contact with other people.
My girlfriend invited me to come over, which would of been nice. But, covid. Normally when I feel this down, she understands my apathy and numb attitude and just lets me, be quiet. And cuddle her. That’s all she wants, is just, to cuddle and watch movies.
So we’d do that a lot, go to the movies. It helped, liven me up a bit, to get out and do stuff. And I’d kind of forget about the depression for a moment because of her. I was focused more on her. And like, I’d just lean my head into her and fall asleep.
Go outside, smoke another blunt, come back, and we usually end up ya know.
But I just... don’t fucking care enough to even do that. I just want to lay there. With her is alright I guess I mean, I just... don’t have anything to say. Stare at the movie blankly. She does all the reacting for me. Fills in the empty space that is my life, she brings movement to my dark, dull vacant apartment.
Stale, ugly, boring life. If she’s around and I’m high it’s a little better than the alternative which is just laying there like, in pain. I don’t know how to describe it because, even though it sounds like pure apathy it’s actually painful if you just let yourself waddle in it too much, or pay too close attention to the disturbing, negative thoughts.
They are, painful like, feels like its just ripping you to shreds on the inside. It is, agony. And I’ll do anything to make it stop. Which is why I get frustrated, and why I come off angry or pissed off, and why I... want to cry but.. at the same time I feel frozen, and paralyzed in the face, and I just stare. And I can’t, cry but. You wish you could.
I don’t say much about what I’m experiencing because I know it’ll go away in a few days as if nothing happened. And I’ll eventually be fine, so, whats the big deal right.
It’s just, it sucks to have to deal with it. All the normal things you do, now seem to take a lot of extra effort, there is extra weight you’re carrying around and, everything is more, taxing and, feels like an uphill battle. And yhou just kind of naturally, avoid, doing anything or, thinking anything, or talking to anyone.
Because at the time, all of that makes sense, to do. It becomes habit, to do. When you have these episodes, regularly. And then, ya know. It passes. Whatever.
Whats the difference if I spent three days in bed, or if I did shit that mattered more or was considered “productive” like, I don’t have the motivation, the drive, to, do those things right now. It’s just, a vacancy where those things should be.
And so, I just kinda sleep through the limbo (even though I can’t sleep) and.... wait for a better day
meh. Don’t know what else to say but. That’s that.
Empty and purposeless....
(the negative thoughts in my head are a lot and it just is like a mean person on my shoulder basically so I’m just gonna go so i can stop letting it talk)
if i distract myself (which is hard to do cuz I’m interested in nothing) but, if I just try like, to fill up the time it will silence it better sort of idk distraction “helps” or whatever
and then I have to do like things to get out of the depressive episode which, i know what those things are but. I’m just........ lol *cries* not able to do it that well. Maybe i will.... later.... lol (No motivation ooo noon on)
i’ll try. Sorry
https://www.psycom.net/depression-what-depression-feels-like
i have dis. Depression stuff. Um, yeah. I’ve gone through many different phases of it and shit so, the phase I’m in now is just like i get blips of it here and there randomly and these blips can vary in length and severity
but there was a point in my life i was just chronically depressed for a very long period of time, and after that point when ptsd joined the mix so did anxiety, and panic attacks, and dissociation.
The depression used to be worse is what I’m trying to say. Then how it is now. The negative voice is, easier to combat and quieter. I’m not as emotional, or out of control, i don’t react to it and go do drugs and party all night, or drown my sorrows in alcohol.
I’ve gotten better at handling it, I guess. Um. Because I learned how to, with all the therapy and, it doesn’t hit as hard likely because of the meds.
It used to hit way way harder... it was, like, more than a depressive episode I’d have like mental breakdowns like sobbing in the corner of my room on the floor and shit.
But yeah um. So, at least I’m not, in that head space i guess. Oh and i used to be likes steady constant suicidal where as now it’s just only somewhat, and sometimes. It’s not nearly strong as a desire but more like just an old reflex that is faintly there when things are somewhat bad. My brain is like, “you could die.” But then I’m like nahh i dont wanna die I’ll be fine in a few days.
The meds balance me back out eventually. I get over it more quickly, I’m able to with the combo of meds and therapy.
Where as before i couldn’t pull myself back from that brink. I had no a bility to that what so ever. Couldn’t talk myself out of suicide. I just, stayed like that.
Anyways, um.
But yeah when the anxiety started, it just didn’t stop after that.
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/anxiety/anxiety-and-depression-what-does-it-feel-like-to-drown/
“Someone with chronic anxiety lives in a cycle of being alert without being able to calm down. Their nervous system is overactive, so they constantly feeling on edge or worried without reason. They're convinced something is wrong, but they don't know what to do about it.”
I feel like that pic is a decent representation of what it was like, with the guy looking stressed out. That was me lol
I was in a constant state of anxiety and couldn’t get it to go down. This is like the main reason I was so agreeing to take meds so readily, without even researching it or caring what it was. I, had reached my tipping point of course I was in psych hospital but, I was like losing my shit *constantly* not, like, just a phrase of speech either. Literally constantly. In a state of panic.
It sounds miserable because it was.
I was like that for about three days in my bed just rocking back and forth like an insane person, the only thing that toned down the panic attacks or distracted me enough was watching Jessica Kelgren videos for some odd reason. Like literally only her.
I guess she is very pleasant and her channel is very pleasant and it made me happy? I dunno. Everything else just triggered more anxiety, except her channel didn’t. It calmed me.
So I had to watch those videos over and over again. Or I was, right back in a panic attack the second I look away from the screen.
I didn’t really know what was happenign ot me or how to stop it, I Thought it would go away but it didn’t and, the depression had gotten really bad i was really just all around mentally fucked at this time. Not in my right mind at all. Dissociating and panicking and suicidal as fuck all at the same time. And I ended up trying to kill myself after I had a dream that I put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger.
Because I felt so much relief at the notion of doing it. I think that’s all I wanted, but I was going insane so, it was an insane way, to handle that.
There is a better way to handle that and suicide most def isn’t the answer.
The article i shared above as a reference for the anxiety quote provides little tid bits about therapeutic approaches and things that do work for these issues.
And of course, I had to give it time. I was healing from a lot of trauma, not just dep and anxiety so, That combo is just what did me in.
I wasn’t myself at all really... just a mentally ill version of it. I’ve been able to restore myself since then but, I only have it back some of the time. Sometimes I’m still getting wrapped up in bouts of anxiety or depression, like right now with depression. So thats fun., losing yourself over and over again.
But the, article, provides insight into what i sort of have to “do about it” and I’m familiar with the methods. With meds and therapy, years of it, these do tend to work, together to help me, overcome it.
It’s just something I have to constantly battle though really. Silent struggle.
And if ur wondering how the fuck does one have the energy and motivation whilst depressed to do this its because 1. I know this helps
2. White knuckling and stubborn grit for the sake of wanting an accurate depiction of my moods for self regulation /monitoring purposes (doc thinks I’m bipolar so I’m trying to see something, and its important i document as much as i can) (beacuse i can’t remember jack shit)
3. A shit ton of coffee
i honestly feel a tiny bit better after venting about how i feel hah, so that gave me the motivation to do self care which i know is important
like the whole time I’m thinking “ i know i should do this cuz it will make me feel better but...” i just don’t do it.
But then i dunno, i think reading the article helped me remember better like, and venting,I dunno. Whatever i just did fucking helped.
Maybe it was just the coffee. No, it was probably it the talking. And whatever i read on the internet. Realizing I’m not alone. Remembering it’s temporary. That i have to do something i dunno.
I have a tiny spark of motivation so I’m going to use it to shower and see where it takes me from there
hopefully tomorrow i can wake up feeling normal again
also wanted to note,o bviously I had no interest in any thing i normally like today but uh.... i did manage to force myself too play animal crossing hoping it would make me feel better and it kind of did like briefly
that was the thing is like all the things i attempt to do to make me feel better do, briefly but, not enough to push me over the edge into truly feeling better and motivated enough to do something
but its like, close- but no cigar. Lol
anyway, so what i just did, writing. Helped. Weird.
I wanted to play music all day today too but, i don’t like playing when ppl around so i haven’t been able to. Which is honestly bad for my mental health cuz I need the expression and shit as a tool and shit it does help me get through the bad days sometimes.
This the diff between normal me and depressed me tho, depressed me, i played ac still, but i just did the absolute bare minimum and then saved the game and turned it off and went back to sleep lol
where as normally i get way more into it
... shower time. Begrudgingly.... *chugs more coffee*
hopefully i have the motivation to eat later, or maybe tomorrow.
I haven’t been eating much its kind of concerning the lack of hunger
lmao sorry this is a lot but Ok this is a great video to show what ptsd is like
thanks to multiplicityandme for being brave enough to upload it and having their shit together enough to film the episodes
this is what I mean when sometimes I go into the corner of my room and start cry screaming sobbing. And that’s how I acted in the mental hospital.
and the shaking footage is very much how like a standard panic attack is for me Jesus Christ it makes me sick just watching it
it’s not a pleasant thing for me to reflect on because it’s actual hell for me like I genuinely feel sick talking about it but
this is exactly what it’s like.
so when I say I’m having one of a shaking episode or get shakey or lay there shaking this is what I mean
my whole body will actually shake as much as her hand is like it looks like a seizure
once I was in the hospital and that happened and they had to give me benzos to make it stop
my legs were just nonstop jumping and my whole body is just convulsing and I’m just laying there on my side like
hrhehhwhrssshsaaahahahaaahaahaheheerffdhhdddshshhsszzsssssjsjjshszttztstststtststsstsst
I’m not the only one who experiences this and it’s relieving to see cuz I don’t see many people talking about these types of ptsd fits and symptoms that I relate to so much like with remembering shit but not remembering at the same time
Like you don’t know why ur having the attack and it comes on randomly
all of it is sooo accurate and like well explained she even gets a bit into the neurology
yes. Thank you for making this so ppl can see what I experience
And just like i predicted might happen, i went to sleep last night, and woke up, as if someone did a hard reset on my brain
and i don’t feel the same way at all, as i did yesterday. So weird.
This happens *all the time* so I’m used to it, it’s why i knew this would eventually end up happening.
But yeah, like, my mood is literally fine now.
Soo0o0o0o0 weird
