6am. It’s too fucking early why am I awake
(I always wake up at 5am for some fucking reason)
I feel like shit and I’m mad about it
(I think it’s from being locked up for more than 40 days now)
Like if I was able to go outside I wouldn’t be nearly as annoyed
like I want to just get it my car and drive to Starbucks
and then take my dog on a walk in a public area I go to
that would be nice
I just feel annoyed and agitated and slightly angry so yeah.
Forgot to mention yesterday, i slept 16 hours again, and when i woke up i Was between waking and sleeping and had one of those weird “delusional” moments that I’ve mentioned having before, either when I’m falling asleep or waking up from sleeping.
And i get confused about reality, lets put it that way.
So this time, in that state between waking and sleeping, i thought I was badly sunburned? And i knew i was in my house in my bed, but i thought i was like, much younger. Like i thought i was in maybe high school or earlier i don’t know, but I definitely did not know it was 2020 and had been in quarantine, I thought i was in an entirely different time, when my room was purple not yellow. So this would be like, 7 to 10 years ago
and i was like god I’m so sunburned it hurts to move... and i couldn’t like move. But i could feel my body just burning all over and i thought for sure like, i had been at the beach all day the day before based on how i felt. I was like BURNING. My skin actually felt the sensation of like, as if it was truly sunburned all over. Especially the back of my legs.
And i was like laying face down in bed and then i like, sort of came to and the sensation faded slowly and I’m like, “oh wait, I’ve been in quarantine for 40 days... how could i be sunburned... oh, that’s right. I’m not. I’m... 25 years old. Oh... oh yeah it’s... 2020... “
lol
This morning when i woke up i wasn’t as like “drunk” feeling like sliding into walls and dizzy and shit like i mentioned i was like the last two or three days now? Idk, that’s why i journal things i don’t remember
but yeah, this morning i was less, off balance and black-out-y but i was like... still having that numb sensation all over my body so i couldn’t feel sensation yet and felt like i couldn’t hear?
Just like super fucking numb like someone injected my entire body with a local anesthetic
and breathing was very slow.
It’s peaceful but, I’m rather spaced out when I’m like that so i just kind of like, nonchalantly stare into space while making my coffee per usual. I do it every morning.
Stare out the window, waiting for myself to stop feeling so spaced out and numb, and warm. Waiting for The low hum of sleep to drain out of me, for my eyes to brighten.
Also I woke up in a better lighter mood than I was last night falling asleep
Like I said I had started feeling that depression coming on and lost interest in everything and became very negative in my thinking very quickly, quite isolated and like everything lost meaning. Just like, super jaded and, self loathing started having mild suicidal thoughts
I don't even know why.
and then this morning yeah I woke up perfectly fine. Thankfully.
This is something that happens to me sometimes, ever since I've been on the medication for a good while and in therapy, sometimes I will "reset" after sleeping. Sometimes. key word sometimes. lol
I think the meds make it easier to bounce back quickly from a depressive episode to normal
but yeah, doesn't always happen but in this case it did. I'd say like 75 percent of the time, if I have a minor depressive bout like this that's very short lived, I wake up the next day feeling fine or like, maybe in 2 or 3 days at the worst, I'll come out of it.
But then the rest of the time, the depressive episodes can be longer and much more severe and unbearable. Just generally, worse, and, bad. For lots of reasons which, is hard to like, list out all of the experience of that and what its like but. Yeah. It can get much worse and lengthier, even with the meds.
I'm just lucky this time it didn't and I bounced back like really fast. It was very short lived.
So yeah... *shrugs* I'm just trying to avoid things that I know will make me slip back into that depression. Everything, has triggers. Not just PTSD. Even, bipolar mania, and even depression or bipolar depression. But yeah for me I know what things will be very likely to trigger a depressive thought pattern or bad feeling or mood, which I can slide into and then like slide downward from there on, like a slipper slippery slope.
And I just avoid those things as best I can... for the sake of, feeling okay...
Because yeah when you're depressed like, you actually FEEL bad. It's just as shitty as having a regular sickness, like you just feel like shit all the time and want it to go away. A general feeling of being unwell, and it sucks ass. I don't wanna feel like that. So yeah. That's why I avoid it. I don't wanna feel like that.
but yeah like, so.. forgot to mention. BBEFORE the meds and therapy, and in the early stages of treatment, I was not able to do this whole "bounce back" waking up in the morning thing. I was just constantly depressed pretty much 100% of the time. To a point I forgot what it felt like to be normal.
And if I got into an episode of it like, I wasn't able to just come out of it after a good sleep or a fucking nap. It would drag on and on.
So, the meds make it possible I think for me to reset, I'm not sure how it does it but, it does. Back to base line or normal neutral me. Which is how I wish I could be all the time lol
would be REALLY CONVENIENT
she explains it better than I can
this is why I journal.
I had a mental breakdown in 2017 and so I've been trying to cope with whatevers going on in my head before that point, up to that point, and afterward.
I'm being my own best friend as well, by sharing stuff.
(all her videos on mental health are very accurate. she doesn't have any mental health problems, she just is a film maker who enjoys making videos about the topic)
everyones experience with mental health problems is unique, and the depth of what its like and how it splays out into someones life, what it looks like, what the experience is like, is all different for everyone and is, perhaps more vast than she shares about. these videos aren't all encapsulating for what the experience is like in someone who has a mental health problem, or what their life is like, what tis like in their head, what they feel etc.
but it does a good job of scratching the surface accurately, every word.
I felt like I def had high functioning depression in my early teens. this was me to a T. but yeah then as I got older it became, more like the other videos she has on depression, and then it actually got to a point that is worse than the videos she has on the topic where I reached a point of suicide.
She also has videos about, how to get better and inspiring hope, and she donates profits to mental health causes and organizations.
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and of course, a breaking point, and the process of getting better after a breaking point, are things I've experienced as well that are different than these videos on what depression is like. so, it has many stages (for me it did) and, how people experience those stages will be unique, but, will have unifying remnants and generalities of course. I'd like to see videos about the improvement process after getting help as well to add to her arsenal
I just say this to make it clear I'm not at these points anymore, in these videos, though I have been before. I still struggle with it a bit but. Yeah like, I feel I'm at a different point in my mental health journey than the "people" she's depicting in these videos though I can relate. It's hard to explain lol. At any point though I could slip and have a bad day and be really suicidal again but. Ya know. This is just how it works. Its' jsiut, the experience is entirely different once you're in a different phase of it and starting to get slightly better
